The Look of Hope

On Saturday I worked the day shift. The woman that I wrote about in the beginning of my last post came in for her daily lunch meal. I just have to share with you how different this woman looked! She came in smiling with bright eyes and said, "Good afternoon" to me and the others. Then she looked right at me and thanked me for the fruit I'd left for her the other day. Even her physical appearance was different. She looked clean and was wearing a colorful top, which may have been one of the nicest things she owns. (Many of our women put on their best clothes when they come to the clinic for care so when a woman comes looking like this one did last week, you know she's really destitute.) She looked rested and when I put my hand on her arm she didn't feel shaky. But the most significant thing was that the look of desperation I'd seen in her during our previous encounters was gone. On this day, hers was the look of a woman with hope, whereas before she wore an undeniable look of weary & hopeless desperation.

I learned that she has 4 living children. She's actually had 7 pregnancies including the current one. 2 of her previously-birthed babies died not long after birth for unknown reasons. She's only 27 years old. She has an elementary-level education.

I'm sure her situation hasn't changed much in the past week but what has changed is that she is now a woman experiencing love and care from others - in that, she has experienced the caring hand of Jesus. He is the cure for hopelessness.
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Suffering & Grace

Yesterday a young pregnant woman who came into the clinic asking to see a nurse for a cut on her hand that was bruised and swelling. This is the same woman I wrote about in an earlier post who, with desperation in her eyes asked me if I wanted the baby growing inside of her. She is one of our patients at Glory Reborn and because of her situation, she is one of our "charity cases" which means someone is paying for the cost of her labs and medicines.
Like before, she came carrying her 9 month old child and also her 3 year old. She has a 10 year old as well who is not with her for some reason. Their clothes are dirty and tattered. They look pale and may have not been bathed in a few days. She thinks she is about 5 months pregnant and as far as we can tell, the child within her is much smaller than it should be.
As I was cleaning the wound on her hand I noticed she was shaking. I put my hand on her arm and asked her why she was so shaky. Did her hand hurt that bad? She responded, no. Had she eaten today, I asked. She responded, no. It was nearly noon.
We had just finished lunch and there was mung bean stew with chicken and rice left on the stove. I filled a large bowl and set it before her. She ate and also fed her 2 children. We told her to come everyday for lunch. I sent the guard to buy a bag of fruit. I cried on my way home in the taxi.
I felt such compassion for this woman. I couldn't help but think (especially since she is considering giving up her unborn child for adoption) that this woman represents the type of situation our future child/children may be born out of and it breaks my heart.

Each morning I enjoy watching CNN. The International Edition we get here in the Philippines is a great way to keep up with what is going on in the world. [On a side note, I was shocked when I watched CNN in the US recently at the lack of international news stories. Before we went to DC, I had been following the Zimbabwe elections (among other things) and was dismayed that there was no mention of it (nor the genocide in Darfur, nor the global food crisis) in the hours of CNN that I watched while sick with the flu. Are we that self-absorbed??] This morning in particular I'm finding it hard to watch without crying.

Also yesterday I read an extremely disturbing and tragic story of a man who's wife and 3 of 5 children were killed in a massacre by the Burma Army 6 years ago in Karen State, Burma. An FBR team (www.freeburmarangers.org) recently reconnected with this man and they learned that on Christmas Day, just 4 months ago this man was shot at by the Burma Army along with his 1 remaining son and nephew. The father escaped but his son and nephew were tortured, killed, and partially burned. I read about this man's grief as he cried over his son's remains.

At times like this when I feel the burdens of suffering around me and am unable to adequately articulate what is going on inside me, I am thankful for those who have articulated in song that which I am feeling...

"By Thy Mercy" by Alex Mejias & Ross Byrd, from the album High Street Hymns (http://www.discrevolt.com/groups/view/660)

Jesus Lord of life and glory
Bend from heaven thy gracious ear
While our waiting souls adore thee
Friend of helpless sinners here

By thy mercy, Oh deliver us
Good Lord, Good Lord
By thy mercy, Oh deliver us
Good Lord, Good Lord

From the dips of nature's blindness
From the hardening power of sin
From all malice and unkindness
From the pride that lurks within

When the world around is smiling
In the time of wealth and ease
Earthly joys our hearts beguiling
In the day of health and peace

In the solemn hour of dying
In the awful judgment day
May our souls on thee relying
Find thee still our rock and stake

By thy mercy, Oh deliver us
Good Lord, Good Lord
By thy mercy, Oh deliver us
Good Lord, Good Lord

My prayer then becomes, Lord! Use me. I offer up myself. Show me what to do! and how... when... where... which... who?? Help!!! I can't fix it! It's too much. I examine myself. I am so weak and I fail. I am afraid and lack courage. Where has fear and love of comfort kept me from doing what you've asked me to? What is it that you're asking ME to do? That's all I'm responsible for, right? Have I messed up?

Then, as in direct response to my cries - the next song plays...

He ever loves us in our brokenness
Weeps for every grief we face
Intercedes for us without ceasing
And bids us to receive his grace

His love protects us through the dark night
Never leaves us in our pain
He shelters us in his presence
In weakness he perfects his strength

He ever loves us in our brokenness
In the cross he hides our shame
Forsaken by the Father
He died for us
He took our place
He died for us
He took our place

Recently I've become aware that when I'm in North America, the predominate undercurrent to my thoughts is, "I don't have enough. I must get more" but when I'm in the Philippines the thought that bombards me as I ride around in an air-conditioned taxi with my wallet full of cash, my stomach full, wearing fashionable sunglasses is, "I am so disgustingly rich. I have so much. I have too much and I'm embarrassed."

Going back to Asia & A Few Random Other Things

Whew the past 2.5 weeks have flown by and there is much to share. But as usual, I've not the time currently to do that. I will report the highlights very soon however. 

This evening we will begin the journey back to Asia. Friday, April 18 will not be experienced by us. We board on Thursday and will arrive on Saturday around noon. 

Some good news is that we got a Vonage account and when we get back to Cebu we will set it up. Soon, we will have a Seattle phone number, which I will gladly pass on ASAP. We're hoping that will help us keep in better touch with you and also make it easier to be reached by you. 

Also, you may have noticed that you don't have to sign in anymore to read our blog. Yeah, we dropped the "privacy" aspect in the hopes that it will make it easier for everyone to read more regularly without the need to remember passwords, usernames, etc... 

We realize that since I am the sole contributer to this blog, that there is not so much that needs to be kept confidential that comes from me. I figure, it is only those people who love us and care about what happens to us, that will waste their precious time in order to read my feeble attempts to be articulate as I process my thoughts and feelings.  If you fit in that category and want to keep up with the details of our day-to-day lives, then you should be free to do that - and at your own risk - of boredom or frustration by the sporatic nature of my entries. It is what it is. No sense in trying to be something I'm not (even though I do daydream of having much in-depth, dynamic and thought-provoking entries). Well there is room for growth. Till next time...

Safe Arrival in DC

This morning we arrived safely in DC. It's great to be here but it feels COLD! I think my tolerance to cold has decreased ever since leaving Seattle and especially after living in Asia for 4+ years. I do appreciate the cool, clean air though. And the cherry blossom trees and blooming dogwoods are amazing.
I'll be staying with good friends, Sean & Shannon until Monday when I travel to NY. Andrey will be at a retreat center for the next 10 with work-related stuff.
The trip went well. We had an 8 hour layover in Los Angeles so we took a bus to Santa Monica and walked along the pier and then had dinner nearby. It was great to get out for some fresh air and not stay in the airport the whole time.
Oh and my esophagus problem is nearly resolved. Thankfully, I didn't end up having to have an endoscopy. I had so many people praying for me b/c I really didn't have time to deal with that and so I really cried out to God to handle it for me. I was in a lot of pain but nothing was life-threatening so I decided to forgo the procedure. Miraculously, after 4 days with absolutely no improvement, I woke up Monday morning (the day before we were to leave for America) with a 90% reduction in pain. Hallelujah! I was so happy. I really appreciate being able to eat and swallow like normal now.

USA-Bound

We will begin our journey to Washington, DC today. We'll be in the US until April 17. Every year, we go to DC in April and each year we look forward to it. DC in the spring is really nice. While Andrey is busy with meetings, I will fly to upstate New York to visit a refugee friend of mine who resettled from the refugee camp on the Thai/Burma border to NY. What a change. She is a Karen woman who was our main Babies at Risk worker when I was working on that project in Thailand. it will be great to see her and her family, now living very differently.
I love getting on a plane to America! So fun.

Home Study Underway

Our social worker from Manila arrived this morning in Cebu and we completed the first day of our home study. We spent the morning together at our house answering questions - First about what type of child we are willing to accept; Second- about our marriage; Lastly - about parenting.
After discussing what type of child we were willing to accept, we expanded our wishes a bit. We settled on being willing to take in either a single child (0-2 years old) of either sex or a sibling pair (0-3 years old) including twins or for example, a 3 and 1 year old set of siblings. Funny though how that last option excites me. What are we thinking???
We were told that there are many more boys available than girls (unlike other paternistic cultures, Filipinos prefer daughters over sons). Since we are open to either sex (which may get us a match sooner than later) it is likely we would get matched with a boy. Also, the fact that we are willing to take in a sibling pair may also increase our chances of getting a match sooner than later. Either way we're looking at early 2010 at the earliest to be matched with a child or as late as late 2010/early 2011. But it's in the Lord's hands and we trust He is the one who will do the matching. :)
Tomorrow we will meet with the social worker again for the afternoon. We will tour our house with her and discuss which photos we should take to submit to the Philippines gov't. Then we'll talk with her individually. I'm not totally sure what she'll want to talk about then but maybe our individual histories/backgrounds. We'll see. She's a really nice woman and talking with her is easy. It helps too that we have nothing to hide and we feel confident that we can properly care for the child/children that God prepares for us.
I feel excited and hopeful today and recognize a STRONG desire within me to love a child.

Successful Manila Trip

On Thursday Andrey and I successfully submitted the "Advanced Processing of an Orphan" form with the US Citizen and Immigration Service at the US Embassy. It was a surprisingly quick and smooth process. We were fingerprinted and paid a large fee. We'll have to submit our home study report to them once it's ready and then we can check that big-deal to-do item off our list. It's very satisfying to have that done.

Pain in the Neck Lump in the Throat

I must have eaten something bad on Wednesday because after hours of feeling nauseous and in the middle of the night I vomited for the first time in maybe a decade. That is no fun. Since then I've been experiencing extreme discomfort in my esophagus, especially when I swallow. The pain is so reminiscent of when I had radiation therapy to my neck and chest 13 years ago. This led me to wonder if I tore some old scar tissue lesions in my esophagus. Why else would vomiting one time cause such pain? The whole next day I had a mild fever and nausea but thankfully no more vomiting. By Friday my stomach felt totally better, I had no more fever, but the pain in my throat was no better so I went to see a gastroenterologist. He said it's possible I did some damage to my esophagus but there's no way to know without endoscopy. We agreed to wait a few days and see if it will heal on its own and he gave me an anti-inflammatory to help with the pain. If there's no sign of improvement on Monday he says I may want to have an esophageal endoscopy which requires general anesthesia. Let's pray it won't come to that. We leave for the US on Tuesday.

More Adoption Developments

Our home study is scheduled! Next Saturday, Sunday, and Monday (March 29-31) a social worker is coming to Cebu from Manila to do our first home study. We've booked her flights and found her a place to stay. Now all we have to do is impress her. Oh and get most, if not all of our documents completed by then. It's crunch time! :)

We also got word this week that the documents that we thought we'd file at a later date with the US citizen and immigration service (advance processing of an orphan) are being changed to a much more lengthy and complication set of forms. We were encouraged by Holt to get this form completed and submitted by the end of March so that we can use the older, simpler format. We have to file the form in person in Manila so guess where we're going on Thursday? We just booked flights to Manila and plan to spend the morning at the US Embassy.

We're excited about getting these things done before we travel to the US on April 1st for 2 1/2 weeks. So it's crunch time now but once these things are submitted, the next thing is to wait. In fact, we recently received some information about wait times for adoptions from the Philippines:

"ICAB (Intercountry Adoption Board) approval: It is currently averaging 2.5 months for ICAB to approve a Dossier." (The dossier is what we're working on now and planning to submit, completed, including the home study report by the end of April.)

"Wait for Match: Right now, time frames are currently lower than they have been previously. For the last 5 matches we have received, families waited an average of 13.5 months from Dossier Approval to Match! We hope that this continues to be the case."

"Match to Arrival: Average wait time from match to arrival home with your child is 5.5 months."

Thank you for your support and prayers! :) We're excited.

Things Are Not What They Seem

I was at the mall last night buying a gift for a high school graduate in our home group. I go straight to the sale pile. I find a shirt - perfect size, perfect style - looked at the tag. Orginal price 399 pesos with 2 sale stickers on two different parts of the tag that read 249 pesos. perfect - I wanted to spend less than 300 so I get in line. I wait maybe 5 or 6 minutes b/c they were very busy. I have my money ready. The shirt is rung up and I'm told "399 ma'am". "No, I'm sorry" I say, "it's on sale for 249". "No ma'am. It's not on sale. It's 399." "But these stickers on the tag clearly say that the price is 249." "No ma'am. It's 399. It's not on sale." Then a nearby co-worker repeats the exact phrase, "no ma'am. It's 399." Oh thank you for clarifying that because I didn't hear it the first or the second time.
I have learned after living in Asia for 4 years that taking a situation like this further by continuing to argue or trying to explain why it just makes no sense - 10 out of 10 times proves to be a futile waste of energy. So I smile, say thank you, and walk away - while inside I feel like yelling at someone and retreating to a quiet, relaxing place far, far away from a busy mall when I have too many things to accomplish the night before a holiday in the Philippines. Instead I went for dinner and ordered a beer.

Some Timely Adoption Progress

Since my last entry there has been some welcomed progress made in preparing the documents for our dossier. If you have prayed - thank you - because it certainly is helping. :)

On Monday, I was finally able to speak to a psychiatrist to confirm that he could provide a psych eval prior to me making an appointment. He agreed and we made appointments for Wednesday. I was so happy about this development. However, when we showed up for our appointment yesterday and the Dr. looked at the requirements needed for the evaluation, he said he thought it best for us to see psychologist at a nearby university instead. Disappointed, we said thank you and then went straight to the university to try and get an appointment. The psychological department was closed for the Holy Week holidays. Most places are closed Thursday and Friday this week but we learned that many close beginning on Wednesday - so no progress there. I will have to wait until Monday to try and get us appointments. We need this completed by the end of next week.

Some really good news is that Andrey had a successful visit with a physician on Tuesday that resulted in a completed medical letter. Yeah!

My physician, who I had a check up with 1 month ago, finally (after several emails, calls & texts) completed my medical letter. I was told I could pick it up yesterday but when i arrived at the clinic her receptionist was not there to open the locked drawer that contained my letter. That will have to wait until next week also.

Another document needed by next week is a police clearance letter (like a background check). In order to get that we first have to get a proof of residence from our local neighborhood community hall. I went there yesterday to get that but was turned away because the 1 person who does that sort of thing just delivered a baby and apparently they have no one to fill her position. I was told that she'll be back on Tuesday from 2-3pm. We'll see how the second attempt goes.

Keep praying!

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated today I was actually brought to tears. For nearly a month now I have been attempting to line up psychological evaluations for each of us as they are needed for our adoption dossier that we intend to complete by the end of March. I won't go into all the details but let me just say that I have made numerous phone calls, sent numerous texts, searched numerous websites and I still do not have a psychologist identified who can help us. I've even been in contact with two providers (which makes it worse b/c then I actually think I'm getting somewhere) but with no success. For some of the others all I want to do is speak to them for 2 minutes (necessary since the receptionist has no idea) prior to making an appointment so I can find out if they can actually provide what we need. This has been like pulling teeth!
The way it's worked so far here is that I call the landline number of the office, I'm given a cell phone number of the secretary whom I am supposed to text then she/he responds via text and asks repetative questions that don't address my original questions then I'm told to come into the office to speak to the doctor but I can't make an appointment to do this - no, no one keeps appointments here - I just have to show up on the day the doctor is supposed to be working and wait behind everyone else that don't have appointments. Seriously, SO many things work like this here in the Philippines. It's like people have ALL day to accomplish the simplest tasks! This of course is my Western mindset at work. We have busy schedules. We make appointments. We are expected to be on time and we expect our service providers to also. Now of course i realize that waiting for doctors is also part of the deal in the west so i'm not trying to paint an unrealistically rosy picture here. But come on!! At least back home you can usually get the information you need from the receptionist prior to making the appointment so you at least know you're not going to waste your time waiting for nothing.
So today I decided to give up on my two hopeful contacts (I've been waiting for them to get back to me) and just search online for any psychologist I can find at any of the hospitals i know of in Cebu. The one website that i found to one hospital that actually gave me a list of providers looked promising so i wrote 3 of the 5 names and phone numbers down (the other 2 i had already tried). So I dialed Doctor # 1: I was told by the receptionist to call back at 12:30 and she promptly hung up. Doctor #2: the number is currently not in service. Doctor #3: Same message: this number also is not in service.
This was when i had a slight break down and cried to release my frustration.
And this is just the psychological evals! I'm experiencing a very similar experience with my medical letter and our police clearance letter.
Help me!! Doesn't anyone understand deadlines!!??
Wow. i guess i'd better be careful not to let the psychologist i do find read this post - he/she might think i've lost it. Personally I think it has a bit to do with the less than 3 hours of sleep i got last night at the clinic. ah well, i feel like it's okay to vent on my own blog and i'm glad i could do that today since Andrey's not here for me to whine to...