Good Medicine

That is, for my achey-ness...

Thank you, dear friends for encouraging me and lifting me up after my last blog entry. I actually cried tears of joy reading your comments because I felt the love of God reaching out to me through each of you. I am so thankful for friends and for God's grace in comforting me in my rougher moments. I am thankful that I am able to be this honest and vulnerable here. I have a few good models for this (Mel!).

I felt a little trepidation in hitting the "publish post" button. In fact, I've composed a couple of other very similar posts in the past when I was struggling with the same emotions but it just felt too raw and I felt too exposed to actually put it out there. I think part of that was the fact that I hadn't really opened up to anyone who had been through something similar about it yet. But in the past few months I've connected with a few people who have also experienced or are experiencing infertility and/or adoption and it's become a great strength to me. I have been emailing with some wonderful women lately - sharing my story of infertility/adoption and hearing of theirs and its been incredibly therapeutic. I usually cry my eyes out when I write about my experiences but I think that is part of the therapy - getting in touch with those underlying emotions that need a release.

There is no reason to go through this feeling isolated and alone. I have learned that I can choose to reach out and rely on others and that by not doing that I am choosing to go through it alone. In December last year when the strong feelings of grief surfaced for the first time (they came just as we made the decision to let go of trying to become pregnant and begin the adoption process), I longed to open up to someone. I cried for 3 days. I really felt alone in my pain then and that was my lowest point. Of course Andrey was there and he was quite sensitive to me but as a man he just doesn't understand what it feels like and I needed to talk to other women who understand that deep and powerful desire to bear children.

So I am convinced that there is no reason to go down the path of infertility alone staring at my feet. Because once I lift my head and look around I realize that what I thought was a tiny, dark path is really a spacious well-used trail that so many others have been on.

So thank you dear friends. You have really blessed me.