Two Weeks Home

It's been two weeks since we've been home with Michella. It's amazing to look back at where we started and compare it to where we are now. Today was the first time I thought to myself, "I love being a mom." I was making champorado for Michella's afternoon snack and she was sitting on the counter next to me making funny faces and cracking me up. I just felt joy in making her a special treat I knew she'd love. I got more kisses today and my first high-five. 

Contrast this to Andrey's experience. Man, it is slow-going. I feel for him that she is a completely different person when he is around. Sometimes it's as stark as her suddenly making funny faces to me as soon as her back is to him. Turn her right around and she gives him the stink-eye. So not fair. We are choosing to focus on the tiny bits of progress in this area, however. In her better moments, he can get quite close to her and she reacts less negatively. He's been persistent in kissing her head or cheek when I am holding her. She is tolerating this now. I've even left her with him a few times for about a minute or two and there has been less crying but still head down and no willing interaction whatsoever. He still hasn't yet had the joy of holding her. This makes me ache for him. How long, I wonder!?

She has continued to become more vocal, even with Andrey in the same room. And I think she likes music and possibly singing as she's been doing a bit of that lately and moves to the rhythm of music that is playing sometimes. It's extremely cute. 

It's way too early to tell but sleep has improved in the past day and a half (thank you Jesus!). Two nights ago I hit a major low point when she had me up till 5 in the morning after the three or more nights previous were very restless and short as well. I was at the end of my rope because the only thing that kept her from having a tantrum was me holding her while I was standing. I'd get her to sleep and gingerly extract her, only for her to sleep lightly or wake appearing anxious or scared and every time she woke and found that I was no longer holding her, she lashed out in anger until I would pick her up. If I stayed lying down and pulled her to rest on top of me, it was no good. If I stayed in bed holding her while leaning on pillows, it was no good. If I sat up and physically supported her body it was okay but as soon as I put a pillow under her so my arms could rest, she'd lash out. All I could do was get up and hold her. 

On the fourth night of this I did all I could. I held her till my arms and back were exhausted and when she still wouldn't let me put her down to sleep I lost it. I started crying and praying, "Help me Lord. Help me Lord. Help me Lord!" My whimper turned into an all out sob from shear exhaustion. It woke Andrey up and he supported me and prayed for me. It was clear that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. We decided that I would find a position I could stay in and let her figure it out. She protested, kicking and crying and eventually screaming. I just held onto her (I had to because she would literally throw herself off the bed if I didn't) and told her, "Mommy's here. Daddy's here. We're not going to leave you. We will be with you all night. I know that you are mad but you need to sleep. It's okay if you are angry. It's okay if you are sad. It's okay if you cry. We love you." I just kept repeating this and found strength from Andrey who stayed awake with me and stayed next to me till she eventually gave up and fell asleep. 

Although it was really, really hard, I think letting her get those feelings out was very helpful. I really believe that the latest sleep issues are indicative of her grief and setting that boundary helped her to face her feelings and express them. Since then, I have done the same thing last night, during nap time today and bed time tonight and each time, she slept great! She napped for two hours today without being on me for the first time in a week. Wahoo! No obvious anxiety or disturbing dreams. And each time, she cries and fights me for less and less time. She was much happier all day today. 

Michella still has this cold and slight cough but at least there is no more fever. It was pretty high for a couple of days last week but is gone now.  I'll be so glad when this running nose gets better! We call it the snot river. We took her for a check up the other day and we both really like our pediatrician.

Well that's enough update for tonight. Here are photos from the past two days. 

My temporary solution to the teeth-brushing issue. Let her do it herself. She's not half-bad actually and is clearly quite proud of herself! The other day I let her brush my teeth then I said, "mommy's turn" and she let me brush her for about 3 seconds before cutting me off. This was progress. We pick our battles and this is definitely one to tackle later.

I really like these diaper covers. Thirsties. I'm getting better at diaper changes. As others have advised me - distraction is key and it usually works. I've just had to get better about doing it while she is in the middle of playing with something. Oh the new skills I am developing!

We went swimming today for the first time today and Michella LOVED it! We were so pleased. She is doing some kicking here. Andrey got some great video as well.

I started getting her to jump to mommy from our kitchen counter or our bedroom dresser a few times, which she loves, so of course it works in the pool, too.

Andrey demonstrated how to blow bubbles in the water and she just went for it and had fun.

Beautiful girl

She is becoming more comfortable with the camera and has started posing without any prompting from me. Here she is enjoying her favorite snack - whole wheat crackers plus a little something I introduced to her: Nutella. This girl loves chocolate. She is such a ham!

I love this picture. She is so cute I could just eat her up! Check out her half mustache.