A Birth Mother

This week at the clinic a woman delivered a baby boy. She held him and breastfed him for the first hour of his life. During his first day he didn't have a name. The staff at Glory Reborn named him John. John's mother made the very difficult decision to give him up for adoption. She made the decision during her pregnancy due to financial reasons.

John's mother is a 34-year-old with two other children. She has an elementary school level education and is estranged from her husband. She knew she wasn't able to properly care for another child.

We had initially thought that baby John would go to one of the local orphanages the day after he was born (where he would likely be adopted from internationally) but the orphanage first needed to screen the mother for HIV, so the baby had to stay at Glory Reborn for another day. The mother also was not yet discharged. The staff took care of baby John while the mother rested alone. She initially was using a bed in our postpartum room with other moms and their babies.

On Wednesday evening during the night shift she heard her baby crying and fussing and she walked around the clinic looking for her baby. Hilary was in the midwives room feeding John. The mother asked me if she could see her baby. I said, "Of course." I brought her into the room where her child was being held and cared for. He was fussy and my gut feeling told me he knew that something was amiss. Where was his mother? Where was her smell? Her warmth? Her voice? This little seven pound infant must know that he's lost the only thing he's known in his short existence.

As John's mother looked at him she started to cry. With my hand on her shoulder I told her, "Talk to him. He would love to hear your voice." She looked at him and spoke a few soft words - something like, "Hi baby. It's okay baby." Something amazing happened. John immediately calmed. He opened his eyes and looked directly at her face. There was a knowing in his eyes. A knowing who this person was. It was the person he longed for. We stood there with this mother, looking at her baby and crying for what felt like an hour. We asked her if she would like to move downstairs so she wouldn't have to be around the other babies and wouldn't hear her baby crying as much either. She agreed.

When I let myself really think about this I cry. A deep, grief-filled cry. I cry and grieve the fact that this woman is in a position to have to make such a difficult choice because of poverty. I cry about this child losing the most significant person in his life and how this must impact him and how it will impact him for the rest of his life.

I tried to encourage this mother by telling her that I know several families who are adopting babies like hers and that he will be very well cared for. I told her I admired her for her decision and how incredibly difficult it must be. I don't know if I would be as brave as this woman. But as much as I know how loved this child will likely be, I still can not feel like this is the way it should be. It just isn't. Ideally, this woman would have been able to make the choice to not have another baby and would have had access to affordable family planning options. Second to that, this woman should be able to keep her baby and get the help she needs to care for him. Of course, when these things aren't options, then I think adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing.

But I feel as if I've witnessed something very special. The love of a birth mother. And her difficulty in giving him up. I will cherish this experience. For it's possible that our child will come to us with no known history. One day I will share this story with my child, to help them understand what their birth mother must have gone through.

To Really Live...

Some days I feel I am wasting precious time. Something tells me it's because I am. I can get so wrapped up in "my life" that being challenged to go out of my way for another offends me. Sure it is easy to serve the people I really like - anyone can do that - but to serve those not in my immediate circle and those who are not easy to love? Oh the wretchedness of self! As a Christian I have erroneously believed that I'd reached this place of selflessness and once there, I was changed forever - immune to the onslaughts of self. Oh how wrong this is.

How quickly I forget my desperate need for Christ - his resurrection power, his Spirit - and how essential staying tapped into it is, to being willing to lay down my life. Clearly, left to my own devices, I end up living according to the default modus operandis. My default m.o. is that of self. Self-centered, self-focused, straight up selfishness. Sometimes I put a convincing shiny gloss over it and try to call it something else but deep down I know what it really is.

I can not passively expect transformation to selflessness. The only way to combat selfishness is to actively choose daily to live according to a different force. The power of the Spirit. Only then can I follow Jesus' example and live like he did, literally pouring out his life for the broken, the hurting, the prisoners, the exploited - those in bondage to sin and culture and generational curses and poverty.

The same power that raised Christ from the dead supposedly lives in me. Do I really believe this? Sadly, my life doesn't always make that fact clear. It's not enough to know it's there. I have to choose daily to access it and live according to it. Only then will I be able to see and hear the words and leading of the One who calls me beloved. Only then will I have the courage and selflessness to act.

Jesus said,

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

I've never liked this verse. It's too challenging. Too difficult to understand (is it?). Surely it must not mean what it sounds like it means. I have rationalized and diluted its meaning for years. I all too often tend to give and serve when it's convenient. I give out of my abundance and then pat myself on the back when I do. Blech!

But today, what I am hearing is that I must not spend my energy on protecting this life of mine, to build it up, to improve it, to save it - strictly for the comfort of it. No. I must give it away. Lay it down. For me this begins with laying down my to-do list, my schedule, what I guard and regard as "my time." It also means living with less and giving away more.

Everywhere I look it's the same message.

"Those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples" Luke 14: 33

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant..." Philippians 2:1-7

"Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did." 1 John 2:6

"This how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:16-18

I have believed for some time that I should wait until these things come naturally - until I am compelled by my compassion to act. And at times I do. I am learning that this doesn't always just happen and when it does, it not often enough. I have to decide it and takes steps toward it and structure my life in a way that is conducive to laying it down.

[By the way, I am not talking about working to earn my salvation. For I "have been saved by grace, through faith - and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) I know this well for it was heavily stamped into my mind as a child when I memorized this verse at church in Awana. Frankly, the emphasis on this verse freed me from feeling guilty about my life not looking any different after I "got saved." I was taught that if any "works" were of the wrong motivation, they would just be "filthy rags" before the Lord (from Isaiah 64: 6). This was a good thing to learn. Of course we can not earn God's love or our salvation but for some reason something I heard made me think it didn't matter that much about how I lived, as long as I really knew I was saved. I had heard somewhere that if I doubted my salvation, it meant I wasn't really saved and so I did my best to feel sure. I must have "prayed the sinner's prayer" numerous times in those early years. Besides the basic issues of moral behavior (no swearing, no drinking, no sex before marriage), the only imperative I knew about after I received Jesus and for many years afterward, was evangelism. You as a Christian must do this - regardless of how loving or unloving you go about it. (After trying unsuccessfully to convert my friends and get them to pray the sinners prayer in junior high, I promptly gave up and opted for being cool, which at the time, was easier for me to attain. I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt over the years for never having gotten anyone "saved." What a failure. For most of my youth I just went along living my nominal Christian life like my friends did and sadly like I saw other Christians doing. After all, I'm saved aren't I? So what's wrong with having a little fun?) But what about the very next verse in Ephesians? Why didn't we memorize this as well as it is clearly an integral and connected part of this passage? "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."!!! Ephesians 2:10]

What about that?? Are we just wooden pieces that get moved around by God the Grand Chess Player as one of his pawns? I don't believe so. He has given us the ability to choose and decide. We have our will after all. And there are always consequences to our decisions - both positive and negative - that affect us, the people around us, and the world in general.

Is it possible that we might miss out - or more importantly, that others might miss out on experiencing Jesus' life and peace and rescue and healing if we don't act? Although I hate to admit it, I think so.

So am I to go around feverishly trying to help all the broken and hurting people around me? Impossible! I could spend every waking hour of every day for the rest of my life and still not reach them all. So how do I know who to go to in the name of Jesus? Who to encourage, who to pray for, who to share food with, who to help with their medical bills when everywhere I go there are needy people. The main point though, even if I don't get it right all the time, is to do something. The worst thing is to not do anything, which is just so tempting!!!

That is why I must DAILY commune with God's Spirit. So that I can see and hear and act according to that. And also so that I can act out of his power, his love, his rest, and not out of my own strength and striving, which will just end me up jaded, bitter and burnt out. Jesus did what he saw the Father doing. So we also must. And in order to see and hear, we must be looking and listening. We must be willing to risk and practice. And in order to live from his strength and power, we must draw close to him, learning to rest in him daily. I think this is where I continually get off-track. How many times do I have to be reminded of the same thing until I get it!? The key is to not feel condemned and give up but to accept God's mercy and take comfort from the life of amazingly effective ministers like Paul who, in expressing his frustration with the power of the sin nature in his own life said, "What a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" And to that he says in the very next verse, "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 7:24-25)

I regularly get wrapped up and distracted by my own needs and desires that I stop looking and listening. And I forget that I need God's strength and so I live out of my own and end up weary. And I have learned not to do something out of obligation or guilt as something done without love is useless. But when I give up all together, this is when I waste precious time. Time that could be used to be Christ incarnate to a hurting, starving, suffering, empty, evil world. How else will the world know God? It's not enough that I go to church on Sunday. It's not enough that my husband works for a Christian organization that seeks justice on behalf of the poor. It's not enough that we live here in the Philippines if I am just going to pass over the poor as I go about my to do list. I'm sick of feeling afraid and making up a million excuses as to why I can't stop and take time to be Jesus to someone in need when it wasn't on my schedule!

God sent Jesus so that humans could experience God in human form. When Jesus was resurrected into heaven he left his work for his followers to do. He sent the Holy Spirit to empower this work. As Christians, we are not only followers, we are his body. As Christ was God made flesh, we are Christ made flesh. We are his hands, his feet, his life, his representatives. The bible and the accounts of Jesus' life are FULL of examples of walking with, living among, and seeking out the poor. Clearly this is important to him.

I think one of the biggest disservices we can do as Christians for other Christians and to the rest of the world is to not live as Jesus lived, thereby giving others a poor example of who Christ really is. Over the years we have met other Christians who are risking their very lives and even the lives of their children to follow Jesus. We have friends who live part of the year in the jungles of Burma, serving displaced people who live daily under the threat of attack by the Burma army. And our other friends who just picked up their family with two young children and moved to a country in central Asia. And not that you have to pick up and move to be faithful to what Jesus is calling you to. Of course there are many, many others we know who are making risks and faithfully and obediently serving Jesus. Their examples speak volumes to us.

Many faithful people in our community here in Cebu (led by the example of Jackie Pullinger) are teaching us, by their example (of course they're not perfect) what it means to be a follower of Jesus as they regularly lay down their lives to serve the poor. These are not well-educated people with theological training. They are people who rely on the the Holy Spirit to reveal truth to them through the bible and then live according to what they learn. Simple as that.

I am seeing faith lived out in a way that looks very close to what I read about in the first five books of the New Testament. It is this example that challenges and spurs me on to grow and change and live according to what my gut tells me - that there is more to this life of faith! It is an example like those we've witnessed that Andrey and I want to be to our children. This is the legacy we desire to pass on. Not safety, not security, not comfort, not mediocrity, not loving only when it's convenient, not giving only when we have enough for ourselves...

Gracious Lord I cry out to you for mercy. For time is short and I don't want to waste any more of it. You have touched and healed my life. You have rescued and saved me. How could I ever repay you? You deserve nothing less than my life laid down and for me to live out that which you have prepared in advance for me. You say we are to love you. That is the greatest commandment. You also say that if we love you, we are to feed your sheep and love our neighbor as our self. Help me Lord! For it's only in YOU that this is possible.

Isaiah 58:6-12 (The Message)

"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again."

Plumbing Woes

Some things in life are only funny after the fact. Here's an example...

For the second time, we are having a major plumbing disaster in our bathroom. The water supply to the toilet has been leaking so I tried to tighten the valve and like last time, the whole thing just broke right off - flush with the wall. You might ask, "Why did you have tighten the valve Jenifer? Isn't that what broke the thing last time?" Well, my answer to that is - first of all, the leak was getting worse and two, one would think that if the job was done well the first time that it wouldn't recur, right? Anyway...water gushed forcefully out of the wall and as I learned the last time this happened, there is no way to turn the water supply off as the lever to the main water tank is so old and rusty it broke off like probably a decade ago.

I frantically searched the house for something I could stick in the wall that is just the right size. My five attempts were unsuccessful and resulted in nearly completely soaked clothes and hair. So there I am sticking the handle of the toilet scrub brush that I wrapped in electrical tape into the waterfall flowing from our bathroom wall as water spritzes and sprays into my face. (And this is the scene that drew expletives from my otherwise impeccably-clean mouth that I can laugh about now.) It won't hold! (More expletives) I call the maintenance guy who, after a while was able to find a branch just the right size, wrapped it in electrical tape, stuck it in the gushing hole-in-the-wall and forced it in with a hammer thereby reducing the gush to a leak (just like it was prior to this incident). Ahh. Exhale. Of course this happened at 6pm last night so it was too late the call the plumber. The maintenance guy assured me he'd call first thing in the morning.

A look on the bright side leads me to be thankful we have an Asian-style bathroom covered in tile with a drain. Smart idea really. Otherwise the water would have no doubt flooded the wood floor in our bedroom in minutes.

The scene today is another drama. I've got two guys on the job discussing the problem in Cebuano and I'm doing my best to understand and contribute my opinion. From what I can tell, I will get a new valve (will have to empty the water tank first) for the main supply and new (this time brass) parts to connect the toilet and hand bidet (i.e. "ass gun") to the water supply. That's all the landlandy is willing to pay for right now although what the plumber suggested was a new valve for every bathroom and the kitchen. I also have our helper's toilet that doesn't work and a drain that's clogged. We also want to install an ass gun in the guest bathroom since we will be moving into the guest bedroom soon but that will have to wait. Meanwhile every pipe I see is rusted and cracking. Practically another flood waiting to happen. This whole house needs a plumbing overhaul! Sorry to my husband for saying this, but I WANT MY DAD!!!

What a Great Day!

Twenty minutes before our social worker was set to arrive for our home study update this morning, I got a call from my parents that a letter from NARM arrived. I gave them the go ahead to open it and they read me the happy news that I passed!!! Yeeehaw!! How fun to have Andrey here to share in the joy. Even our helper cheered. I jumped up and did a happy dance. I did not expect to get word so soon! Wahooo!!!

The home visit with our social worker went fabulously - better than expected. We were able to ask lots of questions and now have a much clearer picture of how this whole thing works. This is what we learned:

• Our social worker really likes us and is hoping along with us that we'll get matched soon
  
• Our application has been released and is indeed available for matching (we thought this was the case but couldn't confirm it till now)
• Very few children come from foster families. The majority come from institutions varying in size and quality.
  
• How matching works: ICAB informs children's homes when a child in their care has been approved for matching. The social worker appointed over that child has to travel to ICAB in Manila and look through the list of available approved parents. The SW chooses a list of 5 parents who's parameters fits the criteria of the child in their care. The files of those five sets of parents gets pulled and the SW is able to look through them in detail. Out of those five, the SW chooses a first and a second choice. Every Tuesday, ICAB holds a meeting in which the SW presents the reasons for choosing those particular parents. Every Thursday, ICAB meets to determine if they agree with the choice of the SW and chooses the parents they feel are best out of the two options (or I suppose none if they disagree). Then the proposed match goes to the board and if the board approves it then they inform the adoption agency and the agency informs the parents. Now, our SW told us that because social workers have to travel, sometimes long distances to get to ICAB in Manila, they will wait until they have several children in their care up for matching before they go. This really does help me understand why this process takes so long.
  
• According to our SW, we shouldn't have to wait the usual 4-6 months from match to custody. That period of time is how long it usually takes for the processing of the immigration papers needed to take the child out of the country. Since we live in Cebu and once we are matched, it could take 1-2 weeks for the match to be approved by ICAB and at that time, we would be able to pick up the child right away. It was hard to contain my excitement at hearing this! (We still need to check with our agency that this is in fact true so even though I'm excited I'm reserving a space in my mind for this to not be the case in the end)
• Apparently for children under age 2, parents can take them on the same day they meet the child, whereas for older children parents must visit a few times before taking the child?? I find this strange. From what I've read, even children under age two benefit from a more gradual transition (less traumatic), getting to know the parents at least a bit before being taken away by them as strangers. She told us we'd be able to visit over several days and spend time first before taking custody if we want.
  
• Once we take custody, there is a 6 month post-placement period, during which we will have three home studies. At the end of this period the adoption will have to be finalized in the US.
  
• Because of the recent change in the determination of an orphan from a legal process to an administrative process, children are now becoming available for adoption at younger ages. For domestic adoption, children as young as 3 months may be classified as orphans and become available for matching and in international adoption, children as young as 6 months may become available, whereas before, it was 6 and 9 months, respectively. So far, the youngest age of child at time of match that I've heard about was 9 or 10 months.
• Even though we requested a single child age 0-36 months or a sibling pair ages 0-48 months, our SW thinks that the most likely scenario for us is that we'll be matched with a single child under age 2 yr 0 months, including a decent possibility of a match with a child under age 1. She thinks this because of the fact that we are still "young" (relative to other applicants, I guess) and childless.
  
• If we were to get matched with a sibling pair (less likely but still possible), she said it's more likely we'd get twins over getting non-twin siblings, since the sibling groups of two that she sees have an older sibling who is most often over 4 years old.
• We should prepare a book with photos of us and our home so it's ready when we get matched and can be sent directly to the child so he/she can at least see our faces before we meet in person and take them home with us
• Apparently we need a crib. We showed her our baby room with it's double bed and she said, "Uh... I think you need to get a crib." Ha ha, yes, we had thought of that but weren't sure we should in case we get a three year old.

So about the crib... Now that we know (think) we may not have much time between getting matched and taking custody, maybe we should get a crib! Until how old does a child use a crib anyway? We were just thinking a mattress on the floor because we've been expecting a toddler but now I realize maybe even that is a dumb idea. Somebody please inform me because I have no idea and it appears I need to get a move on here! Advice anyone??

Breaking the Blogging Fast

I'm back! My trip to the US is over and more importantly, my midwifery exam is over. I've been home for a week already. The trip to Seattle/Portland was successful on all accounts. I had quality time with my closest friends and some really fun mother-daughter time with my Mom. (I must give props to Matt & Colleen and Danny & Taj for hosting my Mom and me. Thank you SO much. I am so blessed by you!) Colleen and I even drove up to BC to see some more good friends. We had a gathering for dinner with 8 children and 7 adults. It was nuts but fun. I'm bummed we didn't get a picture.

I still don't know if I passed my test (should know some time next month, I think) but I did walk out of the test feeling relieved because it wasn't as difficult as I had feared. In fact, it was quite reasonable in regards to the material it covered. There was a lot on management and on being able to recognize the line between normal and a complication in which referral or transport is needed. I guess it really tests the midwife's judgment and I realized during the test that I feel pretty confident in my judgment. That was a refreshing realization for me. So assuming my judgment is in line with that deemed appropriate by NARM, I should be fine - but I won't know for sure until I get that result.

Just a quick word about Portland. I loved hanging out in that city. It's a lot like Seattle but smaller, cheaper, less traffic and friendlier people. I was surprised by how friendly people were. It is easy to get around Portland - lots of public transport downtown and very walkable - and my Mom and I had some of the most tasty food we've ever had at a little place called The Country Cat. We ate there twice. I'm not articulate enough to describe how amazing the food was. All I can say is I had the very best eggs Benedict I've ever had. My mom and I also popped in to one of the many local breweries for a beer and a pretzel. We even caught some Olympic action on the TV while hanging out in the pub. Oh and Cuban food. Who knew? But this place called Pambiche came highly recommended and it did not disappoint. You could say food was a real highlight of our time spent in Portland. And coffee of course. A favorite being Stumptown. We also spend many hours in Powell's Books, "the largest independent used and new bookstore in the world." One could easily spend all day there. Portland is a city I could definitely see myself living in should I ever have the option.

Andrey and I are having our home study update tomorrow. Our social worker from Manila is flying in for the day and will be in our home for a few hours going over any changes from the last home study. We found out only last week that we needed to prepare several documents. There is no reference to this in the materials given to us. Thanks to the Yahoo Philippines adoption group I belong to, I read about a family rushing to get all sorts of documents together in time for their home study update, and that tipped me off to ask our agency and our social worker what we should prepare. Both of them said, oh yeah, you need new police clearances (background checks), medical clearances, and copies of tax forms from the past two years. Tax forms, no problem but the other two things may not be possible to get together within a week. For example, in order to get a police clearance we have to get something called a barangay (neighborhood) clearance and then something else called a cedula (tax identification number). Each require a trip by both of us to a different government office requiring their own documents, so I was a little worried at first. Thankfully, acquiring these things have gone smoother than expected.

I'm happy to say we have our police clearances and tax forms and I have my medical clearance printed on the required letterhead. Andrey will have to mail his medical clearance to our social worker after he sees his doctor early next week (he's already been once to the office but there was no computer and no letterhead so not possible). We've accomplished a lot in just a week considering how long these things took the first time we tried to acquire them. Experience in this case is on our side. Assuming those are the only things we need, we are in good shape but we have learned to expect things to not go as planned or hoped for. I won't be surprised if we find out tomorrow that there is more paperwork to prepare. Yikes. I sound jaded.

We are praying the home study update report will not take nearly as long as the original report did. (Home study done in March '08. Report accurate and complete 9 months later.) Frankly, we can't afford for it to take months. The current home study expires on April 27 so this must be submitted by then or the whole adoption is off. Prayers for this report to be accomplished in a timely manner are greatly appreciated.

We are about 15 months into our 12-24 month projected wait to be matched. I hear of families with Filipino heritage getting matched closer to the low end of the wait time and non-Filipino families waiting on the longest end. Every day inches us closer.