What a difference a year makes

We just got back from a three-week trip to the US and Canada.  At the end of our trip we got to spend a week with Andrey's family.  Ella and her cousin Annika got along so well and had so much fun that it was difficult to get them to do anything else but play together.  (Suddenly we were having numerous urinary accidents because of how much fun Ella was having. She didn't want to miss any of it!) They held hands in the car.  And for the first time, I saw Ella spontaneously give a hug to a friend.  A few times, she walked over to Annika and gave her a huge hug.  So sweet.

At the end when we were saying good bye, both Andrey and I hugged Annika.  With each hug, Ella mildly protested and said, "Ella's Mommy!" and "Ella's Daddy!" She wasn't upset, she just declared the truth to make sure Annika understood.

It made me so happy to see this.  To me, this was an example of her secure attachment to us. She was claiming us as hers. And she did so confidently.

I compare this to where we were at a year ago.  Same Spring trip.  In DC at a friend's house who had a 2 week old baby.  I held the baby and Ella pitched herself onto the floor crying.  She was so upset that I quickly passed the baby back to his momma so I could hold and console my daughter, assuring her that she was my daughter, I was her momma and always would be.

That is the difference between insecure attachment and secure attachment.

We are a year and seven months in to parenting our Michella, who is thriving.  She is a gem and we love her to pieces.

Now check out this adorable video of Ella and Annika having snacks behind the couch at Grandma and Grandpa's house last week.  Cheers!

Family

We noticed many months ago that our daughter is really good at remembering the names of people she meets and their family members. For instance, whenever we talk about Ella's good friend Tessi, she will usually ask about Tessi's brother, mommy and daddy, all by name. At night we pray for our god-daughter in the US. When we pray for her Ella always interrupts and lists the names of the rest of the family members, all five of them. She met them for the first time in April. If we talk about her cousin in Canada she will always say, Uncle Mike, Auntie Lisa! Or my brother in Florida. Uncle Luke, Aunt Tonya, Hattie. I could go on.

It wasn't until recently, when she started often listing the names in our family, Mommy... Daddy... Ella! that it occurred to me what this means.

This shows me that she is beginning to understand the concept of family.  In my adoption reading during our wait for a child, I learned that many adopted children do not understand what family is and that it has to be learned, or re-learned.  I had never considered this before but it made sense to me. Ella only had female caregivers during her first two years of life.  It is only reasonable that she clung to me right away but for many months wondered why this big white guy kept hanging around. She had no concept of a male caregiver, much less a father.

I now think she gets it. She knows that I am her mommy, Andrey is her daddy and that we belong together and will stay together. Attachment is a process and I'm not sure we can yet say "we've arrived" but this is a pretty significant development in the process. I am so pleased and so thankful.

Lately she's been interested in the baby carrier again after many months of not needing it or using it. Last week she asked to be in it with me after she woke up from a nap. I was surprised when she wanted to stay in it for nearly 30 minutes with her head on my chest like a baby. Even our relationship is still in process.

I am just amazed when I think of how far Ella and Andrey have come in their relationship in 14 months. A few nights ago she asked to go in the baby carrier with daddy for a nighttime walk. I can't recall her ever being carried by daddy in it on the front. She only went in it a few times on his back during hikes last Spring in the US and her going in there wasn't by her request but because mommy was really tired of carrying her. This was different. This was voluntary, requested, cuddly-closeness with her daddy.

As much as Ella needed a family, we needed her. We longed and ached for a child for most of our eight years of marriage prior to her joining our family. And for the record, she is not the lucky one. We are.

Ella's daddy has been patiently waiting for his daughter's love and affection for a long time. He hasn't pushed it, even when he could have, even when I thought he should, he didn't. He waited and let her initiate each gradual level of connection. And oh it has been so very gradual but would you just look at them now!