burdens, blessings and something about love

My blogging has been spotty. I feel compelled to write something so I'm just going to start and see what comes out. I think sometimes I don't blog because I feel I don't have anything "good enough" to share. It's as if it needs to be a polished thought or an impressive post. I wish this wasn't so because sometimes I just need to write. I do reserve my journal for times like that as it is a place I can write more freely but I'd like to get better at doing a bit more of that here. One reason for that is that my favorite blogs are the ones that are real, raw and unpolished. They're just about life. And life, in its truest sense, is that. Raw. Real. Unpolished. Ugly, even. And, as this post turned out, corny. So at the risk of not sounding as cool and smart as I wish I was, I will ramble a bit about what has been occupying my time and thoughts these days and not waste time trying to make it sound good...

Lately I've been burdened. Burdened in one of the few positive ways one can be burdened. Burdened and compelled to pray, and compelled to treasure the numerous, abundant blessings in my life.

I am burdened by the sufferings of friends I know, of people I don't know and of things that are far-removed such as what I read about online or in the news. I can vascillate between feeling numb or feeling too much in reaction to what's going on around me. Lately it's been the latter. Here are a few examples of the things a little closer to home that make me feel deeply sobered to the realities of life...

I have a friend in Oregon whose 22-month-old son fell through a screen from the third floor of their town home onto his head on the concrete. He's hanging on but the extent of the damage is unclear at this point. Everyday I read her blog to get the latest update and hear her pour out her heart that is grieving, struggling, angry, and so, so sad that her son may never be the same again.

I have a friend at church whose 10-year-old son had brain surgery a week ago for bleeding in his brain after symptoms of a concussion weren't attended to while he was boxing in a neighborhood gym. He was encouraged to keep boxing and ended up unconscious. 10-years-old. His mother is 28 and 7-months-pregnant. Her 8th pregnancy in 11 years. They are very, very poor. Neither parent has a job. Thankfully the gym is paying for all of their son's expenses because there is just no way they could afford any of the care he's received. He woke up from a coma two days ago, thank God but the damage in his brain is yet to be determined.

One of the long-term midwives at Glory Reborn desperately wanted to get pregnant after she married. A year went by, and then another. So many of us prayed with and for her that she'd be blessed with a baby. And then it happened! And there was much joy and rejoicing and hope and excitement - especially on the part of Tina and her husband Vincent. Tina delivered a baby girl last month, "Hannah Monique." After birth, baby Hannah was rushed into surgery for a severe diaphragmatic hernia (the contents of her abdomen were displaced up into her chest cavity, restricting adequate growth and development of her heart and lungs). Everything that could possibly have been done was done but she didn't make it. Tina and Vincent were and are devastated.

I am sorry to depress you. These are just a few things/people that I think about a lot lately. The good side of this has been some of the moments in the past week that I have felt urged to soak up, inhale, take note of, revel in, and enjoy. Most of which have involved being with Andrey. Definitely the best thing in my life these days (& the past 7 years), is my relationship with Andrey. I really enjoyed hanging out with him this past weekend. Not that we don't usually enjoy spending time together, because we do. Time with Andrey - talking, eating, laughing, being silly - is one of the most life-giving things in my life and for some reason this weekend, even though it was full of ordinary life, just felt extra special.

Andrey typically isn't comfortable with being affectionate in public. I'm not talking about making out here. Ick. Not in public. We've become part Asian in that sense as we find ourselves very uncomfortable with inappropriate public displays of affection such as groping and necking. No, I'm talking about holding hands or walking with arms around each other. I love that stuff. I realize it's one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, for Andrey to put his arm around me in public or want to hold my hand - more so in public because for me it means SO much that Andrey is compelled to express his love, not only just for me but for others to see. It sends the message to me that I am loved, wanted, special and that he's not ashamed to show it that I am his. I love it so much. Last weekend Andrey was uncharacteristically "lovie" with me in public. Once or even twice in the mall he reached over and kissed me on the forehead and smiled at me affectionately. I was beaming. I could have just melted into a soppy puddle right then and there in the pet shop. Few things make me feel happier or more loved.

Perhaps it's the fact that we know these days of just the two of us are fleeting and should be taken advantage of. Or perhaps it's the Lord further strengthening our marriage because we're going to need to be strong and united for the imminent parenting challenge ahead. Perhaps it's the awareness of how tragedy could strike at any time. As others can attest, life is just moving along and then BAM! - it's changed, forever. So I sat in the middle bench seat the other night when Andrey was taking me to work so we could be close and I told him how thankful I was that he's alive and doesn't have an unknown extent of brain damage. Time lately has been extra sweet and I am thankful. So, so thankful for all that we have. So thankful for my best friend. The guy I will team up with in this parenting thing soon enough and for the rest of my life, should the Lord bless us with that.

Part of the fun lately is seeing each other scold our cat Gerald when he does something he's not supposed to - like pee in our plants or scratch up our furniture. I was so entertained seeing Andrey run after Gerald, yelling his name scornfully. I too must look ridiculous when I suddenly get up from my chair to grab the spray bottle of water to discipline a silly little cat, provoked by his latest offense. I mentioned to Andrey something like this, "Man it's gonna be entertaining seeing each other lose our cool with our kids someday. I'm sure I'm going to find it hard not to laugh!" These are the things we look forward to, I guess.

I realize this post has turned corny. But love is corny so I don't care. God has given me a gift greater than I could ever have dreamed up myself. I am savoring and relishing this relationship; this partnership; this friendship. I want to combat the lie that all marriages eventually dry up and aren't fun anymore at some point. What a lie! Marriage is wonderful! We're coming up on our 7th anniversary and I'm still crazy for my nerdy husband!

I realize that if God could give me such a wonderful gift in Andrey, that I expect I will think the same of our future children. I know there will be times when I realize how perfect our adopted children are for our family and how precious they are. Times when I will be filled with love for them and with joy for God's amazingly creative goodness to us - how they were specifically chosen for and meant for our family. I'm really looking forward to that but am also really enjoying today.

We can't expect or demand a life without tragedy or suffering. Not in this world. In fact, living in the developing world has made me baffled at how little suffering I have experienced and how unbelievable that is when the majority of people in the world seem to have so many, inexplicably more serious daily challenges. That's one of the most significant things I've learned since moving overseas - that my life, my experience of life actually represents life of the minority NOT the majority. The majority of humans in this world live with much more pain, suffering, and discomfort. To my surprise, many are full of joy and life, despite the awful tragedies they have had to endure. I am amazed at this. I know that I am to enjoy today, enjoy what God has for me today. Lately, that is a whole lot.