The Last Days of Childlessness (0-12 months to go!)

I realized something this morning. These are the last days of childlessness. These are the last days in this unexpectedly long journey to become a mommy. You could say this journey started six years ago when Andrey and I decided we were ready to start trying for a child, but in reality this journey began when I realized as a child that I would one day be a mommy. Of course I would. The desire has been there for decades and I never considered it being any other way.

I recall being in my early-mid 20's and experiencing for the first time a physical ache to bear a child whenever I was around a baby. I guess that was the biological clock chiming in. I always knew I'd have a child someday. I just didn't think it would take this long.

So this realization I had this morning, that these are the LAST DAYS of childlessness, brought to mind the fact that although this wait is long, it WILL come to an end - likely in the next six months! And if not in the next 6 months, then in the next year for SURE*. In the big picture, and considering how long we've waited so far, this is not much time left. The light at the end of the tunnel is in view and is steadily getting bigger as we get closer.

*On June 8th, we will be 18 months into our projected wait of 18-30 months (we were previously told 12-24 months but that has recently changed). Several families in the past month were matched after waiting ~24 months. We are hoping that will be the case for us as well.

In these days, I am praying that God would prepare us for the child(ren) he has planned for us, and that he would be preparing that child for our family. I am not expecting a "normal" child. I believe all adopted children have some degree of special needs, considering the amount of loss they have experienced in the process of becoming an orphan. Most adopted children have some level of developmental delay and many have attachment issues. I believe with good care, most of these children can catch up and learn to bond effectively (these things are very interrelated, as a child's ability to bond and attach set up the necessary context in which they are able to properly grow and develop). Aside from the best-case scenario described above, I have learned that there may be some more severe "special needs" present, such as mild to severe physical and neurological disabilities. On our adoption group, I have heard of many families who applied for a "normal" child and learned some time after they received their child that one or more significant conditions were present - that were either unidentifiable at a young age or were not discovered due to lack of adequate medical care. Some of these conditions are such that if known previously, would classify the child as "special needs."

These stories and others remind me that, just like with a biological child, you do not know what you will be faced with. And while we hope and pray that our child will have the least issues possible, the prayer I pray more frequently is that we would be prepared to accept and love our child regardless of his/her issues and that we would have the grace, wisdom, compassion and strength it will take to properly care for that child. For we are not guaranteed an easy road. What this long wait has taught me is that my joy and fulfillment in life is not contingent on things working out the way I expect. My joy is rooted in faith in my God who is good, loving, faithful, all-powerful and who will equip me with everything I need to accomplish and fulfill what he has prepared for me. He is my anchor and my hope is in him.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23

Adoption Stories

This past weekend at the conference we attended I was blown away by the many people I met who have adopted internationally. It felt like all the adoptive families were coming out of the woodwork to find me and tell me their story and that they are praying for us. I felt so blessed and encouraged.

Two stories in particular, really encouraged me. (I won't go into much detail as I haven't asked permission to share their stories.)

I met a woman, similar age to me, married a similar number of years, no biological children, who adopted internationally a year ago. She and her husband went to the Eastern Europe planning to bring home two children and ended up with four. Her story was rich with joy and thankfulness for what God has done. Meeting her reminded me to remain open to whatever the Lord has for us in this adoption - be it one or two (or more!) children. This came at a good time as I have been stressing out lately about the idea of two children, not feeling sure I'm ready for it if it happens. Her story has put this in perspective for me. Meeting her was great as she's the first adoptive mother I'm met that doesn't already have a biological child. I could really relate to her.

Andrey and I were introduced to an American couple who struggled for years to have a baby. They have endured a huge amount of loss in their journey to become parents. They shared with us how they were presented with a choice between continuing to pursue fertility or applying for a job that may take them overseas to a country where fertility specialists are not available. They prayed and made the difficult decision to relinquish their hopes of a successful pregnancy in order to follow where they felt God was leading them. Not long after, they were shocked to learn that she had become pregnant for the first time without the help of fertility treatment and she is currently well into her pregnancy. A total miracle! Even though I was meeting this couple for the first time I couldn't help but tear up when I heard their story. I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness. We then shared a bit of our story with them and they prayed for us and our desire to become parents, which really blessed us. Another divine connection.

These are just a few experiences from this past weekend that served to remind us that our Creator is so involved in every detail of our lives and our hopes for a family. It confirmed to me that we are exactly where we are meant to be. There is much more to share but the point is that when we release our deep desires to God and let him bring about his purpose in our lives in his timing and in his way, there is a greater joy and blessing in it than if we hold tightly to our plans and make them happen in our own strength. I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him
and he will direct your paths
Proverbs 3:5-6

To Really Live...

Some days I feel I am wasting precious time. Something tells me it's because I am. I can get so wrapped up in "my life" that being challenged to go out of my way for another offends me. Sure it is easy to serve the people I really like - anyone can do that - but to serve those not in my immediate circle and those who are not easy to love? Oh the wretchedness of self! As a Christian I have erroneously believed that I'd reached this place of selflessness and once there, I was changed forever - immune to the onslaughts of self. Oh how wrong this is.

How quickly I forget my desperate need for Christ - his resurrection power, his Spirit - and how essential staying tapped into it is, to being willing to lay down my life. Clearly, left to my own devices, I end up living according to the default modus operandis. My default m.o. is that of self. Self-centered, self-focused, straight up selfishness. Sometimes I put a convincing shiny gloss over it and try to call it something else but deep down I know what it really is.

I can not passively expect transformation to selflessness. The only way to combat selfishness is to actively choose daily to live according to a different force. The power of the Spirit. Only then can I follow Jesus' example and live like he did, literally pouring out his life for the broken, the hurting, the prisoners, the exploited - those in bondage to sin and culture and generational curses and poverty.

The same power that raised Christ from the dead supposedly lives in me. Do I really believe this? Sadly, my life doesn't always make that fact clear. It's not enough to know it's there. I have to choose daily to access it and live according to it. Only then will I be able to see and hear the words and leading of the One who calls me beloved. Only then will I have the courage and selflessness to act.

Jesus said,

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

I've never liked this verse. It's too challenging. Too difficult to understand (is it?). Surely it must not mean what it sounds like it means. I have rationalized and diluted its meaning for years. I all too often tend to give and serve when it's convenient. I give out of my abundance and then pat myself on the back when I do. Blech!

But today, what I am hearing is that I must not spend my energy on protecting this life of mine, to build it up, to improve it, to save it - strictly for the comfort of it. No. I must give it away. Lay it down. For me this begins with laying down my to-do list, my schedule, what I guard and regard as "my time." It also means living with less and giving away more.

Everywhere I look it's the same message.

"Those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples" Luke 14: 33

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant..." Philippians 2:1-7

"Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did." 1 John 2:6

"This how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:16-18

I have believed for some time that I should wait until these things come naturally - until I am compelled by my compassion to act. And at times I do. I am learning that this doesn't always just happen and when it does, it not often enough. I have to decide it and takes steps toward it and structure my life in a way that is conducive to laying it down.

[By the way, I am not talking about working to earn my salvation. For I "have been saved by grace, through faith - and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) I know this well for it was heavily stamped into my mind as a child when I memorized this verse at church in Awana. Frankly, the emphasis on this verse freed me from feeling guilty about my life not looking any different after I "got saved." I was taught that if any "works" were of the wrong motivation, they would just be "filthy rags" before the Lord (from Isaiah 64: 6). This was a good thing to learn. Of course we can not earn God's love or our salvation but for some reason something I heard made me think it didn't matter that much about how I lived, as long as I really knew I was saved. I had heard somewhere that if I doubted my salvation, it meant I wasn't really saved and so I did my best to feel sure. I must have "prayed the sinner's prayer" numerous times in those early years. Besides the basic issues of moral behavior (no swearing, no drinking, no sex before marriage), the only imperative I knew about after I received Jesus and for many years afterward, was evangelism. You as a Christian must do this - regardless of how loving or unloving you go about it. (After trying unsuccessfully to convert my friends and get them to pray the sinners prayer in junior high, I promptly gave up and opted for being cool, which at the time, was easier for me to attain. I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt over the years for never having gotten anyone "saved." What a failure. For most of my youth I just went along living my nominal Christian life like my friends did and sadly like I saw other Christians doing. After all, I'm saved aren't I? So what's wrong with having a little fun?) But what about the very next verse in Ephesians? Why didn't we memorize this as well as it is clearly an integral and connected part of this passage? "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."!!! Ephesians 2:10]

What about that?? Are we just wooden pieces that get moved around by God the Grand Chess Player as one of his pawns? I don't believe so. He has given us the ability to choose and decide. We have our will after all. And there are always consequences to our decisions - both positive and negative - that affect us, the people around us, and the world in general.

Is it possible that we might miss out - or more importantly, that others might miss out on experiencing Jesus' life and peace and rescue and healing if we don't act? Although I hate to admit it, I think so.

So am I to go around feverishly trying to help all the broken and hurting people around me? Impossible! I could spend every waking hour of every day for the rest of my life and still not reach them all. So how do I know who to go to in the name of Jesus? Who to encourage, who to pray for, who to share food with, who to help with their medical bills when everywhere I go there are needy people. The main point though, even if I don't get it right all the time, is to do something. The worst thing is to not do anything, which is just so tempting!!!

That is why I must DAILY commune with God's Spirit. So that I can see and hear and act according to that. And also so that I can act out of his power, his love, his rest, and not out of my own strength and striving, which will just end me up jaded, bitter and burnt out. Jesus did what he saw the Father doing. So we also must. And in order to see and hear, we must be looking and listening. We must be willing to risk and practice. And in order to live from his strength and power, we must draw close to him, learning to rest in him daily. I think this is where I continually get off-track. How many times do I have to be reminded of the same thing until I get it!? The key is to not feel condemned and give up but to accept God's mercy and take comfort from the life of amazingly effective ministers like Paul who, in expressing his frustration with the power of the sin nature in his own life said, "What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" And to that he says in the very next verse, "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 7:24-25)

I regularly get wrapped up and distracted by my own needs and desires that I stop looking and listening. And I forget that I need God's strength and so I live out of my own and end up weary. And I have learned not to do something out of obligation or guilt as something done without love is useless. But when I give up all together, this is when I waste precious time. Time that could be used to be Christ incarnate to a hurting, starving, suffering, empty, evil world. How else will the world know God? It's not enough that I go to church on Sunday. It's not enough that my husband works for a Christian organization that seeks justice on behalf of the poor. It's not enough that we live here in the Philippines if I am just going to pass over the poor as I go about my to do list. I'm sick of feeling afraid and making up a million excuses as to why I can't stop and take time to be Jesus to someone in need when it wasn't on my schedule!

God sent Jesus so that humans could experience God in human form. When Jesus was resurrected into heaven he left his work for his followers to do. He sent the Holy Spirit to empower this work. As Christians, we are not only followers, we are his body. As Christ was God made flesh, we are Christ made flesh. We are his hands, his feet, his life, his representatives. The bible and the accounts of Jesus' life are FULL of examples of walking with, living among, and seeking out the poor. Clearly this is important to him.

I think one of the biggest disservices we can do as Christians for other Christians and to the rest of the world is to not live as Jesus lived, thereby giving others a poor example of who Christ really is. Over the years we have met other Christians who are risking their very lives and even the lives of their children to follow Jesus. We have friends who live part of the year in the jungles of Burma, serving displaced people who live daily under the threat of attack by the Burma army. And our other friends who just picked up their family with two young children and moved to a country in central Asia. And not that you have to pick up and move to be faithful to what Jesus is calling you to. Of course there are many, many others we know who are making risks and faithfully and obediently serving Jesus. Their examples speak volumes to us.

Many faithful people in our community here in Cebu (led by the example of Jackie Pullinger) are teaching us, by their example (of course they're not perfect) what it means to be a follower of Jesus as they regularly lay down their lives to serve the poor. These are not well-educated people with theological training. They are people who rely on the the Holy Spirit to reveal truth to them through the bible and then live according to what they learn. Simple as that.

I am seeing faith lived out in a way that looks very close to what I read about in the first five books of the New Testament. It is this example that challenges and spurs me on to grow and change and live according to what my gut tells me - that there is more to this life of faith! It is an example like those we've witnessed that Andrey and I want to be to our children. This is the legacy we desire to pass on. Not safety, not security, not comfort, not mediocrity, not loving only when it's convenient, not giving only when we have enough for ourselves...

Gracious Lord I cry out to you for mercy. For time is short and I don't want to waste any more of it. You have touched and healed my life. You have rescued and saved me. How could I ever repay you? You deserve nothing less than my life laid down and for me to live out that which you have prepared in advance for me. You say we are to love you. That is the greatest commandment. You also say that if we love you, we are to feed your sheep and love our neighbor as our self. Help me Lord! For it's only in YOU that this is possible.

Isaiah 58:6-12 (The Message)

"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again."

Thanksgiving Week, 15 Years Ago

This week marks 15 years since I was diagnosed with cancer and had major abdominal surgery to find out where else the cancer was growing. I remember how unfortunate it was to have to have surgery the week of Thanksgiving, having to miss my favorite family holiday. But it was a different day then.

I was a different person, and my relationship with my parents was just beginning to improve after I had been estranged from them for over a year. In fact, it was my experience with cancer that I attribute the beginning of the reconciliation with my parents. As it turned out (and to my initial horror), I needed them and I couldn't do everything by myself. The entire painful seven days in hospital, not once was I alone. My mom and dad took turns so someone would be with me at all hours. As I recovered and during the months of daily radiation treatments when I couldn't work or go to school and therefore couldn't pay the rent on my apartment, they took me in and cared for me. I had already been living on my own for over two years and was used to taking care of myself, so for me (and my extremely independent spirit) this was really hard.

In time I asked their forgiveness and they did not hesitate to forgive and receive me. Our relationship has only improved since then and I am deeply grateful for their love. They loved me the way Jesus loves us - unconditionally and undeservedly. Like the story of the prodigal son. The father in that story didn't care what his son had done. He desperately wanted his son back and received him with open arms when he finally did return.

Looking back, I realize that having cancer was the beginning of the restoration and reconciliation that has taken place in my life since then. It is a good practice to look back every now and then and recall all that has happened and give thanks for the Lord's grace, mercy, love and goodness. Truth be told, without Jesus, it is scary to think where my life would be today.

I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning....
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
(Excerpts from the 30th Psalm of David)

Getting Closer?

Lately I have felt led to pray more specifically regarding our getting matched with our child(ren). Now that I am done with my midwifery requirements, (yes, as of a week ago all assignments are done and clinical requirements achieved! just an evaluation left and a bunch of paper work to submit!), it's as if I suddenly feel FREE to receive our child now. And with what God recently did in my heart regarding how I viewed adoption, I now feel more ready than ever. According to the average wait times, we have a long way to go but something in me just feels compelled to ask the Lord for a miracle, for something sooner, as Andrey and I and many others sense it is near!

On Monday I met an American woman introduced to me by a mutual friend. She and her husband and their three older kids were in Cebu City because they came to pick up their adopted son. I got to hear all about her experience and how long they waited and who, in her experience, tends to get matched sooner. Some of the info was a little disappointing to hear, like how the adoption board can cause some pretty heavy delays so that some families get really stuck in part of the process, but other info was very promising. I learned that our application likely hasn't even been made available yet to social workers responsible for matching children. I learned that only a chunk of applications approved in certain period of time are up for matching and the next sets of applicants don't get released until those earlier ones are matched. I learned that they like families in which the adopted child is a first child and that any tie to or family background from the Philippines is a huge bonus, meaning these families tend to get chosen by the social workers first. Apparently social workers choose 2 or 3 families as options for a particular child and then it is up to the adoption board to pick out of them.

To me, this is hopeful. Since it seems our application hasn't been released yet, it tells me that perhaps once it does, it may not be long. We might be slightly more desirable given our childless status and the fact that we live in the Philippines. She also told us that she knows of some families who got matched after 9 and 11 months of waiting. (We've been waiting over 8 months.) Although this is less common, it is possible.

In addition, she mentioned that it may be possible for us to get a child younger than I earlier thought because of the new law in the Philippines that makes the abandonment process an administrative one through the Dept. of Social Welfare, rather than a judicial process through the already overloaded court system. Under this new law the time period before a child is considered abandoned has been reduced to a maximum of 3 months from the original minimum of 6 months. Because of this this law, which in already in effect, it's possible a child could be declared legally available for adoption in less than 2 months. Before, it took as long as 3 years in court proceedings for such declaration. This is very positive since it will reduce the amount of time children will need to live in a child caring agency prior to being placed with an adoptive family. However, it is unclear how and if it will positively affect the wait time for applicants on the adoption board's wait list. I had heard about this change in the law but had not thought it could affect the age of the child we get. Although we are not counting on it, the fact that it is possible is exciting for us.

This woman's adoption story and also the adoption story I read recently from a good friend of mine, Melissa, who adopted from Thailand, have some similarities. In both stories it was very clear that God had arranged all of the details AND the timing so that the circumstances that took place in order to bring a particular child to a particular family at a specified time just could not have taken place without God orchestrating it all. I was blown away by the timing element to it all.

I just believe that we are going to get matched when it is the exact right time and not only us, but many others sense that time is near. Last week my mom had a dream that I called her saying, We got the call! We're getting our kids in 2 weeks! And my father also told me that he just has a gut sense that something is going to happen soon. Wow! Talk about building my faith to pray specifically! Andrey even said recently, why pray that we hear by the end of the year? I'm asking for the end of the month. Ok, then. Fine. It's not like we are going to limit God by praying the wrong thing. He's going to do what he's going to do. But so, so many people are praying for us and with little encouragements and indications here and there, I can't help but be expectant! I feel like I'm in my third trimester.

Sometimes I wonder if God gives us faith to pray something that he plans to do. In this, he involves us in bringing about his will and because we asked for it, it builds our faith. It also honors God for us to believe him enough to pray specifically, to ask, to seek, to knock; knowing that he is going to act. This is also a faith-building process and in it God is delighted that his children trust and believe him enough to do what he wants to do in the first place! Does this make sense?

So each day, an alarm goes off on my phone to remind me and Andrey to pray together for the following:

• That God would be with our child(ren), wherever they are. The he would protect them and keep evil far from them
  
• That they would know and experience the love of the Father and the Mother through the revelation of the Holy Spirit and ideally also through the love of the people caring for them
  
• That they would be well cared for by those responsible for them
• That God would prepare them to join our family
  
• That we would get the call informing us that we have been matched by the end of the year (or the end of the month) :-)
• That the child(ren) would come from CEBU or an island in this region

I invite you to pray with us, these specifics, or any other specifics you feel led to pray for.

Woohoo! I'm so excited to be a mommy! And I just know that Andrey is going to be a fantastic daddy.