I had a interaction with a very nosey woman at the pharmacy I stopped in at today. It all happened so fast that by the end of it, which included the time it took for me to pay and wait for my change, I realized how much information this woman got out of me about my daughter and I almost felt violated. And frustrated with myself for answering any of her questions.
You just don't know how far people will take things when the line of questioning starts. Most of the time it's the usual three questions and then they get the picture, but not this woman. Oh man did she interrogate me. I just didn't see it coming.
The exchange went something like this. By the way, this slew of questions took place in about 60 seconds, well before I realized it would have been much better to have been rude and cut it off at the beginning. I need to get better at this. Ugh.
Lady: Is she your daughter?
Me: Yes (smiling)
Lady: So are you American?
Me: Yes (looking away thinking, here we go)
Lady: So you live here?
Me: Yes
Lady: Are you married?
Me: Yes, almost 10 years (I'm proud of that and was happy to share it)
Lady: So your husband is Filipino?
Me: No
Lady: Huh? (confused look) But... (examining Ella with her eyes, meanwhile I'm thinking, please stop here, please clue in before I have to spell it out for you)
Me: She's adopted (I smile and wink at Ella)
Lady: So you were not able to have a child?
Me: Not yet! (smiling and trying to look positive. I said this knowing what she was asking me but thinking, I have a child, so I guess we were able!)
Lady: Does she know she's adopted?
Me: Yes! (exasperated tone, because jeez, I just told you that, in front of her, thank God this is not how my daughter learns that she is adopted you crazy lady!)
Lady: So does she see her Mom? She sees her mom often, right?
Me: Umm, No! (THANK GOD my change finally came from the other sales woman and I could walk out the door... As I walked away I screamed in my head, feeling very protective, YEAH SHE SEES HER MOM. I AM HER MOM! This wasn't some under-the-table deal. What does this woman think?)
You see there is this stigma with adoption here. Families who can't conceive will often adopt a baby from a family they know or have heard of who have more than their fair share. This is done illegally and many times secretly because it is shameful for a couple to not be able to bear a child. I can't tell you how many times this kind of thing was attempted during my time at the maternity clinic. The birth mom asking us to write someone else's name on the birth certificate that she planned to give her baby to. Sometimes the child is brought up without ever knowing they were adopted. Or even worse, I've heard of situations where the child joins the new family and is more of a second-rate child than a beloved family member. I mean, you know, you have your kids and then you have YOUR kids. My British friend who has 2 biological and 3 adopted children gets this all the time. "So which ones are yours?"
I know all this about local, under-the-table adoption in the Philippines. And it makes me angry to think that someone would apply any of that cultural stigma to my child and think that I adopted her illegally. After all that we went through to get her I can feel so defensive. And so there is a part of me that wants to share just enough so that they know that our situation is not typical and that I love my daughter as if I carried her in my body for 9 months. I did carry her actually. I carried her for years and she grew, as did my love for her well before I knew her name. And it is so freaking official, it couldn't be any more above-board.
So there. I just wanted to declare that.
I feel like a Momma Bear. ROAR!!!
You just don't know how far people will take things when the line of questioning starts. Most of the time it's the usual three questions and then they get the picture, but not this woman. Oh man did she interrogate me. I just didn't see it coming.
The exchange went something like this. By the way, this slew of questions took place in about 60 seconds, well before I realized it would have been much better to have been rude and cut it off at the beginning. I need to get better at this. Ugh.
Lady: Is she your daughter?
Me: Yes (smiling)
Lady: So are you American?
Me: Yes (looking away thinking, here we go)
Lady: So you live here?
Me: Yes
Lady: Are you married?
Me: Yes, almost 10 years (I'm proud of that and was happy to share it)
Lady: So your husband is Filipino?
Me: No
Lady: Huh? (confused look) But... (examining Ella with her eyes, meanwhile I'm thinking, please stop here, please clue in before I have to spell it out for you)
Me: She's adopted (I smile and wink at Ella)
Lady: So you were not able to have a child?
Me: Not yet! (smiling and trying to look positive. I said this knowing what she was asking me but thinking, I have a child, so I guess we were able!)
Lady: Does she know she's adopted?
Me: Yes! (exasperated tone, because jeez, I just told you that, in front of her, thank God this is not how my daughter learns that she is adopted you crazy lady!)
Lady: So does she see her Mom? She sees her mom often, right?
Me: Umm, No! (THANK GOD my change finally came from the other sales woman and I could walk out the door... As I walked away I screamed in my head, feeling very protective, YEAH SHE SEES HER MOM. I AM HER MOM! This wasn't some under-the-table deal. What does this woman think?)
You see there is this stigma with adoption here. Families who can't conceive will often adopt a baby from a family they know or have heard of who have more than their fair share. This is done illegally and many times secretly because it is shameful for a couple to not be able to bear a child. I can't tell you how many times this kind of thing was attempted during my time at the maternity clinic. The birth mom asking us to write someone else's name on the birth certificate that she planned to give her baby to. Sometimes the child is brought up without ever knowing they were adopted. Or even worse, I've heard of situations where the child joins the new family and is more of a second-rate child than a beloved family member. I mean, you know, you have your kids and then you have YOUR kids. My British friend who has 2 biological and 3 adopted children gets this all the time. "So which ones are yours?"
I know all this about local, under-the-table adoption in the Philippines. And it makes me angry to think that someone would apply any of that cultural stigma to my child and think that I adopted her illegally. After all that we went through to get her I can feel so defensive. And so there is a part of me that wants to share just enough so that they know that our situation is not typical and that I love my daughter as if I carried her in my body for 9 months. I did carry her actually. I carried her for years and she grew, as did my love for her well before I knew her name. And it is so freaking official, it couldn't be any more above-board.
So there. I just wanted to declare that.
I feel like a Momma Bear. ROAR!!!
8 comments:
Oh mama Jen, so proud of you!! You ARE the mama!!!
I just read this post to your dad. He has a recommendation for you. The next time someone questions you like that, look them straight in the eyes (mouth) and ask "Are those your teeth?"
I always find it hard to cut people off even when they are being totally inappropriate and it makes things even worse when it all happens so quickly. Next time you will be more prepared!!! Brian had a lady ask him how much we paid for Rafael when he was at a coffee shop a few months ago. Brian went through the whole spiel of we didn't buy him and so on and so on. He is more patient that I would have been.
Ella has one fantastic mama!! And lucky Ella gets to see her mama everyday!!!
True story. 1960-My first son died at three months. Military move to Germany. 1962-Adopt 11 mo old son. Several weeks later I'm pg. Then the biggest shock: a neighbor asked of my adopted baby, " So are you going to give HIM back?" How can people be so brain dead?
@ Auntie Jan: Thanks for sharing your story here. I guess there are just people who have no filter between brain and mouth. It's just hard to imagine anyone could think such things, as if we love our adopted children any less than we do/would a biological child but that is just the perception for so many. That's why I love sharing my adoption story and my deep love for my daughter.
Gar, so frustrating!! I LOVE Mimi's suggestion! LMFAO, dude. DUDE. What is UP with people all up in your SHIZZLE?!
And *GASP* poor Jan! Holy crud.
I think people have a hard time grasping that the love is the same. Kind of like how westerners have trouble believing an arranged marriage could end in love. Lucky for us, it can!
=)
Yesterday in CVS I overheard a conversation between a customer and a female clerk who said, "So how many do you have now?" lady replied, "Eight in all now." I had to hear this and kinda joined them. Lady said she had four biological children and realized she was pg on the day the adoption of their three foster siblings became final. That little girl was with her. She continued to tell the clerk how she feels the same love for all of them. By now I'm telling about my adopted Jimmy and Micheal who was born ten months later. And showing a picture of Ella while mentioning the good works of IJM. Lady says that's what her 19 year old wants to do and I gave her the web site. We parted like old friends. Actually I wanted to go home with her to meet their two other foster kids. I couldn't stop thinking of that family all day!
Roar away, Momma Bear! I always have a hard time cutting people off too. I always get the question, "are their other parents still alive?" I never know how to answer it -- especially when the girls are with me.
I love what your mom said!! I think I'll use that one when I don't want to answer a nosy question.
Blessings!
Deborah
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