One Week Since Adoption Day and Today's Breakthrough

It's been one week since the day we became Michella's parents. What a ride this has been. I always wondered what these days would be like but could never really imagine them in detail. The one daydream (ache) I did have regularly was having a small child cuddling with me and falling asleep on my chest. I never imagined that this would be how I spend most of my waking hours or how many times in a day/night I would wait for her to sleep in this position before gingerly transferring her to the bed during nap time or her mattress on the floor next to our bed at night. I had no idea how bad my back would ache from carrying her or cuddling her in one position or holding while she slept or trying to make dinner with one arm while holding her in the other. I had no idea that I would hold her and cry because of the pain in seeing her hurt. I had no idea about a lot of things.

I must say that the past two days have been a bit hard for me personally. Michella has been restless at night, partly due to the cold she is dealing with as well as some diarrhea. This has made night-times not very restful for either of us. After a fun and cheerful morning together on Wednesday (we ran a couple errands and then took Michella out for lunch when she proceeded to amaze us with her vigorous appetite. She ate so well and fast that I could barely keep up. There was rice everywhere! We had a few half-smiles and Andrey and I laughed with delight at her), the afternoon that day was full of sad, unhappy faces per Michella. The sad faces were not unusual but it's amazing what the heart does when you have signs of progress - it is quick to declare that the worst is over and everything should be hunky dory from here on out. Of course I know in my mind that is not to be expected but in my heart I am quick to run there.

Yesterday was particularly hard. It seemed that even my usual physical care was met with resistance. She wouldn't take any food offered by me and didn't want to play. All of my attempts (as opposed to most) to interact/make eye contact were met with withdrawal and rejection. For some reason I took this hard as I realized that even though Michella has allowed me to care for her physically (cuddles with head buried or turned away from me only, feeding, bathing, sleeping), she has not yet allowed me to care for her emotionally (no eye contact, very little interaction, no communal play, no smiles directed at me, no words, no laughter). I think I had assumed that her allowing me to care for her physically also meant she was starting to open up to me emotionally but the obvious error in that thinking became apparent yesterday and it hurt even though I had supposedly prepared myself for this. I felt emotionally tapped out, emotionally fragile and just plain tired. I admit I didn't feel the usual compassion. I just felt tired and had a hard time even praying for her last night like I usually do.

This morning started out with more of the same. After breakfast I held Michella for our morning cuddle and I prayed a desperate prayer for strength and patience for this new day. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with compassion for this little one in my arms and a welling up of emotion so I cried. I cried for this little one's pain and I cried to the Lord for help, mercy, grace and healing on her behalf. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. 

We began our usual morning playtime. I decided that even though she usually resisted eye contact that I would continue to be intentional in this area. She played facing me in my lap. I would hand her something or she would grab something within reach to play with. After about 20 minutes of this (already a longer than usual time of playing without needing to withdraw and cuddle), I took a chance at a game of peek-a-boo with a small towel. Not much response. We played a little more and soon, using a bamboo fan, she started playing peek-a-boo and I GOT MY FIRST SMILE directed at me from our time of personal interaction. I laughed my joy and relief and kissed her neck. This went on. We continued to play and she continue to smile at me showing a medium amount of pleasure. This would have been enough...

As the day went on we moved to hanging out on the couch with her on my lap facing me. We played more peek-a-boo and her smiles increased in intensity. Then I lifted her in the air and entire face lit up and I got a full-teeth smile! This continued for another 15 minutes! We played many different games involving our bellies, some tickling and some lifting in the air. There was so much continual eye contact and shared smiles. Andrey was in the room at this point and got to observe this. We couldn't believe it! We were overjoyed!! This was BY FAR the happiest we have seen this little girl since we started caring for her a week ago. 

About an hour later I had her in my sling carrier. We went for a walk and then I sat down to do something when she spontaneously leaned back with a huge smile on her face, initiating play. I joined in and swooped to an upside-down position while I went for kisses to her neck. And guess what?? SHE LAUGHED!!! It was a full-on, maxed-out need to release an audible, nearly hysterical laugh! I nearly cried! We did this for a while and she kept laughing!! And when I changed her diaper soon after, she initiated play by putting her feet near my mouth so I would act like I was going to eat them. She loved this - more smiles!

We had a fantastic lunch time with Andrey and she seemed very relaxed around him. She even accepted a few things from him and looked at him a little longer than usual. Amazing. And it seems her appetite is coming back as she ate like a pro!

So thank you thank you thank you for praying! 

Here are some photos from the past few days. We have learned that Michella really really does not like the camera (nor being the center of attention nor being talked about) so we've been selective about when we take photos, thus the several pictures of her sleeping.

Okay, I better go. I have a feeling someone will wake up from her nap soon as she is beginning to stir. Sorry, no time to proofread this!

Our first breakfast home together (Sunday morning)

A trip to the mall to buy her some shoes (Monday). She was actually awake here but closed her eyes as soon as she saw Andrey pull out the camera.

The first of our daily afternoon walks around the yard and on our small street (Monday).

Nap time - she's love the elephant our cousin Katya made her

This girl loves spaghetti! We get much joy out of watching her eat when she's really into her food.

Morning outing to pick up her rocking chair

Another nap time

Yesterday's morning play time turned into an unplanned short nap

We had a few visitors stop by for a trial playdate. Michella was not interested in playing or interacting but seemed fine enough as long as she stayed close to me.

The new rocking chair where we have some pre-bedtime rocking, singing and prayer each night. Thanks Aunt Jan!!