Letter to our Child

Dear Sweet Child,

As we wait for you, I know you are already ours. I know you are out there. You may be just a few kilometers away or you may be on another island in a different part of this country. I don't know your name or your face yet but you already have life inside our hearts. There isn't a day that goes by that we do not think about you.

I often daydream about you. I wonder who is taking care of you and what you are doing and feeling. I wonder what hurts you are are carrying and how they have affected you. I think about the joy we will have when we see you grow and develop as you receive love and healing.

I think about what our days will be like when you and I have all day to spend together while your daddy is at work. I know that I will be the one to take care of you and we will find fun things to do together. I think about the weekends when both your daddy and I get to spend time with you and what good times we will have. Your daddy is very fun to be with. You are going to really like being with him. I know that we will do a lot of laughing together.

I pray for you every day. I pray that you know that you are loved and wanted, that you are special and have value, and that you have a home waiting for you. I pray that Jesus is very near to you, watching over you and speaking words of Life to you. I pray that you know you were created for a purpose and that Jesus and your Mommy and your Daddy love you very much. I pray that the people who are taking care of you are doing a good job and showing you love.

Your daddy and I have waited so long for you. We can't wait for the day we finally meet you and hold you in our arms. There is no other child that we want but you. It's only a matter of time till we are together.

Love,

Mommy

Jenifer Sawchenko, CPM... I like the look of that!

I'm a Certified Professional Midwife!!

Word of my official certification arrived in the mail this week to my parent's house. I am delighted to say that I'm a bona fide midwife and it feels good.

In case you were wondering, I have included a description of a CPM from the NARM website:

A Certified Professional Midwife (CPM) is a knowledgeable, skilled and professional independent midwifery practitioner who has met the standards for certification set by the North American Registry of Midwives (NARM) and is qualified to provide the Midwives Model of Care. The CPM is the only international credential that requires knowledge about and experience in out-of-hospital settings.

The Midwives Model of Care is based on the fact that pregnancy and birth are normal life events. The Midwives Model of Care includes:

• monitoring the physical, psychological and social well-being of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle;
• providing the mother with individualized education, counseling and prenatal care, continuous hands-on assistance during labor and delivery and postpartum support;
• minimizing technological interventions; and
• identifying and referring women who require obstetrical attention.

The application of this model has been proven to reduce the incidence of birth injury, trauma and cesarean section.

Copyright © 1996-2001, Midwifery Task Force All Rights Reserved

Empty Nest

I have a new schedule at the clinic. I now only work on Friday and Sunday - usually night shift from 10 to 7. No more 12 hour shifts. This, along with the fact that we have pretty much done everything we can to get our home ready for our child, has left me with a bit of extra unexpected time on my hands lately. This past week I haven't known what to do with myself. For the first time in years I felt like I did during my first year in Thailand. Bored. A little lonely. Slightly depressed. I've avoided thinking about it much and have instead tried to push through with getting stuff done that I've been putting off and making plans to be useful during this strange period of time of unknown length till we become parents. (I do have a few things in the works, which are sure to keep me busy but just haven't gotten going yet.)

I think the extra alone time the past few weeks and the empty days have really magnified the state of our quiet, childless home. I was feeling quite positive about my last days of childlessness last week but this week, I have swung the other way - moping around the house thinking about our child, and feeling like my days are pointless. I think I am beginning to feel a real, tangible empty space in our home and hearts for this unknown child. Not that I am lacking something emotionally and in need of a child to fill in an unhealthy, co-dependent way - I don't think that's it. I don't know how else to describe it. It just feels so obvious that something is missing. Perhaps it's the knowing our child is out there. I am 90% sure he/she is alive and being cared for by someone else and here I am available, with empty arms in a quiet house.

I think I've done relatively well with the wait so far but if this week is any indication of how the rest of the wait is going to be, it may be safe to say that this is getting more difficult for me. But it's a different kind of difficult. Before it was us wanting children in general and having to wait but now it is us already having a child that just hasn't been given to us yet. It's as if I'm in this place of experiencing emptiness and lack so that the being filled is that much sweeter (this is the hopeful way of looking at it) - like when we sometimes go through times of desert and dryness spiritually only to be filled again, and how those dark times better enable us to experience joy. I suppose this undercurrent of sad emptiness is just the discernible presence of a vacancy designed for something wonderful, yet to come, soon to be filled. God I hope It's not long. I'm starting to get tired of hearing myself talk about this.

Rain and some Exercise Success

Oh thank God hot season has come to an end! For the past few weeks we haven't needed the electric fan in addition to the air-con in our bedroom at night. It's starting raining in the middle of the night and here and there during the day. The middle-of-the-night rains are heavy, loud downpours that usually wake us up. I usually find them a bit frightening but I think part of that is because of my half-asleep-half-awake state in which the forcefulness of the rain feels as if it is going to sweep us away. It's still really hot during the day but at least the trend of cloudy days is beginning. This is the Cebu I can handle.

On a totally different topic, for the past three weeks, I have been exercising almost daily. Yep, daily. I can't recall many times, if ever, in my life when I've exercised daily (except those long-gone high school days of running track, cheerleading and strength training classes, which is where I got these [insert sarcastic tone] sweet-looking biceps I still have - ha ha!!).

I'm on a bit of a roll, I guess. It finally occurred to me about a month or so ago that exercise just isn't going to be convenient. I have to prioritize it and go out of my way to make it happen. Ideally, if consistent enough, it will become a habit. I know several people who are good at this and I've always convinced myself that those people have some special skill or ability that I don't. But then I started watching The Biggest Loser. I love this show. It is so inspiring. It's caused me to have a new dialogue. I now say to myself, If the people on that show can do it, then I for sure can do it!! No excuse, Jenifer!

And then I discovered exercise videos that can be purchased and downloaded on itunes. I mean, of course exercise videos are available on itunes, it's just that I never thought about it before. I was so happy to realize this because history has shown that I am much more likely to exercise regularly if I don't have to get in my car and drive somewhere to do it.

I am currently doing the "30 Day Shred" video and essentially have been working out for 20 minutes a day, 5-6 days a week. I am hoping I can keep it up. After joining my friend in India for a 20 minute workout led by Jillian Michaels (trainer on The Biggest Loser) in her home on her computer, I was inspired to do the same in my home. Doing that video also showed me how weak I really am. My irregular workouts at the gym and occasional jog-walks at the local running track just weren't cutting it. Go figure.

Andrey and I recently went to a local business park for a run. Andrey previously mapped out a 2.5km route. He has gone a few times without me to run around it twice. I went along for the first time a few weeks ago and was able to run once around the loop without stopping. Yes, I know 2.5 km, which is about 1.5 miles, may not seem like much but considering I usually never run for longer than a few minutes at a time without having to stop, I felt pretty good about running the whole thing without stopping. I have always despised running but I suppose it's something I can do if I work at it. For now, I am aiming to run the same route a week and try to improve on my time and eventually distance. I get bored pretty easily and need variety in exercise, so the occasional run is a nice break from the Jillian Michaels (ass-kicker) "shred."

Training with Jillian has been good for me. When I was running I had some Jillian-inspired self-talk that kept me running to the end. "I am strong and awesome. I can do this. When I get tired, my strong legs will carry me." I just have a disastrous history with exercise but it's something I've really, really wanted to get better at for a really long time. Not because I think I need to lose weight or anything (although I'll be delighted if I can lose 5 pounds so I have a little breathing room in some of my pants that have recently gotten a bit tight) but because it is just SO. EFFING. IMPORTANT! I've known this, of course, for a really long time, but haven't been able to carry through and be consistent.

But now (ever since I identified and treated the anemia I was dealing with unknowingly for many years), I am experience some success when I exercise. I feel stronger and my energy levels have gone up. I am so stoked about this! I wasn't noticing much change at first and I was beginning to get discouraged and then Andrey and I played tennis together last weekend and I was able to play longer with less need for breaks to catch my breath. Yes! All this motivates me to keep it up.

So the fact that my goal is a mere 20 minutes a day, it helps me push through and get it done. When I try to put it off and my lazy mind starts to kick in, I just tell myself, It's TWENTY minutes. It will be over soon. And then I think about drinking a delicious post-workout banana and yogurt milkshake (yummy!) as a reward and so I push through and get it done.

The Last Days of Childlessness (0-12 months to go!)

I realized something this morning. These are the last days of childlessness. These are the last days in this unexpectedly long journey to become a mommy. You could say this journey started six years ago when Andrey and I decided we were ready to start trying for a child, but in reality this journey began when I realized as a child that I would one day be a mommy. Of course I would. The desire has been there for decades and I never considered it being any other way.

I recall being in my early-mid 20's and experiencing for the first time a physical ache to bear a child whenever I was around a baby. I guess that was the biological clock chiming in. I always knew I'd have a child someday. I just didn't think it would take this long.

So this realization I had this morning, that these are the LAST DAYS of childlessness, brought to mind the fact that although this wait is long, it WILL come to an end - likely in the next six months! And if not in the next 6 months, then in the next year for SURE*. In the big picture, and considering how long we've waited so far, this is not much time left. The light at the end of the tunnel is in view and is steadily getting bigger as we get closer.

*On June 8th, we will be 18 months into our projected wait of 18-30 months (we were previously told 12-24 months but that has recently changed). Several families in the past month were matched after waiting ~24 months. We are hoping that will be the case for us as well.

In these days, I am praying that God would prepare us for the child(ren) he has planned for us, and that he would be preparing that child for our family. I am not expecting a "normal" child. I believe all adopted children have some degree of special needs, considering the amount of loss they have experienced in the process of becoming an orphan. Most adopted children have some level of developmental delay and many have attachment issues. I believe with good care, most of these children can catch up and learn to bond effectively (these things are very interrelated, as a child's ability to bond and attach set up the necessary context in which they are able to properly grow and develop). Aside from the best-case scenario described above, I have learned that there may be some more severe "special needs" present, such as mild to severe physical and neurological disabilities. On our adoption group, I have heard of many families who applied for a "normal" child and learned some time after they received their child that one or more significant conditions were present - that were either unidentifiable at a young age or were not discovered due to lack of adequate medical care. Some of these conditions are such that if known previously, would classify the child as "special needs."

These stories and others remind me that, just like with a biological child, you do not know what you will be faced with. And while we hope and pray that our child will have the least issues possible, the prayer I pray more frequently is that we would be prepared to accept and love our child regardless of his/her issues and that we would have the grace, wisdom, compassion and strength it will take to properly care for that child. For we are not guaranteed an easy road. What this long wait has taught me is that my joy and fulfillment in life is not contingent on things working out the way I expect. My joy is rooted in faith in my God who is good, loving, faithful, all-powerful and who will equip me with everything I need to accomplish and fulfill what he has prepared for me. He is my anchor and my hope is in him.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23