Watch Out!! She's Gonna Pop!!

I can't help it! I get my feelings hurt when I'm not included in a reference to those who are expecting. Yeah, I know it's not the same as a nice round pregnant belly that calls for attention but my heart is feeling pretty plump these days...

like it's gonna burst...

an explosive rupture from the pressurized fullness of what's been growing inside for what seems like forever!

There is movement and kicking, achiness and discomfort, and brief moments of panic about what is to come...

there is impatience and craving; there is daydreaming about this mystery child, and sudden unexpected fits of crying that I can't always explain.

I am claiming my right to this group, damn it. That's how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different.

Right now I am grouchy from being overdue. I'm not talking weeks overdue, people. I'm talking MONTHS overdue - and I very likely have an unknown number of months to go. So don't mess with me. I'm giving birth to a toddler!! Maybe TWO! Let's see you real pregnant women do that!

20 months and 10 days...

Time is a-flyin' these days, I tell you! Sorry for the long lapse in blogging. I literally have about six drafts of blog posts buried in my blog that were all good ideas for posts but never got completed. And now those posts are outdated so I'll just move onto the present, I guess.

On the adoption front - since approval we have waited one year, eight months and 10 days. This is getting very exciting. If I let myself really think about it I get butterflies in my tummy and am overwhelmed with impatience! So my m.o. these days is to stay busy, continue to allow brief thoughts about my baby(ies) every day so I can pray for them, keep reading my adoption books but otherwise just keep my mind to other things. It's when I think about holding my child and daydream about what it's going to be like that I want to burst with emotional anticipation. It's like being a child on the night before Christmas when you feel so excited because you JUST_CAN_NOT_WAIT for morning to come! You want it to be morning NOW!

I just received an email from another woman on my online adoption group. She said she just heard that ICAB (adoption board) is currently working on matching applicants from the third quarter of 2008. Because I can be a bit air-headed sometimes, I initially thought that referred to us but then Andrey reminded me that that refers to those approved in July to September 2008. We were approved in December 2008. Oh well. Still though, we are closer than ever and it is exciting to me to be past the 20 month mark. I have heard of lots of families getting matched in the 20-something months. Anything is possible! Besides, we just recently sent in a letter to ICAB with a family update and some recent photos and revised medical checklists that gave, what I felt like was, LOTS of room to choose from in the numerous conditions/challenges we are willing to take on. C'mon!! This has got to affect something!

To be honest, lately the wait has not been too bad at all. I am enjoying the present so much these days that I'm fine to wait a few more months (I hope it's only a few more months!). We have traveled quite a bit since April. We've been to the US, India, Northern Philippines and Hong Kong. I plan to go to Davao, Mindanao (Southern Philippines) next month to work at a busy clinic for about 10 days. Then it is possible we'll take a short furlough in October as Andrey has a very small window for which he can be away. He is crazy busy with work between now and the start of 2011. He has work trips planned to Manila, Bangkok and DC all before the end of the year.

I'll end with sharing something I received recently that was VERY encouraging. While in Luzon at Abundant Grace Maternity Clinic I joined the staff for the their weekly devotional/prayer time. We went around the group and prayed for each person. When it was my turn, two midwives had words of encouragement received from the Holy Spirit for me about our children. The first was a picture of Jesus holding Andrey and I in one hand and our child(ren) in the other. The impression was, we are not yet together but Jesus is holding each one of us securely in his hands while we wait. The second word was that Jesus is very near to our child, caring tenderly for them and bonding with them in place of us (and in place of their birth parents).

When I heard this I started crying because I have prayed exactly this numerous times. It was Jesus encouraging my heart that what I have prayed and asked for, he is doing. I wrote those prayers in this post and this post. He really is answering our prayers and it's so nice to be reminded of that.

Letter to our Child

Dear Sweet Child,

As we wait for you, I know you are already ours. I know you are out there. You may be just a few kilometers away or you may be on another island in a different part of this country. I don't know your name or your face yet but you already have life inside our hearts. There isn't a day that goes by that we do not think about you.

I often daydream about you. I wonder who is taking care of you and what you are doing and feeling. I wonder what hurts you are are carrying and how they have affected you. I think about the joy we will have when we see you grow and develop as you receive love and healing.

I think about what our days will be like when you and I have all day to spend together while your daddy is at work. I know that I will be the one to take care of you and we will find fun things to do together. I think about the weekends when both your daddy and I get to spend time with you and what good times we will have. Your daddy is very fun to be with. You are going to really like being with him. I know that we will do a lot of laughing together.

I pray for you every day. I pray that you know that you are loved and wanted, that you are special and have value, and that you have a home waiting for you. I pray that Jesus is very near to you, watching over you and speaking words of Life to you. I pray that you know you were created for a purpose and that Jesus and your Mommy and your Daddy love you very much. I pray that the people who are taking care of you are doing a good job and showing you love.

Your daddy and I have waited so long for you. We can't wait for the day we finally meet you and hold you in our arms. There is no other child that we want but you. It's only a matter of time till we are together.

Love,

Mommy

Empty Nest

I have a new schedule at the clinic. I now only work on Friday and Sunday - usually night shift from 10 to 7. No more 12 hour shifts. This, along with the fact that we have pretty much done everything we can to get our home ready for our child, has left me with a bit of extra unexpected time on my hands lately. This past week I haven't known what to do with myself. For the first time in years I felt like I did during my first year in Thailand. Bored. A little lonely. Slightly depressed. I've avoided thinking about it much and have instead tried to push through with getting stuff done that I've been putting off and making plans to be useful during this strange period of time of unknown length till we become parents. (I do have a few things in the works, which are sure to keep me busy but just haven't gotten going yet.)

I think the extra alone time the past few weeks and the empty days have really magnified the state of our quiet, childless home. I was feeling quite positive about my last days of childlessness last week but this week, I have swung the other way - moping around the house thinking about our child, and feeling like my days are pointless. I think I am beginning to feel a real, tangible empty space in our home and hearts for this unknown child. Not that I am lacking something emotionally and in need of a child to fill in an unhealthy, co-dependent way - I don't think that's it. I don't know how else to describe it. It just feels so obvious that something is missing. Perhaps it's the knowing our child is out there. I am 90% sure he/she is alive and being cared for by someone else and here I am available, with empty arms in a quiet house.

I think I've done relatively well with the wait so far but if this week is any indication of how the rest of the wait is going to be, it may be safe to say that this is getting more difficult for me. But it's a different kind of difficult. Before it was us wanting children in general and having to wait but now it is us already having a child that just hasn't been given to us yet. It's as if I'm in this place of experiencing emptiness and lack so that the being filled is that much sweeter (this is the hopeful way of looking at it) - like when we sometimes go through times of desert and dryness spiritually only to be filled again, and how those dark times better enable us to experience joy. I suppose this undercurrent of sad emptiness is just the discernible presence of a vacancy designed for something wonderful, yet to come, soon to be filled. God I hope It's not long. I'm starting to get tired of hearing myself talk about this.

The Last Days of Childlessness (0-12 months to go!)

I realized something this morning. These are the last days of childlessness. These are the last days in this unexpectedly long journey to become a mommy. You could say this journey started six years ago when Andrey and I decided we were ready to start trying for a child, but in reality this journey began when I realized as a child that I would one day be a mommy. Of course I would. The desire has been there for decades and I never considered it being any other way.

I recall being in my early-mid 20's and experiencing for the first time a physical ache to bear a child whenever I was around a baby. I guess that was the biological clock chiming in. I always knew I'd have a child someday. I just didn't think it would take this long.

So this realization I had this morning, that these are the LAST DAYS of childlessness, brought to mind the fact that although this wait is long, it WILL come to an end - likely in the next six months! And if not in the next 6 months, then in the next year for SURE*. In the big picture, and considering how long we've waited so far, this is not much time left. The light at the end of the tunnel is in view and is steadily getting bigger as we get closer.

*On June 8th, we will be 18 months into our projected wait of 18-30 months (we were previously told 12-24 months but that has recently changed). Several families in the past month were matched after waiting ~24 months. We are hoping that will be the case for us as well.

In these days, I am praying that God would prepare us for the child(ren) he has planned for us, and that he would be preparing that child for our family. I am not expecting a "normal" child. I believe all adopted children have some degree of special needs, considering the amount of loss they have experienced in the process of becoming an orphan. Most adopted children have some level of developmental delay and many have attachment issues. I believe with good care, most of these children can catch up and learn to bond effectively (these things are very interrelated, as a child's ability to bond and attach set up the necessary context in which they are able to properly grow and develop). Aside from the best-case scenario described above, I have learned that there may be some more severe "special needs" present, such as mild to severe physical and neurological disabilities. On our adoption group, I have heard of many families who applied for a "normal" child and learned some time after they received their child that one or more significant conditions were present - that were either unidentifiable at a young age or were not discovered due to lack of adequate medical care. Some of these conditions are such that if known previously, would classify the child as "special needs."

These stories and others remind me that, just like with a biological child, you do not know what you will be faced with. And while we hope and pray that our child will have the least issues possible, the prayer I pray more frequently is that we would be prepared to accept and love our child regardless of his/her issues and that we would have the grace, wisdom, compassion and strength it will take to properly care for that child. For we are not guaranteed an easy road. What this long wait has taught me is that my joy and fulfillment in life is not contingent on things working out the way I expect. My joy is rooted in faith in my God who is good, loving, faithful, all-powerful and who will equip me with everything I need to accomplish and fulfill what he has prepared for me. He is my anchor and my hope is in him.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23

Getting Ready for Baby

Since we found out that we'll only have a few weeks after getting the call till we can pick up our child, we've been in serious baby preparation mode. We've been working on a few house projects getting our new room (we'll be moving into the guest bedroom that adjoins to the baby room) ready, as well as the baby room and the bathroom that connects the two rooms. We've added shelves, re-grouted tiles, replaced parts of the wood floor and old wall panels. We installed a hand bidet (which will double as a diaper sprayer). Once these projects are done we'll move into our new room and will be able to get the baby room all set up with the crib/toddler bed we bought. Then we'll get the shelves organized and filled with what we have for a child of unknown age, size, and gender. So what does one buy for such an unknown child? Things like clothes can not be bought yet but there are plenty of other things we've been able to prepare. This has served as a welcome distraction during our waiting.

On our recent trip the US, we were able to bring back LOTS of baby stuff that I either ordered, shopped for, or was given by grandparents, aunts & uncles. I can't remember being so excited about stuff before!

Andrey doesn't get this but when I buy something new I love to show him what I got. Since you are all so far away (you, being all the ladies in my life that would actually be interested in this), I will do a little show and tell here. And perhaps it will serve as a list to other adopted parents of things they can prepare prior to know the exact age/gender of their child.

Diapers

I've decided to try out two systems. Pocket diapers and prefolds with covers.

• 14 one-size pocket diapers, Babyland brand. They came with 28 inserts.

• A dozen cotton prefolds - size medium
  

• Two Thirsties diaper covers - size medium (for 15-30 pounds, which should cover an average baby from 6 months to 2 years)

• Two Bummis Super Whisper Wraps - size medium

• I also got a couple of nylon pull on pants (super cheap) that I figured were worth a try. I read some use them as extra protection for over night.
  

• I also bought this adorable little swim diaper. I bought a baby blue long-sleeved swim top (also called a rash guard) to go with it. It only came in a size for age 1 but I couldn't pass it up. If it's too small for our child, we'll give it to our adorable niece Annika.
  

Diaper accessories

• Diaper pail liner - Planet Wise. I got two so I have another to use while the one is in the wash with the dirty diapers.
  

• Dirty diaper bags - for travel
  

Natural Baby Co. - holds 2-3 diapers, great for short day trips

Planet Wise wet/dry bag - holds ~20 diapers, for overnight trips

• Snappi diaper fasteners - for the prefolds
  

• Bummis Bio-Soft flushable liners - biodegradable inserts for use inside diapers so solids are easily flushed away. I have a few friends who really like using these.
  

• Cloth baby wipes - My Aunt and my Mom made me dozens of cloth wipes. The photo here is what my Aunt made - all from leftover fabric she had lying around. With what my mom made (she made me some wipes out of soft sherpa fabric, which is so soft!), I think we are covered as far as wipes and washcloths go. They also stocked us up on some very cute burp rags. Thanks Mom and Jan!

• Diaper bag - Skip Hop Deluxe Duo. I asked Andrey if this print was neutral enough for him to not mind carrying. He agreed at the time but I now wonder if it is neutral enough. Too late now. I just love this print and it will go with everything and will double as a purse as well.
  

Toiletries

• Diaper rash cream, body wash/shampoo, baby wipe spray and some supplies to make my own (witch hazel, tea tree oil, lavender...), spray-on sunblock for kids, nail clippers

Medicine

• Last year I stocked up on a few herbal remedies for kids. Cough syrup, boo boo spray, immune support. These are things I can't just run out for when I have a sick kid. Of course we have pharmacies here with plenty of allopathic remedies but I'd like to do what I can with herbs first before I resort to pharmaceuticals.
  

Crib Bedding

• My brothers and sisters-in-law in Florida gave us two organic cotton fitted crib sheets in light brown and beige and a waterproof crib mattress cover, which I love. (Thank you Paul, Laura, Luke & Tonya!!)
  
• I bought a few light-weight receiving blankets in these prints
  

Feeding Supplies

• Sets of BPA-free plastic plates, bowls, travel containers for snacks, and a sippy cup with handles
  
• Kleen Kanteen water sippy (They come in different colors but I got stainless to match my adult version water bottle that I use everyday. So silly but I don't care. I love things that match.)
  

Baby Carriers

• Moby Wrap: My mother-in-law bought this for me about 4 years ago. Thanks, Mom! I can't wait to put your second grandchild in it! Although it does look a little warm - maybe I can use it when we go to Canada :-)
  

• Ergot Baby Carrier - Dear friends Colleen and Taj (Thanks ladies!!) pitched in to help me buy this carrier. I've had so many friends tell me how much they love theirs. I got one in chocolate brown.
  

Books: Thanks to our gracious parents, aunts, uncles and cousins, we have LOTS of children's books. I love the stock we are creating. Will need to get a book shelf for them. I'm going to start looking for some adoption-related story books, too. I've heard of some great ones out there. Thank you Moms, Mike, Lisa, Kit, Allen, Brenda, Wayne, Mairin, Alex, Graham, Joel & Katya!

We also have been given by our parents, Andrey's grandmother and cousins an assortment of knitted blankets, quilts (Andrey's mom made us a gorgeous quilt big enough for a double bed - amazing!), and hand-crocheted/knitted stuffed animals. Thank you Katya. Thank you Grandma. Thank you, Mom. We are so blessed!!

Things we plan to buy after we get matched

• Stroller & Car seat - will have the first grandparents who visit bring these from the States (much cheaper!)
  
• Feeding booster - can buy here
• Baby monitor - depending on age of child, can buy here
• Pack 'n Play?
  
• Clothes (of course!) - can't wait till I can buy clothes!
  
• A few toys
  
• Safety supplies (plastic socket covers and stuff like that - not exactly sure what else we'll need)

Am I forgetting anything?

In adoption time-line news, I recently heard that the Philippines Adoption Board is extending wait times from up to 24 months to up to 30 months. I know of two other couples, who like us don't have any kids yet (childless families usually get priority over those with other children). One has been waiting 22 months without a match, the other 21. Of course we have no idea what will happen but we're thinking it will more likely be toward the end of this year. We were told a wait time of 12-24 months but other families were told 18-24 months and most recently 18-30 months. May 8 will be 17 months for us.

Adoption Stories

This past weekend at the conference we attended I was blown away by the many people I met who have adopted internationally. It felt like all the adoptive families were coming out of the woodwork to find me and tell me their story and that they are praying for us. I felt so blessed and encouraged.

Two stories in particular, really encouraged me. (I won't go into much detail as I haven't asked permission to share their stories.)

I met a woman, similar age to me, married a similar number of years, no biological children, who adopted internationally a year ago. She and her husband went to the Eastern Europe planning to bring home two children and ended up with four. Her story was rich with joy and thankfulness for what God has done. Meeting her reminded me to remain open to whatever the Lord has for us in this adoption - be it one or two (or more!) children. This came at a good time as I have been stressing out lately about the idea of two children, not feeling sure I'm ready for it if it happens. Her story has put this in perspective for me. Meeting her was great as she's the first adoptive mother I'm met that doesn't already have a biological child. I could really relate to her.

Andrey and I were introduced to an American couple who struggled for years to have a baby. They have endured a huge amount of loss in their journey to become parents. They shared with us how they were presented with a choice between continuing to pursue fertility or applying for a job that may take them overseas to a country where fertility specialists are not available. They prayed and made the difficult decision to relinquish their hopes of a successful pregnancy in order to follow where they felt God was leading them. Not long after, they were shocked to learn that she had become pregnant for the first time without the help of fertility treatment and she is currently well into her pregnancy. A total miracle! Even though I was meeting this couple for the first time I couldn't help but tear up when I heard their story. I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness. We then shared a bit of our story with them and they prayed for us and our desire to become parents, which really blessed us. Another divine connection.

These are just a few experiences from this past weekend that served to remind us that our Creator is so involved in every detail of our lives and our hopes for a family. It confirmed to me that we are exactly where we are meant to be. There is much more to share but the point is that when we release our deep desires to God and let him bring about his purpose in our lives in his timing and in his way, there is a greater joy and blessing in it than if we hold tightly to our plans and make them happen in our own strength. I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him
and he will direct your paths
Proverbs 3:5-6

11 months...

It's been 11 months since we were approved by the adoption board of the Philippines. Up until yesterday we hadn't heard of anyone else getting matched who were approved the same time as us. Yesterday I heard that a couple in the US (the husband is Filipino and they have no children) were just matched with a 9-month-old. Guess when they were approved? December 2008. We were approved in December 2008.

I think (I think) this means that our application is out there. Available. Up for grabs. This is big. I think.

In the past few months, since I became part of an online group for families adopting internationally from the Philippines, I've vacillated between thinking we might get matched soon to thinking it might be a while yet. I heard of families who waited more than TWO YEARS to be matched and many and what seems like the majority have waited around 18 months. I just wish I knew when it was going to happen! It's driving me a little crazy. Not that I'm feeling really really antsy and impatient yet. I'm not. I mean, of course I am ready and really, really want our chil(ren) to join our family but I know that we haven't been waiting that long and there are just so many families out there that have waited much longer than us that are still waiting. But the stories of some getting matched really soon and then the stories on the other end of the spectrum just screw with my head, back in forth. From excited to relaxed. From impatient to patient. From anticipating the phone to ring any minute and wishing it would, to planning something months down the road and feeling pretty sure we won't have kids by then.

Do I just keep doing what I'm doing, knowing that it could change at any moment but not expecting it to. Or should I be living my life as if it will be any time. If so, what should I be doing? What will I look back on and wish I was doing RIGHT NOW. At least in this moment I'm in the "It could be soon. It might be soon. What if it's soon?" mode. Maybe next week I'll be back to the "It's not gonna happen for a while so just chill out and wait" mode. I can't seem to find a middle ground.

Inching Closer... we think.

On my online Philippines adoption group yesterday I read that a couple that was approved in October 2008 just got matched with a 10-month-old. This is exciting for two reasons.

1. It tells me it is possible to get matched with a child under age 1.

2. Since we were approved in December last year, it makes me wonder if our file has been released already. Or will we be in the next group of files released? Last I heard those approved up to June last year were being matched. With this couple having been approved in October and getting a match already, shows us that they have moved on to other applicants that were approved later than June last year (and closer to when we were approved!).

This couple only waited a year for their match. It gives us hope and shows us that it is possible to get a match by early next year (or late this year!). Yikes! As soon as I start to relax and get settled in for a longer period of waiting, I hear something like this that pinches me into sober anticipation that it could be anytime. I just don't know which attitude to take on! I guess I should prepare as if it's going to happen soon - because it is possible! Oh my goodness!!

Details on the Adoption Timeline

In the past week, since becoming a part of an online support group for families adopting from the Philippines, I have learned some information regarding where we are at in the process. It is very helpful to know a little more about how this process works.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I learned that approved applications are made available for consideration in groups, based on the approval date. For example, applications approved in a certain time period will be made available for matching with children. Prospective parents where there is any Filipino heritage are considered first within that group. When most of these are matched, they look at the rest of the applications approved in that time period. I heard that when the majority of these are matched, but not necessarily all, the next group of applications are made available.

So what I know is this. Applications approved by the adoption board between February and June 2008 are currently being considered. Most of those with Filipino heritage have been matched and it's possible that they've already begun matching the non-Filipinos or that they will soon.

Our approval date was in December 2008, so our application has not been made available yet. It may be in the next group of applications or maybe even the one after that. So it seems we have a little ways to go. There were many families in the current group that haven't been matched yet - most have waited well over a year already.

What I don't know is how long it takes between groups. The good thing is that through the online group, I get to hear when other families get matched and when they travel to pick up their kids. Because of this I may get to keep tabs a little as to who is getting matched and when we are getting closer. I will likely be able to see when other families who were approved around the time that we were get matched. At that point, I will get really antsy. But for now, I feel like I can exhale a little and settle in for a bit more waiting.

For now, it's looking like we probably won't get matched until next year sometime but I'm okay with this. There are so many other families who have been waiting much longer than us and it is totally right and fair that we wait while they get matched. It is helpful to know this and to actually read emails from families ahead of us in this process - to know their names and how long they've been waiting. I can pray for them - that they get matched soon.

This online group seems to be a great community and I am happy to be a part of it although the volume of messages is a little overwhelming at times. I think there are more than 500 families - from those considering adoption, to those who adopted years ago. I have already met a young woman who is considering adoption who lives about a kilometer away from us here in Cebu City. I will have coffee with her on Wednesday. There are others I've met who used to live in the Philippines or whose children came from the children's shelter down the street from us. Many share about traveling to the Philippines, where they stayed, what they learned and what it was like to pick up their child, what kind of health/grieving/attachment/food/sleep issues they had to deal with and how the transition is going. I'm sure having read others' experiences will be very useful when our time comes.

Aside from the wait to be matched there is also the question as to how long we will have to wait after being matched. Most families in the US have to wait until the child gets a US visa before they can come pick up the child and bring him home. For many, this takes another 6 months or so. What we don't know is whether we'll be able to take custody before we get the child's visa, since we won't need to take him/her out of the country right away. Of course we are hoping our living here will shorten this part of the waiting time out but we certainly can not bet on that until we talk to our agency and social worker and learn more.

We will continue to pray every day for our chid(ren). I'm sure they are well worth the wait and it's going to be fantastic to finally be able to bring them home.

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:3

My Husband is Nesting

So cute. Yesterday, Andrey says to me, "I think I'll work on that photo organizing project because if we get kids soon..." I immediately told him, "You're nesting!"

I found this on a pregnancy website referring to the nesting instinct:

Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the new baby, to tie up loose ends of old projects and to organize your world.

While I wouldn't call it uncontrollable, I would say that Andrey and I are in the least tending toward tying up loose ends of old projects around the house. It's not that uncommon for us to putter around the house on a Saturday and get a few things done but what is uncommon is for Andrey to suddenly feel the need to work on a project that we honestly have been ignoring for years.

The photos that need organizing are printed photos, taken before we got our first digital camera in 2004. We have stacks and stacks of photos that need to be put into albums. When we moved to Thailand in 2004, we brought the piles of photos and at least 5 or 6 empty photo albums waiting to be filled. Since then the furthest we got was getting some of the piles in chronological order. When we moved to Cebu in 2007, we again, moved these piles of photos and the empty albums. We haven't done anything with them, except pile the boxes they are in in one of our guest bedrooms. It's been years. Until yesterday. So that's why I immediately called it a nesting instinct. Well done, Andrey.

He worked on it all day yesterday and is still working on it today. It will likely take a few more days but at least we are finally addressing this project, for which I can take no credit for. I'd help, but I'm busy getting our budget up-to-date, which is another overdue project.

I just read this post to Andrey and he wanted me to add this greeting (brought on by looking at old photos full of great memories): "Thanks for the mammaries, everyone."

Getting Closer?

Lately I have felt led to pray more specifically regarding our getting matched with our child(ren). Now that I am done with my midwifery requirements, (yes, as of a week ago all assignments are done and clinical requirements achieved! just an evaluation left and a bunch of paper work to submit!), it's as if I suddenly feel FREE to receive our child now. And with what God recently did in my heart regarding how I viewed adoption, I now feel more ready than ever. According to the average wait times, we have a long way to go but something in me just feels compelled to ask the Lord for a miracle, for something sooner, as Andrey and I and many others sense it is near!

On Monday I met an American woman introduced to me by a mutual friend. She and her husband and their three older kids were in Cebu City because they came to pick up their adopted son. I got to hear all about her experience and how long they waited and who, in her experience, tends to get matched sooner. Some of the info was a little disappointing to hear, like how the adoption board can cause some pretty heavy delays so that some families get really stuck in part of the process, but other info was very promising. I learned that our application likely hasn't even been made available yet to social workers responsible for matching children. I learned that only a chunk of applications approved in certain period of time are up for matching and the next sets of applicants don't get released until those earlier ones are matched. I learned that they like families in which the adopted child is a first child and that any tie to or family background from the Philippines is a huge bonus, meaning these families tend to get chosen by the social workers first. Apparently social workers choose 2 or 3 families as options for a particular child and then it is up to the adoption board to pick out of them.

To me, this is hopeful. Since it seems our application hasn't been released yet, it tells me that perhaps once it does, it may not be long. We might be slightly more desirable given our childless status and the fact that we live in the Philippines. She also told us that she knows of some families who got matched after 9 and 11 months of waiting. (We've been waiting over 8 months.) Although this is less common, it is possible.

In addition, she mentioned that it may be possible for us to get a child younger than I earlier thought because of the new law in the Philippines that makes the abandonment process an administrative one through the Dept. of Social Welfare, rather than a judicial process through the already overloaded court system. Under this new law the time period before a child is considered abandoned has been reduced to a maximum of 3 months from the original minimum of 6 months. Because of this this law, which in already in effect, it's possible a child could be declared legally available for adoption in less than 2 months. Before, it took as long as 3 years in court proceedings for such declaration. This is very positive since it will reduce the amount of time children will need to live in a child caring agency prior to being placed with an adoptive family. However, it is unclear how and if it will positively affect the wait time for applicants on the adoption board's wait list. I had heard about this change in the law but had not thought it could affect the age of the child we get. Although we are not counting on it, the fact that it is possible is exciting for us.

This woman's adoption story and also the adoption story I read recently from a good friend of mine, Melissa, who adopted from Thailand, have some similarities. In both stories it was very clear that God had arranged all of the details AND the timing so that the circumstances that took place in order to bring a particular child to a particular family at a specified time just could not have taken place without God orchestrating it all. I was blown away by the timing element to it all.

I just believe that we are going to get matched when it is the exact right time and not only us, but many others sense that time is near. Last week my mom had a dream that I called her saying, We got the call! We're getting our kids in 2 weeks! And my father also told me that he just has a gut sense that something is going to happen soon. Wow! Talk about building my faith to pray specifically! Andrey even said recently, why pray that we hear by the end of the year? I'm asking for the end of the month. Ok, then. Fine. It's not like we are going to limit God by praying the wrong thing. He's going to do what he's going to do. But so, so many people are praying for us and with little encouragements and indications here and there, I can't help but be expectant! I feel like I'm in my third trimester.

Sometimes I wonder if God gives us faith to pray something that he plans to do. In this, he involves us in bringing about his will and because we asked for it, it builds our faith. It also honors God for us to believe him enough to pray specifically, to ask, to seek, to knock; knowing that he is going to act. This is also a faith-building process and in it God is delighted that his children trust and believe him enough to do what he wants to do in the first place! Does this make sense?

So each day, an alarm goes off on my phone to remind me and Andrey to pray together for the following:

• That God would be with our child(ren), wherever they are. The he would protect them and keep evil far from them
  
• That they would know and experience the love of the Father and the Mother through the revelation of the Holy Spirit and ideally also through the love of the people caring for them
  
• That they would be well cared for by those responsible for them
• That God would prepare them to join our family
  
• That we would get the call informing us that we have been matched by the end of the year (or the end of the month) :-)
• That the child(ren) would come from CEBU or an island in this region

I invite you to pray with us, these specifics, or any other specifics you feel led to pray for.

Woohoo! I'm so excited to be a mommy! And I just know that Andrey is going to be a fantastic daddy.

A Realization; A Choice

"Infertility is the greatest tragedy that I have experienced and yet in it, my heart was opened to those who would have no mother." Shelley Monaghan Clay

During a rare quiet alone time in Saskatoon earlier this month, I took a few moments to sit in the sun in our Aunt & Uncle's back yard to do some journaling. Have you ever had the experience where as soon as you take even a few moments to be quiet you sense God's Spirit intimately close? That is what happened. I sat down and I felt as if the Holy Spirit was all around me. The sky, the sun, the trees, all seemed abuzz with life. I looked up at the trees pointed to the sky and saw creation worshiping the Creator. The character Sirayu in the book The Shack came to mind. In it the Holy Spirit is portrayed as a petite Asian woman who moves around like a breeze, full of joy and creativity, working the land diligently to weed and sow and produce a brilliant, healthy, colorful garden. As soon as I brought that to mind, a breeze came upon the yard and rustled the willow tree and the other plants all around. It was if the Lord was saying, Yes, I am here. I felt God's tender love toward me and a joyful peace ensued. I LIVE for such moments. What a high!

In moments like these, when I am quiet and present enough to hear the still, small voice of God, I find that if I begin to write what comes to mind, something significant flows from my heart and onto the page of my journal. This is what came to me...

I realize now that I can choose to be thankful and that I can choose to accept, with grace, the path the Lord has set before me. Alternatively, I can choose to compare myself to those who have what I wish I had - pregnancy, fertility, a bosom full of milk made specially for a baby that I bore - and subsequently feel jealous and pity for my sad and unfortunate situation. And then I could have a good cry.

Well I have done my crying - and most of it was right and appropriate at the time, as it was necessary to grieve the loss of that which I had to let go of, more specifically, 'my plan'. It is time to move on from that place of grief to acceptance.

Now today, I am looking to the future. The future that will happen upon us at any moment. I am thinking of our child or children - those who have already been chosen for us. For me to continue to stomp my feet and tell the Lord that I don't like his plan is to look into the eyes of that child and say, You were my second choice, Plan B. This is not the way to enter into adoption. And if I did, I know that I would feel guilt and regret about it later.

So I will not. I will choose to prepare myself for that child as if I were carrying him. I will remind myself of something that I know. Once that child is mine, I know that I will be thankful that my plan did not work out; for if it did, it would mean that my son, or daughter would not have come to me and that I would not have the privilege of being called their mommy.

So I am sorry Lord, that it has taken me this long to "get" this. Somehow you knew that I needed this time. This wait. Perhaps it won't be long yet.

burdens, blessings and something about love

My blogging has been spotty. I feel compelled to write something so I'm just going to start and see what comes out. I think sometimes I don't blog because I feel I don't have anything "good enough" to share. It's as if it needs to be a polished thought or an impressive post. I wish this wasn't so because sometimes I just need to write. I do reserve my journal for times like that as it is a place I can write more freely but I'd like to get better at doing a bit more of that here. One reason for that is that my favorite blogs are the ones that are real, raw and unpolished. They're just about life. And life, in its truest sense, is that. Raw. Real. Unpolished. Ugly, even. And, as this post turned out, corny. So at the risk of not sounding as cool and smart as I wish I was, I will ramble a bit about what has been occupying my time and thoughts these days and not waste time trying to make it sound good...

Lately I've been burdened. Burdened in one of the few positive ways one can be burdened. Burdened and compelled to pray, and compelled to treasure the numerous, abundant blessings in my life.

I am burdened by the sufferings of friends I know, of people I don't know and of things that are far-removed such as what I read about online or in the news. I can vascillate between feeling numb or feeling too much in reaction to what's going on around me. Lately it's been the latter. Here are a few examples of the things a little closer to home that make me feel deeply sobered to the realities of life...

I have a friend in Oregon whose 22-month-old son fell through a screen from the third floor of their town home onto his head on the concrete. He's hanging on but the extent of the damage is unclear at this point. Everyday I read her blog to get the latest update and hear her pour out her heart that is grieving, struggling, angry, and so, so sad that her son may never be the same again.

I have a friend at church whose 10-year-old son had brain surgery a week ago for bleeding in his brain after symptoms of a concussion weren't attended to while he was boxing in a neighborhood gym. He was encouraged to keep boxing and ended up unconscious. 10-years-old. His mother is 28 and 7-months-pregnant. Her 8th pregnancy in 11 years. They are very, very poor. Neither parent has a job. Thankfully the gym is paying for all of their son's expenses because there is just no way they could afford any of the care he's received. He woke up from a coma two days ago, thank God but the damage in his brain is yet to be determined.

One of the long-term midwives at Glory Reborn desperately wanted to get pregnant after she married. A year went by, and then another. So many of us prayed with and for her that she'd be blessed with a baby. And then it happened! And there was much joy and rejoicing and hope and excitement - especially on the part of Tina and her husband Vincent. Tina delivered a baby girl last month, "Hannah Monique." After birth, baby Hannah was rushed into surgery for a severe diaphragmatic hernia (the contents of her abdomen were displaced up into her chest cavity, restricting adequate growth and development of her heart and lungs). Everything that could possibly have been done was done but she didn't make it. Tina and Vincent were and are devastated.

I am sorry to depress you. These are just a few things/people that I think about a lot lately. The good side of this has been some of the moments in the past week that I have felt urged to soak up, inhale, take note of, revel in, and enjoy. Most of which have involved being with Andrey. Definitely the best thing in my life these days (& the past 7 years), is my relationship with Andrey. I really enjoyed hanging out with him this past weekend. Not that we don't usually enjoy spending time together, because we do. Time with Andrey - talking, eating, laughing, being silly - is one of the most life-giving things in my life and for some reason this weekend, even though it was full of ordinary life, just felt extra special.

Andrey typically isn't comfortable with being affectionate in public. I'm not talking about making out here. Ick. Not in public. We've become part Asian in that sense as we find ourselves very uncomfortable with inappropriate public displays of affection such as groping and necking. No, I'm talking about holding hands or walking with arms around each other. I love that stuff. I realize it's one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, for Andrey to put his arm around me in public or want to hold my hand - more so in public because for me it means SO much that Andrey is compelled to express his love, not only just for me but for others to see. It sends the message to me that I am loved, wanted, special and that he's not ashamed to show it that I am his. I love it so much. Last weekend Andrey was uncharacteristically "lovie" with me in public. Once or even twice in the mall he reached over and kissed me on the forehead and smiled at me affectionately. I was beaming. I could have just melted into a soppy puddle right then and there in the pet shop. Few things make me feel happier or more loved.

Perhaps it's the fact that we know these days of just the two of us are fleeting and should be taken advantage of. Or perhaps it's the Lord further strengthening our marriage because we're going to need to be strong and united for the imminent parenting challenge ahead. Perhaps it's the awareness of how tragedy could strike at any time. As others can attest, life is just moving along and then BAM! - it's changed, forever. So I sat in the middle bench seat the other night when Andrey was taking me to work so we could be close and I told him how thankful I was that he's alive and doesn't have an unknown extent of brain damage. Time lately has been extra sweet and I am thankful. So, so thankful for all that we have. So thankful for my best friend. The guy I will team up with in this parenting thing soon enough and for the rest of my life, should the Lord bless us with that.

Part of the fun lately is seeing each other scold our cat Gerald when he does something he's not supposed to - like pee in our plants or scratch up our furniture. I was so entertained seeing Andrey run after Gerald, yelling his name scornfully. I too must look ridiculous when I suddenly get up from my chair to grab the spray bottle of water to discipline a silly little cat, provoked by his latest offense. I mentioned to Andrey something like this, "Man it's gonna be entertaining seeing each other lose our cool with our kids someday. I'm sure I'm going to find it hard not to laugh!" These are the things we look forward to, I guess.

I realize this post has turned corny. But love is corny so I don't care. God has given me a gift greater than I could ever have dreamed up myself. I am savoring and relishing this relationship; this partnership; this friendship. I want to combat the lie that all marriages eventually dry up and aren't fun anymore at some point. What a lie! Marriage is wonderful! We're coming up on our 7th anniversary and I'm still crazy for my nerdy husband!

I realize that if God could give me such a wonderful gift in Andrey, that I expect I will think the same of our future children. I know there will be times when I realize how perfect our adopted children are for our family and how precious they are. Times when I will be filled with love for them and with joy for God's amazingly creative goodness to us - how they were specifically chosen for and meant for our family. I'm really looking forward to that but am also really enjoying today.

We can't expect or demand a life without tragedy or suffering. Not in this world. In fact, living in the developing world has made me baffled at how little suffering I have experienced and how unbelievable that is when the majority of people in the world seem to have so many, inexplicably more serious daily challenges. That's one of the most significant things I've learned since moving overseas - that my life, my experience of life actually represents life of the minority NOT the majority. The majority of humans in this world live with much more pain, suffering, and discomfort. To my surprise, many are full of joy and life, despite the awful tragedies they have had to endure. I am amazed at this. I know that I am to enjoy today, enjoy what God has for me today. Lately, that is a whole lot.

Adoption Dream

I'm having lots of vivid dreams lately. Maybe it's the jet lag. As I was writing about the dream in my last post, I remembered a dream I had had the night before. This time it was an adoption dream.

In the dream I was at a gathering in a children's home. The scene was very similar to a birthday party at a children's home in Cebu that Andrey and I went to just before we started the adoption process. We were gathered with many others sitting at a long table. Then someone came in and told us that we'd been matched with two children. Immediately Andrey and I looked at each other, overcome with joy at the realization that we were getting siblings like we'd hoped. We were so excited! We didn't expect that we'd meet them right away but in the next instant two small children were brought to us. One child was a girl who looked to be about three or four years old. The other child was a boy, younger than the girl but I'm not sure how old because I didn't get a good look at him. The reason for this was because as soon as the little girl was brought into the room, she immediately ran to me and crawled up in my lap. Her face was smiling and bright. I was delighted at this! She was so tiny and seemed to be very malnourished. Then we were told that she was actually six years old. I thought to myself, Wait! I asked for a child under 4! But I felt such love for the child that I decided I was willing to consider it and wondered if this was really what the Lord had for us.

The best part of the pregnancy and adoption dreams was a common element in both: an immense feeling of joy. Ecstatic joy. Excited happy delight. The feeling was so similar in each of the dreams.

Who knows what they mean but I find dreams like these significant in some way and like to record them. Anyone gifted in dream interpretration?

Pregnancy Dream

Last week I dreamt I was suddenly about six months pregnant. Not sure how that happened but the weird part was that my belly was transparent and I could see my baby clearly. The remarkable part of the dream was the emotions I experienced. I was ecstatic. I was SO happy to learn of a baby growing inside that all I could do was hold my belly and smile and talk to my baby. I was so hopeful and happy but with an apparent tinge of worry that all would remain healthy and well until delivery. Then it occured to me that I only have a few months to decide where I would give birth and who would be my attendant.

I'm still holding out for this miracle someday while at the same time greatly anticipating the arrival of our adopted children. Recently I decided I would be like the persistent widow in the parable told by Jesus that illustrated to his disciples that they should always pray and not give up. In the story, a widow kept going to the house of a judge with a plea that he grant her justice against her adversary. The judge did not respect or honor God nor did he care what others thought so for a while he kept turning the widow away. Finally, only because the widow had become so bothersome the judge decided to give her what she asked for so that she would just leave him alone.

Jesus used this as an illustration to demonstrate that if an unjust judge grants justice why would God not bring justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night? He will not keep putting them off. He will make sure they get what they ask for.

At the end of this parable Jesus says, "When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Everytime I read this parable I felt this last line was out of place because I couldn't see how it applied to the story. However recently I realized that it must be there for a reason and so I feel I may have discovered why he said that. I realize that we demonstrate our faith in God when we ask him for things that seem impossible to us and to the world and culture in which we live. I believe he wants us to ask and to keep asking because it shows Him that we really believe Him; that we take him at his word; that we believe he not only can do what we ask but he actually wants to and will if we choose to trust him for it. As soon as we turn to other means and other ways, thereby putting our hope in other things, we are saying to God that we don't think he can or will do it.

So I've decided to continually cry out to God for this. Believing that he is able to do what he promised. Just like Abraham did: "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall our offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that Go had power to do what he had promised."

Waiting

I know the Lord has his timing and I know He is working in and through the circumstances of our fertility and adoption and I know that I'm trying to finish a midwifery degree that will most certainly not be completed before Spring next year but I just keep getting these surges of impatience! I want my children and I want them NOW! I'm reading books about motherhood and parenting. I'm praying. I'm identifying areas that I will likely struggle with when I'm a mom and I'm forming plans to deal with them in a healthy way. I'm preparing myself to lay down my claim on my time and my rights. How much more ready can I be??? When Lord, when?? How much longer!? I don't want to look at another cute Filipino toddler. I don't want to look at another cute Filipino baby. I don't want to look at other families and their happy family times. Have mercy Lord! I don't want to hold another baby until I'm holding mine! I've waited so long and I've been so patient...

Forgive me for that emotional outburst. It's just been building up for a little while and I just needed to get that out.

On that note, I read something encouraging in the book, A Mother's Heart: A look at values, vision, and character for the Christian mother by Jean Fleming. I've read 3/4 of it and I can already highly recommend it - especially if you already have kids. I have many other things I'd like to share about the book but today I just want to focus on one rather encouraging part. Here's an excerpt:

Waiting on God - For Children

"Before I was pregnant with Matthew, I studied the lives of biblical women who had waited for a child. These women were Sarah, the mother of Isaac; Hannah, the mother of Samual; Rebekah, the mother of Jacob; Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist; and Samson's mother. From my study I gained a conviction that every child comes from God and ought to live for God's purposes.

Each of these women was initially barren. They waited and waited to conceive a child. Since failure to bear a child in their culture was often considered a curse, they experienced torment and ridicule. All of them endured a painful wait. Two of them - Sarah and Elizabeth - reached old age before conceiving.

Was it really necessary for these women to experience the agony of a long wait? Yes, there was a purpose.

God had something special in mind. He wanted to give each of these mothers a special child - a child with a specific purpose - and He wanted to receive the glory. Everyone must know that God did it. The awe and wonder of conception is often lost on us, since almost anyone can conceive - rich or poor, educated or uneducated, godly or ungodly. We can easily forget the part God plays in every birth.

Unless a sense of wonder accompanies parenthood, we may either take our responsibility too lightly or else cling too tightly to our children. God knows that withholding children often produces a different mentality in a waiting mother- or father-to-be.

I wonder if Abraham could have laid his son Isaac on the altar if the long wait had not prepared his heart. Would Hannah have given her beloved young Samuel to God's service if he had come much earlier? Did the wait produce a conviction that Samuel came from God and should live for God's purposes, a conviction she otherwise might not have experienced?

Perhaps another reason God allowed these mothers to endure a long wait was to lay a groundwork of prayer. They knew that these children were children of purpose and promise, and undoubtedly each of them was much prayed for."

I feel like I can relate to the desperate cries of Hannah in 1 Samuel who poured out her soul to the Lord out of her great anguish and grief.

I was so delighted when I read this part of the book because I have never read anything like it before. It resonated with me because I believe God has told me on several different occasions that he has a purpose in the waiting. I may never know exactly what that reason is but I am encouraged to once again be reminded that what I'm experiencing and have experienced in the past 4 1/2 years has not been a random waste of time. God is building something in us. He is preparing us for something. I have already noticed that my faith is much stronger and has more depth than it would had we gotten pregnant in 2004 like we had planned. Of course God can see what we can not. So I'm hoping in his wisdom and his unfathomable, huge-scale, x-ray vision. One who is wise, all-knowing, all-seeing and loving? Ok. He's got it covered. I can chill out now.

I really believe God is going to perform a miracle for Andrey and I like he did for each of those women in the bible mentioned here. In fact, in the past month we have received two more prophetic words about us conceiving a child. My brother and sister-in-law were praying for us recently and really felt God was going to bless us with a child - and my brother felt specifically that it was going to be a girl. They told us this while we were in the US. Then, when we returned to Cebu our friend at church said he recently had a vision of us and we had a daughter. He said she was very beautiful and that she looked like me. These aren't the only words we have received from the Lord. Even years ago, as friends have prayed and encouraged us, we were told several times that as they prayed, they got the sense that it was going to happen and that we shouldn't be discouraged.

And why is that 9 out of 10 people, after we tell them we are adopting, tell us about some one they know who adopted and then not long after found out they were miraculously pregnant? I can't tell you how often I hear that story over and over again. It's bizarre.

I am almost to the point where I can say that I know it's going to happen. It's only a matter of time. Besides, what about this?

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

In my adult mind, I doubt. But with the simplicity of a child's faith, I choose to believe. Why wouldn't it happen? Nothing is impossible with God. And if Sarah and Elizabeth can get pregnant when they are old women then I can have faith enough to get pregnant despite our circumstances - no matter how ridiculous it seems.

More on Adoption & Being Ready for Motherhood

In the past week or two I've found myself more comfortable with referring to our future adopted children as "our kids." I feel like I can almost imagine who they are. I can clearly imagine two. Siblings. A boy and a girl perhaps? That is less clear. I can't imagine their ages. Part of me really hopes for a baby but I'm trying not to get too excited about that for fear of disappointment.

Perhaps I'm just making all that up but when my parents were visiting my father encouraged us to be specific when praying and asking for children. So I've been thinking about what my "ideal" option would be. It sounds weird but I thought it couldn't hurt. After all, I'm not getting my heart too set on any one specific thing and I know I can not limit God's plan by dreaming and praying. It's not like I'm going out to buy a double stroller with a baby carrier attachment.

While in Alabama I had a long conversation with my parents' neighbor. She and her husband adopted a toddler from the Ukraine. She said something that struck me. She said that she just knew that God had created her son specifically for their family. At first I found I couldn't agree completely as I believe God does not intend for families to not be able to care for their children or for a mother or father to choose to abandon a child. But what I've come to embrace as my own view is the belief that our children were created with Andrey and me in mind.

That has brought me to the place where I feel free to refer to those children (whoever and wherever they are) as ours... and mine. This has helped me in praying for them. I find I am already becoming connected to them in some way. I think about more often than before.

My prayer for them is this. That they would experience God's love, somehow. That God would reveal himself to them and that they would know him, even as very young children. That they would experience his comfort and love - despite their care situation but ideally through the loving touch and attentiveness of their carers. I pray the Lord be with them in a close, personal way. That they know his peace, his joy, his comfort, his protection and security.

Even as I write this I hear the voices of doubt hovering just below the surface of my mind saying,

"That's not possible. How can that be? That's unrealistic. You're asking too much."

But that's what hope and faith look like. Believing for the impossible knowing that God desires to bless us with more than we can even ask for or imagine. (I still think I'll be pregnant one day.) For I firmly believe that he is trustworthy and faithful in all he does. And that those whose help is from God, whose hope is in the Lord, are blessed. And those who put their hope in the Lord will not be disappointed. These are the truths that have carried me through our struggle with infertility and I choose to believe them - not because it feels good to believe them but because I personally know the God behind those promises and I know from experience that he. really. is. good. So how can I go wrong?

It's not that I believe that no way are our children going to grieve or struggle with attachment or face challenges common to adopted children. Those issues just seem reasonable to me for children who experience tremendous amounts of loss and uncertainty before and through the process of adoption. So I'm doing what I can to prepare myself for these things so I'm not blind-sided and left without resources to deal with them.

And at the same time I am holding out hope for having a relatively positive adjustment period. I've read about particularly resilient children that seem to be able to deal with transition and change shockingly well. But regardless, I feel confident that whatever we are faced with, (and I do expect trials!) we are going to be able to handle - with God's help and with reasonable preparation and support from others.

So I declare these truths over our children:

Though [your] father and mother forsake [you], the Lord will receive [you]. Psalm 27:10

The Lord will keep you from all harm. He will watch over your life, the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121:7-8

At times I really feel like something is missing. In the last month or two especially I've become aware of this place in me that feels ready. I feel more than ready. I want my children. I want them with us. I want to be the one to care for them. They belong with us. At times I've tapped into this deep place within me that groans in anticipation. I am becoming a mother.

Last week there were signs that the time may have been right to try and make a baby. I mean, why not? And then it occurred to me. If I were to (miraculously) become pregnant, our adoption process would end. I was suddenly aware of my desire for those Filipino kids I've already set my heart on. I choose them.

At church on Sunday there was a baby dedication. My first thought was how I want so badly to dedicate our children to the Lord in this church. The desire was so strong I had to fight hard to keep from crying. So I prayed for that specifically. As my father encouraged me recently and as it has been said, "You have not because you ask not."

That's it. It's out there. It's really out there.

At some point today the Philippines government became aware or our intention to adopt a Filipino child or two. Our home study, which was recently completed and more recently approved and endorsed by our adoption agency was submitted to the Inter-Country Adoption Board of the Philippines. That's it. Now they have it. It's out there. Out of our hands.
I'm finding the uncertain nature of the time-line until we actually become parents unsettling. Although it's not likely (so we are told), we could technically be matched with a child in 6 months! Alternatively, it could be 12 months, 18 months, or even 24 months. How do you prepare for something like this?

Maybe it's like living with the awareness of your mortality. Sure, we all know we should love today as if it were our last - oh boy, now I'm comparing adoption to death, not at all my intention just stick with me. My point is that we don't usually live today as if it were our last but if we actually knew for a fact that we were going to die tomorrow we would certainly live differently - taking advantage of every opportunity and not wasting time on things that aren't important.

What I'm getting at here is my midwifery degree. I REALLY want to complete my program (set end of 2009) and pass a licensing exam (set for early 2010) and become a midwife. Even if I won't be able to practice as a midwife for a while - at least I will have the credential that will allow me to step into it when the time is right. Completing my degree is very attainable if our adoption is typical of other Philippines adoptions. It's attainable if I continue to work at it at a reasonable pace. Now let's say that I become a mommy sooner than I think (prior to 2010). I would have to work much harder at getting it done sooner.

The other thing is that with the midwifery stuff I have very little time to delve deeply into adoption preparation resources right now. Up until this point I've felt like I have some time so it's okay if I don't dive into it right away. But if I knew I was getting a child in a few months I think I'd wished I did more reading earlier. I really should be focusing more on that right now just in case.

I think I may have a hard time switching gears from one time-consuming goal to another. It's hard to go back and forth. At least with midwifery, I get more assignments done when I build up some momentum but once I take a break because of travel or a visitor in town or something then it really takes me a while to get back into it. Isn't multi-tasking a prerequisite for successful parenting? What does that say about me? Obviously with kids it will be different as you can't just leave a kid on your desk and pretend you don't see it.

I am so excited about having children that I am more than willing, at that point to throw midwifery out the window - at least for a little while until we adjust as a family. I know I'll still be able to finish my degree at a later date if we do get a child before the end of '09 - but will I want to? I really have no idea what I'm going to want later on. I know I will want to take care of my kids and not have to squeeze school in somehow. I think midwifery will be an excellent way to serve the poor in other places we may live or to have a practice in North America should we live there again. But I don't envision myself working a lot while our kids are young. A little at some point would be great but not a lot. And then when our kids are older then I might consider a midwifery practice. Oh heck I really have no idea. Normally I am totally fine with uncertainty and not knowing what is next - but that's when it was only me and Andrey in the equation. Having kids is going to change everything. The question is, how much do I change now - in the anticipation of having kids at some unknown date?