What I've Learned in the Past Five Months

The organization my husband works for has been so kind to us.  Since we have been overseas for ten years, and since Andrey has had quite a challenging work load the past couple of years (sometimes doing the jobs of three or more people), and because the people who lead the organization care about us and our spiritual, emotional and physical health, they have given us the amazing gift of five months off before our move to India.  Seriously, who does that? 

What a gift!  We felt like we hit the jackpot.  We wanted to steward the time well.  We bought a tent trailer and a truck and drove all around North America visiting friends and family and taking time to be together just the three of us.  It was great mix of social and "just us" time.  Andrey and I took turns spending time alone in silence and solitude with the intention of slowing down and drawing near to God, realizing that true rest comes only from him.  We arranged for regular calls with spiritual directors to help guide us along the way.  Earlier this month I took some time to reflect on what I've learned during these month off.  

I learned a few things about silence and solitude.  I first had to stop trying to do it "right."  I learned that being alone with God is 1) the discipline of practicing attentiveness to God's presence and 2) an act of faith.  It is the act of removing myself from the equation as a way to demonstrate my complete and utter dependence on God to do for me what I can not do for myself.  It was not easy at first to stop the inner dialogue and I quickly grew frustrated with myself.  But over time and practice, and with the help of a few repeating centering phrases (I found "To you O Lord I lift up my soul, my hope is in you all day long" helpful), I began to settle into those times and rest in knowing that I am known by the maker of the universe and I belong to him.  Such peace and contentment comes when we stop striving and just be.

I’ve learned (am learning) how to be needy.  Good needy.  The right kind of needy.  Aware of my constant and desperate need for God, His presence and grace, and my need for Andrey – my need to be open and share with him what is going on inside my heart and mind.  I’m learning how to not be so damn self-reliant – which only results in me feeling alone and isolated, “me against the world.”  

What a gift these months have been to practice this with Andrey – while he is the most available he’s ever been, or at least for a long time.  Slowing down and having this time off together has helped us to see things I don't think we would have seen in the usual busy pace of life.  A huge and unexpected blessing of this time off was realizing how in the busyness of life over the past few years, we had grown very used to living individual, parallel lives together.  We realize that we both tend to downplay our needs and used busyness as a distraction from truly caring for each other.  I am learning to express my needs instead of withdrawing into myself when I feel alone or unsupported.  We have had many healthy discussions over the past few months and I think we have set up some new ways to tune into each other better, to stay available to one another and responsive to each others' needs.  Independence in marriage had served us well in some ways for many years but we both agree it's not working for us anymore and is dangerous if we continue like that.  I am so grateful to learn a new way. 

Another thing I’ve learned is that my devotion to God is not dependent on me getting what I want.  I am learning to rest and wait on him, his way and his plan, and stop trying to get God to do what I want.  I’ve laid down the idea that I was/am missing something and if maybe I did ____, then _____ would happen.  My worship and honoring of God – how is it affected in times when I’m not getting what I desire the most?  I've had a lot of time to think about this lately and in my times alone I’ve decided that I want to walk with Jesus despite dreams seemingly unfulfilled and in the waiting.  Relationship with Jesus is my real treasure.  Relationship is here and now and I want to be faithful to him regardless.  He promises to fill my desires with good things.  This is not a guarantee that I will get what I desire most nor that I will be spared something painful.  It seems that fulfillment of hopes and dreams doesn't usually come how and when we expect it and that the only thing I can count on is the unchanging character of God and that he will never leave me.  I know him well enough to trust him - to rest in his goodness, power, wisdom and love for me.

Because of this, I am much less anxious about how our desire for another child is going to work out. Earlier last year I found myself beginning to panic a little. But now I can say there is more yielding, surrendering, more awe of God, reverence, fear, humility, wonder. 

Lord forgive me for the ways I’ve come to you, entitled, demanding what I want, in my way. 

Again I wait in hope.  I am anchored in God as I wait.  I don’t have to rush ahead.  I can rest, pray, wait for his lead, trusting that when it’s time, I will know what I need to know so that I can move forward.  I have learned that our spiritual journey of transformation is not so much about how God uses us and what God will do, but what he is doing in us during the process. 

It's a New Day

It's a new day, my friends.  A new year, a new move (to India soon!), and new dreams for the future.  Our lives have changed in some huge ways since I last blogged.  In March we were surprised by my husband's employer with an invitation to take a position in India.  We had thought we would stay in the Philippines for another 1-2 years and we had embraced our life and community there in a special way.  I loved living there and it was truly home.  It took us some time to warm up to the idea but after some time to think, discuss and pray, it became clear to both of us that this move was the right way to go.  It was the right time to leave Cebu - a place that had grown so much a part of our lives and hearts that I knew it would be very difficult to extract our roots and relocate.  I even considered myself to be part Cebuano and felt proud to identify as such.  I had many Cebuano and foreign friends and I loved connecting with locals in their language.  I felt comfortable anywhere on the island.  I made some lifetime friendships - amazing, inspiring women who are like sisters to me.  So after seven years in Cebu, in July we said goodbye to our most wonderful community of friends and colleagues and to a place that I could say with confidence and ownership was "my city."

Sure it wasn't all wonderful all the time but when you move around like we do and know it takes a few years to make a life and feel a part of community in a new place, we knew we were privileged to stay for so long.  And when you know you will be leaving eventually, you appreciate it more.  I aim to live with that attitude no matter where I live and for how long.  It served me well in Cebu - counting what I'd miss once we left, being thankful and holding it all loosely, cherishing it while I still had possession of it.  And I had so much to be thankful for, to enjoy.  Life was really good. Andrey was busier than he had ever been and that had become a new normal for us, but we were good at making the best of it all.

That's why at first I rejected the idea of leaving.  I wasn't ready.  It didn't fit the timeline I had expected.  But once I finally sat down to pray about it, it became clear.  I knew right away that what I wanted deep in my spirit was to bear fruit - for my life to produce good things, in me and in my family and in the place where I live.  I found this in Jeremiah, chapter 17:

Blessed is the (wo)man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. (S)he is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

I felt that to bear fruit, we often have to be stretched and challenged.  Also that morning, I felt the Good Shepherd remind me that he was with me wherever I go, and that he leads me along right paths, and goodness & mercy with follow me... (Psalm 23)

I cried because right away I knew what this meant.  I realized that deep in my soul, what I want is to walk with Jesus.  I want to go where he leads and I want to bear fruit - to be challenged and to grow.  I knew that leaving Cebu would be hard but the only reasons I could think to stay were all about me and my personal enjoyment and comfort.  Then I was reminded of these verses:

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. (Luke 9:24)

 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19)

So this is how I knew that for me, to not hold too tightly to my life as it was, was to be willing to let go of our life in Cebu and say yes to the invitation to go to India.

Andrey had his own process - mostly relating to the ownership he felt of the projects he's worked so hard on for seven years in the Philippines and he eventually came to a similar conclusion - to let it go and say yes to a new adventure in India.

Our last weeks were filled with these moments and many more ...

Ella treasured her last days with Gerald

We said goodbye to our wonderful househelper and friend and her family who we got to know well over the years

We gathered with friends for send-offs

Ella and Tessi had their last play dates and sleep overs

We went to our favorite beach spot one last time...

I got a tattoo on my foot inspired by this hibiscus flower from my garden

More quality time with "Big G"

We hosted friends for special meals

Andrey's office gave him a heartfelt going away party

Our church community threw us a big party

They prayed for us and blessed us

and we were sent off well from the airport

The difficulty in leaving only spoke to the deep attachments we made, for which I am better for and so, so grateful.  Even though it was painful, I don't regret any of it.  I had posted this on facebook the week we left Cebu.  I love this quote:

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies … the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.”

- Henri J.M. Nouwen

Goodbye Cebu!  Here I am in January, after five months of time off before moving to India and only now am I beginning to feel like I can start letting you go a bit.  I have been processing and letting myself celebrate and grieve what I have left behind.  Not that you are any less close to my heart but I feel the need to begin making space for what will come to us in India.  I am confident we will meet again.  With all my heart, jen