My girl and Jesus

My daughter is the cutest thing these days I just want to freeze her in this stage. Age 5 is pretty awesome I have to say. I love her questions and curiosity about the world around her and I love that she discusses much of it verbally with me. She is still very interested in birth and still asks to watch a birth video just about every day. She is becoming quite knowledgeable! She is very affectionate and lovey and regularly tells me she loves me. How did I get such a wonderful girl like this? She is just amazing.

We've been reading the Jesus Storybook Bible a lot lately and she's been asking lots of questions about Jesus. We pray every night together and she always asks for a baby brother or sister and a baby for her Mommy who really wants one. She also prays for my friend who is set to give birth any day. Recently she prayed, "Jesus help T and her birth and help her not to have any tear in her private parts." See, I told you she is quite knowledgeable! And thoughtful! What a great thing to pray!

We regularly discuss how Jesus is always with us and he hears us when we pray and loves to speak to us if we listen. Yesterday we got in the car for a bit of a long drive to do a prenatal check up (I must post about that soon as there are some exciting things happening for me with midwifery again). I asked her if she wanted to listen to music or watch a movie or play a game on my ipad during the drive. She said, "No, I just want to hear what God has to say." I wasn't sure what she meant at first so I asked her to clarify and she repeated herself. So I said, "You mean you want to ask Jesus to speak to you and listen to what he wants to say?" and she gave a sincere yes. So we did and right away she said, "I heard him." I asked what he said and she replied with "he said I love you."

It's so wonderful to see her not just learning about Jesus but experiencing him and his love. I am a happy momma.

What a difference a year makes

We just got back from a three-week trip to the US and Canada.  At the end of our trip we got to spend a week with Andrey's family.  Ella and her cousin Annika got along so well and had so much fun that it was difficult to get them to do anything else but play together.  (Suddenly we were having numerous urinary accidents because of how much fun Ella was having. She didn't want to miss any of it!) They held hands in the car.  And for the first time, I saw Ella spontaneously give a hug to a friend.  A few times, she walked over to Annika and gave her a huge hug.  So sweet.

At the end when we were saying good bye, both Andrey and I hugged Annika.  With each hug, Ella mildly protested and said, "Ella's Mommy!" and "Ella's Daddy!" She wasn't upset, she just declared the truth to make sure Annika understood.

It made me so happy to see this.  To me, this was an example of her secure attachment to us. She was claiming us as hers. And she did so confidently.

I compare this to where we were at a year ago.  Same Spring trip.  In DC at a friend's house who had a 2 week old baby.  I held the baby and Ella pitched herself onto the floor crying.  She was so upset that I quickly passed the baby back to his momma so I could hold and console my daughter, assuring her that she was my daughter, I was her momma and always would be.

That is the difference between insecure attachment and secure attachment.

We are a year and seven months in to parenting our Michella, who is thriving.  She is a gem and we love her to pieces.

Now check out this adorable video of Ella and Annika having snacks behind the couch at Grandma and Grandpa's house last week.  Cheers!

More Nosy Ladies

I ran into another extremely nosy and tactless lady at the market yesterday.  Opposed to my last nosy lady interaction, I responded so much better this time.  I think it was a bit easier to handle the barrage of questions about me and Ella because they were directed at the lady I was buying mangoes from.  This woman was verbally processing all the questions she had about us and wanted to start a conversation with the seller about us, perhaps assuming we didn't understand a word she was saying.  But I did understand. And the seller, whom I've bought from before, knew I understood, so she was noticeably uncomfortable with this woman's gossipy chatter. 

I was thankful that the seller kept quiet and let me handle it.  So as the lady tried to discuss how clearly American I was and how clearly Filipino my daughter was and wondered aloud where my daughter's "real" mama was, I acted as if I didn't understand but gave knowing glances to the mango seller.  I ignored the nosy woman, but as she continued I began talking to the mango seller in Cebuano and the woman could then see that I understood.  You'd think this would cause her to feel a little embarrassed for talking about us so openly where we could hear but no, she just went on as if her curiosity and questioning was perfectly acceptable.  She then directed her questions at Ella.  Hello baby! Where is your mommy? You speak Cebuano right? At this point I was really annoyed and so thankful that Ella did not understand what she was saying because she said it in Cebuano.  I then employed a local expression that people here use to say I don't want to talk about it in a light-hearted way.  I looked at the woman and said, "Secret!" with a smirky smile.  The woman sort of laughed it off and I left... without giving ANY information and with my daughter's privacy and dignity intact.  It felt so good.

I guess I should be ready for the scenario when Ella is asked Where is your mommy? question in English.  She would probably just look at the person like they were stupid because clearly her mommy is right here.  I really, really hate that question. 

I am finding a variety of ways to respond to strangers' questions.  I recently decided that when someone asks about me and my daughter and they aren't initially really offensive or annoying, and if I'm in the mood, I would take it as an opportunity to educate the person on international adoption.  I tried this last week when I had a conversation with a less nosy woman at our local running track.

On a quick side note.  This woman asked if the child in the stroller I was pushing was my daughter.  Then she asked, Can she walk?  I find this so funny and just tells of the fact that strollers are not commonly used around here.  In the mall, yes.  But not at the running track I guess.  I find it so amusing that her first thought was to wonder if my child was disabled.

Anyway, instead of even letting the conversation move to her asking how it is that me and my daughter don't look alike, I went right ahead and told her that we adopted our daughter and that there are many families around the world who adopt children from the Philippines.  I told her that we waited for three years to get her because we wanted her so bad and that she was chosen for us and how wonderfully happy we are now that we have her.  And then I directed the conversation elsewhere.

I often get this response from strangers who learn a little about our story - Oh she is so lucky!  To this I make a point to say something like, Oh thanks, but we are the ones who are lucky.  She is such an amazing girl and we love her so much.  She is not a charity case and I don't want her to ever think that we adopted her simply out of "the kindness of our heart".  What strangers don't consider is that we needed her as much as she needed us.  What they don't know about is the ache in my heart I carried for years and years as we waited for her.  

It feels very good to be learning how to take control of these interactions and protect my daughter in the process.  I want our discussions about our story and adoption to be on my terms and when I choose to share, I want the conversation to be very positive and natural.  At some point when Ella gets older I may have to direct the questions to her and let her decide if she wants to share or not.  We will have to work as a team to deal with inevitable interactions like these.

Ella's First Dentist Appointment

Ella got her first fillings at the dentist last week.  She came to us with what I thought were at least two cavities, maybe more, and there was nothing I could do about them until recently.  I dreaded the whole dental experience.  So I brought her with me to our dentist and let her see the office, meet the dentist and get the feel for the place.  After several visits she refused to sit in the chair.  When it came time to book a real appointment I realized that I didn't have full confidence in my dentist to work on Ella.  I really like my dentist but she is often distracted during appointments, taking phone calls in the middle of cleaning my teeth.

I was thankful when I got a glowing recommendation from a friend of mine for another dentist who had done some work on one of her kids.  So I took Ella in to the new dentist's office to make the appointment so she could see it and get familiar before her actual appointment. We went back a week later and I had very low expectations.  I talked to Ella about it all week leading up to it and only encouraged her to sit in the chair, open her mouth and let the dentist look inside.  I gauged her readiness by her response to this.  She was very positive (and super-cute practicing what she would do when the dentist asked her to open up) and seemed eager to give it a try.  I was nervous.

On our first visit she totally blew me away.  Not only did she do what she agreed to do, she actually sat there and let the dentist give her a good teeth cleaning.  I was able to sit with her in the chair, and while she was a bit nervous at first when it came time to lean back in the chair, she did so with encouragement from me and the dentist who was super matter-of-fact, kind, patient and all-around disarming. He was perfect. Thank God there were only two cavities. He said he could go ahead and do one of the fillings that day but I decided we shouldn't push it.

We came back a week later and she had her two cavities drilled out without any anesthesia and two fillings put in without even a twinge of pain.  I sat with her in the chair again and held her hands the whole time - not because she wanted that, but because I did - and I noticed that her hands and the rest of her body were so relaxed the entire time.  She was SO CUTE sitting there with her mouth open, body relaxed, tongue fishing around, and alternately turning her eyes to look at the dentist, then the assistant, then the dentist, etc.  This was like NO BIG DEAL for her whatsoever.

It appears that I have underestimated her. 

Ella and Roo

Ella has a special friend - a little purple puppy she affectionately calls Roo, after the young kangaroo character from Winnie the Pooh.  Ella loves Roo and is with him nearly all day and night.  She brings him wherever she goes.  If she happens to forget about him, she will ask, "Where Roo go?... Roo crying!" and run to find him.  When she is not dressing Roo or changing his bum, she is carrying him in the "baby carrier."

She has found so many ways to carry Roo.  I see now how silly those play baby carriers are for kids that one can buy.  Who needs 'em?  All you need is a scarf, blanket or in this case a removable apron strap.

The other type of baby carrier that Ella uses is a "pouch," which of course is appropriate for a small purple kangaroo. 

Here she is with Roo in the pouch but covered with a long shirt.  I love how she has her arms around her Roo-filled pouch, just like a pregnant woman.  She is so nurturing and affectionate with her "babies."

I was so impressed with this one.  I guess there wasn't enough space in her jeans so she grabbed her bathing suit and put it on. 

She also loves to "feed" Roo.  You can't really see it here but she has her shirt pulled down from the top to expose her nipple so she can line Roo up just right.  After all, positioning is important for a good latch.  ;-)  I have my good friend Hanna to thank for modeling this effective, over the top (no pun intended), nursing style.

She is so into Winnie the Pooh these days.  She has adapted Pooh's common expression of "Rumbly in my tumbly" and has made it her own.  She often lifts her shirt, rubs her tummy and says, "Oh YES! Tummy rumble!!" And it is the cutest thing ever. 

She is such a precious girl.  I am enjoying her so much.

Are we there yet?

I find myself in the throes of potty training... again.  Sigh.

I posted back in September that my daughter was potty-trained.  That declaration was premature.  It came after two weeks of potty success and was the day before she decided she didn't want to give up diapers just yet.

I had initiated this "potty-training" a few weeks before her 3rd birthday.  I did this because she had been showing interest and signs of readiness.  For months previous to this, I polled friends, asked for advice, waited and waited and decided it was time to give it a shot.  It worked for a while and then I gave up when it became clear that it wasn't working anymore.  As I got more and more worked up about it (and got worked up about getting worked up) I realized that I needed to back off and not risk causing damage to her sensitive, developing character. 

Another factor I have to admit was the fact that she was about to turn three, which at some point had become an arbitrary marker and outer limit of when she should be out of diapers.  I'm not sure where I got that except that it seemed most of my friends had their kids potty-trained well before age three.  And so I felt pressured.  Not by anyone directly, mind you.  No one has ever said anything to me to make me feel like I was doing a bad job nor questioned or judged me about why my daughter was still in diapers.  It was simply pressure I had put on myself after comparing my daughter to her friends.  And here lies lesson #1,488 of the undoubtedly infinite number of lessons I am to learn as a parent:  Don't compare your child to other kids her age.  I must do what I feel is best for her and not let myself be swayed by what other people may think.  Like duh!

Another thing I did wrong was that I made a big deal out of it.  I got excited. I thought we had arrived. I praised her when she did it and reminded her when I was afraid she'd have an accident.  What those two weeks in September taught me (and many other diaper-free hours since then) is that she can do it.  She knows she can do it.  She knows I know she can do it.  There isn't any "training" to be done.  I just have to wait till she decides she wants to and is ready. 

It helps me to think of all the strides she has made in the past six months in regard to her level of security and independence. It seems a lot to expect that she will jump ahead with this at the same time. We've only been together 16 months so why I am expecting her to be on the same time line as a child who's been with the same mommy since birth?  In every other area we have strived to let her lead and wait till she showed us she was ready for a new level of independence. This shouldn't be any different.

So everyday for the past 4+ months we have given her the option and let her choose diapers or undies.  Up until about a week ago she was consistently choosing diapers.  Except for the occasional reminder that one day when she's ready she will not need diapers anymore, I haven't said much and have remained very laid back, hoping and trusting that at some point things will change. 

Last week she started choosing undies more often but only for part of a day. One day last week she chose to wear underwear all day even though we were going to be out most of the day.  She did amazing.  We went to a friend's house for a play date and she did great. Then we went to a birthday party and she was 100% successful again.  Either she told me when she had to go or I'd clue in to some cues and ask her and she'd agree to go.  I couldn't believe it.  Each time she used the toilet I just tried not to make a big deal of it and act as if it was perfectly normal but occasionally I'd let my excitement take over and I would say something like, "Wow Ella good job! What a big girl thing to do!" I was so excited that evening when I reported to Andrey how the day went.  He told me not to get too excited.  I suspected he was right but was feeling extremely hopeful.

The next day she chose diapers and only diapers for several days following.  Then today she chose undies even though we were going out.  She did great in the morning but by the afternoon refused to use the potty even though she was giving cues that she needed to go.  I didn't push it and we ended up with pee on the car seat on our way home.  Later at home I knew she needed to go but she was resistant to using the toilet and that's when I started to feel really frustrated.  At this point I just don't get it. 

I'm frustrated because I have been patient and willing to stay put for a while.  I wait until she gets behind the wheel, pulls up next to me and says, "Hey mommy let's do this!"  At first I'm just enjoying the ride, not saying a word, preparing myself for her to pull over any minute. But then we get a ways down the road and I begin to see our destination and it's so close and it looks so fun. So fun that I imagine that we're already there and I start talking about how great it is. And then suddenly she slams on the brakes puts the car in park and starts walking back in the opposite direction.

I guess I thought it would just happen all at once with her deciding she was ready and never going back.  I figure she probably picks up on my hopeful excitement as nudging her to move forward and she begins to feel like she's not in charge anymore so she pushes back.

I really am trying not to get so excited, let her have as much control as possible and keep my expectations low.  I can do it for a while but dang it, I'm human and no matter how hard I try I just don't like living in this tension of thinking maybe we are there but oh not yet.  I have resolved myself to not putting on pressure and waiting for her to do this in her timing but this stopping and starting is just frustrating and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. 

I just needed to vent about that. 

As I take a deep breath at the end of today I realize that we have had more progress in this area in the past week than we've seen in months.  We have to be getting closer.  Maybe she just needs to make a few stops along the way and I should just enjoy the ride and not get so caught up with where we are going.  I can resolve to start fresh again tomorrow with a loving and accepting attitude of whatever she chooses and help her to feel in control again.  I haven't totally screwed this up again, yet, I don't think.  I can do better tomorrow as I remind myself that she has to be the one to initiate this.  It has to be up to her to set the pace.  If I can keep my mouth shut!

If this is what my gorgeous daughter wants to do with those cute little undies that have been sitting in her closet for the past year, then so be it. 

I mean, how many parents can say their child can swim before they are out of diapers?  

Ella at 3 Years, 4 Months

Lately I find myself amazed at our little girl - amazed at the things she says, does and the little person she is revealing to us as she grows and develops.  I can't help but say things like, "Oh my gosh, she just is so great!"  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with love for her and a desire to smother her with hugs and kisses.  I remind myself how at some point I will have to respect her space and hold back on expressing my emotions in that way but for now she lets me for a few seconds anyway.

This morning when I was holding her during Sunday morning worship I remembered the feeling of desiring so badly to hold a child in my arms. She is quite heavy these days, a good 14 kilos. My arms may ache and I may at times complain but all I have to do is pause for a moment and think about the years of waiting and longing for her to realize how special it is to have her in our family, in our lives, stitched tightly into our hearts. 

Ella is doing exceptionally well these days.  She is generally very cooperative and happy and fun to be around.  She is full of energy and demands much time and attention while at home but that's normal for a 3-year-old who's an only child.  Anytime we are at home her mantra is, Play Ella? and does her best to pull me away from any task I might be trying to work on.

She is soaking up lots of extra attention these days as Andrey's parents have been here the past several weeks. It is so wonderful to see how much Ella loves them and enjoys spending time with them. And just as great is how much they enjoy spending time with her. Andrey and I have gotten two dates in over the past two weeks and I've been able to leave Ella at home with them a few times. They even took Ella out on a date all morning one day last week. Yay for Grandparents!

So what is Ella into these days?

- She has pretty well caught up in her language abilities.  It is amazing to me how quickly she learns and picks up new words and concepts.  She loves to be read to and is able to recite stories from books. She loves to talk about what she sees on the pages and ask questions.  Her imagination is developing and she is quite good at pretending. She can become very animated when talking about frogs and crabs and other animals she is imagining.

- Some cute things she says:

• Careful Mommy, sharp!
• Be patient, Daddy.
• No Pat no! Don't sit on that! (from Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss.)
• What's dat Momma? 
• Wait sa ha! (Cebuano expression meaning, hold on just a second, okay?)
• Mommy pas pas oi! (Cebuano for Hurry up Mommy!) 
• Ta ta for now! Gotta lot of bouncin' to do! (Quoting Tigger from Winnie the Pooh)
• Wait, Ella check something! (when asked to do something and she attempts to buy time)
• Look (at) me! 
• Ta da!!!

- She loves to sing. She spontaneously sings Happy Birthday, the ABC song, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle, Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed, Jesus Loves Me, Angels We Have Heard on High, and some of her own made up songs. The other day she sang a song using only these four words - Mommy, Daddy, Ella, Love - in random order to the tune of Frere Jacques.  Hello!?  Total cuteness!  She has such a sweet voice and can sing in tune. 

- She is beginning to be helpful in the kitchen.  She can crack a raw egg, peel and chop a hard-boiled egg, use the electric mixer, measure, mix, pour, and is especially good at licking up any last dregs of anything chocolate.  She loves to wear an apron and help mommy in the kitchen.

- She started calling me Momma a few weeks ago and I love it.

- She is very particular about what she wears.  What is up with three-year-olds taking way too long to decide what they want to wear!?  I try to let her choose as I want her to learn good decision-making skills and feel confident in her choices but when she insists on wearing long sleeves and fleece jackets, I can't help but protest. I've finally decided that long-sleeves are fine and it's probably just a stage so I'm just trying to go along with it.  She has a few beloved items that she wants to wear nearly every day if she can.  She loves to be the one to do the picking of clothes and can take a painfully long time making a choice. "Ummm, maybe, uhhhh" while she searches the closet for her beloved items (I had to hide some of them). And then she'll want to change her outfit at least twice a day.  One minute we're playing, the next minute she's all, "Not this one, Momma" and starts to take off her shirt.  Oh here we go again!  This is frustrating when it happens several times a day.  She loves her PJs and insists on wearing the fleece striped blanket sleeper kitty cat PJs as often as possible.  At least she sleeps in the aircon. But seriously, our average temperature here is 30C and I'm not sure why but the whole clothes things just annoys me. She has all these really cute shorts and t-shirts that are just taking up space in her closet.  I may just give them away.  Maybe she is meant to live in Canada someday.

- She carries her "babies" around all day in a baby carrier, calls them Baby Gabe or Roo

- She loves to run, ride her "big girl bike" and is swimming like a school-aged kid.

- She is very affectionate and still loves lots of cuddles in the morning, after a nap and before bedtime.

What a beautiful child, she is.  I am so thankful.

I really want another.

To end the Christmas Season...

Today's Snapshot

I'm thankful for the simplicity and fullness of today.

We were in sync.

We played. We shared laughs and food. I read to her. She chatted. She gave me spontaneous kisses. She napped. I carried her around the house. We grocery shopped. 

We made cookies.

She created Play-Doh turtles and towers while I cooked dinner.
(And hammed it up as soon as I pulled out the camera.)

The highlight was hearing her sweet three-year-old voice sing the well known line in the song "Angels We Have Heard on High," Glorrrr-o-o-o-o-ohhhh-o-o-o-o-oooo-o-o-o-o-orrrr-ria over and over and over again  as she continually requested the song to be played. We sang it during breakfast, we sang it in the car, we sang it as she danced around in the shower before bedtime. Such a sweet voice, such simple joy. These are the moments I will ache for when she's older.

Today was a good mommyhood day.

Ella & Tessi

Photo by Hanna

My friend Hanna and I are into our third week of toddler-sitting trade-offs and it is going so fantastically well. Ella and Tessi have become good buddies. It is so difficult to get Ella to leave Tessi's house when it's time to go. They have such a great time together. It's so cute when they each have a doll in the baby stroller with a purse on their shoulder and declare, "Bye! We're going to the mall!" Tessi's mom and I are loving the few hours a week of freedom we are getting because of it. It's a win-win-win-win!

Family

We noticed many months ago that our daughter is really good at remembering the names of people she meets and their family members. For instance, whenever we talk about Ella's good friend Tessi, she will usually ask about Tessi's brother, mommy and daddy, all by name. At night we pray for our god-daughter in the US. When we pray for her Ella always interrupts and lists the names of the rest of the family members, all five of them. She met them for the first time in April. If we talk about her cousin in Canada she will always say, Uncle Mike, Auntie Lisa! Or my brother in Florida. Uncle Luke, Aunt Tonya, Hattie. I could go on.

It wasn't until recently, when she started often listing the names in our family, Mommy... Daddy... Ella! that it occurred to me what this means.

This shows me that she is beginning to understand the concept of family.  In my adoption reading during our wait for a child, I learned that many adopted children do not understand what family is and that it has to be learned, or re-learned.  I had never considered this before but it made sense to me. Ella only had female caregivers during her first two years of life.  It is only reasonable that she clung to me right away but for many months wondered why this big white guy kept hanging around. She had no concept of a male caregiver, much less a father.

I now think she gets it. She knows that I am her mommy, Andrey is her daddy and that we belong together and will stay together. Attachment is a process and I'm not sure we can yet say "we've arrived" but this is a pretty significant development in the process. I am so pleased and so thankful.

Lately she's been interested in the baby carrier again after many months of not needing it or using it. Last week she asked to be in it with me after she woke up from a nap. I was surprised when she wanted to stay in it for nearly 30 minutes with her head on my chest like a baby. Even our relationship is still in process.

I am just amazed when I think of how far Ella and Andrey have come in their relationship in 14 months. A few nights ago she asked to go in the baby carrier with daddy for a nighttime walk. I can't recall her ever being carried by daddy in it on the front. She only went in it a few times on his back during hikes last Spring in the US and her going in there wasn't by her request but because mommy was really tired of carrying her. This was different. This was voluntary, requested, cuddly-closeness with her daddy.

As much as Ella needed a family, we needed her. We longed and ached for a child for most of our eight years of marriage prior to her joining our family. And for the record, she is not the lucky one. We are.

Ella's daddy has been patiently waiting for his daughter's love and affection for a long time. He hasn't pushed it, even when he could have, even when I thought he should, he didn't. He waited and let her initiate each gradual level of connection. And oh it has been so very gradual but would you just look at them now!

Getting Out (without Ella) - Progress!

I left Ella at her friend's house yesterday for just short of 2 hours and she did great! I went to a coffee shop and got a good bit of work done on our family budget. My pile of receipts was getting out of hand. She waved bye to me when I left and didn't seem to care when I returned. She was having a blast and didn't want to leave so I stuck around and chatted with my friend over coffee while Ella and her buddy took a nap together. I almost couldn't believe it. It wasn't painful for either of us. Score!

And last week I was out in the evening and asked Andrey to take care of Ella. I knew I probably wouldn't get back till at least 8:30 or 9, which is past Ella's bedtime. I decided I'd go anyway knowing that it would probably mean Ella would still be awake when I got home, but I encouraged Andrey to at least try. And you know what? She didn't get upset or cry for me at all! She just asked about me and Andrey kept telling her what she knew already, that mom was out on outreach (she knows what that means since she usually comes with me and I think that helped to have a picture in her mind of where I was) and would be back soon. Andrey told her that it's okay, she can wait for mommy if she wants but they will wait together in her bedroom. He gave her an option of the rocking chair or the bed. She said "rocking chair mommy." Andrey explained again that mommy's not here to rock her but if she wants to lay in the bed he'll sit next to her and they can wait for mommy together. After a while of tossing and turning, she fell asleep and didn't wake again till morning!

So it's been a great week! I am so pleased with the progress we are making. My friend and I have decided to take care of each others' girls for a couple of hours once a week. I could get used to this! :-)

A New Level

She even drew a crowd of Korean tourists the other day pulling stunts like these. You'd think she was a pinoy tourist attraction the way they were smiling, oohing and aahing at her. 

Getting Out (without Ella) - Is it time?

Since Ella’s become more verbal (she’s using lots of 4 and 5 word sentences now), we are getting more insight into what she’s thinking and feeling. We’ve noticed a theme when we read books together. It appears that Ella’s main concern when reading books is the presence of the mommy. “Uh oh. Where mommy go?”

We have one book that has father bear putting little bear to sleep. This one is very difficult for Ella. She expresses concern for the little bear going to bed without mommy. It seems very concerning and stressful for her. In many other books that involve animals she always asks where their mommy is? She seems to wonder why they are alone with no sign of a mommy.

This helps me to see what it’s like for Ella to be without me. I think as far as she’s concerned, as long as mommy is near, all is okay. She’s fine now to stay with Daddy when I go out for a few hours without her like I’ve started doing sometimes on the weekend. This is now easy for her and she happily says bye to me when I go. But I can’t leave her with Daddy during naptime or bedtime. She just won’t sleep and will incessantly ask for Mommy.

I have been the one to put her down to sleep and have stayed with her till she’s asleep every single night for 14 months, with the exception of one night last Spring in DC when I really wanted to attend something that only happens once a year. Ella screamed and cried and clawed the bed with her daddy in the room at bedtime until she fell asleep 45 minutes later out of sheer exhaustion. I was surprised he didn’t come get me. I’ve been there every night because I’ve been able to do that. It’s a luxury we’ve had so we’ve taken advantage of it. It would not have been that way if I had to work or if Ella had siblings. It’s been hard at times but it’s something I’m willing to do as long as I’m able and as long as it’s still working for me (at times I question if it is).

Another time I went out in the evening after Ella was asleep to meet some friends. It was the first time I had done that. Ella woke up and was just too upset and anxious to sleep. She cried and cried and asked to wait by the gate to "watch (for) Mommy." They waited for me for a while and then eventually when it was clear she wasn't going to calm down Andrey called me and said they were coming to pick me up.

I have only just recently started experimenting with leaving Ella with someone other than her daddy. I’ve only done this a handful of times, usually leaving her in a play area at the mall with a friend that she’s very familiar with while I shop elsewhere in the mall. There is definitely some separation anxiety involved but each time she has calmed within minutes. I’m not sure who found that more stressful – her or me. And just yesterday I left her in a play area with the same gal for an hour and she didn't even cry or protest at all.

Now here’s the deal. I haven’t actually left her in the house and haven’t left her for more than an hour with anyone beside her dad. I would really like to be able to get to a point where I can leave her with someone for a few hours at home here and there. My approach up to this point has been to wait for her to initiate readiness for new things instead of me pushing her into something before she’s ready for but with this, I feel like if I wait until she’s happy to be left with someone I’ll be waiting until she’s a teenager. Okay maybe that’s a bit long, but at I’d be waiting at least several more years. Or at least it feels like that right now.

Andrey and I haven’t been on a date out of the house in over 14 months. I’m beginning to think that if that is ever going to happen we are going to have to challenge Ella. I wonder if I can realistically spare her from ever feeling insecure. I am beginning to think that allowing her to face those feelings and experience mommy and daddy always coming back will help her to process her insecurity and recognize that while it may be uncomfortable, her worst fears do not materialize just be being without us for short periods of time. What do you think? Am I on the right track here? I would love your input.

For a while we’ve felt like she’s not ready to be left without us but I think it’s actually been we who haven’t been ready. We haven’t been okay with allowing her to feel scared and insecure because of something we’ve chosen to do. That’s new for us. I just don’t know if we can spare her every negative scary feeling ever. I realize that’s what we’ve tried to do and it was good, especially in the early stages of our bonding and attachment but it isn’t realistic and it isn’t actually our role as parents. Aside from doing what we can to prevent her from re-experiencing the trauma of being left with someone she doesn’t know, it is impossible to prevent her from ever feeling scared or insecure. It is our job to validate her feelings and let her know that no matter how she feels; we are still here and will take care of her.

So I think it’s time to push this a little. Before we leave her in the evening after she’s asleep, I will leave her in the day for short periods of time with someone she knows and we trust.

I have a new friend here. She and her family just moved to Cebu and they have a 2 year old and a baby. Their two-year-old daughter and Ella are becoming good buddies. They like playing together. Her mom and I have decided to do some childcare trades with the two girls. I think this will be a good place to start. Tessi’s mom will leave her at our place for a few hours and then we’ll do that same at their house. This same mommy friend of mine has offered to come over in the evening so Andrey and I can have a date. We’ll do the same for them sometime too. I’m excited to try this!

For now we are going to leave the nap and bedtimes to me knowing that over time, gradually and eventually, Ella will become more open to daddy doing more at bedtime. Since we have continued to see gradual progress in this area we’re not sure we want to push it yet. One thing at a time.

I try to keep in mind that we are only 14 months into our attachment process. That's party why raising an adopted child can be complicated because your child may be physically developed as a 3-year-old but at a very different developmental stage in other areas. It helps me to see her as a 14 month old at times, like when I feel I need to err on the side of sensitivity and nurturing and am struggling to do so. We also have to take into account our needs and our own well-being as parents. And this mommy needs a break from her girl sometimes. I’m sure doing so will make me a better mommy. It’s good to miss each other sometimes and I'm starting to have opportunities to volunteer again using my midwifery experience and I'm super excited about that. I'm itching to get out there, if even for a few hours each week. Oh Lord how I need this.

Ella's First Tobogganing Experience

This Week...

Andrey's been in Manila and is coming home this morning. I told Ella we will go to the airport to pick Daddy up and she said while grunting, "'imup! imup!"and motioned as if she is picking up something really heavy. Cuteness.

Ella played the best I've ever seen with the older girls on one of our weekly play dates. Instead of being content to do her own thing while the other girls played together, she really participated! It brought me so much joy. She was really expressive and funny and made the other girls laugh. They played knock-knock at the door, and hotel in Ella's bedroom and appeared to be having a great time. Ella gave a big smile and waved when they left. The next day she asked me, "friends?"

Ella started saying thank you without me soliciting it from her. What a nice thing to hear after I give her something! She's done it many times since and surprises me every time. I guess all that modeling does eventually pay off. Oh and she also started saying, "Excuse me."

Ella and I did a lot of cooking together. She loves to put her apron on and stand on a chair at the counter to do some "cooking" alongside mommy. We made bread this week and Ella loved playing with her own dough. I also have a large bin full of dried beans that she plays with with lots of containers and scoops and other kitchen utensils.

Ella discovered a new favorite song. Since then she has requested it over and over and over again. The other day I put on a new (to me) Chris Tomlin album. The first song is called Our God and goes, Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other..." I heard her singing along (in the sweetest little voice ever) using the last word of each line. I guess she knows the words from when we sing this at church. ...Greater... stronger... When I turned around to watch her (her back was to me as she was busy with her dough, flour was everywhere) I saw her moving her little body to the music, doing her little half-squat hip-sway. Then she put her hand in the air and when she saw that I was looking she commanded me to raise my hand. "Hands! Mmmee!" I turned up the music and she got down from the chair and discovered her reflection in the oven window, which made her dance even more. She clearly enjoyed checking herself out as she tried out some new moves. Oh my goodness, could she be any more fun and adorable?

Ella is really focused on learning new phrases. She practices saying certain words together now and will repeat them over and over till she feels she's gotten it. She doesn't seem to get frustrated, just focused and determined, just like she's taught herself to swim. She's been able to say several two word phrases for some time (a fave lately is "Bye friends!") but putting adjectives with nouns is new and that's what she seems to be practicing the most these days. Tonight she practiced saying brown bear. She was really thinking about it and said it over and over again while clearly concentrating. After about 5 tries she got it. And she's speaking lots of new short sentences like "Mommy, sit here." When i asked this morning, "Ella do you want your pink shorts?" She replied  "No, brown shorts!" I am so proud of her!

I've picked up the potty training attempts again. A friend of mine, in response to my complaints about getting tired of cleaning huge toddler poops out of cloth diapers in the toilet with a spray gun while trying not to touch any poop (impossible!) suggested I get a little potty (as opposed to the toddler seat I have in our bathroom) and put it in the main area during the day so she can see it. Well, I went out Friday and Ella picked out her own little potty. It's a gaudy little thing but she sure is excited about it. It even plays music. I never would have guessed I'd ever buy such a thing but since we brought it home at 5 pm on Friday, she's hasn't gone pee anywhere else except in that potty during her waking hours at home! My other friend encouraged me to just give it a go again and just be prepared to clean up lots of accidents for a while and know it will eventually get better. (Thanks E and S for the ideas and encouragement! I'm so thankful to have you experienced mommas around!) I'm just wondering... Why haven't I done this sooner? Oh wait, it's because I have NO idea what I'm doing... right.

And the last little item from this week that I'd like to share is that I've decided to make Ella her very own play kitchen for her birthday, which is coming up next month. I've made a plan and am ready to figure out how the heck to do it without any power tools and no Home Depot. I was super excited to get started today until Andrey and I took a trip to the best hardware store we know of. Let's just say I had some unrealistic expectations. I left feeling deflated. (I know my Dad and Dad-in-law know this feeling after they set out to complete home improvement projects during visits to Cebu!) It won't be as easy as I thought but I have decided to rally and get creative. Anyone have any ideas how to cut a small hole in a piece of wood without a power saw? ha ha ha this is going to be fun.

Have a great weekend!

Monday Morning

Sometimes I can feel a little sad with the start of a new week when Andrey goes back to work. It's mainly because I love having him around and the family time we have on the weekends and the welcome break I get not being the only one to care for and entertain Ella. It's just more fun to do it together.

But I know that feeling isn't one I should dwell on. This morning I am reminded of God's faithfulness and his new mercy. I am specifically thankful that my husband has work. Not just work but a dream job in many respects. How many people do we know that do not have work and are struggling to provide for their families? How many families do we know that are living apart due to financial constraints (husbands or wives living in another city because of work opportunities, this is very common in the Philippines)? And here we are with PLENTY and SO so much to be thankful for beyond just financial provision.

I am also thankful for the good health we enjoy. This is easy to remember when I think about our neighbors next door (who are also our good friends) who lost a wife/mother to cancer a few months ago.

I am thankful that I am able to stay home with Ella - that I'm not forced to work. What a privilege. I have realized (again) that attachment is a process and our girl is still very much bonding to us and our family. I'm so thankful I can be a constant presence for her.

Here are a few shots from our Monday morning - quite typical of weekday mornings around here. 

Ella, still in her PJ's out for an early morning bike ride with some cereal in her basket to munch on.

The bees are having breakfast, too. Ella and Andrey regularly have morning walks together and they love to watch the bees.

It's a mobile breakfast this morning.

Another thing to be thankful for - our wonderful helper! It's not even 7 am and she's busy cleaning up the yard waste she chopped down from our crazy jungle garden last Friday. Love this woman!

And here a few moments from Friday afternoon.

With "Ate Rau Rau" (FYI 'Ate' is pronounced Ah-tay and means older sister) Ella loves her play time with Ate Rau2x on Friday afternoons.

 

One of Ella's favorite activities when Daddy comes home from work

 

What are you thankful for at the start of a new week?

Some random stuff and as usual, lots about Ella

Andrey and I finally got to celebrate our anniversary this weekend. Yes, nearly a month late but we were fasting during the actual day and couldn't take advantage of any of the usual celebratory foods - namely chocolate and alcohol. We ordered some yummy food from one of our favorite restaurants and had a date after Ella went to bed. A bottle of champagne, some posh Mexican food, a homemade six minute chocolate cake and a viewing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (love that movie!) made for a fun date night at home to celebrate the beginning of our tenth year together.

Last week I grabbed a few shots of Ella on our little street. She was in a rare mood  - relatively willing to be herself in front of the camera. This girl has so much personality. Her mind and body are active and busy and so much fun to watch.

Ella's weekly play date with R. How cute are they!?  

I found some finger paint this week.  Ella was so excited about it when I bought it for her that she even passed up an opportunity to enjoy the slide at the mall playground (unheard of) because all she wanted  to do was go directly home to paint. After a quick trip to the grocery, that is what we did.

We joined Andrey on a business trip this week. Ella amazed us again with her love of all things travel. Her excitement level is set to high anytime we are in an airport or airplane. When we returned to Cebu, Ella told my friend, whom she's spent a bit of time with, "Airport! Airplane! Fly! Manila!" This photo is fuzzy but it shows how elated she is and how good she feels about pulling her own bag.

Even on long taxi rides, this girl is amazing. Not having a car seat helps. 

At the Manila airport, beginning our trip home to Cebu. Look at my big girl!

Back at home... Sometimes she just does not want her picture taken.

We did a bit of yard work yesterday. Andrey had the garden shears out and Ella really wanted to help so we got her scissors (the ones we recently realized she can use like a pro) and let her go to town on the shrubs. The plants in our garden grow like crazy so it's no harm to cut anything back. After a while, Ella grabbed a chair and sat down in front of the bushes and continued her work. Then she went inside and got a chair for Daddy saying, "Chair! Own!"

Some things Ella is into these days:

•  Loud music, especially her favorite song, that Chris Tomlin song that goes... strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord we will wait upon the Lord... when it comes on she says, "Loud! Sing!" and will sing along with gusto. Oh and she often demands us to sing with her. No talking, Mom & Dad... Sing! (I wonder if I should have her hearing checked because she also really likes turning the TV volume up when watching Elmo)

• Cutting - as I mentioned she is able to use scissors now. When she first found this skill she spent long periods of time (okay, long for a toddler) cutting paper into a gazillion tiny pieces. Lately she is more intrigued by trimming plants outside.

• Food - she's been eating so much lately! Favorite food these days? Chicken. Man can she eat a lot of chicken. 

• Trying out two words together - Up until recently she has been limited to stringing single words together but not making sentences yet. I have encouraged her for months to say things like "blue cup" or "hot coffee." She can say blue and cup but when prompted to say them together she'd just put an uhh or ahh in front of the second word, like "ahh cup." Well last week, she, completely of her own accord, started putting adjectives with nouns. It's very sweet because we can see that she is really focusing and concentrating and when she says something and we understand and praise her, she clearly feels very good about herself. Lately, she's been saying things like water slide, yellow bus, black pants, brown shorts, purple shirt, hot egg, etc... Way to go, Ella!

The other day I told Ella we were going to pick Daddy up (from the airport). She then motioned as if to pick up something heavy and said, "Daddy, 'im up, ughhh, heavy!" She is total cuteness!

You may have noticed I've been letting Ella's bangs grow. This is what it looks like when she takes her clip out. I think it's hilarious because it reminds me of the Adam's Family It. She is not happy about me taking this photo at all.

Next month, Ella will turn three! I am already planning her party. This first birthday together just feels so significant. It will also be one week short of us being together a year so we feel it is appropriate to make a big deal out of it. If anything it is to reflect how full our hearts are. We just want to celebrate! So a pool party we will have at a place near the mountains. I just booked the place today. We're so excited. I am currently researching woodworking plans for the play kitchen I hope to make for her. I'm eager to start a fun project. I bought a bunch of kitchen supplies when we were in the States so I have all that ready to go. Just need the kitchen. There are tons of really cute do it yourself ideas that can be found on line. I just have to pick one and then figure out how to go about it. Should be interesting.

Newbie Mom Worries

My baby is sick. Early last week she started in with a cold. She's had a cough the last few days, mainly at night. Up until yesterday she's been fine otherwise. Then yesterday afternoon I noticed she wouldn't eat much and she kept saying she was tired and wanted to lie down. I should have clued in that that meant she was feeling sick to her stomach but since I've barely ever seen her like that I didn't think about it... until she barfed on me two minutes after we sat down to dinner. Andrey is away in Manila but I had two visitors who were so amazing to get up immediately and clean the barf that trailed from the dining room to the kitchen where I brought Ella to finish barfing. (Yes, I like to refer to vomit as barf. It's the word Ella uses since it's the one we taught her and it is very cute to hear her say 'barf!... barf..ing'. I blame it on the fact that I grew up with two brothers. Throw up/vomit is just gross. I find barf to be the most descriptive and fun word to use!)

She seemed to feel better after that and was able to keep a tiny bit of food and water down so I wasn't worried. She fell asleep fast and hard last night and was only up once in the night with the coughing. I've given her Benadryl twice now over the past two nights to help her sleep. This morning she slept in till 7, which I expected. We got up and I gave her a bit of breakfast. I was encouraged that she ate a little bit of cereal and drank some milk. But here's what is strange. By the time her egg was ready she was nearly dozing at the table and asking to lie down. As soon as I put her down she was out. It's nearly 9 and she's still asleep.

I know it's nothing to worry about at this point, especially since she ate and drank this morning and hasn't vomited again and she doesn't have a fever but it is still very strange for her to sleep this much and be so tired in the morning! I guess she just either really needs the rest or the Benadryl is having some delayed effect. I gave her Benadryl at 11 pm last night though. That was a long time ago.

All this to say, I feel like a classic new mom this morning. Totally fighting the urge to worry. Ella has been sick before, mainly colds and fevers but she's always been her normal self energy-wise. With her seeming so out of it and uber sleepy I am finding it disconcerting.

For now I will pray, and ask Jesus to take care of her and to show me if there is anything different I should be doing. After all, my sweet Ella belongs to the Lord and he is the one who loves her and cares for her way better than I can. I trust him to give me wisdom if there is anything I need to do.

As much as I often wish I had more time to myself to get certain things done, I don't like this quiet Saturday morning with Andrey away and Ella asleep. I'd rather have her up and about making a mess while she "helps" me make our typical Saturday morning pancakes.

Update: Ella's awake and is much more herself now. All seems well and this new mom is relieved.  Have a great weekend everyone!

2 Years, 10 Months (Together 10 Months)

Our sweetie Ella is growing and changing so fast! Andrey and I are especially smitten with her these days. I feel like I constantly want to jot things down so I can remember the latest little cute thing she did or grab the camera to try to capture what she's doing. Our photos do not come close to doing her boisterous and happy personality justice. Partly because we are not good photographers but mainly because when the camera is out she becomes subdued. With Mommy and Daddy and the kitties as her only companions she is in her element and we get to see the real Ella. She is so amazing!!! I wish you could see all that we see but I guess that's what family is about - a safe place to really be and become who you are. As I type, she is spinning around in circles laughing and giggling and falling down saying she's dizzy while Andrey plays the guitar. I love the sound of her laughter.

Ella is making some real gains in a few areas of independence. She is (finally!) beginning to walk more, which is so fantastic because she has gotten heavier and I find carrying her for any length of time challenging. I have been encouraging her to walk more because well, she's almost three(!) and she has shown that she can do it if she decides to so it's not usually about her feeling insecure. Plus, she is only occasionally insisting on it now. I am finding the use of encouragement and praise, small rewards, and referring to walking as something that "big girls" do to be working well. I stopped bringing the stroller with us to the mall. A few times when we've been out and she's asked me to carry her and I encouraged her to walk she has surprised me by walking and then saying, "big girl!"

Her communication abilities have really progressed. As opposed to before when she would say words of things she sees or communicate only when she needs or wants something, she has started trying to explain or tell us about something that happened, but does it partly in gibberish.

Like just now she was playing with the cat in the other room. She came over to me with tons of cat hair on her arm and proceeded to tell me all about it. It sounded something like this, "Uhhh, dee gaw... That one, there.. uhh... pull!, hairs!, arm....Fia!, (laughing) uhhhh, bwe laaa, uhhh, down!" And she involves her whole body when talking like this. Arms waving, pointing, wiggling. It's so cute!

It's like she's ready to interact with us in new ways but is still developing the language ability to do it. She is still learning and using new words all the time and is showing us how she can string more words together to communicate things in more detail. I have been so proud of her lately for communicating with us so well! She is learning that using several words together is really fun and effective!

We are making very small progress in potty training. I am trying the gradual approach. About a month ago when she gives me the signal that she's going to poo (distancing herself and saying "not yet!") I began grabbing her and bringing her into the bathroom to do it in her diaper. Lately I've been encouraging her to touch the toilet when she goes. A few days ago she surprised me by telling me, "Privacy. Poo poo. Bathroom?" So she has begun anticipating the need to poo and waits till she is in the bathroom before she gets started. Progress! Soon I will encourage her to sit on the toilet and poo in her diaper. I just keep telling her that one day when she's ready, she can use the toilet for poo and pee like a big girl and then she will get to wear big girl undies. So she knows, she just has to decide she's ready. 

Lately on the weekends, and thanks to my fabulous husband, I've been able to get some much needed me time. This past Saturday I got out of the house with a girlfriend for coffee while Andrey and Ella got in lots of play time. Last night I went out for dinner with a few friends after Ella was asleep. What a treat!

I've also started having one of the young gals in our church over on Friday afternoons to hang out and play with Ella so I can get some computer time in or do some hassle-free cooking or go grocery shopping together without having to try to entertain Ella and shop at the same time. It's like having a nanny one afternoon a week (it's so nice!). I still have never left Ella with anyone other than Andrey. The hope is to get Ella comfortable with someone so that at some point (hopefully soon!) we might be able to get out of the house together for a few hours.

In light of all this growth, I was reminded of something very important this week. After a period of making significant gains (i.e. playing with friends for periods of time without needing Mommy much at all, playing on her own while Mommy gets something done while at home), Ella may need to back track a bit and require more attention and focused time from me. Just because she gains some independence in a few areas doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore. I had gotten used to a new level of independence that I began to think this was the new normal. Naturally I pick up the little bits of independence I get as a result and run with them.
 This past week some things that I think have been brewing for a while boiled over and she had an extremely rough day. She just lost it and she had an episode that was so reminiscent of the rough times we had during her initial adjustment to our family. Really, we haven't seen anything like it in more than seven months. I realize now that I wasn't cluing in to her need to draw close and refuel emotionally after she had ventured out into new areas of independence. When things are going so well it is easy to forget that she is not immune to emotional breakdowns that may be tied to grief, loss, fear of rejection, and insecurity.

I just often feel so unsure of myself. I question whether I should default to giving her all or most of my time and attention (and get very little done) or to challenge her and give her the opportunity to rise to it. I think I am learning that both are appropriate at times and it is a delicate balance that requires me to stay tuned-in and follow her lead - both when she show readiness and desire for more independence and when she needs to draw close.

I realize that I don't want to push her into anything before she's ready. I like the gradual approach with many aspects of parenting her. Occasionally she jumps forward and shows us that we have underestimated her but in many other things and times she shows us that she is in need of an extra dose of empathy and sensitivity. I'd rather err on the attachment/security side than to push to independence before she's ready. Wow, I am finding it so helpful to be able to process this!

Jeepers this is turning into a long post. Thanks for reading this far! I go a week or so thinking I have nothing to blog about and then when I sit down to do it I realize I actually have much to say - and it all ends up being about Ella! There really are lots of other things going on too but I simply run out of time to share any of it.

So to move on, here are a few pics from the past week or so...

Reading to "baby" using her own language

A, One of Ella's playmates during one of our weekly play dates, hams it up for the camera

Ella and good buddy, R

Cleaning her bike - this was all her idea

Self-portrait

Dear friend M brought baby B over for a visit - I had the privilege of caring for M and baby B before he was born (I did her prenatal care until we got Ella). He is such a cutie!

Ella LOVES babies! If she's around a baby, she wants to hold the baby. She did great holding baby B!

Must have Goodnight Moon before every bedtime, naps included

Getting ready to head to the mall. Ella put her own shoes on and grabbed her purse to show mommy she was ready to go. (It's strange how the flash makes her look a lot darker than she is but my house doesn't have the best light on raining days.)

The other day Ella was in fine form. She grabbed a magazine, rolled it up and played it like a guitar, then she positioned her bike handlebars and pointed to the "microphone". She sang and played the guitar and commanded Andrey and me to clap. Clever girl! (I tried to get Andrey to catch some of it on video. Will try and share some of it in another post.) She has such a sweet singing voice.

I can't hide it. I am so in love with this little girl.