Waiting...

God will answer me. I really believe it. I know I am putting myself at risk of looking like a fool but I just can't deny the encouragement (and the dreams and prophetic words and pictures) of so many dear friends and family over the years who when they pray for me about a child just feel strongly like it is going to happen in time. And for me, anytime I am tempted to give up hope there is something strong in my spirit that says, No! Do not give up. Keep asking, hoping, praying, seeking, knocking, waiting.

So I will wait. With open hands and a faithful heart.

My God can do anything and I trust him. He is good and kind.

Andrey and I were prayed for recently and I just feel like something is happening.

I heard a word just yesterday that said, The promises I have given you, I will fulfill. And it won't be long now. Soon. I took that word as my own.

I feel like a complete idiot but I'll put it out there anyway.

I know my God will answer me. I wait with open hands for my babies. He already knows them. It's only a matter of time. 

I Believe You

I need this Lord. I need you to do this for me.
I pour out my heart before you and you hold me.
I rest my head on your chest and you hold me close.
You say, Don't worry my child,
and I believe you.

I believe you want to fill my desires for children
a pregnancy/birth, another adoption.
I believe you when you say,
Where there is no way,
There is a way.

I believe you when you say
you will fill our desires with good things.
I believe you when you say
what father would give a rock
to their child who asks for bread?

I heard you say,
I have plans for you.
Nothing is impossible. 

And I say, let it be Lord!
For your glory!

I love this place with you Papa,
where I can be honest and you tenderly care for me.
I won't give up hoping and believing for this.

I wait and hope for you,
I expect and anticipate you to move,
because you are good
and I believe you.

You have been faithful,
Just look at Michella.

I can't rest until I have more babies
I can't leave this, until it is granted.
Don't deny me this Lord!
I'm not sure I can accept anything else!

You made me this way,
designed my body to give birth,
put a desire, deep and primal, in me to bear a child.
That was your idea.

I feel desperation rising in me
Like Hannah who wept bitterly and cried,
"Remember me, Lord!"

She asked of you and you acted
You came through for her.
Come through for me Lord. 

Like the persistent widow who would not give up,
I will stay here, knocking and waiting
Pressing in...



He gives the barren woman a home
making her the joyous mother of children.
Psalm 113:9


Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Romans 4:18-21

Poem of Jen #1

There is this desire

a desire for you

at the center of my being

and it often gets buried

and sometimes I'm not aware...
 
I forget, lose touch

with who I am at my core

where desire for you dwells

Spirit help me stay with the knowledge

of who I am

and how much I need you

Sometimes she acts like a teenager...

but I really love these five-year-old moments.

My girl and Jesus

My daughter is the cutest thing these days I just want to freeze her in this stage. Age 5 is pretty awesome I have to say. I love her questions and curiosity about the world around her and I love that she discusses much of it verbally with me. She is still very interested in birth and still asks to watch a birth video just about every day. She is becoming quite knowledgeable! She is very affectionate and lovey and regularly tells me she loves me. How did I get such a wonderful girl like this? She is just amazing.

We've been reading the Jesus Storybook Bible a lot lately and she's been asking lots of questions about Jesus. We pray every night together and she always asks for a baby brother or sister and a baby for her Mommy who really wants one. She also prays for my friend who is set to give birth any day. Recently she prayed, "Jesus help T and her birth and help her not to have any tear in her private parts." See, I told you she is quite knowledgeable! And thoughtful! What a great thing to pray!

We regularly discuss how Jesus is always with us and he hears us when we pray and loves to speak to us if we listen. Yesterday we got in the car for a bit of a long drive to do a prenatal check up (I must post about that soon as there are some exciting things happening for me with midwifery again). I asked her if she wanted to listen to music or watch a movie or play a game on my ipad during the drive. She said, "No, I just want to hear what God has to say." I wasn't sure what she meant at first so I asked her to clarify and she repeated herself. So I said, "You mean you want to ask Jesus to speak to you and listen to what he wants to say?" and she gave a sincere yes. So we did and right away she said, "I heard him." I asked what he said and she replied with "he said I love you."

It's so wonderful to see her not just learning about Jesus but experiencing him and his love. I am a happy momma.