Getting Out (without Ella) - Is it time?

Since Ella’s become more verbal (she’s using lots of 4 and 5 word sentences now), we are getting more insight into what she’s thinking and feeling. We’ve noticed a theme when we read books together. It appears that Ella’s main concern when reading books is the presence of the mommy. “Uh oh. Where mommy go?”

We have one book that has father bear putting little bear to sleep. This one is very difficult for Ella. She expresses concern for the little bear going to bed without mommy. It seems very concerning and stressful for her. In many other books that involve animals she always asks where their mommy is? She seems to wonder why they are alone with no sign of a mommy.

This helps me to see what it’s like for Ella to be without me. I think as far as she’s concerned, as long as mommy is near, all is okay. She’s fine now to stay with Daddy when I go out for a few hours without her like I’ve started doing sometimes on the weekend. This is now easy for her and she happily says bye to me when I go. But I can’t leave her with Daddy during naptime or bedtime. She just won’t sleep and will incessantly ask for Mommy.

I have been the one to put her down to sleep and have stayed with her till she’s asleep every single night for 14 months, with the exception of one night last Spring in DC when I really wanted to attend something that only happens once a year. Ella screamed and cried and clawed the bed with her daddy in the room at bedtime until she fell asleep 45 minutes later out of sheer exhaustion. I was surprised he didn’t come get me. I’ve been there every night because I’ve been able to do that. It’s a luxury we’ve had so we’ve taken advantage of it. It would not have been that way if I had to work or if Ella had siblings. It’s been hard at times but it’s something I’m willing to do as long as I’m able and as long as it’s still working for me (at times I question if it is).

Another time I went out in the evening after Ella was asleep to meet some friends. It was the first time I had done that. Ella woke up and was just too upset and anxious to sleep. She cried and cried and asked to wait by the gate to "watch (for) Mommy." They waited for me for a while and then eventually when it was clear she wasn't going to calm down Andrey called me and said they were coming to pick me up.

I have only just recently started experimenting with leaving Ella with someone other than her daddy. I’ve only done this a handful of times, usually leaving her in a play area at the mall with a friend that she’s very familiar with while I shop elsewhere in the mall. There is definitely some separation anxiety involved but each time she has calmed within minutes. I’m not sure who found that more stressful – her or me. And just yesterday I left her in a play area with the same gal for an hour and she didn't even cry or protest at all.

Now here’s the deal. I haven’t actually left her in the house and haven’t left her for more than an hour with anyone beside her dad. I would really like to be able to get to a point where I can leave her with someone for a few hours at home here and there. My approach up to this point has been to wait for her to initiate readiness for new things instead of me pushing her into something before she’s ready for but with this, I feel like if I wait until she’s happy to be left with someone I’ll be waiting until she’s a teenager. Okay maybe that’s a bit long, but at I’d be waiting at least several more years. Or at least it feels like that right now.

Andrey and I haven’t been on a date out of the house in over 14 months. I’m beginning to think that if that is ever going to happen we are going to have to challenge Ella. I wonder if I can realistically spare her from ever feeling insecure. I am beginning to think that allowing her to face those feelings and experience mommy and daddy always coming back will help her to process her insecurity and recognize that while it may be uncomfortable, her worst fears do not materialize just be being without us for short periods of time. What do you think? Am I on the right track here? I would love your input.

For a while we’ve felt like she’s not ready to be left without us but I think it’s actually been we who haven’t been ready. We haven’t been okay with allowing her to feel scared and insecure because of something we’ve chosen to do. That’s new for us. I just don’t know if we can spare her every negative scary feeling ever. I realize that’s what we’ve tried to do and it was good, especially in the early stages of our bonding and attachment but it isn’t realistic and it isn’t actually our role as parents. Aside from doing what we can to prevent her from re-experiencing the trauma of being left with someone she doesn’t know, it is impossible to prevent her from ever feeling scared or insecure. It is our job to validate her feelings and let her know that no matter how she feels; we are still here and will take care of her.

So I think it’s time to push this a little. Before we leave her in the evening after she’s asleep, I will leave her in the day for short periods of time with someone she knows and we trust.

I have a new friend here. She and her family just moved to Cebu and they have a 2 year old and a baby. Their two-year-old daughter and Ella are becoming good buddies. They like playing together. Her mom and I have decided to do some childcare trades with the two girls. I think this will be a good place to start. Tessi’s mom will leave her at our place for a few hours and then we’ll do that same at their house. This same mommy friend of mine has offered to come over in the evening so Andrey and I can have a date. We’ll do the same for them sometime too. I’m excited to try this!

For now we are going to leave the nap and bedtimes to me knowing that over time, gradually and eventually, Ella will become more open to daddy doing more at bedtime. Since we have continued to see gradual progress in this area we’re not sure we want to push it yet. One thing at a time.

I try to keep in mind that we are only 14 months into our attachment process. That's party why raising an adopted child can be complicated because your child may be physically developed as a 3-year-old but at a very different developmental stage in other areas. It helps me to see her as a 14 month old at times, like when I feel I need to err on the side of sensitivity and nurturing and am struggling to do so. We also have to take into account our needs and our own well-being as parents. And this mommy needs a break from her girl sometimes. I’m sure doing so will make me a better mommy. It’s good to miss each other sometimes and I'm starting to have opportunities to volunteer again using my midwifery experience and I'm super excited about that. I'm itching to get out there, if even for a few hours each week. Oh Lord how I need this.