What I've Learned in the Past Five Months

The organization my husband works for has been so kind to us.  Since we have been overseas for ten years, and since Andrey has had quite a challenging work load the past couple of years (sometimes doing the jobs of three or more people), and because the people who lead the organization care about us and our spiritual, emotional and physical health, they have given us the amazing gift of five months off before our move to India.  Seriously, who does that? 

What a gift!  We felt like we hit the jackpot.  We wanted to steward the time well.  We bought a tent trailer and a truck and drove all around North America visiting friends and family and taking time to be together just the three of us.  It was great mix of social and "just us" time.  Andrey and I took turns spending time alone in silence and solitude with the intention of slowing down and drawing near to God, realizing that true rest comes only from him.  We arranged for regular calls with spiritual directors to help guide us along the way.  Earlier this month I took some time to reflect on what I've learned during these month off.  

I learned a few things about silence and solitude.  I first had to stop trying to do it "right."  I learned that being alone with God is 1) the discipline of practicing attentiveness to God's presence and 2) an act of faith.  It is the act of removing myself from the equation as a way to demonstrate my complete and utter dependence on God to do for me what I can not do for myself.  It was not easy at first to stop the inner dialogue and I quickly grew frustrated with myself.  But over time and practice, and with the help of a few repeating centering phrases (I found "To you O Lord I lift up my soul, my hope is in you all day long" helpful), I began to settle into those times and rest in knowing that I am known by the maker of the universe and I belong to him.  Such peace and contentment comes when we stop striving and just be.

I’ve learned (am learning) how to be needy.  Good needy.  The right kind of needy.  Aware of my constant and desperate need for God, His presence and grace, and my need for Andrey – my need to be open and share with him what is going on inside my heart and mind.  I’m learning how to not be so damn self-reliant – which only results in me feeling alone and isolated, “me against the world.”  

What a gift these months have been to practice this with Andrey – while he is the most available he’s ever been, or at least for a long time.  Slowing down and having this time off together has helped us to see things I don't think we would have seen in the usual busy pace of life.  A huge and unexpected blessing of this time off was realizing how in the busyness of life over the past few years, we had grown very used to living individual, parallel lives together.  We realize that we both tend to downplay our needs and used busyness as a distraction from truly caring for each other.  I am learning to express my needs instead of withdrawing into myself when I feel alone or unsupported.  We have had many healthy discussions over the past few months and I think we have set up some new ways to tune into each other better, to stay available to one another and responsive to each others' needs.  Independence in marriage had served us well in some ways for many years but we both agree it's not working for us anymore and is dangerous if we continue like that.  I am so grateful to learn a new way. 

Another thing I’ve learned is that my devotion to God is not dependent on me getting what I want.  I am learning to rest and wait on him, his way and his plan, and stop trying to get God to do what I want.  I’ve laid down the idea that I was/am missing something and if maybe I did ____, then _____ would happen.  My worship and honoring of God – how is it affected in times when I’m not getting what I desire the most?  I've had a lot of time to think about this lately and in my times alone I’ve decided that I want to walk with Jesus despite dreams seemingly unfulfilled and in the waiting.  Relationship with Jesus is my real treasure.  Relationship is here and now and I want to be faithful to him regardless.  He promises to fill my desires with good things.  This is not a guarantee that I will get what I desire most nor that I will be spared something painful.  It seems that fulfillment of hopes and dreams doesn't usually come how and when we expect it and that the only thing I can count on is the unchanging character of God and that he will never leave me.  I know him well enough to trust him - to rest in his goodness, power, wisdom and love for me.

Because of this, I am much less anxious about how our desire for another child is going to work out. Earlier last year I found myself beginning to panic a little. But now I can say there is more yielding, surrendering, more awe of God, reverence, fear, humility, wonder. 

Lord forgive me for the ways I’ve come to you, entitled, demanding what I want, in my way. 

Again I wait in hope.  I am anchored in God as I wait.  I don’t have to rush ahead.  I can rest, pray, wait for his lead, trusting that when it’s time, I will know what I need to know so that I can move forward.  I have learned that our spiritual journey of transformation is not so much about how God uses us and what God will do, but what he is doing in us during the process.