On Comments and Curious Inquiries from Strangers

"Is your husband a Chinese?"

"Is she your child?"... "Yes"... "So you prefer black hair?"

These are a few of the stupid comments I got this week when Michella and I were out on our own a few times. 

And the least annoying question this week...

"Is she your niece?"

Michella being my niece would actually be a pretty decent and realistic reason why this white woman is hanging out with a Filipino child. Perhaps I am visiting my brother who is married to a Filipina (much much more common than a white person adopting a Filipino child while living in the Philippines) and taking care of their child for the day. Nice one, lady. I just told her, "No, she's my daughter" and was glad she didn't ask any more questions.

I'm learning how to deal with such inquiries from strangers. It's easy when people are just being ignorant. I know that the best way to deal with that is to give a short, unsatisfying reply just to give the message that I'm not interested in talking and walk away if possible. 

But what about when the questions aren't particularly offensive, annoying or ignorant, how should I handle that? I had a chance to learn about this recently.



I took Michella to a play area in the mall. There were a few other moms there with their kids. One of the moms watched us for a bit. We made eye contact and smiled at each other. She asked me if Michella was my adopted daughter. I said yes with a smile and went back to our playing. After a few minutes, she inched closer and started asking more questions showing she was familiar with and thought positively of adoption in the Philippines (not the norm).

She asked me how old Michella was when I got her and then made a very nice comment about how she was sure Michella would do well because it was so clear that she was very loved and cared for by me. This caused me to let my guard down and because I had already answered a few of her initial questions, it was really hard at that point to not reply to her other questions.

She asked about where Michella came from and talked about how it's too bad the process takes so long and that we couldn't get her sooner. Then she asked if Michella's parents relinquished her directly to me. I said, no, everything went through the Dept. of Social Welfare. I could tell that Michella was beginning to get very uncomfortable, even though she had played and was having a great time up until this point. Then she suddenly became very grouchy and clingy and pointed to the exit, clearly indicating she was done and wanted to leave NOW. I find it remarkable at how quick she is to pick up on when she's being talked about, even when she doesn't understand much of what is being said.


I processed this later and wondered how I could have handled it differently. I discussed this with another white adoptive mom with Filipino kids here in Cebu. She shed some good light on this for me. She said that for her, she's fine discussing a few of the details with people she knows or someone she's just been introduced to if she knows it is someone she will see again and likely become friends with. But for strangers, she said that she never discusses details just to satisfy their curiosity even if they are being kind. She will say something like, "Sorry, but I don't discuss such things in front of my child" and then walk away if possible. My friend also said that with her older adopted kids, she just tells the person to ask them directly if they want to know something. And if they want to answer they can and if not, she knows that they will easily blow the person off.


This resonated with me. It makes perfect sense that I shouldn't feel obligated to share information even when such strangers are being friendly. And the only way to avoid it is to cut things off in the beginning. I can find a polite way to inform them that it's not best for my child to discuss her history in front of her. Of course I do reserve the right to not discuss her history with strangers even when she's not around either (although this is a moot point since I am never not with her these days).

So for the record, I don't mind discussing details if I know you. Ideally, for some of the more personal information, like what we know about her birth family, this would be discussed without Michella present. We are not planning to keep this information from her as it is her history and she should know it as soon as she shows interest or even before that. I'm just referring to discussing such things with others outside our family in front of her as it's very personal. It's my job to be a good steward of what we know about her history and protect her from unnecessary discomfort related to her background for the sake of people-pleasing.