I find myself in the throes of potty training... again. Sigh.
I posted back in September that my daughter was potty-trained. That declaration was premature. It came after two weeks of potty success and was the day before she decided she didn't want to give up diapers just yet.
I had initiated this "potty-training" a few weeks before her 3rd birthday. I did this because she had been showing interest and signs of readiness. For months previous to this, I polled friends, asked for advice, waited and waited and decided it was time to give it a shot. It worked for a while and then I gave up when it became clear that it wasn't working anymore. As I got more and more worked up about it (and got worked up about getting worked up) I realized that I needed to back off and not risk causing damage to her sensitive, developing character.
Another factor I have to admit was the fact that she was about to turn three, which at some point had become an arbitrary marker and outer limit of when she should be out of diapers. I'm not sure where I got that except that it seemed most of my friends had their kids potty-trained well before age three. And so I felt pressured. Not by anyone directly, mind you. No one has ever said anything to me to make me feel like I was doing a bad job nor questioned or judged me about why my daughter was still in diapers. It was simply pressure I had put on myself after comparing my daughter to her friends. And here lies lesson #1,488 of the undoubtedly infinite number of lessons I am to learn as a parent: Don't compare your child to other kids her age. I must do what I feel is best for her and not let myself be swayed by what other people may think. Like duh!
Another thing I did wrong was that I made a big deal out of it. I got excited. I thought we had arrived. I praised her when she did it and reminded her when I was afraid she'd have an accident. What those two weeks in September taught me (and many other diaper-free hours since then) is that she can do it. She knows she can do it. She knows I know she can do it. There isn't any "training" to be done. I just have to wait till she decides she wants to and is ready.
It helps me to think of all the strides she has made in the past six months in regard to her level of security and independence. It seems a lot to expect that she will jump ahead with this at the same time. We've only been together 16 months so why I am expecting her to be on the same time line as a child who's been with the same mommy since birth? In every other area we have strived to let her lead and wait till she showed us she was ready for a new level of independence. This shouldn't be any different.
So everyday for the past 4+ months we have given her the option and let her choose diapers or undies. Up until about a week ago she was consistently choosing diapers. Except for the occasional reminder that one day when she's ready she will not need diapers anymore, I haven't said much and have remained very laid back, hoping and trusting that at some point things will change.
Last week she started choosing undies more often but only for part of a day. One day last week she chose to wear underwear all day even though we were going to be out most of the day. She did amazing. We went to a friend's house for a play date and she did great. Then we went to a birthday party and she was 100% successful again. Either she told me when she had to go or I'd clue in to some cues and ask her and she'd agree to go. I couldn't believe it. Each time she used the toilet I just tried not to make a big deal of it and act as if it was perfectly normal but occasionally I'd let my excitement take over and I would say something like, "Wow Ella good job! What a big girl thing to do!" I was so excited that evening when I reported to Andrey how the day went. He told me not to get too excited. I suspected he was right but was feeling extremely hopeful.
The next day she chose diapers and only diapers for several days following. Then today she chose undies even though we were going out. She did great in the morning but by the afternoon refused to use the potty even though she was giving cues that she needed to go. I didn't push it and we ended up with pee on the car seat on our way home. Later at home I knew she needed to go but she was resistant to using the toilet and that's when I started to feel really frustrated. At this point I just don't get it.
I'm frustrated because I have been patient and willing to stay put for a while. I wait until she gets behind the wheel, pulls up next to me and says, "Hey mommy let's do this!" At first I'm just enjoying the ride, not saying a word, preparing myself for her to pull over any minute. But then we get a ways down the road and I begin to see our destination and it's so close and it looks so fun. So fun that I imagine that we're already there and I start talking about how great it is. And then suddenly she slams on the brakes puts the car in park and starts walking back in the opposite direction.
I guess I thought it would just happen all at once with her deciding she was ready and never going back. I figure she probably picks up on my hopeful excitement as nudging her to move forward and she begins to feel like she's not in charge anymore so she pushes back.
I really am trying not to get so excited, let her have as much control as possible and keep my expectations low. I can do it for a while but dang it, I'm human and no matter how hard I try I just don't like living in this tension of thinking maybe we are there but oh not yet. I have resolved myself to not putting on pressure and waiting for her to do this in her timing but this stopping and starting is just frustrating and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.
I just needed to vent about that.
As I take a deep breath at the end of today I realize that we have had more progress in this area in the past week than we've seen in months. We have to be getting closer. Maybe she just needs to make a few stops along the way and I should just enjoy the ride and not get so caught up with where we are going. I can resolve to start fresh again tomorrow with a loving and accepting attitude of whatever she chooses and help her to feel in control again. I haven't totally screwed this up again, yet, I don't think. I can do better tomorrow as I remind myself that she has to be the one to initiate this. It has to be up to her to set the pace. If I can keep my mouth shut!
If this is what my gorgeous daughter wants to do with those cute little undies that have been sitting in her closet for the past year, then so be it.
I mean, how many parents can say their child can swim before they are out of diapers?
I posted back in September that my daughter was potty-trained. That declaration was premature. It came after two weeks of potty success and was the day before she decided she didn't want to give up diapers just yet.
I had initiated this "potty-training" a few weeks before her 3rd birthday. I did this because she had been showing interest and signs of readiness. For months previous to this, I polled friends, asked for advice, waited and waited and decided it was time to give it a shot. It worked for a while and then I gave up when it became clear that it wasn't working anymore. As I got more and more worked up about it (and got worked up about getting worked up) I realized that I needed to back off and not risk causing damage to her sensitive, developing character.
Another factor I have to admit was the fact that she was about to turn three, which at some point had become an arbitrary marker and outer limit of when she should be out of diapers. I'm not sure where I got that except that it seemed most of my friends had their kids potty-trained well before age three. And so I felt pressured. Not by anyone directly, mind you. No one has ever said anything to me to make me feel like I was doing a bad job nor questioned or judged me about why my daughter was still in diapers. It was simply pressure I had put on myself after comparing my daughter to her friends. And here lies lesson #1,488 of the undoubtedly infinite number of lessons I am to learn as a parent: Don't compare your child to other kids her age. I must do what I feel is best for her and not let myself be swayed by what other people may think. Like duh!
Another thing I did wrong was that I made a big deal out of it. I got excited. I thought we had arrived. I praised her when she did it and reminded her when I was afraid she'd have an accident. What those two weeks in September taught me (and many other diaper-free hours since then) is that she can do it. She knows she can do it. She knows I know she can do it. There isn't any "training" to be done. I just have to wait till she decides she wants to and is ready.
It helps me to think of all the strides she has made in the past six months in regard to her level of security and independence. It seems a lot to expect that she will jump ahead with this at the same time. We've only been together 16 months so why I am expecting her to be on the same time line as a child who's been with the same mommy since birth? In every other area we have strived to let her lead and wait till she showed us she was ready for a new level of independence. This shouldn't be any different.
So everyday for the past 4+ months we have given her the option and let her choose diapers or undies. Up until about a week ago she was consistently choosing diapers. Except for the occasional reminder that one day when she's ready she will not need diapers anymore, I haven't said much and have remained very laid back, hoping and trusting that at some point things will change.
Last week she started choosing undies more often but only for part of a day. One day last week she chose to wear underwear all day even though we were going to be out most of the day. She did amazing. We went to a friend's house for a play date and she did great. Then we went to a birthday party and she was 100% successful again. Either she told me when she had to go or I'd clue in to some cues and ask her and she'd agree to go. I couldn't believe it. Each time she used the toilet I just tried not to make a big deal of it and act as if it was perfectly normal but occasionally I'd let my excitement take over and I would say something like, "Wow Ella good job! What a big girl thing to do!" I was so excited that evening when I reported to Andrey how the day went. He told me not to get too excited. I suspected he was right but was feeling extremely hopeful.
The next day she chose diapers and only diapers for several days following. Then today she chose undies even though we were going out. She did great in the morning but by the afternoon refused to use the potty even though she was giving cues that she needed to go. I didn't push it and we ended up with pee on the car seat on our way home. Later at home I knew she needed to go but she was resistant to using the toilet and that's when I started to feel really frustrated. At this point I just don't get it.
I'm frustrated because I have been patient and willing to stay put for a while. I wait until she gets behind the wheel, pulls up next to me and says, "Hey mommy let's do this!" At first I'm just enjoying the ride, not saying a word, preparing myself for her to pull over any minute. But then we get a ways down the road and I begin to see our destination and it's so close and it looks so fun. So fun that I imagine that we're already there and I start talking about how great it is. And then suddenly she slams on the brakes puts the car in park and starts walking back in the opposite direction.
I guess I thought it would just happen all at once with her deciding she was ready and never going back. I figure she probably picks up on my hopeful excitement as nudging her to move forward and she begins to feel like she's not in charge anymore so she pushes back.
I really am trying not to get so excited, let her have as much control as possible and keep my expectations low. I can do it for a while but dang it, I'm human and no matter how hard I try I just don't like living in this tension of thinking maybe we are there but oh not yet. I have resolved myself to not putting on pressure and waiting for her to do this in her timing but this stopping and starting is just frustrating and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.
I just needed to vent about that.
As I take a deep breath at the end of today I realize that we have had more progress in this area in the past week than we've seen in months. We have to be getting closer. Maybe she just needs to make a few stops along the way and I should just enjoy the ride and not get so caught up with where we are going. I can resolve to start fresh again tomorrow with a loving and accepting attitude of whatever she chooses and help her to feel in control again. I haven't totally screwed this up again, yet, I don't think. I can do better tomorrow as I remind myself that she has to be the one to initiate this. It has to be up to her to set the pace. If I can keep my mouth shut!
If this is what my gorgeous daughter wants to do with those cute little undies that have been sitting in her closet for the past year, then so be it.
I mean, how many parents can say their child can swim before they are out of diapers?
6 comments:
So funny!!! Someday, this frustration will be a vague memory. Really.
Absolutely right, Alabama Mimi!!
oh, don't i know this frustration! i have a couple of things to say quickly before i must pay attention to my daughter who is sucking on pennies in the corner of my bedroom. Forgive me if this is brief!
First, you are a great parent. Excellent. you are doing an amazing job and you are very sensitive and attached. Perfect.
Second, it is very normal for kids especially as toddlers and preschoolers to take a step or two forward, and then run back. Sometimes you can tie it to your reactions as a parent, but often it is just the way development works. No matter what you do they will go forward and then back.
Thirdly, toileting independently is the first thing kids have 100% control over, since we cannot make them go or not go. Independence can be frightening! Especially for a child who was adopted as a toddler.
Fourthly, I SO hear you on the arbitrary 3 year old thing. I had a really hard time with Ayden, who was in a pullup at 4. It was really, really hard.
Fifth, keep doing what you're doing. It is normal to feel frustrated at toileting messes, and never indicating that it is frustrating is actually dishonest. It is how you communicate your frustration that is key. You can have an initial "OH NO!" reaction because pee on a seat is not hygenic. And not easy to clean. But then, try to stay calm. Not easy, but just aim for as calm as possible.
I think you already are. Its just so great to hear of other parents wrestling honestly with similar things, and know I'm not so off the mark myself.
This morning Matthew (who wears a pullup at night for immature bladder) got up, decided to keep wearing his pullup (which he's not allowed to do and which he will choose to do periodically because peeing in it is easier than going to the bathroom), and then when he had to go poop, pooped in the pullup. HE IS SEVEN. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. I WANT TO GOUGE OUT MY EYES.
So. I hear you on your frustration. And you are doing a fabulous job, and Ella will get there someday soon. Along the way (having taught 3 boys to use the toilet), there will be pee and poo to clean up. It is inevitable. And disgusting. And keeps us humble.
Even Jesus was potty trained I guess. Eventually, they get there.
Hang in there babe!
xo
Wow, Mel, way to be brief:) I have nothing to add except you're funny about the swimming part because it's so true. Your girl is a super star! PS Kai still wears pull ups at night and he's 5 and `shouldn't be'. They will all learn eventually! My dad still took me to pee at 11pm each night until I was 8 or something.
Yeah, totally Mel! As if that was brief! I loved it though. Loved the info and the perspective. Thanks so much.
:) I guess not that brief. lol.
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