More on Adoption & Being Ready for Motherhood

In the past week or two I've found myself more comfortable with referring to our future adopted children as "our kids." I feel like I can almost imagine who they are. I can clearly imagine two. Siblings. A boy and a girl perhaps? That is less clear. I can't imagine their ages. Part of me really hopes for a baby but I'm trying not to get too excited about that for fear of disappointment.

Perhaps I'm just making all that up but when my parents were visiting my father encouraged us to be specific when praying and asking for children. So I've been thinking about what my "ideal" option would be. It sounds weird but I thought it couldn't hurt. After all, I'm not getting my heart too set on any one specific thing and I know I can not limit God's plan by dreaming and praying. It's not like I'm going out to buy a double stroller with a baby carrier attachment.

While in Alabama I had a long conversation with my parents' neighbor. She and her husband adopted a toddler from the Ukraine. She said something that struck me. She said that she just knew that God had created her son specifically for their family. At first I found I couldn't agree completely as I believe God does not intend for families to not be able to care for their children or for a mother or father to choose to abandon a child. But what I've come to embrace as my own view is the belief that our children were created with Andrey and me in mind.

That has brought me to the place where I feel free to refer to those children (whoever and wherever they are) as ours... and mine. This has helped me in praying for them. I find I am already becoming connected to them in some way. I think about more often than before.

My prayer for them is this. That they would experience God's love, somehow. That God would reveal himself to them and that they would know him, even as very young children. That they would experience his comfort and love - despite their care situation but ideally through the loving touch and attentiveness of their carers. I pray the Lord be with them in a close, personal way. That they know his peace, his joy, his comfort, his protection and security.

Even as I write this I hear the voices of doubt hovering just below the surface of my mind saying,

"That's not possible. How can that be? That's unrealistic. You're asking too much."

But that's what hope and faith look like. Believing for the impossible knowing that God desires to bless us with more than we can even ask for or imagine. (I still think I'll be pregnant one day.) For I firmly believe that he is trustworthy and faithful in all he does. And that those whose help is from God, whose hope is in the Lord, are blessed. And those who put their hope in the Lord will not be disappointed. These are the truths that have carried me through our struggle with infertility and I choose to believe them - not because it feels good to believe them but because I personally know the God behind those promises and I know from experience that he. really. is. good. So how can I go wrong?

It's not that I believe that no way are our children going to grieve or struggle with attachment or face challenges common to adopted children. Those issues just seem reasonable to me for children who experience tremendous amounts of loss and uncertainty before and through the process of adoption. So I'm doing what I can to prepare myself for these things so I'm not blind-sided and left without resources to deal with them.

And at the same time I am holding out hope for having a relatively positive adjustment period. I've read about particularly resilient children that seem to be able to deal with transition and change shockingly well. But regardless, I feel confident that whatever we are faced with, (and I do expect trials!) we are going to be able to handle - with God's help and with reasonable preparation and support from others.

So I declare these truths over our children:

Though [your] father and mother forsake [you], the Lord will receive [you]. Psalm 27:10

The Lord will keep you from all harm. He will watch over your life, the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121:7-8

At times I really feel like something is missing. In the last month or two especially I've become aware of this place in me that feels ready. I feel more than ready. I want my children. I want them with us. I want to be the one to care for them. They belong with us. At times I've tapped into this deep place within me that groans in anticipation. I am becoming a mother.

Last week there were signs that the time may have been right to try and make a baby. I mean, why not? And then it occurred to me. If I were to (miraculously) become pregnant, our adoption process would end. I was suddenly aware of my desire for those Filipino kids I've already set my heart on. I choose them.

At church on Sunday there was a baby dedication. My first thought was how I want so badly to dedicate our children to the Lord in this church. The desire was so strong I had to fight hard to keep from crying. So I prayed for that specifically. As my father encouraged me recently and as it has been said, "You have not because you ask not."