Another Side of Cebu

Cebu City is bordered by the ocean on one side and mountains on the other.  We regularly get to enjoy the ocean but it's not often we get out to explore the mountains.  There aren't any public walking trails or nature parks and so we've been a bit disappointed with lack of options for getting out in nature for a hike.  Now that we have Ella and we see how much she loves and needs to frolic around where there are trees and grass and open space, we recently decided to settle for a walk in the powerful midday sun on a road through lots of farm land that has some nice views.  We enjoyed it so much we wondered why we haven't done this more in the past.  It's perfect for Ella, who loves finding a good stick or two, riding on Daddy's shoulders, skipping with mommy and being social with the many cows and goats along the way.  We are so thankful to live in such a beautiful place.  I realize that by adjusting expectations and having the right kind of attitude we get to experience some simple but great things that we might otherwise miss out on. 

More Nosy Ladies

I ran into another extremely nosy and tactless lady at the market yesterday.  Opposed to my last nosy lady interaction, I responded so much better this time.  I think it was a bit easier to handle the barrage of questions about me and Ella because they were directed at the lady I was buying mangoes from.  This woman was verbally processing all the questions she had about us and wanted to start a conversation with the seller about us, perhaps assuming we didn't understand a word she was saying.  But I did understand. And the seller, whom I've bought from before, knew I understood, so she was noticeably uncomfortable with this woman's gossipy chatter. 

I was thankful that the seller kept quiet and let me handle it.  So as the lady tried to discuss how clearly American I was and how clearly Filipino my daughter was and wondered aloud where my daughter's "real" mama was, I acted as if I didn't understand but gave knowing glances to the mango seller.  I ignored the nosy woman, but as she continued I began talking to the mango seller in Cebuano and the woman could then see that I understood.  You'd think this would cause her to feel a little embarrassed for talking about us so openly where we could hear but no, she just went on as if her curiosity and questioning was perfectly acceptable.  She then directed her questions at Ella.  Hello baby! Where is your mommy? You speak Cebuano right? At this point I was really annoyed and so thankful that Ella did not understand what she was saying because she said it in Cebuano.  I then employed a local expression that people here use to say I don't want to talk about it in a light-hearted way.  I looked at the woman and said, "Secret!" with a smirky smile.  The woman sort of laughed it off and I left... without giving ANY information and with my daughter's privacy and dignity intact.  It felt so good.

I guess I should be ready for the scenario when Ella is asked Where is your mommy? question in English.  She would probably just look at the person like they were stupid because clearly her mommy is right here.  I really, really hate that question. 

I am finding a variety of ways to respond to strangers' questions.  I recently decided that when someone asks about me and my daughter and they aren't initially really offensive or annoying, and if I'm in the mood, I would take it as an opportunity to educate the person on international adoption.  I tried this last week when I had a conversation with a less nosy woman at our local running track.

On a quick side note.  This woman asked if the child in the stroller I was pushing was my daughter.  Then she asked, Can she walk?  I find this so funny and just tells of the fact that strollers are not commonly used around here.  In the mall, yes.  But not at the running track I guess.  I find it so amusing that her first thought was to wonder if my child was disabled.

Anyway, instead of even letting the conversation move to her asking how it is that me and my daughter don't look alike, I went right ahead and told her that we adopted our daughter and that there are many families around the world who adopt children from the Philippines.  I told her that we waited for three years to get her because we wanted her so bad and that she was chosen for us and how wonderfully happy we are now that we have her.  And then I directed the conversation elsewhere.

I often get this response from strangers who learn a little about our story - Oh she is so lucky!  To this I make a point to say something like, Oh thanks, but we are the ones who are lucky.  She is such an amazing girl and we love her so much.  She is not a charity case and I don't want her to ever think that we adopted her simply out of "the kindness of our heart".  What strangers don't consider is that we needed her as much as she needed us.  What they don't know about is the ache in my heart I carried for years and years as we waited for her.  

It feels very good to be learning how to take control of these interactions and protect my daughter in the process.  I want our discussions about our story and adoption to be on my terms and when I choose to share, I want the conversation to be very positive and natural.  At some point when Ella gets older I may have to direct the questions to her and let her decide if she wants to share or not.  We will have to work as a team to deal with inevitable interactions like these.

Ella's First Dentist Appointment

Ella got her first fillings at the dentist last week.  She came to us with what I thought were at least two cavities, maybe more, and there was nothing I could do about them until recently.  I dreaded the whole dental experience.  So I brought her with me to our dentist and let her see the office, meet the dentist and get the feel for the place.  After several visits she refused to sit in the chair.  When it came time to book a real appointment I realized that I didn't have full confidence in my dentist to work on Ella.  I really like my dentist but she is often distracted during appointments, taking phone calls in the middle of cleaning my teeth.

I was thankful when I got a glowing recommendation from a friend of mine for another dentist who had done some work on one of her kids.  So I took Ella in to the new dentist's office to make the appointment so she could see it and get familiar before her actual appointment. We went back a week later and I had very low expectations.  I talked to Ella about it all week leading up to it and only encouraged her to sit in the chair, open her mouth and let the dentist look inside.  I gauged her readiness by her response to this.  She was very positive (and super-cute practicing what she would do when the dentist asked her to open up) and seemed eager to give it a try.  I was nervous.

On our first visit she totally blew me away.  Not only did she do what she agreed to do, she actually sat there and let the dentist give her a good teeth cleaning.  I was able to sit with her in the chair, and while she was a bit nervous at first when it came time to lean back in the chair, she did so with encouragement from me and the dentist who was super matter-of-fact, kind, patient and all-around disarming. He was perfect. Thank God there were only two cavities. He said he could go ahead and do one of the fillings that day but I decided we shouldn't push it.

We came back a week later and she had her two cavities drilled out without any anesthesia and two fillings put in without even a twinge of pain.  I sat with her in the chair again and held her hands the whole time - not because she wanted that, but because I did - and I noticed that her hands and the rest of her body were so relaxed the entire time.  She was SO CUTE sitting there with her mouth open, body relaxed, tongue fishing around, and alternately turning her eyes to look at the dentist, then the assistant, then the dentist, etc.  This was like NO BIG DEAL for her whatsoever.

It appears that I have underestimated her.