It's been a stressful month health-wise. Respiratory problems, heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat, dizziness, fatigue and gastric problems have had me on edge. I have been struggling with anxiety on a level I've never experienced before and it has effected my ability to fall asleep more significantly than usual. What the heck? Is it India?
And then I realized that anxiety has been gradually ramping up for years and I need to figure out where it's coming from, so I've been praying and reflecting and have discovered a few key underlying thoughts and beliefs that I think are to blame. But first, let me share a little history.
Nearly 21 years ago at the age of nineteen I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, stage II. My mom recently recalled how calm I was when the mass was found on my chest x-ray and the cancer word was mentioned. She says she asked me if I was worried and I said, "Let's just see what it is and then we'll deal with it." She recalls me being strong and calm throughout the whole thing. I was a bit worried while waiting for those results, the unknowns and the possibilities were just so scary but I really didn't let my mind get very far with the what ifs until I knew what I had. Once I was diagnosed I remember feeling pretty confident that all was going to be fine. I don't remember feeling afraid or anxious. After all, the prognosis was good. The radiation therapy nurses often remarked at my positive attitude and said it played a big part in me going into remission just four months later. I look back and think of how pragmatic and emotionally out of touch I was. I was also quite young and naive. While I stayed in remission and was eventually deemed cured after I remained cancer-free five years later, I had no idea how the experience would impact me for the rest of my life.
When recovering from radiation therapy and the damage it did to my body I discovered nutrition and natural health practices that drastically improved my immune system function and overall health. For the first time I began taking an active role in my health. After passively following along during cancer diagnosis and treatment, I received no guidance from my doctor regarding recovery - after all he had sent me off to go live my life and be happy; so after dealing with numerous upper respiratory infections, a constant cough and a life-impairing lack of energy, I began to take charge. I read everything I could get my hands on and experimented with herbs, homeopathic remedies, vitamins and mineral supplements, fruit and vegetable juicing, a vegetarian diet; anything that I could find that made for a healthier immune system. I became obsessed with health and hygiene and staying well. I remember getting really upset when I saw a woman in a public bathroom leaving without washing her hands. Ugh! Doesn't she know some of us are more sensitive to germs and could get sick? I nitpicked about ingredients and read every label. It was now up to me to prevent illness from ever happening again.
After you experience a serious illness, your outlook on everything changes. Every little symptom or feeling you have in your body is a clue to what might be wrong. Every food or lifestyle choice, every known chemical exposure in the products you use, carries with it a potential negative outcome. Every new bit of information or knowledge you pick up about what causes illness is cause for anxiety, especially when some choices or exposure is out of your control. In my 20's I thought I could control a whole lot. In my 30's I realized I can only control so much and now in my 40's I wonder if anything is in my control. No wonder anxiety has been creeping up and digging in so effectively for so long.
One thing no one told me is that all the radiation I had to my neck, chest and abdomen would shrink my thyroid, damage my stomach, create lots of scar tissue, and make me at a higher risk of heart problems and breast cancer. I now have to undergo not only annual mammograms but annual "high-risk" breast MRIs. I had my first one earlier this year and they found an unidentifiable "area of density," which led to a breast biopsy. I managed not to freak out too badly with that because I know that tests like these often show things that end up being no cause for concern. Well all was well and I sighed relief.
Truth is, I am shit scared of cancer, of plane crashes, of highway car accidents and some other things but those are the main ones. And having cancer in my past or not, there is a hellofa lot of stuff to be afraid of in this world. And I've known for some time that I have to be careful and not let fear take over. And for the most part I am able to keep fear at bay with God's help - by putting on Truth and choosing the peace that Jesus offers me. But the undercurrent of anxiety has been there for years and lately has been threatening to just bowl me right over. If only I could view health challenges with the same
emotionally-detached pragmatism as I did when I was 19. In that case, ignorance was truly bliss!
Over the years I have come to believe that there is just no guarantee that we will make it through this life unscathed. Hard things happen to people all the time. I believe that God is good and loving and powerful and that he works all things together for the good of those who love him and trust him and sometimes even those who don't. I don't believe God makes people sick or punishes people with hard things. I believe that we live in a broken world where evil forces are at work. I believe humans have been given the responsibility to care for the earth and each other and we are given free will. And because of how we humans have screwed things up, we have created for ourselves this toxic world we call home. I believe God will make the earth new and redeem all things. I believe God does often protect us from things but I also believe that God does not always shield us from pain or sickness or suffering because he cares so much about the quality of our faith and relationship with him. Besides, what is joy when you haven't experienced suffering? And isn't it just a beautiful thing to learn to be thankful and content in any situation? I believe that God's specialty is taking really hard things and creating good out of them. Like when I had cancer. I could write a whole post about all the good that came out of that. Man did I need a wake-up call when I was 19!
Years ago I decided I was not going to make my faith in God or my contentedness dependent on me getting what I want - a husband, children, pregnancy, and a life free of illness for me and those close to me. For years I have in faith released the future to God in regard to our family and our desire for children (and specifically my desire for pregnancy), trusting his plan is good. It is time I also release the burden of my health to God and trust him to take care of it. God is so much more concerned with the development of our characters and faith and our relationship to him and because I have come to know and experience that he is good and powerful, I trust him completely.
But do I?
In my search to find the root of my anxiety I have discovered some wrong thinking and beliefs that I believe has led to the anxiety I have been experiencing for years. Here they are:
- If I have all my health needs met, I will be well and I have security. This includes the right kind of eating, exercising, the right doctors, the right medicine and supplements, avoiding certain toxic chemicals, getting enough sleep, etc...
- I am happy/okay/secure when I am well.
The other problem is that at some point I have taken on the burden and responsibility for my health and instead of trusting God completely have trusted in my own understanding, wisdom and ability to take care of myself - something I fail at all the time! This is a burden I am not meant to carry and my body is letting me know that enough is enough.
I read recently that anything that we look to for wholeness, worthiness or happiness other than God can easily become our master. An idol. I have become enslaved to the need to stay well and what I feel I need to stay well.
I'm ready for a new way. I have given back the burden of my health to my God, the only one with the power to protect and save me even when I'm not getting it all right and whom I can trust has my best interest at heart and promises to be with me through any difficulty or tragic event. The only safe place and true wisdom is with the Creator of the magnificent micro-world that is our body and the magnificent macro-world that includes innumerable solar systems and galaxies. It's time to stop looking to other things.
I'm reading a booked called Addiction & Grace by Gerald G. May, M.D. This paragraph really resonated with me:
Freedom and security have always been uneasy together; the things that secure us tend to bind us down, and those that free us often feel like risks. We are meant to be free enough to really love God and one another, but true freedom can happen only if we completely trust in God's ultimate care for us. And to really trust God, we must begin to relax our grip and ease our concern about all the lesser sources of security to which we have become attached. This can feel risky indeed.
For years I have grown so accustomed to researching and tackling my health issues head on, seeking to understand what's going on so I can solve it quickly. I do my research, make adjustments to my diet and lifestyle and supplements and consult with doctors to validate my theories and gain necessary testing and treatment so that I can have some feeling of control and security. But I must not be so quick to seek help without first going to God through prayer. Am I missing a miracle by running about it all based on my own strength and limited understanding? Am I missing an opportunity to walk with God through the challenge? Or am I saying I got this God, I know what's best for me? As I navigate my health care and consult with doctors, I must remember who is ultimately responsible for my health and trust in God to guide me and lead me to what I need, regardless of whether it comes through a doctor, medicine, or some wisdom about a way of eating or living. Can I live out of a place that acknowledges my Creator as my very breath and life source and not only invites him into but depends on him for my need for peace and security?
I want to be like the righteous described in Psalm 112...
They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear.And in Jeremiah 17...
“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,Then there are these classic verses, Proverbs 3: 5-6...
whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
Trust in the Lord with all your heartAfter twenty years of walking with Jesus, I still have so much to learn; so many areas for growth.
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
I'm thankful for the signals my body gives me to show me how to take care of it better. I am thankful for resources to do it. I am thankful for how my recent health challenges are teaching me to rest in the only safe place, in the security of knowing I belong to God and he promises to guard my life.
Since making some changes to my thoughts and laying down the burden to control outcomes related to my health, I am finding freedom and peace and much, much less anxiety.
God my breath
God my peace
God my security
God my safe refuge
God my strength
God my wisdom
God my healer
God my physician
God my life source
Let my mantra be this line from a song by Hillsong called I Will Exalt You:
Because you are with me, I will not fear.
I'm loosening my panicky grip on man-made sources of security. What a relief.
