Newbie Mom Worries

My baby is sick. Early last week she started in with a cold. She's had a cough the last few days, mainly at night. Up until yesterday she's been fine otherwise. Then yesterday afternoon I noticed she wouldn't eat much and she kept saying she was tired and wanted to lie down. I should have clued in that that meant she was feeling sick to her stomach but since I've barely ever seen her like that I didn't think about it... until she barfed on me two minutes after we sat down to dinner. Andrey is away in Manila but I had two visitors who were so amazing to get up immediately and clean the barf that trailed from the dining room to the kitchen where I brought Ella to finish barfing. (Yes, I like to refer to vomit as barf. It's the word Ella uses since it's the one we taught her and it is very cute to hear her say 'barf!... barf..ing'. I blame it on the fact that I grew up with two brothers. Throw up/vomit is just gross. I find barf to be the most descriptive and fun word to use!)

She seemed to feel better after that and was able to keep a tiny bit of food and water down so I wasn't worried. She fell asleep fast and hard last night and was only up once in the night with the coughing. I've given her Benadryl twice now over the past two nights to help her sleep. This morning she slept in till 7, which I expected. We got up and I gave her a bit of breakfast. I was encouraged that she ate a little bit of cereal and drank some milk. But here's what is strange. By the time her egg was ready she was nearly dozing at the table and asking to lie down. As soon as I put her down she was out. It's nearly 9 and she's still asleep.

I know it's nothing to worry about at this point, especially since she ate and drank this morning and hasn't vomited again and she doesn't have a fever but it is still very strange for her to sleep this much and be so tired in the morning! I guess she just either really needs the rest or the Benadryl is having some delayed effect. I gave her Benadryl at 11 pm last night though. That was a long time ago.

All this to say, I feel like a classic new mom this morning. Totally fighting the urge to worry. Ella has been sick before, mainly colds and fevers but she's always been her normal self energy-wise. With her seeming so out of it and uber sleepy I am finding it disconcerting.

For now I will pray, and ask Jesus to take care of her and to show me if there is anything different I should be doing. After all, my sweet Ella belongs to the Lord and he is the one who loves her and cares for her way better than I can. I trust him to give me wisdom if there is anything I need to do.

As much as I often wish I had more time to myself to get certain things done, I don't like this quiet Saturday morning with Andrey away and Ella asleep. I'd rather have her up and about making a mess while she "helps" me make our typical Saturday morning pancakes.

Update: Ella's awake and is much more herself now. All seems well and this new mom is relieved.  Have a great weekend everyone!

2 Years, 10 Months (Together 10 Months)

Our sweetie Ella is growing and changing so fast! Andrey and I are especially smitten with her these days. I feel like I constantly want to jot things down so I can remember the latest little cute thing she did or grab the camera to try to capture what she's doing. Our photos do not come close to doing her boisterous and happy personality justice. Partly because we are not good photographers but mainly because when the camera is out she becomes subdued. With Mommy and Daddy and the kitties as her only companions she is in her element and we get to see the real Ella. She is so amazing!!! I wish you could see all that we see but I guess that's what family is about - a safe place to really be and become who you are. As I type, she is spinning around in circles laughing and giggling and falling down saying she's dizzy while Andrey plays the guitar. I love the sound of her laughter.

Ella is making some real gains in a few areas of independence. She is (finally!) beginning to walk more, which is so fantastic because she has gotten heavier and I find carrying her for any length of time challenging. I have been encouraging her to walk more because well, she's almost three(!) and she has shown that she can do it if she decides to so it's not usually about her feeling insecure. Plus, she is only occasionally insisting on it now. I am finding the use of encouragement and praise, small rewards, and referring to walking as something that "big girls" do to be working well. I stopped bringing the stroller with us to the mall. A few times when we've been out and she's asked me to carry her and I encouraged her to walk she has surprised me by walking and then saying, "big girl!"

Her communication abilities have really progressed. As opposed to before when she would say words of things she sees or communicate only when she needs or wants something, she has started trying to explain or tell us about something that happened, but does it partly in gibberish.

Like just now she was playing with the cat in the other room. She came over to me with tons of cat hair on her arm and proceeded to tell me all about it. It sounded something like this, "Uhhh, dee gaw... That one, there.. uhh... pull!, hairs!, arm....Fia!, (laughing) uhhhh, bwe laaa, uhhh, down!" And she involves her whole body when talking like this. Arms waving, pointing, wiggling. It's so cute!

It's like she's ready to interact with us in new ways but is still developing the language ability to do it. She is still learning and using new words all the time and is showing us how she can string more words together to communicate things in more detail. I have been so proud of her lately for communicating with us so well! She is learning that using several words together is really fun and effective!

We are making very small progress in potty training. I am trying the gradual approach. About a month ago when she gives me the signal that she's going to poo (distancing herself and saying "not yet!") I began grabbing her and bringing her into the bathroom to do it in her diaper. Lately I've been encouraging her to touch the toilet when she goes. A few days ago she surprised me by telling me, "Privacy. Poo poo. Bathroom?" So she has begun anticipating the need to poo and waits till she is in the bathroom before she gets started. Progress! Soon I will encourage her to sit on the toilet and poo in her diaper. I just keep telling her that one day when she's ready, she can use the toilet for poo and pee like a big girl and then she will get to wear big girl undies. So she knows, she just has to decide she's ready. 

Lately on the weekends, and thanks to my fabulous husband, I've been able to get some much needed me time. This past Saturday I got out of the house with a girlfriend for coffee while Andrey and Ella got in lots of play time. Last night I went out for dinner with a few friends after Ella was asleep. What a treat!

I've also started having one of the young gals in our church over on Friday afternoons to hang out and play with Ella so I can get some computer time in or do some hassle-free cooking or go grocery shopping together without having to try to entertain Ella and shop at the same time. It's like having a nanny one afternoon a week (it's so nice!). I still have never left Ella with anyone other than Andrey. The hope is to get Ella comfortable with someone so that at some point (hopefully soon!) we might be able to get out of the house together for a few hours.

In light of all this growth, I was reminded of something very important this week. After a period of making significant gains (i.e. playing with friends for periods of time without needing Mommy much at all, playing on her own while Mommy gets something done while at home), Ella may need to back track a bit and require more attention and focused time from me. Just because she gains some independence in a few areas doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore. I had gotten used to a new level of independence that I began to think this was the new normal. Naturally I pick up the little bits of independence I get as a result and run with them.
 This past week some things that I think have been brewing for a while boiled over and she had an extremely rough day. She just lost it and she had an episode that was so reminiscent of the rough times we had during her initial adjustment to our family. Really, we haven't seen anything like it in more than seven months. I realize now that I wasn't cluing in to her need to draw close and refuel emotionally after she had ventured out into new areas of independence. When things are going so well it is easy to forget that she is not immune to emotional breakdowns that may be tied to grief, loss, fear of rejection, and insecurity.

I just often feel so unsure of myself. I question whether I should default to giving her all or most of my time and attention (and get very little done) or to challenge her and give her the opportunity to rise to it. I think I am learning that both are appropriate at times and it is a delicate balance that requires me to stay tuned-in and follow her lead - both when she show readiness and desire for more independence and when she needs to draw close.

I realize that I don't want to push her into anything before she's ready. I like the gradual approach with many aspects of parenting her. Occasionally she jumps forward and shows us that we have underestimated her but in many other things and times she shows us that she is in need of an extra dose of empathy and sensitivity. I'd rather err on the attachment/security side than to push to independence before she's ready. Wow, I am finding it so helpful to be able to process this!

Jeepers this is turning into a long post. Thanks for reading this far! I go a week or so thinking I have nothing to blog about and then when I sit down to do it I realize I actually have much to say - and it all ends up being about Ella! There really are lots of other things going on too but I simply run out of time to share any of it.

So to move on, here are a few pics from the past week or so...

Reading to "baby" using her own language

A, One of Ella's playmates during one of our weekly play dates, hams it up for the camera

Ella and good buddy, R

Cleaning her bike - this was all her idea

Self-portrait

Dear friend M brought baby B over for a visit - I had the privilege of caring for M and baby B before he was born (I did her prenatal care until we got Ella). He is such a cutie!

Ella LOVES babies! If she's around a baby, she wants to hold the baby. She did great holding baby B!

Must have Goodnight Moon before every bedtime, naps included

Getting ready to head to the mall. Ella put her own shoes on and grabbed her purse to show mommy she was ready to go. (It's strange how the flash makes her look a lot darker than she is but my house doesn't have the best light on raining days.)

The other day Ella was in fine form. She grabbed a magazine, rolled it up and played it like a guitar, then she positioned her bike handlebars and pointed to the "microphone". She sang and played the guitar and commanded Andrey and me to clap. Clever girl! (I tried to get Andrey to catch some of it on video. Will try and share some of it in another post.) She has such a sweet singing voice.

I can't hide it. I am so in love with this little girl.

Nine Years! (Our Story)

Nine years ago I married this Canadian guy, Andrey. We met at church four years prior. We were friends. We hung out in the same social circle. We went to coffee shops to study together (he was in law school, I was studying nutrition). We were not remotely interested in each other.

I thought he was too nerdy and clean-cut for me. That was back when I still cared about being cool and actually thought I was. (Turns out self-awareness comes with age and putting off of the old self, or false self, comes with discipleship.) Andrey thought I was a little too "edgy." I used to dye my hair in wild colors - from platinum blonde to red/orange. You can see why it took nearly four years before things changed (although friends saw it well before we did).

Over those four years I changed a lot and learned more about who I really was. Andrey was still nerdy and clean cut but I began to see him very differently. He was a guy that everybody loves (still is!) with a personality that draws you to him. (How did I resist his manly charms for so long!?)

Alaska, 1999 - I'm the blonde in the front

Alaska, 1999 - Andrey is front right

Andrey and I led a home group together and got to know each other better. I was so impressed with how well we worked together and was especially impressed when he defended me to a guy in our group that said that it was okay for me to "serve refreshments" but not okay for me to pray out loud. I began viewing this nerdy guy in a different light. This guy was quality.

Then, a year or so later, God really turned on the light. I couldn't get him out of my mind so I prayed and prayed and prayed that the Lord would show me if this was it. He did. God asked me what I wanted and did I want Andrey? After listing all his wonderful qualities on paper and comparing them to my list of qualities I wanted in a husband (and I decided I could let the item good dancer go), I realized he measured up to everything. I told the Lord, yes, this is the guy I want. And this was before I really knew how great he is!

I kept this revelation to myself as Andrey was traveling in SE Asia (including Thailand and the Philippines, who knew?) after taking the BAR exam. What I didn't know is that he was also praying to try to figure out "what to do about Jen."

When he returned home to Seattle and we saw each other again at church, there was a huge spark. We made excuses to hang out a few times and soon after he asked me out on "some dates." I hid my extreme excitement as I heard this and responded with, "Umm, sure, that would be great." Then I went inside my house to my four female roommates and squealed on the floor like a school girl. Within a week of our first date we were madly in love. Like seriously giddy, drunk, can't focus on anything else, in love. Having to wait TWO months for that proposal felt like FOREVER!

He took me snowboarding and we got engaged on a snowy mountain in Vancouver. What a dreamy day!

Abbotsford, BC - January, 2002 - Engagement Party

Six months after the proposal, we married on July 12, 2002.

Puerto Vallarta, Mexico - July 2002 - Honeymoon

I had no idea how life-giving our relationship would be and where God would take us together. Andrey is my best friend and is absolutely my most favorite person to be with. He is so even keel and solid and kind and loving - even when I'm not so easy to love. And he is an amazing father.

He has played a huge part in the deep emotional and spiritual healing I have experienced over the past decade. I'll never forget when we got together when he called me a jewel of creation. This is a picture of true love. All made possible because of our Father in heaven who is the definition of Love. This is the kind of love that transforms and empowers and the whole thing is marked with joy.

I love you, Andrey! Happy Anniversary!

Back to Dacozy

We went back to our favorite little beach spot last weekend. Our dear friend Charlotte's birthday gave us a great excuse to get away.

Happy Birthday, Charlotte!

Ella is enjoying the beach more and more. Andrey got some fun video of Ella's first buried-in-the-sand experience...

Ella loved being buried in the sand so much, we did it again the next day, this time with the help of the owner's daughters. 

 Sometimes she just does not want her picture taken .

 but I persisted...

Misunderstood

I learned something yesterday. If you get a toddler excited about packing a backpack full of books and toys for a trip to the beach the following day, she may think you are leaving immediately! Poor Ella, she really thought we were going to get in the car and drive to the beach that very instant. Nothing I said calmed her down. She just had to have a full-on melt down. "Beach!!!! Beach!!!! Dooooor! Dooooor!" she wailed as she pointed to the front door, as if I didn't know which way to go to get out.

These are the moments when you just try not to laugh. I tried to help her understand that we were leaving tomorrow and that Daddy wasn't even here and we surely didn't want to leave without him but she wasn't having it. She just had it in her mind that NOW was the only time to go. Tomorrow? It might as well be next year. My sweet little girl. I really felt for her because it was my own parenting novice that resulted in this tizzy. Now I know for next time.

So now it's Saturday. Today we will  head out the door for a road trip to the beach with our dear friend, Charlotte. Happy belated Canada Day. Have a great weekend!