Day 1

We met our daughter today. We saw her, hung out in the same room together, and she glanced at us a few times. Poor thing, I think she knows on some level what our arrival means. She will soon lose the many “mamas” she has and will go to yet another strange place.

We were greeted at the airport by the director of the children’s home, an American Baptist missionary of 72 years who is in remarkably great shape. He has been in Iloilo for 32 years. He was accompanied by one of the administrators of the home. They took us to our hotel to get checked in and then took us to the director’s home for dinner. Their Baptist church nearby is where all the children were attending an afternoon service.

On the way we were told numerous times that Michella is very shy and that we shouldn’t worry if she doesn’t warm up to us right away. They also told us that at some point in the past week Michella kissed a photo of me and said, “Mommy.” I’m not sure what I had in my mind about what our meeting would look like (I realize now my daydreaming vacillated between scenes of rejection and immediate love), but I hadn’t considered the scenario in which any child would react to a perfect stranger that she was encouraged to interact with. Of course she would hide her face and look shy! Especially when she suddenly became the center of attention when she was brought to us surrounded by all the other kids in the home and the numerous house mamas.

She and her social worker/house parent (with everyone else trailing behind) walked in the gate and toward the front door. As soon as Michella saw one of us she immediately reached to be held by her caretaker. They walked in and she buried her face. They sat next to us and she laid her head in her caretaker’s lap. She was holding a photo of Andrey and me. It was one of the photos I sent to the adoption board a few months ago along with a family update. Michella must have gotten it a few weeks ago.

Everyone around her tried to coax her to look at us and interact. Andrey and I kept saying, “It’s okay, she doesn’t have to do anything.” The staff clearly were worried about us feeling rejected. The director kept saying things like, “Don’t worry, she’ll be better tomorrow. I promise you, it’s going to be fine.”

We were called to dinner at a large round table. Michella and her social worker sat next to me. Michella kept her head down the entire time but occasionally, (usually when we weren’t looking) would be caught stealing a glimpse of us. As soon as we turned our eyes in her direction she looked away. I thought it might be a good idea to put a little rice on Michella’s plate but she made it clear that she didn’t like that by shaking her head and retreating into the woman who was holding her.

We made small talk around the table and after Michella reluctantly ate some food that was spoon fed to her she was taken to play with the other kids in the living room. Then the director encouraged the staff to bring Michella back near to us, all the while Andrey and I are saying, “It’s okay, really. It’s fine.” But they did as they were told and Michella ended up spending the rest of the evening, which wasn’t long till we left, with her head buried in another house mama’s bosom – all the while holding our photo. There were several times throughout the evening that someone would ask to look at the photo in her hand or to hold it but Michella wouldn’t allow it. It was hers.

After a short time, she fell asleep. I think the events of this day were a lot to take in and it must have felt exhausting. We were told that just yesterday, a couple from Norway, who had arrived just three days prior, left with their new son. He is the same age as Michella. I can only imagine what must be going on in her mind and heart. She is clearly comfortable and attached at least on some level to many, if not all of the female house mamas. She calls each one of them mama.

My heart breaks for what she is going through. I am just relieved that I didn’t take her avoidance personally. My biggest fear coming into this was that it would rock me emotionally but once I was there it made perfect sense that she would be how she was. I only feel compassion for her and what she must be experiencing. I cringe when I think about her having to experience more loss in order to become part of our family. It’s hard to see a child, any child, go through something knowingly difficult and painful that you are partly responsible for. I could cry for her little broken heart right now. Sweet little Michella.

Tomorrow we’ll be picked up at 10 and taken to the children’s home. We will tour the place and have lunch then will head to the mall to hang out for a while with just Michella and two of her house mommies (one happens to be her social worker, as well). I am hoping to find some kind of a kids’ play place where we can play and begin to interact, even from a distance with some of her secure base still intact.

Adoption Day!!!

Today is the day we will meet our daughter. I can't believe it is here. We just got a call from our social worker who learned from the orphanage that Michella is indeed pronounced "Mi-shell-a." I was quite happy to hear this as we have been calling her that and we have really grown to love it.

Please pray for us.

• That there will not be any problems with travel, especially on the way back .:-) It is possible we will be traveling without any legal documents that explain why this child is with us. We are told it's never been a problem in the past but am hoping that her legal docs arrive this morning before we leave (they are due to arrive). Included is the form that states that we have legal custody of her.
• Pray that Andrey can efficiently wrap up work today before we leave. (We are headed to the airport around noon)
  
• That Michella would sense in her spirit that we are her parents that she's been waiting for and that she can trust us.
  
• That we would have favor with the orphanage staff and be able to get all the information we would like to learn about Michella's background and routine.
• That Andrey and I would have wisdom in all of this! When over the next few days do we take her with us, how to best care for her, how to make her transition as smooth as possible, and just parenting in general! We are newbies!

As you can imagine, we are SO excited!

Thank you for being excited with us on this journey and for your love, support, prayers and encouragement along the way. We are blessed!

(p.s. Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad Haenlein! 37 years!! Now you have to share your anniversary with our adoption day celebrations but I have a feeling you don't mind. We love you!!)

Ch-ch-ch-Changes! (Three days till we Travel)

There are a few changes going on around here. Something has compelled me to go through every drawer and every cabinet and every closet in every room to get rid of stuff, organize and rearrange. Nesting perhaps? Today I felt like the work I've done the past few days represents my last chance to control what I can in the face of a great inevitable uncertainty. My excitement lately has morphed into something that is looking a lot more like a 10-year-old on his first roller coaster ride who after inching to the apex ever so slowly and chit chatting with his friends about how fun it's going to be, gets a look of panic all over his face the moment just before he plunges over the edge.

Here are some scenes from around the house that strongly suggest we will have a new family member very soon...

Michella's room is finally finished! All except for the rocking chair I ordered today. It will be ready next week.

On a side note: I just read (obviously after I bought them) about how those foam mats are made out of toxic chemicals (PVC, phthalates, dioxin...). Anyone heard anything about this? It's the same material most yoga mats are made out of. I'm struggling with what to do. Feels like the beginning of about a million parenting decisions I will be faced with that I have no idea how to handle! Let the guess-work begin!

Love and Attachment

I've been reading like mad these days. Trying to get in as much helpful information as possible. I've called and emailed friends who have adopted. I have a skype date on Saturday with another family who adopted. I want to know how best to make Michella's transition as smooth as possible, how to deal with sleep and food issues, and how to foster attachment.

I am currently re-reading my favorite adoption book, Toddler Adoption by Mary Hopkins-Best, especially the chapters about the transition and attachment. I was reminded of the fact that many adopted toddlers reject one or both parents in the beginning or at least resist their attempts to give love and care. When you think of it, it is understandable, especially with little ones who have experienced several disruptions in their short lives and given the fact that we will be perfect strangers in the beginning. Michella first lost her birth mother, then her foster mother, and she will soon lose those currently caring for her at the small orphanage where she's spent the past eight months. Naturally, it will take some time for her trust. She may resist bonding with us initially as she's afraid of another loss. I knew this but to read about other families who have adopted toddlers who outright rejected (more commonly the mother) one of their new parents, made me realize that I need to prepare myself emotionally for this, should it happen. Of course we don't know if it will but it is better to be prepared and it not happen than to expect that our meeting will be unrealistically dreamy and then be in total shock and dismay when it isn't.

I just know myself. I take things personally often. I'm the one that feels personally offended by the weather! So I am thankful for the "head's up".

I also recognize that it will likely take me some time to grow to love Michella as well. These things are not always instant - even with biological children. So I am bursting my unrealistic bubble about that as well by releasing myself from that expectation to be completely enamored the moment we meet.

As I was praying this morning I realized something. I realized that consistently and faithfully loving and caring for a child even when they continually reject you is such a wonderful picture of LOVE. Not just any love, but Jesus' love, and the love of FatherMother God.

Oh how I rejected God! For years I rejected his love and care as in my brokenness I chose to care for myself. I decided I didn't need him. I had learned to depend on myself in order to protect myself. But oh how he persisted! He never gave up on me. He loved me even when I turned my back and my body became stiff in resistance. Eventually, as I got to know him, I came around. I let him love and care for me. My body relaxed and molded to his body as he held me (I mean this figuratively but also spiritually as I have had spiritual experiences of God holding me like a baby and bonding with me). So when/if Michella doesn't respond to my initial attempts to love and care for her, I will remember that it's not about me. I will not take it personally (although I still might cry about it in my alone time). I will recognize that she is doing what she knows to protect herself and I will empathize with her loss. Who can blame her? I will recognize that there is hurt that in time will be healed. Especially if I persist and continually offer the unconditional love I also received. I will rely on Jesus and His power to enable me to love this little girl in the same way He loves me.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1

Happy Birthday, Michella!

Happy Birthday, Michella! You're TWO today! What did you do today? Did you have a birthday cake?

I can't believe I still don't even know how your name is pronounced! It's been two weeks since we first learned about you. It will be another week till we are finally united. Your Daddy and I prayed for you this morning, and then we prayed for your birth mother. I wonder if she is thinking about you today.

Some friends gave me a baby shower last weekend. You should see how many cute dresses you have in your closet! You have a lot of books, too. Tomorrow I will buy a book case so you can have all your books in one place. Either Daddy or I will read to you every night. I wonder what your favorite book will be.

We have so much to learn about you, Michella. In time, you will get to know us as well. We know it might take you some time to learn to trust us, and that's okay. We will be around for as long as it takes.

Michella's Welcome Album

I finally finished Michella's welcome album yesterday. I want to show it to you.

Our social worker will receive it on Monday and will forward it to Michella's orphanage. This will be the first time Michella sees our faces and will hopefully become familiar with us so she will recognize us when we meet her for the first time on September 30th. I also sent her a birthday gift - a book and a knitted toy elephant made by Andrey's cousin, Katya. The elephant slept in our bed over the past week so it would smell like us.

Of course at two years old, Michella will not comprehend the concepts in this letter but this book will be a keepsake for her and I want her to know what we were thinking and feeling during this time.

Thanks to Andrew "Guy" Willms, we have these great professional shots to include. Thanks again for these, Guy! They continue to come in handy!

We were supposed to include photos of Michella's room and play area but it's not ready yet!

This is a letter I wrote months ago and posted on our blog. I want her to read this someday, too. After all, it was written to her, I just didn't know who she was yet.

Michella Update and How We Got our News

What day is it? I seriously am having difficulty keeping track. These days are a bit of a blur in the best possible sense. I haven't been this busy in I don't know how long. There is so much to do to get ready for our little girl. Honestly, my diet has been terrible; my meal pattern disastrous. Several nights this week Andrey came home and told him I had absolutely no plan for dinner and very little food in the house. I just get into these projects that need to get done and I'm neglecting my internal cues for food and my usual motivation to cook so there is something healthy to eat. What is this? This is not normal for me.

Tomorrow will be a week since we got the life-changing news of our daughter Michella's existence. It really felt like she was birthed that day.

Here's the time line of what's happened so far:

Thursday, September 9 - I was teaching a breastfeeding class to the clinic staff when the director's husband interrupted to tell me that there was a woman on the phone and that it was about something to do with our adoption. I thought he was joking. He assured me it was not a joke and that a woman was waiting on the phone. I walked over to the next building over where the main clinic phone was and sat down at the guard desk to take the call. My social worker didn't even say who she was so it took me a few sentences to realize that it was our social worker in Manila. She asked if the meeting I was in was important and do I need to get back to it. I said, "Well, uh, no actually, why? do you have some news for me?"

In the middle of that sentence I told myself that it was probably about something else and to not get my hopes up, but by the time I finished that sentence and she launched in with the news, I realized that this was it. She told me, "Well yeah! I bet you can guess that I have news!" I said, "Tell me!" Now, I don't remember the exact words as I was in complete shock but it was something like, You have a daughter, her name is Michella Pi-la-something Cast-a-something Esca-something. She'll be two this month on September 23rd. She's in Iloilo in an orphanage now but was in a foster home since birth. She's healthy. She had an upper respiratory tract infection before but it was treated.

By this time I have my hand over my mouth and I am crying. Let me mention that prenatal check-ups happened to be going on at the time and the waiting area was packed with pregnant women staring at me. I looked around searching for a staff member that I knew well but they were all next door where I was teaching the class! The only familiar face within eye-sight was the guard so I looked at him and shouted, "I have a daughter!!!" and proceeded to cry. I don't think the guard understood what was going on because I appeared to be in such distress. He acted like he wasn't sure if my proclamation was good or bad.

Our social worker proceeded to tell me how she had tried to call me at home and talked to our helper who told her I was at work. And then she paused and said something like, "Well..." I didn't know what to say. What was she asking me? I just had to tell her that I needed some time to let this sink in before I could even think straight and say anything coherent. I confirmed with her that she hadn't yet reached Andrey so getting the news to him became my priority. I told her I'd call her back asap.

I immediately called Andrey who I knew was in a meeting. My hands are visibly shaking at this point as I dial. The guard is still staring at me wondering what is going on. The phone rings and rings and rings. I stomp my foot and say, 'pick up the phone Andrey!' To my surprise, he did pick up the phone eventually and I fumbled all over my words. I hadn't thought it through what I was going to say. Do I just blurt it out or tell him I need to see him right away? Of course the latter was ridiculous come to think of it. I started with, "Where are you? I have news." He asked what it was. "Eva called Andrey! Eva called! Do you want me to go to you so I can tell you?" "No! tell me everything now!" I told him all I knew and I can't even tell you what he said. I honestly don't remember. I told him to meet me at home as our social worker was emailing us our daughter's file.

I first ran upstairs to the delivery room where I knew Hilary and my good friend Mar were busy with a birth. I just had to tell them. I peeked my head in and whispered the news. They, very hushed, congratulated me ('cos the poor woman was pushing and deserved their focus and attention!) and I quickly left. I went next door to share the news to the staff who were waiting for me. I made my announcement and cried some more and everybody cheered. I told them I would not be able to finish the class and that I was sorry. I just had to get home as soon as possible!!

That drive home felt like the longest ever. I wanted to get home so bad to cheer and jump and celebrate with Andrey. On that trip home I remember talking to myself a lot - "Oh my God Oh my God, Oh my God, it's really happening! I can't believe it!" I cried and then I laughed and kept saying Thank you to Jesus and then yelled at the guy on the tricycle in front of me for not going fast enough! This went around and around till about 20 minutes later I was home.

Andrey was still on his way back from his meeting and I was able to pick him up on the road near our house. We rejoiced and talked about how great of a day this is! We pulled into our driveway and our house-helper greeted us. I shouted the news and we jumped up and down together while she yelped for us with joy.

We quickly read through Michella's profile and it was better than I ever expected! Apparently she is healthy and well-cared for, I couldn't believe it! I really couldn't believe it as I have tried to prepare myself for the worst and expected there to be at least a few obvious problems. I prayed for a healthy little girl but was very open and willing to take on whatever God would have for us in a child. I felt up for the challenge! Of course we don't know it all and how difficult or easy of a time Michella will have attaching to our family and what issues will present down the road, but the fact that there aren't any obvious health/developmental problems, wow, I am just blown away by that! And my prayers all along that she would be well cared for were answered as well!

We read about her birth parents and the circumstances that caused them to make the decision to give her up (3 other kids, meager fisherman's income, third child with significant health problems - a heart defect and cleft palate). Michella spent the first 24 hours with her birth mother. As soon as we finished reading it, we called our social worker. She asked if we had any questions. We said the only question we have is, When can we pick her up? Our social worker laughed. You could tell she was so very excited that this was happening for us. She has been advocating for us for months now. She said she actually knew the day before but had to wait to give us the news. She told us how hard it was for her to wait till the next day.

The rest from this point is a blur as we made the phone calls I had only daydreamed of making. We called my parents, Andrey's parents, all our siblings, our closest friends in Canada and the US... We sent out texts to our Cebu friends. We emailed. We facebooked. It's amazing how many people we were able to communicate with in such a short period of time.

Unfortunately we both had to get to work that afternoon but we were bombarded with communication right up until we had to leave. No time for lunch, and that's when the dissolving of my regular meal pattern disappeared. Never before in my life have I skipped meals. I hope this is just a temporary phase because I'm so hungry and I get quite grouchy when my blood sugar gets low. lol!

Friday, September 10th - All morning was spent talking, emailing, and getting the news out to more people before I worked from 2-10.

Saturday, September 11th - More busyness at home in the morning although I'm not sure with what. Attended a medical outreach that the clinic was involved in. In the evening we had a celebration dinner here with many dear friends from church. We had a wonderful time of worship, giving glory to God for what he had done and a time of prayer for Michella in her room. My lovely British friend Charlotte put a lot of thought and time into preparing for our worship time and it was wonderful. Many gave words and verses for us and Michella. A friend wrote everything down so we can remember later.

Sunday, September 12th - I worked my last shift at Glory Reborn and I felt a little sad about it. It was just so sudden and now I don't work there anymore.

Monday, Sept 13th - I was supposed to leave for Davao but delayed the trip so we could get a bunch of paperwork started. I worked on paperwork ALL DAY and started working on Michella's welcome album. I realized again how much more exhausting I find sitting behind a computer all day than any other kind of work I've done - especially when you are rushing around trying to get stuff done in the midst of answering calls and texts. For some reason I find this kind of work exhausting but by the end of the day I was delighted by how much I accomplished. Now I know what Andrey's life at the office is like. I don't know how he does it!

Tuesday, Sept 14th - Spent the entire morning on the welcome album for Michella. Finished it. Went to the mall to get it printed only to find that that was not possible. Frustrated and just wished there was a Kinko's nearby! Oh and here's the crazy thing! During the morning, our social worker called to see if we'd be ready to travel by September 23rd! Krikey that's next week! This was going way faster than I expected!! I cancelled my already-shortened trip to Davao for that midwifery internship. That will have to wait for another time.

After thinking about this and talking to Andrey about it, we decided to wait until September 30th to travel to Iloilo City to meet our daughter. We will stay for 3 days and bring her home on October 3rd. The reason for this is that Andrey is swamped busy till then and we both agree that as much as we want to bring her home next week, it is best for us all, and especially for her if both of us are available and free to focus on spending time as a family. There are some things that Andrey could probably get out of but he'd still have to work a ton from home as he has much to do before he can take some time off. We were already planning a trip to Canada (now canceled) on October 2 so Andrey was already prepared to be free by then. He'll just have to finish things up a few days early.

Tomorrow we are going to Manila to renew our fingerprints at the US Embassy for the last time. Then Friday I will get the welcome album and our completed acceptance documents in the mail. As soon as we receive Michella's legal documents we can start processing the paperwork at the Embassy that will lead to Michella's visa to the US.

Maybe Saturday I will start shopping for a few things to get Michella's room ready. I want to get a bookshelf and a rocking chair. We learned that she still sleeps in a crib at night which is great because we already have that set up. Some friends here are having a baby shower for me on Sunday. My first baby shower! It's so exciting! Next week I'll be buying a few things, getting her room and closet organized, toddler-proofing the house, and flight/hotel arrangements made for our trip to Iloilo City.

It's nearly midnight so I guess that make it 14 days till we meet Michella. Let the countdown begin!

!!! IT'S A GIRL !!!

When I wrote my last post I had NO idea how close we were to getting the news I have dreamed of over the past few years!

It's really happening! We got the much anticipated but unexpected call on Thursday, September 9th. A referral of a sweet little girl named Michella who turns two this month. She lives in Iloilo City on Panay Island just two island west of Cebu. We are told we should be able to go pick her up in about a month!

Very, very soon I am going to write the whole story of how we got the news of our daughter and reflect on what I've been feeling these past few days. Come Monday I am free to focus on what needs to be done. It has been a whirlwind of excitement around here and I've been working every day so I haven't had time to just sit down and write. It has been full on. I am very happy but also very tired.

So here I am, it's after 11pm on Saturday night and I have to be to work by 6:45 in the morning. But it's MY LAST SHIFT at Glory Reborn for the foreseeable future. I was supposed to go to Davao on Monday but I'm not going, or at least not for the whole 10 days as originally planned. We were also planning to go to Canada in a few weeks and that's not going to happen but that's very okay because we now know of our daughter and will be with her very soon. Just days ago she was a mystery child that I knew existed but couldn't imagine. Now I've seen her face (in a photo) and know her name. She has been born into our hearts and lives already, this little Michella. It's amazing how life can change so suddenly.

Watch Out!! She's Gonna Pop!!

I can't help it! I get my feelings hurt when I'm not included in a reference to those who are expecting. Yeah, I know it's not the same as a nice round pregnant belly that calls for attention but my heart is feeling pretty plump these days...

like it's gonna burst...

an explosive rupture from the pressurized fullness of what's been growing inside for what seems like forever!

There is movement and kicking, achiness and discomfort, and brief moments of panic about what is to come...

there is impatience and craving; there is daydreaming about this mystery child, and sudden unexpected fits of crying that I can't always explain.

I am claiming my right to this group, damn it. That's how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different.

Right now I am grouchy from being overdue. I'm not talking weeks overdue, people. I'm talking MONTHS overdue - and I very likely have an unknown number of months to go. So don't mess with me. I'm giving birth to a toddler!! Maybe TWO! Let's see you real pregnant women do that!