What? I haven't posted in 9 days? Time is racing by lately. I was seriously surprised to see that May 5 was the last time I posted. Busy. BU-SY right now. May is a busy month because I am working ~40 hours a week at the clinic plus I am finishing one of my last major midwifery modules - all the about the newborn, which has 4 very long assignments. The two I just finished totaled 56 pages with 10-point type. Yesterday I took two of the four tests in this module and it felt great to be done with those. So today, I'm allowing myself to get caught up on a few things - like grocery shopping and blogging. I also met a friend for coffee this morning, which was nice.
Starting tonight I'll be working every other day until a week from Saturday - alternating 12 hrs on with 24 to 36 hrs off. This happens to be a very common schedule for most of the Glory Reborn staff and frankly I don't know how they sustain it for years and years. Granted, they're not working on a degree at the same time, but I think I would be nearly just as tired with or without the studies. It's just hard having inconsistent sleep patterns. It just feels harder on the body. In my lowest tired moments I wonder if midwifery is really worth it, I long to feel rested so bad but then I realize that this is probably quite similar to how parents of young children feel all the time too. So it's not like giving up on midwifery will make it all better, which I don't plan on doing anyway.
I have always been a good sleeper. Always. Until I started working night shifts two years ago. The frustrating thing is the fact that the pressure of really needing a good sleep when I have the opportunity to sleep makes me unable to SLEEP! How stupid is that? I seriously work myself up so much that I lie there feeling angry about still being awake. It's madness!
Andrey tells me I just need to not care about not getting sleep, that way I'll be able to sleep. Believe me, if it were that easy I wouldn't be struggling with this to begin with. Make myself not care? Fine. Maybe, if it were every once in a while. And I told him he is sweet for trying to help but I simply don't agree. Yes, I (now) agree a night with poor or little sleep isn't that bad (I used to be WAY worse!) but I'm talking about the importance of a night of sleep after a previous sleepless, work-filled, tiring night. Or a night of sleep after a previous night with only 3 hours of sleep. Humans need sleep. God created sleep. I am not crazy to feel like I REALLY just need to sleep sometimes. When I don't get sleep I don't make much progress on assignments! I sit there at the computer, spacing out, taking way too many breaks to pee or eat or check email... again... and then get sucked in to facebook (I know it's nobody else's fault but mine) for 20 minutes and then I check a blog and then another and then suddenly hours have gone by and oh shit, I still haven't gotten any assignment done! And then it's time to make dinnner. I could try to push through with lots of coffee. I'd probably get more done that way but then that is a recipe for an inability to go to sleep later.
I haven't exercised in weeks which I know would probably help me sleep better. I've tried herbs - skullcap, passionflower, sleepytime tea. These help sometimes. I've taken magnesium maleate, which helps sometimes. What really works are anti-anxiety sleeping pills but they are habit forming so I save those for only my most desperate times. I've also started a bed-time routine to help get me relaxed for sleep. I dim the lights, put on soft music, no computer or TV is allowed, do some reading, journaling or praying. That helps sometimes too. Maybe I do just have to find a way not to care about sleep. If so, how the heck do you do that???
I'm surprised Andrey suggested this. Ever since we've been married he has remarked at my silly habit at counting hours of sleep. He calls me the sleep-counter. This is how it goes...
Ok, let's see. What time is it? It's only 10. I have to get up at 7, so that's at least 8, almost 9 hours. Great! It's going to be a good day tomorrow. (My body's favorite number is 9)
-OR-
Oh crap it's late. And I have to get up 5. Five hours? Oh tomorrow is going to be awful.
And that was back when I got to sleep every night. No night shifts. No midwifery training.
Now it's even worse. I say to myself... I got 3 hrs last night and I'm exhausted. Damn I'd better get at LEAST 8 hours tonight! Oh no but it's already midnight and I've been lying here for more than two hours! I'm screwed! My hours are chewed down to almost 6! Oh God no! Help me, please! Why can't I sleep?! This is so ridiculou! I'm so tired! And this is when I either feel like punching the wall or crying.
So this whole thing isn't about the sleep lost when I'm working. It's about sleep lost when I theoretically can and should be sleeping. That is the frustrating part. I know it is all in my mind but that is a very tough battlefield. It also has to do with anxiety and the stress hormones that are released when I am lying there analyzing my day. I sometimes lie there and run through scenarios of things I said to people and realize things I didn't notice before or realize a mistake I made a work or that I forgot to do something and maybe so-and-so is mad about me or because I said the wrong thing...all the while I feel this surge of adrenaline going through my body. I'm going to have to get a handle on this because stress is very damaging to the body (knowing that doesn't help). At least I am eating well. I still make the time to prepare dinner almost every night and we eat pretty well when I do.
I also realize that this temporary. Once I finish this module things will slow down a little bit - not much, but a little. And hopefully we'll get more staff at the clinic (we're currenly short-handed and that's why i'm working a little more than usual) soon so I won't have to work quite so often. I just feel this is a common life challenge that I need to learn to overcome.
7 comments:
oh, babe. I feel for you! I have had sleep issues for YEARS, and I can so relate to the hour counting AND to the desperation to sleep, AND the unhelpful husband syndrome. I actually am much less nice than you: Brent's sleep advice consists of, "Just put your head on the pillow and close your eyes."
Thanks, asshole, I hadn't thought of that! I think that was actually my literal response. He doesn't really offer that tidbit anymore, except in jest: this is one of our private jokes now.
In fact, I'm posting about my own sleep issues after I finish this comment. I don't have any advice to offer, except perhaps that when school is finished you will have less hanging over your head and it may help. Naps? Coffee? I can't drink coffee. It makes my heart race and my anxiety astronomical. But coffee may be your personal life saver.
I've learned to let go of the hour counting to some degree: I only let myself do it after I'm finished sleeping and not before I fall asleep because I read a good article in the Globe and Mail last year that said we actually can function well on less sleep than we think, and have created a whole industy around sleep loss that is semi fabricated. That helped reassure me that I'm not going to be wildly dysfunctional if i don't skeep much for a week or a few days...
Shift work notoriously *f*s with the ability to sleep, though.
Feeling for you!
Thanks, Mel. I wasn't that nice to Andrey actually at first. I listened to his "advice," while I noticed inner anger rising right before I told him he has no idea what he is talking about and I refuse to accept any of it as I adamantly don't agree. It was only after I calmed down later that I realized he was just trying to help and that I shouldn't have been so harsh. Clearly he struck a chord! (Husbands' specialty, right?)
Thanks for the input and the empathy. I will try the "no counting" rule before sleep. Clearly counting pre-sleep is not helpful. I'm just glad you didn't advise to stop counting all together so I appreciate the very reasonable suggestion.
I do drink coffee but only in the morning and it really helps me be productive for a few hours but I have to limit it to that.
I do take naps in the mornings if I'm up all or most of the night, which helps a little.
I'd love to read that article you mentioned. I'll have a look online for it. I need to be reminded of that perspective!
On a happy note, I was on duty last night but the clinic was empty and no-one arrived in labor so after I finally fell asleep I did get a good 6 hours! Delightful.
A counsellor I once knew used this technique with his anxiety patients:
you can only be anxious at a certain time of day. If you feel yourself worrying about something, try to put it off until the predetermined time (between 5 and 6 pm, for example) and do it then. It releases you from the need to worry at other times during your day, because you know you will address it at your predetermined time.
This helps people gain more control over their worry while also earning themselves freedom from it for part of their day.
I tend to think of the count-in-the-morning as opposed to count-at-night method along the same lines. I know I'll count in the morning so it helps me to not do it at night.
You know what keeps me up at night that is weird? 2 things.
(1) sex. everyone else falls asleep after sex, but I'm up for at least an hour afterwards!
(2) reading about birth. i get myself ALL worked up about birth/labour/moms/OB vs midwives/UC/inductions/cesareans/death rates////....you name it!
weird.
here's hoping you'll get more sleep soon (and me too!)
Crochet keeps me up at night.
Blog essays keep me up at night.
Cloth diapers keep me up at night.
Anything that requires focus and research, that I do right until I jump into bed, is sure to keep me up for hours.
Sleep issues are so pervasive these days, aren't they!!
Mel, I have done your no sleep counting before bed thing since I first read your suggestion. My schedule lately has been night shifts on Thurs, Sat, and Monday. So, at least so far with my two nights at home (Friday and Sunday), which are usually the most difficult for me to sleep as the pressure is seriously on for getting it, no sleep counting has really helped! I even stayed out late with Andrey Fri night for a movie. I would have ordinarily stressed about getting to bed after midnight but I didn't even let myself look at the time. I slept well. Even though I didn't even get 8 hrs that night I just told myself that I can do it even if I'm tired. And I did. I actually felt good all day and then worked all night on Saturday. I didn't sleep at all yesterday on Sunday but went to bed after 9 last night and slept so well till 7 this morning. Ahhh. When I started stressing as I lay there last night I had Andrey read me a sports article that he was reading online anyway. That seemed to do the trick. Great idea huh? Talk about BORING! Anyway, it's big progress for me not obsessing about the "hours" and it's just a start, but I think it will really help. Thanks again!
So that's when you do all your reading, ha Dana? I wondered how you found the time. I purposefully now (as of late) have put certain reading out of my before-bed-time. Especially midwifery stuff. I even got my second Midwifery Today magazine in the mail yesterday. I went to grab it before bed but then thought better of it. It triggers way too many thoughts and questions and much analyzing of my own experiences for me to feel ready to doze off after reading birth-related stuff. I will just have to become more efficient during the day!
so interesting! I'm glad my suggestion helped. It has def. helped me some. It's not the perfect solution but helps the loss of sleep due to hours counting and stressing! So happy.
Yes, I think we're all birth junkies who get too worked up before bedtime.
Three peas in a pod, eh?
High fives for birth! *5*
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