Thursday, May 21, 2009
AI surprise ruined
I am SOOOO angry right now! Seriously shaking angry. I know I am overreacting but a friend from Andrey's office just texted me to tell me who won American Idol. I don't care who it was it's just that we are hosting a AI Finale watching party tonight and I wanted to BE SURPRISED!! She should know b/c she is also coming! Takes all the fun right out of it. I want to cry.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sleep
What? I haven't posted in 9 days? Time is racing by lately. I was seriously surprised to see that May 5 was the last time I posted. Busy. BU-SY right now. May is a busy month because I am working ~40 hours a week at the clinic plus I am finishing one of my last major midwifery modules - all the about the newborn, which has 4 very long assignments. The two I just finished totaled 56 pages with 10-point type. Yesterday I took two of the four tests in this module and it felt great to be done with those. So today, I'm allowing myself to get caught up on a few things - like grocery shopping and blogging. I also met a friend for coffee this morning, which was nice.
Starting tonight I'll be working every other day until a week from Saturday - alternating 12 hrs on with 24 to 36 hrs off. This happens to be a very common schedule for most of the Glory Reborn staff and frankly I don't know how they sustain it for years and years. Granted, they're not working on a degree at the same time, but I think I would be nearly just as tired with or without the studies. It's just hard having inconsistent sleep patterns. It just feels harder on the body. In my lowest tired moments I wonder if midwifery is really worth it, I long to feel rested so bad but then I realize that this is probably quite similar to how parents of young children feel all the time too. So it's not like giving up on midwifery will make it all better, which I don't plan on doing anyway.
I have always been a good sleeper. Always. Until I started working night shifts two years ago. The frustrating thing is the fact that the pressure of really needing a good sleep when I have the opportunity to sleep makes me unable to SLEEP! How stupid is that? I seriously work myself up so much that I lie there feeling angry about still being awake. It's madness!
Andrey tells me I just need to not care about not getting sleep, that way I'll be able to sleep. Believe me, if it were that easy I wouldn't be struggling with this to begin with. Make myself not care? Fine. Maybe, if it were every once in a while. And I told him he is sweet for trying to help but I simply don't agree. Yes, I (now) agree a night with poor or little sleep isn't that bad (I used to be WAY worse!) but I'm talking about the importance of a night of sleep after a previous sleepless, work-filled, tiring night. Or a night of sleep after a previous night with only 3 hours of sleep. Humans need sleep. God created sleep. I am not crazy to feel like I REALLY just need to sleep sometimes. When I don't get sleep I don't make much progress on assignments! I sit there at the computer, spacing out, taking way too many breaks to pee or eat or check email... again... and then get sucked in to facebook (I know it's nobody else's fault but mine) for 20 minutes and then I check a blog and then another and then suddenly hours have gone by and oh shit, I still haven't gotten any assignment done! And then it's time to make dinnner. I could try to push through with lots of coffee. I'd probably get more done that way but then that is a recipe for an inability to go to sleep later.
I haven't exercised in weeks which I know would probably help me sleep better. I've tried herbs - skullcap, passionflower, sleepytime tea. These help sometimes. I've taken magnesium maleate, which helps sometimes. What really works are anti-anxiety sleeping pills but they are habit forming so I save those for only my most desperate times. I've also started a bed-time routine to help get me relaxed for sleep. I dim the lights, put on soft music, no computer or TV is allowed, do some reading, journaling or praying. That helps sometimes too. Maybe I do just have to find a way not to care about sleep. If so, how the heck do you do that???
I'm surprised Andrey suggested this. Ever since we've been married he has remarked at my silly habit at counting hours of sleep. He calls me the sleep-counter. This is how it goes...
Ok, let's see. What time is it? It's only 10. I have to get up at 7, so that's at least 8, almost 9 hours. Great! It's going to be a good day tomorrow. (My body's favorite number is 9)
-OR-
Oh crap it's late. And I have to get up 5. Five hours? Oh tomorrow is going to be awful.
And that was back when I got to sleep every night. No night shifts. No midwifery training.
Now it's even worse. I say to myself... I got 3 hrs last night and I'm exhausted. Damn I'd better get at LEAST 8 hours tonight! Oh no but it's already midnight and I've been lying here for more than two hours! I'm screwed! My hours are chewed down to almost 6! Oh God no! Help me, please! Why can't I sleep?! This is so ridiculou! I'm so tired! And this is when I either feel like punching the wall or crying.
So this whole thing isn't about the sleep lost when I'm working. It's about sleep lost when I theoretically can and should be sleeping. That is the frustrating part. I know it is all in my mind but that is a very tough battlefield. It also has to do with anxiety and the stress hormones that are released when I am lying there analyzing my day. I sometimes lie there and run through scenarios of things I said to people and realize things I didn't notice before or realize a mistake I made a work or that I forgot to do something and maybe so-and-so is mad about me or because I said the wrong thing...all the while I feel this surge of adrenaline going through my body. I'm going to have to get a handle on this because stress is very damaging to the body (knowing that doesn't help). At least I am eating well. I still make the time to prepare dinner almost every night and we eat pretty well when I do.
I also realize that this temporary. Once I finish this module things will slow down a little bit - not much, but a little. And hopefully we'll get more staff at the clinic (we're currenly short-handed and that's why i'm working a little more than usual) soon so I won't have to work quite so often. I just feel this is a common life challenge that I need to learn to overcome.
Starting tonight I'll be working every other day until a week from Saturday - alternating 12 hrs on with 24 to 36 hrs off. This happens to be a very common schedule for most of the Glory Reborn staff and frankly I don't know how they sustain it for years and years. Granted, they're not working on a degree at the same time, but I think I would be nearly just as tired with or without the studies. It's just hard having inconsistent sleep patterns. It just feels harder on the body. In my lowest tired moments I wonder if midwifery is really worth it, I long to feel rested so bad but then I realize that this is probably quite similar to how parents of young children feel all the time too. So it's not like giving up on midwifery will make it all better, which I don't plan on doing anyway.
I have always been a good sleeper. Always. Until I started working night shifts two years ago. The frustrating thing is the fact that the pressure of really needing a good sleep when I have the opportunity to sleep makes me unable to SLEEP! How stupid is that? I seriously work myself up so much that I lie there feeling angry about still being awake. It's madness!
Andrey tells me I just need to not care about not getting sleep, that way I'll be able to sleep. Believe me, if it were that easy I wouldn't be struggling with this to begin with. Make myself not care? Fine. Maybe, if it were every once in a while. And I told him he is sweet for trying to help but I simply don't agree. Yes, I (now) agree a night with poor or little sleep isn't that bad (I used to be WAY worse!) but I'm talking about the importance of a night of sleep after a previous sleepless, work-filled, tiring night. Or a night of sleep after a previous night with only 3 hours of sleep. Humans need sleep. God created sleep. I am not crazy to feel like I REALLY just need to sleep sometimes. When I don't get sleep I don't make much progress on assignments! I sit there at the computer, spacing out, taking way too many breaks to pee or eat or check email... again... and then get sucked in to facebook (I know it's nobody else's fault but mine) for 20 minutes and then I check a blog and then another and then suddenly hours have gone by and oh shit, I still haven't gotten any assignment done! And then it's time to make dinnner. I could try to push through with lots of coffee. I'd probably get more done that way but then that is a recipe for an inability to go to sleep later.
I haven't exercised in weeks which I know would probably help me sleep better. I've tried herbs - skullcap, passionflower, sleepytime tea. These help sometimes. I've taken magnesium maleate, which helps sometimes. What really works are anti-anxiety sleeping pills but they are habit forming so I save those for only my most desperate times. I've also started a bed-time routine to help get me relaxed for sleep. I dim the lights, put on soft music, no computer or TV is allowed, do some reading, journaling or praying. That helps sometimes too. Maybe I do just have to find a way not to care about sleep. If so, how the heck do you do that???
I'm surprised Andrey suggested this. Ever since we've been married he has remarked at my silly habit at counting hours of sleep. He calls me the sleep-counter. This is how it goes...
Ok, let's see. What time is it? It's only 10. I have to get up at 7, so that's at least 8, almost 9 hours. Great! It's going to be a good day tomorrow. (My body's favorite number is 9)
-OR-
Oh crap it's late. And I have to get up 5. Five hours? Oh tomorrow is going to be awful.
And that was back when I got to sleep every night. No night shifts. No midwifery training.
Now it's even worse. I say to myself... I got 3 hrs last night and I'm exhausted. Damn I'd better get at LEAST 8 hours tonight! Oh no but it's already midnight and I've been lying here for more than two hours! I'm screwed! My hours are chewed down to almost 6! Oh God no! Help me, please! Why can't I sleep?! This is so ridiculou! I'm so tired! And this is when I either feel like punching the wall or crying.
So this whole thing isn't about the sleep lost when I'm working. It's about sleep lost when I theoretically can and should be sleeping. That is the frustrating part. I know it is all in my mind but that is a very tough battlefield. It also has to do with anxiety and the stress hormones that are released when I am lying there analyzing my day. I sometimes lie there and run through scenarios of things I said to people and realize things I didn't notice before or realize a mistake I made a work or that I forgot to do something and maybe so-and-so is mad about me or because I said the wrong thing...all the while I feel this surge of adrenaline going through my body. I'm going to have to get a handle on this because stress is very damaging to the body (knowing that doesn't help). At least I am eating well. I still make the time to prepare dinner almost every night and we eat pretty well when I do.
I also realize that this temporary. Once I finish this module things will slow down a little bit - not much, but a little. And hopefully we'll get more staff at the clinic (we're currenly short-handed and that's why i'm working a little more than usual) soon so I won't have to work quite so often. I just feel this is a common life challenge that I need to learn to overcome.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
burdens, blessings and something about love
My blogging has been spotty. I feel compelled to write something so I'm just going to start and see what comes out. I think sometimes I don't blog because I feel I don't have anything "good enough" to share. It's as if it needs to be a polished thought or an impressive post. I wish this wasn't so because sometimes I just need to write. I do reserve my journal for times like that as it is a place I can write more freely but I'd like to get better at doing a bit more of that here. One reason for that is that my favorite blogs are the ones that are real, raw and unpolished. They're just about life. And life, in its truest sense, is that. Raw. Real. Unpolished. Ugly, even. And, as this post turned out, corny. So at the risk of not sounding as cool and smart as I wish I was, I will ramble a bit about what has been occupying my time and thoughts these days and not waste time trying to make it sound good...
Lately I've been burdened. Burdened in one of the few positive ways one can be burdened. Burdened and compelled to pray, and compelled to treasure the numerous, abundant blessings in my life.
I am burdened by the sufferings of friends I know, of people I don't know and of things that are far-removed such as what I read about online or in the news. I can vascillate between feeling numb or feeling too much in reaction to what's going on around me. Lately it's been the latter. Here are a few examples of the things a little closer to home that make me feel deeply sobered to the realities of life...
I have a friend in Oregon whose 22-month-old son fell through a screen from the third floor of their town home onto his head on the concrete. He's hanging on but the extent of the damage is unclear at this point. Everyday I read her blog to get the latest update and hear her pour out her heart that is grieving, struggling, angry, and so, so sad that her son may never be the same again.
I have a friend at church whose 10-year-old son had brain surgery a week ago for bleeding in his brain after symptoms of a concussion weren't attended to while he was boxing in a neighborhood gym. He was encouraged to keep boxing and ended up unconscious. 10-years-old. His mother is 28 and 7-months-pregnant. Her 8th pregnancy in 11 years. They are very, very poor. Neither parent has a job. Thankfully the gym is paying for all of their son's expenses because there is just no way they could afford any of the care he's received. He woke up from a coma two days ago, thank God but the damage in his brain is yet to be determined.
One of the long-term midwives at Glory Reborn desperately wanted to get pregnant after she married. A year went by, and then another. So many of us prayed with and for her that she'd be blessed with a baby. And then it happened! And there was much joy and rejoicing and hope and excitement - especially on the part of Tina and her husband Vincent. Tina delivered a baby girl last month, "Hannah Monique." After birth, baby Hannah was rushed into surgery for a severe diaphragmatic hernia (the contents of her abdomen were displaced up into her chest cavity, restricting adequate growth and development of her heart and lungs). Everything that could possibly have been done was done but she didn't make it. Tina and Vincent were and are devastated.
I am sorry to depress you. These are just a few things/people that I think about a lot lately. The good side of this has been some of the moments in the past week that I have felt urged to soak up, inhale, take note of, revel in, and enjoy. Most of which have involved being with Andrey. Definitely the best thing in my life these days (& the past 7 years), is my relationship with Andrey. I really enjoyed hanging out with him this past weekend. Not that we don't usually enjoy spending time together, because we do. Time with Andrey - talking, eating, laughing, being silly - is one of the most life-giving things in my life and for some reason this weekend, even though it was full of ordinary life, just felt extra special.
Andrey typically isn't comfortable with being affectionate in public. I'm not talking about making out here. Ick. Not in public. We've become part Asian in that sense as we find ourselves very uncomfortable with inappropriate public displays of affection such as groping and necking. No, I'm talking about holding hands or walking with arms around each other. I love that stuff. I realize it's one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, for Andrey to put his arm around me in public or want to hold my hand - more so in public because for me it means SO much that Andrey is compelled to express his love, not only just for me but for others to see. It sends the message to me that I am loved, wanted, special and that he's not ashamed to show it that I am his. I love it so much. Last weekend Andrey was uncharacteristically "lovie" with me in public. Once or even twice in the mall he reached over and kissed me on the forehead and smiled at me affectionately. I was beaming. I could have just melted into a soppy puddle right then and there in the pet shop. Few things make me feel happier or more loved.
Perhaps it's the fact that we know these days of just the two of us are fleeting and should be taken advantage of. Or perhaps it's the Lord further strengthening our marriage because we're going to need to be strong and united for the imminent parenting challenge ahead. Perhaps it's the awareness of how tragedy could strike at any time. As others can attest, life is just moving along and then BAM! - it's changed, forever. So I sat in the middle bench seat the other night when Andrey was taking me to work so we could be close and I told him how thankful I was that he's alive and doesn't have an unknown extent of brain damage. Time lately has been extra sweet and I am thankful. So, so thankful for all that we have. So thankful for my best friend. The guy I will team up with in this parenting thing soon enough and for the rest of my life, should the Lord bless us with that.
Part of the fun lately is seeing each other scold our cat Gerald when he does something he's not supposed to - like pee in our plants or scratch up our furniture. I was so entertained seeing Andrey run after Gerald, yelling his name scornfully. I too must look ridiculous when I suddenly get up from my chair to grab the spray bottle of water to discipline a silly little cat, provoked by his latest offense. I mentioned to Andrey something like this, "Man it's gonna be entertaining seeing each other lose our cool with our kids someday. I'm sure I'm going to find it hard not to laugh!" These are the things we look forward to, I guess.
I realize this post has turned corny. But love is corny so I don't care. God has given me a gift greater than I could ever have dreamed up myself. I am savoring and relishing this relationship; this partnership; this friendship. I want to combat the lie that all marriages eventually dry up and aren't fun anymore at some point. What a lie! Marriage is wonderful! We're coming up on our 7th anniversary and I'm still crazy for my nerdy husband!
I realize that if God could give me such a wonderful gift in Andrey, that I expect I will think the same of our future children. I know there will be times when I realize how perfect our adopted children are for our family and how precious they are. Times when I will be filled with love for them and with joy for God's amazingly creative goodness to us - how they were specifically chosen for and meant for our family. I'm really looking forward to that but am also really enjoying today.
We can't expect or demand a life without tragedy or suffering. Not in this world. In fact, living in the developing world has made me baffled at how little suffering I have experienced and how unbelievable that is when the majority of people in the world seem to have so many, inexplicably more serious daily challenges. That's one of the most significant things I've learned since moving overseas - that my life, my experience of life actually represents life of the minority NOT the majority. The majority of humans in this world live with much more pain, suffering, and discomfort. To my surprise, many are full of joy and life, despite the awful tragedies they have had to endure. I am amazed at this. I know that I am to enjoy today, enjoy what God has for me today. Lately, that is a whole lot.
Lately I've been burdened. Burdened in one of the few positive ways one can be burdened. Burdened and compelled to pray, and compelled to treasure the numerous, abundant blessings in my life.
I am burdened by the sufferings of friends I know, of people I don't know and of things that are far-removed such as what I read about online or in the news. I can vascillate between feeling numb or feeling too much in reaction to what's going on around me. Lately it's been the latter. Here are a few examples of the things a little closer to home that make me feel deeply sobered to the realities of life...
I have a friend in Oregon whose 22-month-old son fell through a screen from the third floor of their town home onto his head on the concrete. He's hanging on but the extent of the damage is unclear at this point. Everyday I read her blog to get the latest update and hear her pour out her heart that is grieving, struggling, angry, and so, so sad that her son may never be the same again.
I have a friend at church whose 10-year-old son had brain surgery a week ago for bleeding in his brain after symptoms of a concussion weren't attended to while he was boxing in a neighborhood gym. He was encouraged to keep boxing and ended up unconscious. 10-years-old. His mother is 28 and 7-months-pregnant. Her 8th pregnancy in 11 years. They are very, very poor. Neither parent has a job. Thankfully the gym is paying for all of their son's expenses because there is just no way they could afford any of the care he's received. He woke up from a coma two days ago, thank God but the damage in his brain is yet to be determined.
One of the long-term midwives at Glory Reborn desperately wanted to get pregnant after she married. A year went by, and then another. So many of us prayed with and for her that she'd be blessed with a baby. And then it happened! And there was much joy and rejoicing and hope and excitement - especially on the part of Tina and her husband Vincent. Tina delivered a baby girl last month, "Hannah Monique." After birth, baby Hannah was rushed into surgery for a severe diaphragmatic hernia (the contents of her abdomen were displaced up into her chest cavity, restricting adequate growth and development of her heart and lungs). Everything that could possibly have been done was done but she didn't make it. Tina and Vincent were and are devastated.
I am sorry to depress you. These are just a few things/people that I think about a lot lately. The good side of this has been some of the moments in the past week that I have felt urged to soak up, inhale, take note of, revel in, and enjoy. Most of which have involved being with Andrey. Definitely the best thing in my life these days (& the past 7 years), is my relationship with Andrey. I really enjoyed hanging out with him this past weekend. Not that we don't usually enjoy spending time together, because we do. Time with Andrey - talking, eating, laughing, being silly - is one of the most life-giving things in my life and for some reason this weekend, even though it was full of ordinary life, just felt extra special.
Andrey typically isn't comfortable with being affectionate in public. I'm not talking about making out here. Ick. Not in public. We've become part Asian in that sense as we find ourselves very uncomfortable with inappropriate public displays of affection such as groping and necking. No, I'm talking about holding hands or walking with arms around each other. I love that stuff. I realize it's one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, for Andrey to put his arm around me in public or want to hold my hand - more so in public because for me it means SO much that Andrey is compelled to express his love, not only just for me but for others to see. It sends the message to me that I am loved, wanted, special and that he's not ashamed to show it that I am his. I love it so much. Last weekend Andrey was uncharacteristically "lovie" with me in public. Once or even twice in the mall he reached over and kissed me on the forehead and smiled at me affectionately. I was beaming. I could have just melted into a soppy puddle right then and there in the pet shop. Few things make me feel happier or more loved.
Perhaps it's the fact that we know these days of just the two of us are fleeting and should be taken advantage of. Or perhaps it's the Lord further strengthening our marriage because we're going to need to be strong and united for the imminent parenting challenge ahead. Perhaps it's the awareness of how tragedy could strike at any time. As others can attest, life is just moving along and then BAM! - it's changed, forever. So I sat in the middle bench seat the other night when Andrey was taking me to work so we could be close and I told him how thankful I was that he's alive and doesn't have an unknown extent of brain damage. Time lately has been extra sweet and I am thankful. So, so thankful for all that we have. So thankful for my best friend. The guy I will team up with in this parenting thing soon enough and for the rest of my life, should the Lord bless us with that.
Part of the fun lately is seeing each other scold our cat Gerald when he does something he's not supposed to - like pee in our plants or scratch up our furniture. I was so entertained seeing Andrey run after Gerald, yelling his name scornfully. I too must look ridiculous when I suddenly get up from my chair to grab the spray bottle of water to discipline a silly little cat, provoked by his latest offense. I mentioned to Andrey something like this, "Man it's gonna be entertaining seeing each other lose our cool with our kids someday. I'm sure I'm going to find it hard not to laugh!" These are the things we look forward to, I guess.
I realize this post has turned corny. But love is corny so I don't care. God has given me a gift greater than I could ever have dreamed up myself. I am savoring and relishing this relationship; this partnership; this friendship. I want to combat the lie that all marriages eventually dry up and aren't fun anymore at some point. What a lie! Marriage is wonderful! We're coming up on our 7th anniversary and I'm still crazy for my nerdy husband!I realize that if God could give me such a wonderful gift in Andrey, that I expect I will think the same of our future children. I know there will be times when I realize how perfect our adopted children are for our family and how precious they are. Times when I will be filled with love for them and with joy for God's amazingly creative goodness to us - how they were specifically chosen for and meant for our family. I'm really looking forward to that but am also really enjoying today.
We can't expect or demand a life without tragedy or suffering. Not in this world. In fact, living in the developing world has made me baffled at how little suffering I have experienced and how unbelievable that is when the majority of people in the world seem to have so many, inexplicably more serious daily challenges. That's one of the most significant things I've learned since moving overseas - that my life, my experience of life actually represents life of the minority NOT the majority. The majority of humans in this world live with much more pain, suffering, and discomfort. To my surprise, many are full of joy and life, despite the awful tragedies they have had to endure. I am amazed at this. I know that I am to enjoy today, enjoy what God has for me today. Lately, that is a whole lot.
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