A Realization; A Choice

"Infertility is the greatest tragedy that I have experienced and yet in it, my heart was opened to those who would have no mother." Shelley Monaghan Clay

During a rare quiet alone time in Saskatoon earlier this month, I took a few moments to sit in the sun in our Aunt & Uncle's back yard to do some journaling. Have you ever had the experience where as soon as you take even a few moments to be quiet you sense God's Spirit intimately close? That is what happened. I sat down and I felt as if the Holy Spirit was all around me. The sky, the sun, the trees, all seemed abuzz with life. I looked up at the trees pointed to the sky and saw creation worshiping the Creator. The character Sirayu in the book The Shack came to mind. In it the Holy Spirit is portrayed as a petite Asian woman who moves around like a breeze, full of joy and creativity, working the land diligently to weed and sow and produce a brilliant, healthy, colorful garden. As soon as I brought that to mind, a breeze came upon the yard and rustled the willow tree and the other plants all around. It was if the Lord was saying, Yes, I am here. I felt God's tender love toward me and a joyful peace ensued. I LIVE for such moments. What a high!

In moments like these, when I am quiet and present enough to hear the still, small voice of God, I find that if I begin to write what comes to mind, something significant flows from my heart and onto the page of my journal. This is what came to me...

I realize now that I can choose to be thankful and that I can choose to accept, with grace, the path the Lord has set before me. Alternatively, I can choose to compare myself to those who have what I wish I had - pregnancy, fertility, a bosom full of milk made specially for a baby that I bore - and subsequently feel jealous and pity for my sad and unfortunate situation. And then I could have a good cry.

Well I have done my crying - and most of it was right and appropriate at the time, as it was necessary to grieve the loss of that which I had to let go of, more specifically, 'my plan'. It is time to move on from that place of grief to acceptance.

Now today, I am looking to the future. The future that will happen upon us at any moment. I am thinking of our child or children - those who have already been chosen for us. For me to continue to stomp my feet and tell the Lord that I don't like his plan is to look into the eyes of that child and say, You were my second choice, Plan B. This is not the way to enter into adoption. And if I did, I know that I would feel guilt and regret about it later.

So I will not. I will choose to prepare myself for that child as if I were carrying him. I will remind myself of something that I know. Once that child is mine, I know that I will be thankful that my plan did not work out; for if it did, it would mean that my son, or daughter would not have come to me and that I would not have the privilege of being called their mommy.

So I am sorry Lord, that it has taken me this long to "get" this. Somehow you knew that I needed this time. This wait. Perhaps it won't be long yet.

I'm Back

We are back in Cebu after a month break to the US and Canada. I have not blogged since before we left. Sorry for the long lapse. I find it so difficult to keep up on emailing and blogging while we are away. Probably because we aren't in any one place for very long and there is just too much fun stuff going on to be able to sit down for very long at someone else's computer. It's all good though because when I'm with my family and friends in N. America, I don't have as big a need to connect through blogging. And a break every once in a while is good. I'm happy to be back in Cebu and back to blogging. The trip accomplished it's purpose. I was really ready to come back by the end.

What a blessing to have had the privilege of spending time with so many of you. We had a fantastic nine days in Tampa with practically my entire family. Our Florida family took time away from their busy schedules to hang with us, which was so appreciated. We went to the beach, had BBQ's, celebrated my brother's 40th birthday, tubed down a crystal clear river and spent almost a whole day shopping with my mom - most of it in Target. It's a tradition.

The rest of our time was in Canada. Except for the night in Seattle we had when Matt & Colleen, Taj & Danny and their three kids collectively hosted us for a delicious dinner of smoked wild salmon, roasted veggies, salad, and key lime cheesecake. Yum! Those guys are so good to us.

In Canada we spent a week in the Okanogan Valley in BC with friends on Osoyoos Lake. It was hot and we got a ton of sun, spent many mornings at the beach on the lake, and went tubing. Then the last two weeks were spent between Calgary and Saskatoon. We got to connect with pretty much every family member in both cities. We threw a party for Andrey's parents in Saskatoon to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. It was a huge hit. I think that fact had something to do with the reenactment of the wedding procession with several members of the original wedding party - Lou, Marilyn, the flower girl (our cousin Cathy), and Marilyn's brother and sister. Both Marilyn and her sister wore the original wedding dress and bridesmaid dress, respectively. Those skinny ladies are amazing! The thing that made the party so fun was the karaoke machine we rented. Oh man do we have some funny videos of that. I already posted lots of photos on facebook.

Everywhere we went, family made time to spend with us, hosted us generously and showed us a very good time. We are so grateful for each one of them.

Now it's back to business. I have two midwifery assignments to finish this week and two tests to take before I'm finished. Then just a few last clinical skills to master before we submit everything to the college by mid October at the latest. Then I will have to start studying for the licensing exam I plan to take in the US in February. I will continue to work at the clinic as long as they let me so as to gain more experience.