It's About Time for an Update! Life in India has begun...

Holy cow I have really fallen off the blogger world.  Has it really been four months since my last post?  The past few months have been a whirlwind.  Now that we are finally settling in to life in India, it's time to get the blog up to date. 

We were still in Alabama waiting for visas when I posted last.  In March, Ella and I spent a few weeks in Seattle while Andrey was in Chennai working and finding us a place to live.  He had his visa but Ella and I had just strangely been denied.  Thankfully it was an unofficial denial and so based on advice from Andrey's employer we moved to Northern Virginia/DC area for the month of April so that we would reapply for our visas at the embassy there.  We applied in early April and just three weeks later had our visas in hand.  That was a huge miracle and brought on quite a high as we finally made plans to move to India.

After a visit to Nova Scotia in Canada to see our family, we flew to Chennai on May 12th.  We did not expect to be greeted at the airport at 1:00 am by anyone other than the hired driver but to our surprise, we had a cheering section waiting for us.  I was overwhelmed and emotional from their kindness and consideration to give us such a welcome so late in the evening and the fact that after a year of planning, anticipating, praying and waiting, we had finally reached India.  The staff had gifts and signs with our names and were very happy to see us.  Considering they have been waiting a long time without a leader in the office I can see why they were celebrating.  Waiting so long also had us anticipating our move to India so much that we were way more excited about it when it finally happened than we would have been otherwise.

The first ten days in India were blissful.  We were just so happy to finally be here. Everything was exciting.  The heat, the food, the auto-rickshaw rides, our apartment (that Andrey found for us during his trip in March) and new neighborhood were novel and welcome gifts.  We stayed in a hotel for the first three nights while we bought basics for the apartment and then stayed in our new place for a week.  That was our India honeymoon.

An unfortunately timed work project required Andrey to be in Manila for two weeks just 10 days after our arrival in India.  Instead of Ella and I hanging out in Chennai on our own and while the very last thing I wanted to do was pack and travel, we decided to join him and spend time in Cebu while he was busy.  Arriving in Cebu felt strange but we had a lot of fun and were really glad to be there.  We saw all our favorite people, visited all our favorite restaurants and ate lots of favorite Filipino food and treats.  Ella kept saying, "Awww, I want to stay here 100 days!"  By the end of it we were both exhausted and Ella was sick with a virus.  So when we came back to Chennai to our living room full of boxes - our shipment of stuff we had sent away in Cebu 11 months prior - it wasn't long before I was overwhelmed and exhausted and just wanted to give up.  I ended up sick too and so at one point I just put everything on hold until I felt better.  At least we were able to get Ella's room, our room and kitchen set up enough to live before I checked out in bed with a fever.

It's been a month since we flew back to Chennai and we have made much progress.  We bought an oven, a TV, a desk and bookcase.  We are set up enough to live and host visitors for dinner.  Still no photos on the wall but hopefully soon.  We don't have a car yet but just yesterday finally got WiFi set up at home and we have a lead on a driver.  Yay!!

Thankfully, India has Uber!  What a fantastic taxi service that I learned about in the US.  You just book it from your phone, can track their location as they make their way to pick you up and your credit card gets charged automatically after every ride. It has made getting around so much easier.  It's totally professional.  The only challenge is trying to explain to the driver how to find you (although they do have a GPS with your location which should technically help but they always call to confirm or clarify it).  It took me a while to learn how to speak English in a way that is understandable to the Indian ear (still working on that).  It's all about landmarks and switching up your sentence structure.  If you want to say your place is opposite to Blah-Blah hospital you say, Blah-Blah hospital opposite.  I find it helps to do the head bobble while talking to the driver over the phone.  Definitely makes it clear.  I had trouble the first week as I couldn't even tell if the driver was speaking English or Tamil to me!  Lame right?  The accent is just that strong and it's taken me a while to decifer the Indian English.  I still have to guess most of the time or just give the clueless look. 

I have felt a little lonely at times and I realize that there is something very comforting about being in a place where you are known.  That will take some time but until that comes I often feel like I'm out somewhere far away on my own.  Wait a minute.  That's because I AM OUT SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY ON MY OWN (sort of)!  With Andrey working his usual more-than-full-time job, that leaves me with a lot of time to figure stuff out on my own.  There are just days when it is easy to feel a little isolated and lonely.  The nice part of having done this a few times is that I know this is normal and that it will get better.  Thankfully, I have started making some friends and for this early in the game that is really saying something - more than I expected at this point!

I am just so grateful for internet on my phone since we arrived. With Google maps, Uber, Skype, WhatsApp and Facebook messenger I have been able to get myself around and not be totally cut off from connecting with family and friends from afar.  I just shamelessly call or message someone when I need to talk or connect and I know some great people who have been so encouraging and supportive.  Just requires me being a little needy and putting myself out there a bit.  Being in a similar time zone to Cebu has been super helpful as I'm able to connect with friends there in the middle of the day.  Have you tried leaving voice messages on WhatsApp?  I love that feature and use it all the time to have half-conversations at at time.  Now that is just quality time spent right there.

I want to wrap this post up with a list of perks of living in Chennai, India.  Many of them unexpected:

• I can walk to my grocery store, produce market, ATM machine, printer repair shop, dentist,  Ella's pediatrician, and some really delicious ice cream shops.  Now that is something India is not short on.  Who knew there would be so much yummy ice cream everywhere?

• There are always auto rickshaws around when I don't have time to wait for a taxi.  Unfortunately most of the auto drivers are jerks but I'm learning how to haggle with them and get them to take me to more than one location at a time. 

• I love the hot weather!  It's not as humid as I expected and that makes the heat more bearable.  That's the Florida girl in me.  Gimme some heat and I feel at home.

• Cheap fruits and vegetables - hello daily mangoes! 

• Beautiful new clothes.  Chennai is very conservative and traditional and it's important to dress appropriately.  There are many things in my closet I just can't wear here.  And that's fine.  The clothes here are colorful, comfortable and affordable and I wear an Indian tunic (kurta) with various types of India pants nearly every day.  Love it.

• Our house-helper.  She has worked for all the other IJM directors before us and is just wonderful.  She smiles easily and is always ready to share helpful tips with me about making life easier here.  Oh and she loves to cook and bake.  She is a real gem.  Oh my goodness, what the heck do I do all day?!

• Ready-available, fresh, pasteurized, non-UHT milk at every shop nearby that only costs about $.70 per liter.  It must come from somewhere nearby because the packaging date is always within a day or two of finding it.  We have not bought fresh milk since we lived in the States and it just tastes so much better; the way it's supposed to taste.  In the Philippines and Thailand we only drank UHT (ultra heat-treated, boxed) milk that came from Australia or New Zealand and it just has a funny taste to it.   

• A lack of dirty old white men parading around with local women half their age.  Oh I can't tell you how nice that is!  

• When Ella and I are out and about, no one pays us any attention.  Well, we get a little attention but NOTHING compared to the Philippines where there are way more foreigners!  Doesn't make sense but I LIKE IT!!  We get a few looks but nobody really stares and keeps staring.  No one asks me if Ella is my daughter and is my husband Filipino.  We do get asked where we come from and sometimes I say Canada, sometimes the US, sometimes the Philippines.  All are true. :-)

• Online shopping!  India has Amazon and a few other online shopping websites where you can get quite a lot of great stuff delivered to your door.  We now buy our Indian coffee beans online and soon will order medicine too.  Last week instead of taking a taxi to go out searching for a few small appliances I needed and carrying them around along with looking after Ella, I just ordered them from the comfort of my home.  That is hard to beat.  I realize just how American I am.  Now if we can just get some wheels...

Where Are We Now?

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The short answer to this question is Alabama.  The long answer is in this post.

Where did we think we’d be by now?  India.

Some things don’t work out the way you expect.  Thankfully what doesn’t change is that a loving and powerful Father anchors our lives.  

Last March we accepted the invitation to move India.  We left the Philippines in July. We enjoyed five months off in the US during the summer and fall.   After four months on the road touring the US and Canada we ended up at my parents’ house in Alabama for Thanksgiving.  Plan was, we’d apply for Andrey’s employment visa and once that came through, we’d apply for Ella’s and my visa and then we’d be on our way.  By early December, all the requirements for Andrey’s application were submitted and we were gearing up to move to India.  We took a trip to the Florida Keys just to break up the time.  Andrey’s visa came but not until early January.  What a relief, we thought!  Our visas are a given, right?  Give it a few weeks and we should be ready to start booking travel.  We spent a week in the DC area so Andrey could spend some time in the headquarters office and we could get in some social time.  And then the rest of January went by and most of February and no word on visas.  Andrey called the visa-processing agency every Friday for an update and the answer was always the same.  No visas.  No explanation.  Meanwhile, Andrey has been working from my parents’ house in an upstairs office doing his best to lead the team in Chennai from afar. I started homeschooling Ella,  and we starting making a few friends. We've been living day-to-day expecting that any moment we’d get the news we’d been waiting for.

A week ago Friday we decided to show up in person at the office in Atlanta instead of making the usual call.  We thought at the worst we’d get more of the same.  Sorry, no visas yet.  Just keep waiting.  But what we got was our passports.  No visas.  No explanation, but with a new stamp in our passports that read, “Visa Applied For.”  We heard later that this is better than an official denial, although I didn’t know that at the time.  I felt the blood drain from my head when the officer gave us the unexpected news.  How can this be?  Andrey has a work visa but his wife and child can’t join him?  What are we going to do??

I felt discouraged and dejected.  Disappointed.  Crushed.  Thinking this plan, which I have grown attached to, is in jeopardy. 

I mean, didn’t God ask us to go?  Hasn’t he already been preparing things for us there?  Andrey has exciting and meaningful work, Ella has a great school, we’ve already connected with some people living there, I have contacts for pursuing my midwifery dream…  I mean, really there are some really great things waiting for us and I already feel like a part of my heart is in India.

Later that day I felt God gently let me know that this was no surprise to him and he’s not worried.  He knows the end from the beginning.  He knows what is going to happen and I can rest in that.  And then my husband, Mr. Optimistic, tells me he’s not giving up and that he is hopeful we’ll find a way. I remembered how just a few days before I felt God remind me to really be alert in prayer and be pressing in for this because it may not come easy.  Okay, so for some reason, this may not come till we fight for it in prayer.  That’s not unlike how things work for the amazing people who work with my husband and do inspiring work in India and all around the world advocating for people in seemingly hopeless cases but with prayer and a lot of hard work, wonderful things happen.  Why would this be different?  God asked us to go, we will believe he will make a way.  We will live by faith and not by sight.  We’ll give up on it when he tells us to. Actually, since we got our passports back we learned that the last director and his family also got a "visa applied for" stamp in their passports and they did eventually make it to India. We can keep trying for these visas like they did.

With this delay, there have been many blessings.  We’ve had time to get Ella some speech therapy she’s needed (just a little trouble with the ‘s’ sound).  With grandparents around we’ve been having regular date nights.  We have been healthy and well and have been exercising lots.  Now that Andrey is back to work pretty close to full-time, my mom has been a big help for me with Ella and that has freed me up to work on some continuing education for my midwifery certification. I'm trying to re-certify after being on inactive status. We have enjoyed many meals with my parents and Ella has gotten much closer to them than she's had opportunity to before.

What’s next?  Andrey goes to Chennai tomorrow for three weeks.  Ella and I have decided to take a trip to Seattle for two weeks while he’s away just for fun.  Nice part of home school is that it travels with us.  Once we are back we’ll pack up our suitcases and move our temporary base to the Washington D. C. metro area until we get our visas.  

 So this is where we find ourselves.  We have many wonderful people around the world praying for us and we are so grateful.  In the big picture this is no hardship. Waiting can be hard but we know God has much good for us in the midst of uncertainty.

Reflections on Seven Years in the Philippines

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One of the nice parts of our time off and the bonus time due to our visa-delay has been more time to reflect on the life we left behind in Cebu.  After a recommendation from my spiritual director, I took some time on New Year's Day to sit in the woods and write out what I've learned during our time in the Philippines. 

Our church family in Cebu is special and I learned a ton from being with them for seven years. Through their example, I gained a fuller picture of what it means to be a Jesus-follower.  I have learned (still learning) how to integrate my faith into every aspect of my life, which must include engaging with the broken and suffering world around me.  Jesus has such a heart for the poor, the broken, the outcast, and I saw this up-close during my years in Cebu.  I learned that when confronted with suffering, that I am not responsible for changing peoples’ lives or fixing their problems but my job is to show love through care and kindness and share what I have – my time and my resources.  I learned how to use the unique giftings and skills that God has given me to bless and serve those around me. I just need to be faithful with what I have. 

I learned my vocation – what I love to do and what I want to focus on and I now know comes natural to me. This has become crystal clear to me and I can't wait for more opportunities to pursue the following in India:

• Midwifery - my dream is be around birth again but need to find a mentor first to supplement my training and get some more experience
• Birth/breastfeeding care and education
• Women’s health education
• Sex education & christian identity teachings for teens/young adults in the church (there was such a huge need for this in the Philippines!)
• Teaching self-care/health/wholeness/spiritual transformation

I’ve learned so much about myself and what I need to stay rooted, centered & healthy - what sort of rhythms to include in my daily/weekly life that keep me at my best, such as being thankful, staying positive, not complaining, taking time to be quiet and present with what is true about me, cooking and eating well, exercising, being open about what I'm feeling with my husband and close friends...  I learned more about my core identity as a beloved child of God and am learning how to rest in that knowledge and live out of security that comes with it. 

I learned that I have a lot that I can teach and share with others and that I don’t have to strive to do what I see others doing, trying to be something that I'm not or what I feel I should be doing, but intentionally find ways to use the giftings I do have that feel natural.  The point is to be using my gifts and talents, to be reaching out – oftentimes to the point of discomfort and inconvenience. I don't want to not live an independent, insular life but a life that is open, dependent on God to guide and empower me each day, to show me what he is doing and how I can be a part of it.  I need to keep working on loving well at home with my husband and daughter, to serve them well – to be kind and patient with them, and selfless and I fail at this often! But the point is, I can't just focus on loving people outside when I'm not doing it at home. This must be where these things are practiced and then it flows naturally outward from there. 

I learned that just by being who we are, as a family, is one way God uses us, and that we are to continue to invite those in need of family to come alongside us and participate. We got to know many dear friends in Cebu who had a very skewed view of family because of the brokenness they endured growing up.  It always surprised us when we were told that just being around us helped someone to learn what a healthy family is.  That taught me that focusing on and prioritizing the health of our family is a very important part of life and mission and that it is to be shared with others.

I learned how to be a better listener and that I don’t have to solve problems and that when I do something as simple as meeting with someone for coffee and letting them talk, listening well and occasionally encouraging, maybe sharing what I'm learning, that that is discipleship and it’s an important part to play.

I learned an appreciation for clean air, nature, open space and places to exercise outside. I never knew how good we had it in the US and Chiang Mai in our big subdivisions with wide streets and sidewalks until we moved to Cebu City!

I learned that what God is doing in me is just as important, if not more important, than what I am actually doing.  And how I make myself available and open myself up to his shaping and molding in the process is key.  I have found that these things go hand-in-hand.  As I reach out to others or challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone, there is fertile ground for growth.

I learned that I desperately need to walk closely and intimately with Jesus in everything.  I'm finding real benefit it remembering daily (constantly) that I can't do everything on my own.  I don't want to live like that.  It's too tiring.  I think Anne Lamott has it right saying her most essential prayers are Help! Thanks! and Wow!

I learned how dangerous my independent nature, my default mode is.  There are some real benefits of being strong and independent and it has worked well for me for most of my life but I've learned that when under stress or when I feel my needs are not being met I tend to shut down and withdraw into myself, shutting out those closest to me.  I find it hard to admit that I am struggling and that I need help and thus isolate myself from God and at times from my husband.  I feel these past seven years in Cebu have been a slow and gradual undoing of that unhealthy form of dependence on self and I've learned an increased awareness of God in every detail of my life and am learning to remain in Him. I want to live like a tree planted by streams of water, to drink from the water Jesus has – the spring of water that wells up to eternal life – the water that truly satisfies.

I learned that when I am remaining in Him (practicing attentiveness to his presence) that being led by His spirit comes very naturally and He guides me and it feels light and natural, not burdensome, to extend myself.

I am learning how to be me and to not be hung up on getting it right all the time. My spiritual director shared a helpful analogy with me recently. God is like a Papa (or Mama, I might add) and we his children.  He loves us just the same whether we are sitting on his lap spending time with him or enjoying ourselves caught up in play or doing something we enjoy.  He delights in us, period.

I can say that I am happy and content, with much much joy, peace and fulfillment.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Twenty years ago I was recovering from cancer, doing drugs and drinking like a fish trying to be something I wasn't and desperately crying out to God for a new life.  I had a huge hole in my soul and I knew I was meant for something other than the way I was living.  I love that I am growing more comfortable with who I am and what I am created for and I look forward to living more and more authentically and comfortable with my true self as I enter my 40's (very soon). ;-)

What I've Learned in the Past Five Months

The organization my husband works for has been so kind to us.  Since we have been overseas for ten years, and since Andrey has had quite a challenging work load the past couple of years (sometimes doing the jobs of three or more people), and because the people who lead the organization care about us and our spiritual, emotional and physical health, they have given us the amazing gift of five months off before our move to India.  Seriously, who does that? 

What a gift!  We felt like we hit the jackpot.  We wanted to steward the time well.  We bought a tent trailer and a truck and drove all around North America visiting friends and family and taking time to be together just the three of us.  It was great mix of social and "just us" time.  Andrey and I took turns spending time alone in silence and solitude with the intention of slowing down and drawing near to God, realizing that true rest comes only from him.  We arranged for regular calls with spiritual directors to help guide us along the way.  Earlier this month I took some time to reflect on what I've learned during these month off.  

I learned a few things about silence and solitude.  I first had to stop trying to do it "right."  I learned that being alone with God is 1) the discipline of practicing attentiveness to God's presence and 2) an act of faith.  It is the act of removing myself from the equation as a way to demonstrate my complete and utter dependence on God to do for me what I can not do for myself.  It was not easy at first to stop the inner dialogue and I quickly grew frustrated with myself.  But over time and practice, and with the help of a few repeating centering phrases (I found "To you O Lord I lift up my soul, my hope is in you all day long" helpful), I began to settle into those times and rest in knowing that I am known by the maker of the universe and I belong to him.  Such peace and contentment comes when we stop striving and just be.

I’ve learned (am learning) how to be needy.  Good needy.  The right kind of needy.  Aware of my constant and desperate need for God, His presence and grace, and my need for Andrey – my need to be open and share with him what is going on inside my heart and mind.  I’m learning how to not be so damn self-reliant – which only results in me feeling alone and isolated, “me against the world.”  

What a gift these months have been to practice this with Andrey – while he is the most available he’s ever been, or at least for a long time.  Slowing down and having this time off together has helped us to see things I don't think we would have seen in the usual busy pace of life.  A huge and unexpected blessing of this time off was realizing how in the busyness of life over the past few years, we had grown very used to living individual, parallel lives together.  We realize that we both tend to downplay our needs and used busyness as a distraction from truly caring for each other.  I am learning to express my needs instead of withdrawing into myself when I feel alone or unsupported.  We have had many healthy discussions over the past few months and I think we have set up some new ways to tune into each other better, to stay available to one another and responsive to each others' needs.  Independence in marriage had served us well in some ways for many years but we both agree it's not working for us anymore and is dangerous if we continue like that.  I am so grateful to learn a new way. 

Another thing I’ve learned is that my devotion to God is not dependent on me getting what I want.  I am learning to rest and wait on him, his way and his plan, and stop trying to get God to do what I want.  I’ve laid down the idea that I was/am missing something and if maybe I did ____, then _____ would happen.  My worship and honoring of God – how is it affected in times when I’m not getting what I desire the most?  I've had a lot of time to think about this lately and in my times alone I’ve decided that I want to walk with Jesus despite dreams seemingly unfulfilled and in the waiting.  Relationship with Jesus is my real treasure.  Relationship is here and now and I want to be faithful to him regardless.  He promises to fill my desires with good things.  This is not a guarantee that I will get what I desire most nor that I will be spared something painful.  It seems that fulfillment of hopes and dreams doesn't usually come how and when we expect it and that the only thing I can count on is the unchanging character of God and that he will never leave me.  I know him well enough to trust him - to rest in his goodness, power, wisdom and love for me.

Because of this, I am much less anxious about how our desire for another child is going to work out. Earlier last year I found myself beginning to panic a little. But now I can say there is more yielding, surrendering, more awe of God, reverence, fear, humility, wonder. 

Lord forgive me for the ways I’ve come to you, entitled, demanding what I want, in my way. 

Again I wait in hope.  I am anchored in God as I wait.  I don’t have to rush ahead.  I can rest, pray, wait for his lead, trusting that when it’s time, I will know what I need to know so that I can move forward.  I have learned that our spiritual journey of transformation is not so much about how God uses us and what God will do, but what he is doing in us during the process. 

It's a New Day

It's a new day, my friends.  A new year, a new move (to India soon!), and new dreams for the future.  Our lives have changed in some huge ways since I last blogged.  In March we were surprised by my husband's employer with an invitation to take a position in India.  We had thought we would stay in the Philippines for another 1-2 years and we had embraced our life and community there in a special way.  I loved living there and it was truly home.  It took us some time to warm up to the idea but after some time to think, discuss and pray, it became clear to both of us that this move was the right way to go.  It was the right time to leave Cebu - a place that had grown so much a part of our lives and hearts that I knew it would be very difficult to extract our roots and relocate.  I even considered myself to be part Cebuano and felt proud to identify as such.  I had many Cebuano and foreign friends and I loved connecting with locals in their language.  I felt comfortable anywhere on the island.  I made some lifetime friendships - amazing, inspiring women who are like sisters to me.  So after seven years in Cebu, in July we said goodbye to our most wonderful community of friends and colleagues and to a place that I could say with confidence and ownership was "my city."

Sure it wasn't all wonderful all the time but when you move around like we do and know it takes a few years to make a life and feel a part of community in a new place, we knew we were privileged to stay for so long.  And when you know you will be leaving eventually, you appreciate it more.  I aim to live with that attitude no matter where I live and for how long.  It served me well in Cebu - counting what I'd miss once we left, being thankful and holding it all loosely, cherishing it while I still had possession of it.  And I had so much to be thankful for, to enjoy.  Life was really good. Andrey was busier than he had ever been and that had become a new normal for us, but we were good at making the best of it all.

That's why at first I rejected the idea of leaving.  I wasn't ready.  It didn't fit the timeline I had expected.  But once I finally sat down to pray about it, it became clear.  I knew right away that what I wanted deep in my spirit was to bear fruit - for my life to produce good things, in me and in my family and in the place where I live.  I found this in Jeremiah, chapter 17:

Blessed is the (wo)man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. (S)he is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

I felt that to bear fruit, we often have to be stretched and challenged.  Also that morning, I felt the Good Shepherd remind me that he was with me wherever I go, and that he leads me along right paths, and goodness & mercy with follow me... (Psalm 23)

I cried because right away I knew what this meant.  I realized that deep in my soul, what I want is to walk with Jesus.  I want to go where he leads and I want to bear fruit - to be challenged and to grow.  I knew that leaving Cebu would be hard but the only reasons I could think to stay were all about me and my personal enjoyment and comfort.  Then I was reminded of these verses:

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. (Luke 9:24)

 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19)

So this is how I knew that for me, to not hold too tightly to my life as it was, was to be willing to let go of our life in Cebu and say yes to the invitation to go to India.

Andrey had his own process - mostly relating to the ownership he felt of the projects he's worked so hard on for seven years in the Philippines and he eventually came to a similar conclusion - to let it go and say yes to a new adventure in India.

Our last weeks were filled with these moments and many more ...

Ella treasured her last days with Gerald

We said goodbye to our wonderful househelper and friend and her family who we got to know well over the years

We gathered with friends for send-offs

Ella and Tessi had their last play dates and sleep overs

We went to our favorite beach spot one last time...

I got a tattoo on my foot inspired by this hibiscus flower from my garden

More quality time with "Big G"

We hosted friends for special meals

Andrey's office gave him a heartfelt going away party

Our church community threw us a big party

They prayed for us and blessed us

and we were sent off well from the airport

The difficulty in leaving only spoke to the deep attachments we made, for which I am better for and so, so grateful.  Even though it was painful, I don't regret any of it.  I had posted this on facebook the week we left Cebu.  I love this quote:

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving. When the child leaves home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to another country or dies … the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.”

- Henri J.M. Nouwen

Goodbye Cebu!  Here I am in January, after five months of time off before moving to India and only now am I beginning to feel like I can start letting you go a bit.  I have been processing and letting myself celebrate and grieve what I have left behind.  Not that you are any less close to my heart but I feel the need to begin making space for what will come to us in India.  I am confident we will meet again.  With all my heart, jen

Waiting...

God will answer me. I really believe it. I know I am putting myself at risk of looking like a fool but I just can't deny the encouragement (and the dreams and prophetic words and pictures) of so many dear friends and family over the years who when they pray for me about a child just feel strongly like it is going to happen in time. And for me, anytime I am tempted to give up hope there is something strong in my spirit that says, No! Do not give up. Keep asking, hoping, praying, seeking, knocking, waiting.

So I will wait. With open hands and a faithful heart.

My God can do anything and I trust him. He is good and kind.

Andrey and I were prayed for recently and I just feel like something is happening.

I heard a word just yesterday that said, The promises I have given you, I will fulfill. And it won't be long now. Soon. I took that word as my own.

I feel like a complete idiot but I'll put it out there anyway.

I know my God will answer me. I wait with open hands for my babies. He already knows them. It's only a matter of time. 

I Believe You

I need this Lord. I need you to do this for me.
I pour out my heart before you and you hold me.
I rest my head on your chest and you hold me close.
You say, Don't worry my child,
and I believe you.

I believe you want to fill my desires for children
a pregnancy/birth, another adoption.
I believe you when you say,
Where there is no way,
There is a way.

I believe you when you say
you will fill our desires with good things.
I believe you when you say
what father would give a rock
to their child who asks for bread?

I heard you say,
I have plans for you.
Nothing is impossible. 

And I say, let it be Lord!
For your glory!

I love this place with you Papa,
where I can be honest and you tenderly care for me.
I won't give up hoping and believing for this.

I wait and hope for you,
I expect and anticipate you to move,
because you are good
and I believe you.

You have been faithful,
Just look at Michella.

I can't rest until I have more babies
I can't leave this, until it is granted.
Don't deny me this Lord!
I'm not sure I can accept anything else!

You made me this way,
designed my body to give birth,
put a desire, deep and primal, in me to bear a child.
That was your idea.

I feel desperation rising in me
Like Hannah who wept bitterly and cried,
"Remember me, Lord!"

She asked of you and you acted
You came through for her.
Come through for me Lord. 

Like the persistent widow who would not give up,
I will stay here, knocking and waiting
Pressing in...



He gives the barren woman a home
making her the joyous mother of children.
Psalm 113:9


Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Romans 4:18-21

Poem of Jen #1

There is this desire

a desire for you

at the center of my being

and it often gets buried

and sometimes I'm not aware...
 
I forget, lose touch

with who I am at my core

where desire for you dwells

Spirit help me stay with the knowledge

of who I am

and how much I need you

Sometimes she acts like a teenager...

but I really love these five-year-old moments.

My girl and Jesus

My daughter is the cutest thing these days I just want to freeze her in this stage. Age 5 is pretty awesome I have to say. I love her questions and curiosity about the world around her and I love that she discusses much of it verbally with me. She is still very interested in birth and still asks to watch a birth video just about every day. She is becoming quite knowledgeable! She is very affectionate and lovey and regularly tells me she loves me. How did I get such a wonderful girl like this? She is just amazing.

We've been reading the Jesus Storybook Bible a lot lately and she's been asking lots of questions about Jesus. We pray every night together and she always asks for a baby brother or sister and a baby for her Mommy who really wants one. She also prays for my friend who is set to give birth any day. Recently she prayed, "Jesus help T and her birth and help her not to have any tear in her private parts." See, I told you she is quite knowledgeable! And thoughtful! What a great thing to pray!

We regularly discuss how Jesus is always with us and he hears us when we pray and loves to speak to us if we listen. Yesterday we got in the car for a bit of a long drive to do a prenatal check up (I must post about that soon as there are some exciting things happening for me with midwifery again). I asked her if she wanted to listen to music or watch a movie or play a game on my ipad during the drive. She said, "No, I just want to hear what God has to say." I wasn't sure what she meant at first so I asked her to clarify and she repeated herself. So I said, "You mean you want to ask Jesus to speak to you and listen to what he wants to say?" and she gave a sincere yes. So we did and right away she said, "I heard him." I asked what he said and she replied with "he said I love you."

It's so wonderful to see her not just learning about Jesus but experiencing him and his love. I am a happy momma.

Visit to Our Daughter's Birth Place

Earlier this week Andrey, Ella and I went to the city where Ella was born to file papers for her new birth certificate. This was the main purpose of our trip but we also wanted to get photos of the city for Ella's life book and leave a letter and some photos with the social welfare office for her birth parents. Ella did great! She was so comfortable with it all and I think it's because we talk about things and certain people from her background so often that if feels very natural for her. She was excited about the trip and once we arrived she proudly exclaimed, "I was born here!" Overall we feel very satisfied with how the trip went.

Our first and most important stop was to the civil registry office. Our contact there was so friendly and welcoming and very helpful. She kept saying that Ella looked familiar to her. Well as it turns out, this woman is a relative of Ella's foster mother and remembers Ella as a baby.

Our next stop was to the City Health office birthing clinic. We did not anticipate going there but when we saw how close it was to City Hall I remembered that this place was listed on Ella's birth certificate as her actual place of birth. Ella thought it was super cool to see the place where she was born.  Why not stop in? Heck, why not check and see if the midwife who attended her birth still works there? As it turns out she does and we got to meet her! They were so kind to show us some records and even gave us the result of her newborn screening we never knew she had. No problems there, as expected. :-)

Women in blue (left to right) are the midwife and doctor who attended/supervised Ella's birth.

Then we took the afternoon to visit one of the top tourist attractions in Roxas City.  Baybay Beach is just 3km from the city center, is 7km long and quite beautiful.  Ella loved playing in the dark grey sand and running along the beach. We stayed till dusk and ended up having a couple of beers and a snack at a tiny beachfront resort.  We also learned that the neighborhood where Ella's birth family lives is just next to this beach.  As I watched local families and fishermen (Ella's birth father is a fisherman) I was able to imagine what their life might be like.  Ella didn't seem so interested so I kept my imaginations to myself.  She was clearly very excited for a chance to play on the beach. :-)

The next day Andrey and Ella went on a morning walk and got a few shots of the city center. Our hotel was a perfect location for this. It was raining so a few of these shots are a bit blurry in spots.

Our last stop in Roxas before heading back to Iloilo where we flew in and where Ella was living when we met her in 2010, was the Department of Social Welfare office to meet the woman who handled Ella's various placements and transitions in care. She too remembered Ella as a baby and  told us that Ella had stayed in her home for a week before she was brought to the children's home where we eventually met her. Apparently there were requirements missing that delayed that particular transition and so the social worker temporarily housed her while she got the necessary paperwork together. She was delighted to see us.

We left a letter and some photos with her to be given to the birth family and we asked her not to disclose our last name or where we live to them. We explained how we just want to make contact indirectly for now and asked if their office would help mediate our communication and gather some information to fill in some of the holes we have about Ella's original family situation. She agreed. She offered for me to see Ella's case file but we didn't have much time as she had a meeting and we had to get on the road. I do hope we'll be able to gather some details with her help so that we have it available at the appropriate time.

Here we are in a tricycle, the main form of transportation in Roxas on our way to the van terminal to get a ride back to Iloilo and feeling so satisfied with what we accomplished and the connections we made.

Before we flew out in the afternoon we paid a visit to the children's home where we met Ella almost three years ago.  When we arrived, I was amazed when Ella reached for and hugged the three women she was closest to during her time there. She knew exactly who they were. Now anyone who knows her or has spent any time with her knows that she is not a people-pleaser and will not say hi or smile and especially will not give hugs to anyone if she doesn't want to.  So her greeting them in this way was above and beyond what I expected.

The staff at the home said it was the first time one of their kids who were adopted abroad had come back for a visit so it was very special for all of us. Of course, it's easier for us since we haven't actually gone "abroad" since becoming Ella's parents. They were so pleased to see Ella in person and made comments at how beautiful and talkative she is. 

I was so impressed with her.  With each person we met that played some sort of role in her history - especially those in our photos that we've talked about, she greeted, smiled and even hugged, either spontaneously or when asked (like the social worker at the end of our visit). It was very sweet to see. All in all we kept visits short as we didn't want to put too much attention on Ella and make her feel uncomfortable and that seemed to help keep her at ease as well.

Ella may not remember much about this visit when she is older but we have the photos to document it so she can see and know a little bit about where she came from.  Plus, we get to have her birth certificate with our names on it and she can keep her Filipino citizenship.  So special!

It's her story, she should know it

For some time I have been thinking about how to navigate information about our daughter's birth and foster families. How can I prepare her to process her adoption and her own history? How can I prepare her for all the questions she will soon get from classmates and strangers about why she doesn't look like her white parents in this at times invasively-inquisitive culture? It has felt unnatural to avoid the topic and wait till she is much older so, so far I have just gone about this in the same way I approach most things in my life - with my gut. And my gut has been telling me to be open to building some sort of a connection with the information and maybe even the people in my daughter's history that she is inextricably linked to and will forever be.  I am thankful we know as much as we do about Ella's background and see value in facilitating connection between her and her story in a way that benefits the development and understanding of her identity and at the same time preserves the privacy and autonomy of our nuclear family. I have a feeling that is a tricky balance to strike and so we are going with it one small step at a time and feeling things out as we go.

What we have decided for now is to write a letter to Ella's birth parents telling them how Ella is doing (without disclosing our last names or the city where we live), including photos and asking them if they would be willing to write us back with some information about their family, specifically some information about their children - Ella's biological siblings - their names, ages and photos if possible. I will also ask them if they would like us to send letters with photos every year to keep them up on how Ella is doing as she grows up. Any communication we have will go through a social worker from the social welfare office in their area who will serve as an intermediary. They don't know this yet haha, but that is what I'm hoping for.

As for Ella's foster mother, I have been in phone/email contact with her over the past 2+ years and have gotten to know her enough to now feel quite ready to meet her. She has sent just a few photos of Ella - a few of her as a newborn and a few of when she was around 1 year old, but I don't have any photos of the foster mother and I have tons of questions for her about Ella as a baby/toddler. These days Ella has been asking me to tell her about when she was a baby and I'm sad I don't know much. So I tell her the little that I know and I tell her about her time with Momma "R". I've been impressed with this woman's respectful distance she's given us and how aside from the very occasional email to say, "Hey how's Ella? Tell her Hi from us!" she leaves the communication up to me. I was the one to track her down soon after we got Ella and called her to meet her over the phone. Up until recently I haven't felt like it was the right time to meet her but do plan to set something up (after making some clear boundary clarifications) next time we're in Manila (she's since moved there with her foster son, Ella's former foster brother). I am approaching this relationship like I would an extended family member and see potential value in Ella, at this stage, knowing about and meeting her once or twice, and later in her life choosing to keep in touch as she is willing/comfortable. I have read that allowing a child to meet or have some kind of contact with someone as opposed to just hearing about them, helps bring that person from an abstract idea to something concrete and this helps them to better process the information.

So next week we will be in the city where Ella was born to file some paperwork to amend her birth certificate in order to obtain her Filipino citizenship under her adopted name. Aside from eliminating the need for a visa to live in here indefinitely with us as American citizens, having dual citizenship will give us the opportunity to better facilitate a connection with her birth country in the future if she becomes interested in living or studying here, owning property, etc... They require us to file in person so we thought it was the perfect opportunity to bring Ella to see the city where she was born and drop off a letter to her birth family to the social welfare office. I noticed on the map that the government office where we will be going is directly across the street from the city health birthing center where she was born.

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We will be flying in and out of the city where Ella lived in a children's home for about 6 months before we came to bring her home. I told Ella we could visit there if she liked but we wouldn't have to. Both times I asked her she said she would like to visit. We regularly talk about the women there who took care of her including the the young social worker who's leg Ella clung to the first day we met,

and the women we talk about in our photos, who cried when they said goodbye to Ella that day at the airport.

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The way I see it is she will at some point have to face and deal with the emotional impact of her adoption and the loss related it. I want what we know about her history discussed enough so that it is a normal, natural part of her upbringing and it is easy for her to talk about it and as much as possible I want to combine those conversations with concrete experiences. By making information available and by acknowledging the loss of not one but two families and even more relationships after that, that she will know that we are here to help her walk through whatever comes up.

Just the other day Ella and I were playing with her baby dolls. Ella handed me her doll and told me that she had given birth to her baby but that she had to give it to me because she was very poor and she couldn't take care of it because her other baby was sick. This is quite close to what I've shared with her about her birth family's situation at the time of her relinquishment. I was amazed at her understanding and processing and I'm so so glad she is already doing it at home naturally and safely with me.