Before I get into this can I just say again how wonderfully life-giving your comments have been to me since we got Michella? The comments have continued and I pour over every word. I'm sorry I can't respond to each one of them like I'd like to so please accept this: I am so grateful. THANK YOU!
The past two days have been challenging. The great part is that Michella continues to smile and laugh easily and seems to really enjoy playing and being silly, with her Mom. When it is just the two of us, she seems completely at ease and her personality comes alive (oh she is a wild one!). When Andrey is in the same area but not not very close, she can still play but is more inhibited. When Andrey is next to her, she either pretends to be asleep or buries her head in my chest or looks down and starts picking her fingernails. She did however, let Andrey kiss her on the head and rub her back today while I was holding her close with out protesting!
The challenging part is that this practically makes me a single parent. I am carrying or holding her or she is sitting on my lap 90% of the time. Add to that the fact that she refuses to nap during the day and every diaper change, clothes change, and bath time is met with strong resistance, makes for one tired mama with a sore back hanging on a thin thread of patience. Today I begged her in my mind to just sleep for 30 minutes. Just 30 minutes. An hour? Dreamy, but I'd take 30 minutes. And that was after I spent over an hour with her in the sling walking outside and then walking inside the house in circles while singing trying to settle her. She did fall asleep but when I laid her down she perked right up. Nuts! I really believe that the nap is God's grace to parents. I just feel like I need a short break. Just one in the day would do wonders for my attitude.
Tonight, shortly before her bedtime I took Michella into the bedroom to have some time in the rocking chair to get settled down. After I finally got her changed (I have to be creative!), she was climbing off the walls (i.e. me). A walk outside in the carrier helped for as long as we were walking outside. As soon as we got back to the room and it was just the two of us, she was ready for action! I felt so frustrated I just let her play in the room while I watched. I thought to myself, 'If I wasn't so tired right now I'd only be thinking about how cute she is when she's so playful'. I knew she was tired but there was nothing I could do! And then I thought, 'A ha!' I brought her out to the living room and we sat right next to Andrey. She rested her head on the shoulder of mine farthest from Andrey and was asleep within 5 minutes. I knew she was tired!
I realize now that she and I need a bit more time just the two of us so she can get our her energy during the day and we can continue to have special bonding times together when she doesn't feel hindered. In addition, we are going to try to do a few outings this week, like take her to a play zone at the mall where a parent is allowed in with the child. Or we may go swimming just the three of us. We may buy a small ride on toy for her to play on outside. With guests so far, even with other kids, Michella hasn't played or been willing to interact so we're not sure how play in a public place with go but we feel compelled to try to give her some more outlets to be active in the daytime. I'm just aware that it is possible that the only time she is willing to be active is when we are alone. That could be tough but we are going to give it a try this week before I declare that this is how it is. When it's nap time or bed time, I now know the key is to stay close to Andrey, as terrible as that sounds, it worked so well tonight!
Thank God her sleep at night has been better the past two nights. It wasn't going well at all for a while there but after some focused prayer time to deal with her apparent fear of going to sleep (I sense that as she's become more attached to me, she's become very afraid that I will leave her like other female caregivers have, perhaps she was handed over when she was asleep?). This has made all the difference! We did some healing prayer that we learned through our church community (based on teachings and a book by Frank and Catherine Fabiano, Healing your Past, Releasing your Future.) Since we prayed about the roots of her fear, she has been sleeping well at night. She does wake a bit unsettled a few times but I am always right beside her to speak the truth to her that we are not going to leave her and that she doesn't have to be afraid. We are no longer using the mattress on the floor, she is in our bed on my side. We feel that her felt secure and our building trust takes priority over getting her to sleep on her own for now. And it helps me sleep better as I don't have to keep moving down to the mattress to rocker her back to sleep or lay down with her on my chest till she falls asleep only to move back to the bed and then do it all over again (or at least that's how it was when she wasn't sleep well).
Sweet Andrey, he wants to help and give me a break during the day but he can't. Mind you he is doing just about everything else around here that needs to be done like defrosting the refrigerator, washing dishes, waiting on me hand and foot for anything that requires more than one hand, putting groceries away and getting a huge pile of paperwork completed for the US government side of the adoption - plus he had to do a bit of work work each day. (What am I gonna do when he goes back to work on Monday!??) He has spent numerous hours over the past week getting stuff together for our US government paperwork (Michella's visa and citizenship) and I am so thankful because I just feel overwhelmed when I think about it.
Lately I am feeling at a loss in terms of knowing what is the best thing for Michella in these days of transition. Go out? Stay in? Have guests over? Play dates? We are getting a bit tired of staying in the house and we really miss socializing with our friends. I have felt really home sick for family and our close friends in the West this past week. This is a big adjustment in so many ways. I just need wisdom on how to navigate it and to do what's best for Michella and our family - even if it's difficult or unpopular. But I'm clueless. I usually have a sense or instinct about what's right but I'm at a loss these days. I read a lot to prepare before we got Michella but working it out in practical ways is another story.
Well I know this post is a bit all over the place. Sorry about that. Just needed to process and vent a little. Thanks for reading. Good night.
p.s. I forgot to mention. I'm pretty sure we have lice. We, that's Michella and me. If so, it's a mild case but treatment starts tomorrow. How I will get this 2 year old to let me leave conditioner in her hair for 15 minutes and then carefully comb through it three times over the next 9 days is beyond me!
11 comments:
Parenting is so hard. And, while every parent has their own "so-hard" challenges, I think only parents who adopt can really empathize with what you and Andrey are going through. So, I have no advice, but me and C are ever praying for you three. And if anything is clear its that you and Andrey were divinely created for this child, and she for you. Things will get easier...
much love to you all.
What a great friend/brother in Christ Matt is to you both. His comments make me so thankful to know how bathed in prayer y'all are. And I so agree with Matt that God created your family. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!
I am thankful for Matt's comments - your path is your own, and none of us can truly say "we know how it is". Although we've all been exhausted as parents, we've all made soup with one hand, worn PJs all day...some of us have had babies and toddlers who needed almost no sleep (ahem..not naming names...).
However, *only* you three have lived in the unique confluence of your circumtances, your relationship, your home-away-from-home, your lice...
So your wise friend Matt says it all - no advice, no capacity to truly know how you feel, only love.
Wo Jen, I'm just in awe as I read your blog and hear of this immense journey you're on. You're doing so amazingly and I'm so proud of you!!!
Am praying for you all...feel like God is so covering you all right now. Yeah...like there aren't even 'rights' and 'wrongs'...but there's just love...and there's a lot of that around....your love for precious Michella, the love of your friends and family for you, and over it all, the love of your God focused straight at you and covering over every part of your day and night. He's with you my friend, and so are all of us!! Love you so much.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxx
I love you!!! I hope you feel the presence of all the prayers that are out there for you right now. I'm SO THANKFUL that interceding with prayer has helped Michella's sleeping issues (at night). I'd venture a guess that either (a) she's afraid to sleep in the daytime, too, and it takes less resistance in the day than it does at night to avoid sleep, or (b) you've got a veritable non sleeper. If (b), I'm really sorry. =)
I hope you don't mind if I break from the trend and offer some advice? At least I've been there, so it hopefully can be applicable!
First off, I feel so much empathy for you. It's tough being the only acceptable parent during the transition time: it's tough being rejected, but I've always felt it would be tougher to be the accepted one because it's SO demanding.
I think you need help. Can your helper come more often, or shoulder more of the work that Andrey is doing now? Can you hire a short term (or long term) helper whose duties include some childcare? If Michella fears men, maybe she would be more comfortable with another woman. If your family lived closer, they would be there helping as often as they could (and so would friends), but since we live far away, you need the same type of practical support they would offer. I'm not sure how much help like that costs in the P, but I'm guessing less than it does here, so maybe you can swing it? Or ask around for financial donations towards such help: I'd be happy to help pay for something like that in lieu of being able to come over myself.
You also need to get out. Parenting is about balance, and all family members' needs HAVE to be taken into consideration, even your own, or your family will cease to function in a healthy or sustaining way. Yes, it's hard for Michella to be apart from you even a few feet right now, but Jen, you need to survive. Take her out. Keep it minimal, but do it. Since she doesn't take well to other kids at the moment, choices like the pool are good, because she's just playing with you guys, but getting some exercise and being in a social environment without being challenged to interact with others.
Take her out or have friends over: choose friends with no children, or explain to the kids that she's not ready to play yet. Even if she's on your lap the whole time, you will get your essential social bank filled and she can feel relatively safe in your arms (and she can be a tiny bit challenged to see how she can get through it, and how you will remain responsive and close in a group setting).
Another thought I had was: you might be surprised by advances in her relationship/trust of Andrey if you are NOT present? That one might be better to wait a few weeks, since it's early in your transition, but if you go out for even 5 or 10 minutes, and return, it teaches her that you always come back. And if she has a need while you are gone, she just may turn to Andrey and start to trust him more. That's what happened with us: Brent had to go back to work, and I was home, so Matthew had to turn to me if he needed something. And he did. And he soon saw how Brent always came home. Matthew is particularly resilient though: you're the best judge of Michella's capability to handle separation.
(this is getting long so I'll publish it now and add more)
As far as napping is concerned, YES, naps are a Godsend for sanity. But I think it would help if you stop expecting or hoping for naps. Pace yourself for a whole day of awake Michella, and you will be less disappointed if she stays awake all day. Gear yourself up for no free breaks (also helped if you have domestic help that can perhaps play with her/hold her while you walk around the block for 10 minutes and just pray, so you DO have a break).
Get as much sleep as you can. Figure out the minimal essentials you need to stay sane: once a week outing or friends over to visit, plus a coffee in the morning, one shower per day and two 10 minute walks around the block. And work to get yourself those bare minimums, so you can give your maximum to Michella the rest of the time.
Michella will NOT die NOR develop an attachment disorder if you walk around the block for 10 minutes or have friends over to your house. It might be hard for her, but you will simultaneously teach her (a) that you always return, and that you'll always be there for her even when there are crowds around, and (b) she can do it. Sometimes children learn by being challenged, not too much, but just a bit, and encouraged at the same time.
You've got to do what you can to give yourself a break, so you will have more stamina.
And, I saved the best for last:
IT WILL GET BETTER!!! I promise, this is the hardest part. THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS! Balance will return. I promise, I promise. Jesus loves you. I love you. You're a wonderful momma, and I'm amazed at your stamina thus far. Hang in there!
This, too, shall pass. Someday sooner than you can ever imagine, she'll be bouncing off to kindergarten and you'll be remembering these difficult weeks and be SO AMAZED at the well adjusted, beautiful, fun, secure little girl you've raised.
God bless.
xo
p.s, just to clarify: the ten minute walks would be you, solo. Going out with friends or having them come to your house, would be with Michella in arms. Short separation for your sanity and a break, and longer outings to fill up your social needs even with Michella in arms, even though it makes her uncomfortable. As long as you don't do it every day, it should be a good balance that will fill both your needs.
Also: I'm a huge advocate of cosleeping. You don't have to justify that one to me (nor Dana!)!! If you can manage and it gets you more sleep, go for it. No one really likes sleeping alone, especially during scary transitions! You can teach her about her own bed later, later, later. There are lots of ways to gently transition kids to their own bed, later. When they're ready.
=)
p.p.s. Sorry about the terrible twos at the same time as adopting--it's so tough! Allow tons of time for every small thing (diaper changes, baths, getting dressed, etc), and tricks are the only way to survive!!! :)
Distraction works wonders. Riley resists diaper changes or pottying unless we suggest a book (usually one of his favorites). Getting in the van is more palatable with a snack in hand. Tickles make them weak so you can quickly put on a shirt. Suggest the activity, wait til they resist, and then distract with food, books, tickles, a favorite off limits object (ie cell phone), etc.
Hope that helps.
Oh dear Jen!! Your friend Melissa has some wonderful suggestions. If I could be there to give you a break I would be there. You say the word.....!! In the mean time I will be praying with your dear friends, brothers and sister in Christ, that when you are weak our precious Father in Heaven will be strong. Some day this WILL be a vague memory. Hold on till then. And by the way, you ARE a terrific mother. You waited a long time for this and God will not let you down. Michella IS a blessed little girl to have you as her Mama.
p.p.s. Does she like t.v.? One of my friends used t.v. to distract her daughter so she could feed her. You could do that for diaper changes, or getting dressed, or something?
Also, for 2 yr olds, choices are key. Not: do you want to get dressed, but: It's time to get dressed (insert freak out or opposition). Do you want to wear the yellow dress or the blue pants? (insert calming down and choosing here, feeling independent and voila, child is dressed!!)
While I can't relate to the adoption end of things, I can definitely offer my empathy with regard to carrying a child all day (though not a heavy 2 year old!!) and sleep issues thing. It can be torturous. Thankfully it also comes with some sweet moments and special bonding. You are doing so so awesome. Hang in there on the tough days. Sometimes you think you can't do it, and then you just do- God provides that strength.
And Andrey- wow- your incredible patience and support, and photographic trickery skills... you are a terrific Dad and hubby.
Brutal about the lice. I hope you can conquer them without too much trouble. I remember reading something online about tea tree oil being effective somehow, and maybe coconut oil?
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