To end the Christmas Season...

Christmas Week 2011

What a full week!

December 21st
We had our church congregation's annual Christmas party. It was wild, with gifts and lunch for 800+ people, mostly including people we know from the five mini-congregations we have in various parts of the city.

December 22nd
Ella made Christmas cookies with Tessi at Hanna's house. I didn't get any shots of the cookie decorating but I did get this shot of Ella in Tessi's old puppy dog costume. Ella loved it so much she wouldn't take it off. Never mind the sweaty head. As for the cookie making with a 2 and 3 year old? Easier said than done. Hanna and I were determined though and completed the project, but not without a few chaotic moments.

That same day Hanna and I took the girls to a play area at the mall. On our way back we found ourselves in traffic with a cowboy! This Pinoy cowboy was for real. The horse was huge and his rider had him galloping when traffic sped up and trotting when traffic slowed, right along with the rest of the cars. We rolled down the windows and hollered. The girls loved it.

In the evening we hosted some expats for wine, cheese and Christmas cookies.

December 23rd.

We went to our church team's Christmas party. It was a blast. I love how every Christmas party in the Philippines has to include games and presentations. I have yet to go to a boring Christmas party here. Here are some of the guys doing a hip hop dance and having a ton of fun.

 

Since Andrey had the day off, Hanna offered to take Ella for a few hours so Andrey and I could have a date. It was our FIRST DATE since we got Ella nearly 15 months ago. We went to a fancy hotel nearby to a rooftop bar and had a few drinks during dusk. It was SO VERY NICE. Oh my gosh, we really miss being out together. I can't believe our 10th anniversary is coming up next summer. We've decided to celebrate it all year. After all, we are in our 10th year as husband and wife and this is our 10th Christmas together. This feels very significant to us. It's been fun reminiscing what we were doing 10 years ago. In December 2001, Andrey traveled to Florida to meet my family for the first time. We were engaged a month later.

Christmas Eve

We had a party at our house late in the evening and lasted through the fireworks at midnight. Ella and Tessi exchanged gifts and they each got a new book.

So thankful for great friends!















We thought we'd let the girls stay up late but by 9:30 Ella was asking for bedtime. I put her to bed and then the fireworks woke her up again at midnight so she got up for a while. After the party I cleaned up and Andrey put Ella to sleep. Again! This time with me in the house. Unheard of.

Christmas Day

We slept in and then had a yummy breakfast of pancakes and bacon.

 

We didn't have time to open gifts...

...because we went for a very fun, celebratory Christmas morning worship service. There were testimonies of the Lord's provision and blessings. Everyone was dancing by the end. Despite how tired we were, it was so much fun.

We went back home for lunch, put Ella down for a nap then Andrey and I ate lunch in bed in the air conditioned comfort of our bedroom and watched a few episodes of Flight of the Concords on my laptop. Then had a nap. So relaxing.

Once Ella was up it was time to open presents. We announced, "Okay Ella, it's time to open our gifts!" and we meant, okay, let's get things ready so we can open our gifts but she didn't quite get that and went directly to the tree, grabbed a present and ripped it open before we could realize what was going on.

Thanks Mimi and Pap for the Leapfrop laptop!

Ella got several books and some fabric ice cream cones for her kitchen.

It didn't take long for Ella to get the hang of her new big girl bike. The same bike that was supposed to be a surprise but on Christmas Eve mommy dropped the ball. I let her out of my sight for a few seconds while daddy was fixing it in the back. I ran after her but it was too late. Oh well. She was happy to finally get to ride it on Christmas day.

I gathered up the energy to make an apple pie (a must for Christmas day in my family) for our simple, family Christmas dinner of leftovers.

December 26th

We skyped with both sets of parents while it was still Christmas day for them.

I love this group shot with my mom and dad. It's almost like they were here... but not quite.

We stayed home all day (Andrey is taking the whole week off, yay!!). Our good friend Charlotte joined us for dinner and happened to be around during our family pre-bed book reading time with Ella and got these shots for us.

We're off to the beach for two nights tomorrow with some friends. We are so thankful for the community we have here in the Philippines.

Hope you all are having a restful post-Christmas week!

Today's Snapshot

I'm thankful for the simplicity and fullness of today.

We were in sync.

We played. We shared laughs and food. I read to her. She chatted. She gave me spontaneous kisses. She napped. I carried her around the house. We grocery shopped. 

We made cookies.

She created Play-Doh turtles and towers while I cooked dinner.
(And hammed it up as soon as I pulled out the camera.)

The highlight was hearing her sweet three-year-old voice sing the well known line in the song "Angels We Have Heard on High," Glorrrr-o-o-o-o-ohhhh-o-o-o-o-oooo-o-o-o-o-orrrr-ria over and over and over again  as she continually requested the song to be played. We sang it during breakfast, we sang it in the car, we sang it as she danced around in the shower before bedtime. Such a sweet voice, such simple joy. These are the moments I will ache for when she's older.

Today was a good mommyhood day.

Ella & Tessi

Photo by Hanna

My friend Hanna and I are into our third week of toddler-sitting trade-offs and it is going so fantastically well. Ella and Tessi have become good buddies. It is so difficult to get Ella to leave Tessi's house when it's time to go. They have such a great time together. It's so cute when they each have a doll in the baby stroller with a purse on their shoulder and declare, "Bye! We're going to the mall!" Tessi's mom and I are loving the few hours a week of freedom we are getting because of it. It's a win-win-win-win!

Family

We noticed many months ago that our daughter is really good at remembering the names of people she meets and their family members. For instance, whenever we talk about Ella's good friend Tessi, she will usually ask about Tessi's brother, mommy and daddy, all by name. At night we pray for our god-daughter in the US. When we pray for her Ella always interrupts and lists the names of the rest of the family members, all five of them. She met them for the first time in April. If we talk about her cousin in Canada she will always say, Uncle Mike, Auntie Lisa! Or my brother in Florida. Uncle Luke, Aunt Tonya, Hattie. I could go on.

It wasn't until recently, when she started often listing the names in our family, Mommy... Daddy... Ella! that it occurred to me what this means.

This shows me that she is beginning to understand the concept of family.  In my adoption reading during our wait for a child, I learned that many adopted children do not understand what family is and that it has to be learned, or re-learned.  I had never considered this before but it made sense to me. Ella only had female caregivers during her first two years of life.  It is only reasonable that she clung to me right away but for many months wondered why this big white guy kept hanging around. She had no concept of a male caregiver, much less a father.

I now think she gets it. She knows that I am her mommy, Andrey is her daddy and that we belong together and will stay together. Attachment is a process and I'm not sure we can yet say "we've arrived" but this is a pretty significant development in the process. I am so pleased and so thankful.

Lately she's been interested in the baby carrier again after many months of not needing it or using it. Last week she asked to be in it with me after she woke up from a nap. I was surprised when she wanted to stay in it for nearly 30 minutes with her head on my chest like a baby. Even our relationship is still in process.

I am just amazed when I think of how far Ella and Andrey have come in their relationship in 14 months. A few nights ago she asked to go in the baby carrier with daddy for a nighttime walk. I can't recall her ever being carried by daddy in it on the front. She only went in it a few times on his back during hikes last Spring in the US and her going in there wasn't by her request but because mommy was really tired of carrying her. This was different. This was voluntary, requested, cuddly-closeness with her daddy.

As much as Ella needed a family, we needed her. We longed and ached for a child for most of our eight years of marriage prior to her joining our family. And for the record, she is not the lucky one. We are.

Ella's daddy has been patiently waiting for his daughter's love and affection for a long time. He hasn't pushed it, even when he could have, even when I thought he should, he didn't. He waited and let her initiate each gradual level of connection. And oh it has been so very gradual but would you just look at them now!

No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known. 

John 1:18

Light

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.

John 1:9

Getting Out (without Ella) - Progress!

I left Ella at her friend's house yesterday for just short of 2 hours and she did great! I went to a coffee shop and got a good bit of work done on our family budget. My pile of receipts was getting out of hand. She waved bye to me when I left and didn't seem to care when I returned. She was having a blast and didn't want to leave so I stuck around and chatted with my friend over coffee while Ella and her buddy took a nap together. I almost couldn't believe it. It wasn't painful for either of us. Score!

And last week I was out in the evening and asked Andrey to take care of Ella. I knew I probably wouldn't get back till at least 8:30 or 9, which is past Ella's bedtime. I decided I'd go anyway knowing that it would probably mean Ella would still be awake when I got home, but I encouraged Andrey to at least try. And you know what? She didn't get upset or cry for me at all! She just asked about me and Andrey kept telling her what she knew already, that mom was out on outreach (she knows what that means since she usually comes with me and I think that helped to have a picture in her mind of where I was) and would be back soon. Andrey told her that it's okay, she can wait for mommy if she wants but they will wait together in her bedroom. He gave her an option of the rocking chair or the bed. She said "rocking chair mommy." Andrey explained again that mommy's not here to rock her but if she wants to lay in the bed he'll sit next to her and they can wait for mommy together. After a while of tossing and turning, she fell asleep and didn't wake again till morning!

So it's been a great week! I am so pleased with the progress we are making. My friend and I have decided to take care of each others' girls for a couple of hours once a week. I could get used to this! :-)

A New Level

She even drew a crowd of Korean tourists the other day pulling stunts like these. You'd think she was a pinoy tourist attraction the way they were smiling, oohing and aahing at her. 

Today's snapshot

There is something very satisfying about home made granola cooling on the kitchen table.

Ella peaks into the Advent calendar Grandma made.

 Somebody's stocking just got a few new things.

I type this left-handed as Ella pulls my right arm saying, "C'mon Mommy!"

I told her we'd make cookies today.

Thanksgiving 2011

I know this post is super late but wanted to document this important holiday...

We had a really nice time. We hosted about 15 people on the Saturday after American Thanksgiving, including three families mainly related to my husband's work. I got off relatively easy this year since I was offered so much help. I only ended up making the turkey, gravy, green beans with toasted almonds and dried cranberries, cream cheese corn, whole wheat butterhorns (pictured below), pumpkin pie (made with our local squash) and whipped cream. I decided to opt out of making stuffing this year and I didn't miss it.

Thanks to my dear friend Lonna, who made these for our very first Thanksgiving in Thailand, whole wheat butterhorns are now a Thanksgiving staple. They are so delicious. I make tons so I can throw the extras in the freezer and we can eat them for weeks after. I just ate the last one tonight.

If there was ever a time when I felt compelled to pray over my oven and my turkey it was this Thanksgiving. I seriously thought I was going to have my first Turkey Day disaster.  My oven is small so the only way my turkey roasting pan would fit was by putting it in length-wise. When I tested it without the turkey it seemed to fit just enough to where I could close the door. But when the turkey was all ready to go and I went to put it in, the door only nearly closed and must have been open by a few millimeters. It was just enough to let hot air escape.  Well, gauging by the fact that with a gas oven it is really hard to keep the heat up when you open the door, I was worried. Visions of my guests vomiting violently from food poisoning the day after they ate turkey at my house cooked in a leaky oven plagued me. So this is what I did.

I closed the oven and let it get as hot as it would get - about 450 degrees F. This took way too long and I was beginning to stress about my turkey getting done on time. Once it was as hot as possible, I quickly opened the door, threw the turkey in (with the thickest part toward the back of the oven), placed the oven thermometer on top of the turkey near the door, closed the door as far as it would go,  stuck foil in all the cracks surrounding the door, then anxiously ordered everyone in my house to stay away from the oven and don't you dare open it!





















Then I sat on a stool staring at the oven thermometer drop and keep dropping down to 325 degrees. Thank God it stabilized at 325. But it was still low enough to make me stress, since the turkey is supposed to cook at 350 degrees. But I hoped that if it was 325 in the front of the oven then the back of the oven should be hotter than that. That was the time I was compelled to pray over my turkey. Oh Lord, I know this is so silly and so not important in the big scheme of things and I feel so silly even asking this but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let my oven stay hot enough and let my turkey cook well and not make anyone sick, oh and it would be really great if it was cooked on time for dinner!


Everything worked out in the end. My turkey was perfectly cooked and it was on time! (It actually took less time than I thought, which meant my oven got hot enough and stayed hot.) It was my Turkey Day miracle.

Sadly, I didn't get any decent photos of the actual gathering after the food was done but thanks to my friend Hannah, I have a few to share.

Slicing up the bird

 

Apparently it's not a good idea to shake hot gravy and flour in a closed container, as you can tell by the mess on my top.

In addition to what I made, friends brought glazed carrots, a salad, wine, beer and sparkling cider, apple pie, ice cream, and the most amazing potato dish I ever had called potato passion. Oh man it was delish. It was just the right amount of food.

I had fun making place cards for our guests, although you can't really see them in this photo.

Getting Out (without Ella) - Is it time?

Since Ella’s become more verbal (she’s using lots of 4 and 5 word sentences now), we are getting more insight into what she’s thinking and feeling. We’ve noticed a theme when we read books together. It appears that Ella’s main concern when reading books is the presence of the mommy. “Uh oh. Where mommy go?”

We have one book that has father bear putting little bear to sleep. This one is very difficult for Ella. She expresses concern for the little bear going to bed without mommy. It seems very concerning and stressful for her. In many other books that involve animals she always asks where their mommy is? She seems to wonder why they are alone with no sign of a mommy.

This helps me to see what it’s like for Ella to be without me. I think as far as she’s concerned, as long as mommy is near, all is okay. She’s fine now to stay with Daddy when I go out for a few hours without her like I’ve started doing sometimes on the weekend. This is now easy for her and she happily says bye to me when I go. But I can’t leave her with Daddy during naptime or bedtime. She just won’t sleep and will incessantly ask for Mommy.

I have been the one to put her down to sleep and have stayed with her till she’s asleep every single night for 14 months, with the exception of one night last Spring in DC when I really wanted to attend something that only happens once a year. Ella screamed and cried and clawed the bed with her daddy in the room at bedtime until she fell asleep 45 minutes later out of sheer exhaustion. I was surprised he didn’t come get me. I’ve been there every night because I’ve been able to do that. It’s a luxury we’ve had so we’ve taken advantage of it. It would not have been that way if I had to work or if Ella had siblings. It’s been hard at times but it’s something I’m willing to do as long as I’m able and as long as it’s still working for me (at times I question if it is).

Another time I went out in the evening after Ella was asleep to meet some friends. It was the first time I had done that. Ella woke up and was just too upset and anxious to sleep. She cried and cried and asked to wait by the gate to "watch (for) Mommy." They waited for me for a while and then eventually when it was clear she wasn't going to calm down Andrey called me and said they were coming to pick me up.

I have only just recently started experimenting with leaving Ella with someone other than her daddy. I’ve only done this a handful of times, usually leaving her in a play area at the mall with a friend that she’s very familiar with while I shop elsewhere in the mall. There is definitely some separation anxiety involved but each time she has calmed within minutes. I’m not sure who found that more stressful – her or me. And just yesterday I left her in a play area with the same gal for an hour and she didn't even cry or protest at all.

Now here’s the deal. I haven’t actually left her in the house and haven’t left her for more than an hour with anyone beside her dad. I would really like to be able to get to a point where I can leave her with someone for a few hours at home here and there. My approach up to this point has been to wait for her to initiate readiness for new things instead of me pushing her into something before she’s ready for but with this, I feel like if I wait until she’s happy to be left with someone I’ll be waiting until she’s a teenager. Okay maybe that’s a bit long, but at I’d be waiting at least several more years. Or at least it feels like that right now.

Andrey and I haven’t been on a date out of the house in over 14 months. I’m beginning to think that if that is ever going to happen we are going to have to challenge Ella. I wonder if I can realistically spare her from ever feeling insecure. I am beginning to think that allowing her to face those feelings and experience mommy and daddy always coming back will help her to process her insecurity and recognize that while it may be uncomfortable, her worst fears do not materialize just be being without us for short periods of time. What do you think? Am I on the right track here? I would love your input.

For a while we’ve felt like she’s not ready to be left without us but I think it’s actually been we who haven’t been ready. We haven’t been okay with allowing her to feel scared and insecure because of something we’ve chosen to do. That’s new for us. I just don’t know if we can spare her every negative scary feeling ever. I realize that’s what we’ve tried to do and it was good, especially in the early stages of our bonding and attachment but it isn’t realistic and it isn’t actually our role as parents. Aside from doing what we can to prevent her from re-experiencing the trauma of being left with someone she doesn’t know, it is impossible to prevent her from ever feeling scared or insecure. It is our job to validate her feelings and let her know that no matter how she feels; we are still here and will take care of her.

So I think it’s time to push this a little. Before we leave her in the evening after she’s asleep, I will leave her in the day for short periods of time with someone she knows and we trust.

I have a new friend here. She and her family just moved to Cebu and they have a 2 year old and a baby. Their two-year-old daughter and Ella are becoming good buddies. They like playing together. Her mom and I have decided to do some childcare trades with the two girls. I think this will be a good place to start. Tessi’s mom will leave her at our place for a few hours and then we’ll do that same at their house. This same mommy friend of mine has offered to come over in the evening so Andrey and I can have a date. We’ll do the same for them sometime too. I’m excited to try this!

For now we are going to leave the nap and bedtimes to me knowing that over time, gradually and eventually, Ella will become more open to daddy doing more at bedtime. Since we have continued to see gradual progress in this area we’re not sure we want to push it yet. One thing at a time.

I try to keep in mind that we are only 14 months into our attachment process. That's party why raising an adopted child can be complicated because your child may be physically developed as a 3-year-old but at a very different developmental stage in other areas. It helps me to see her as a 14 month old at times, like when I feel I need to err on the side of sensitivity and nurturing and am struggling to do so. We also have to take into account our needs and our own well-being as parents. And this mommy needs a break from her girl sometimes. I’m sure doing so will make me a better mommy. It’s good to miss each other sometimes and I'm starting to have opportunities to volunteer again using my midwifery experience and I'm super excited about that. I'm itching to get out there, if even for a few hours each week. Oh Lord how I need this.