A Realization; A Choice

"Infertility is the greatest tragedy that I have experienced and yet in it, my heart was opened to those who would have no mother." Shelley Monaghan Clay

During a rare quiet alone time in Saskatoon earlier this month, I took a few moments to sit in the sun in our Aunt & Uncle's back yard to do some journaling. Have you ever had the experience where as soon as you take even a few moments to be quiet you sense God's Spirit intimately close? That is what happened. I sat down and I felt as if the Holy Spirit was all around me. The sky, the sun, the trees, all seemed abuzz with life. I looked up at the trees pointed to the sky and saw creation worshiping the Creator. The character Sirayu in the book The Shack came to mind. In it the Holy Spirit is portrayed as a petite Asian woman who moves around like a breeze, full of joy and creativity, working the land diligently to weed and sow and produce a brilliant, healthy, colorful garden. As soon as I brought that to mind, a breeze came upon the yard and rustled the willow tree and the other plants all around. It was if the Lord was saying, Yes, I am here. I felt God's tender love toward me and a joyful peace ensued. I LIVE for such moments. What a high!

In moments like these, when I am quiet and present enough to hear the still, small voice of God, I find that if I begin to write what comes to mind, something significant flows from my heart and onto the page of my journal. This is what came to me...

I realize now that I can choose to be thankful and that I can choose to accept, with grace, the path the Lord has set before me. Alternatively, I can choose to compare myself to those who have what I wish I had - pregnancy, fertility, a bosom full of milk made specially for a baby that I bore - and subsequently feel jealous and pity for my sad and unfortunate situation. And then I could have a good cry.

Well I have done my crying - and most of it was right and appropriate at the time, as it was necessary to grieve the loss of that which I had to let go of, more specifically, 'my plan'. It is time to move on from that place of grief to acceptance.

Now today, I am looking to the future. The future that will happen upon us at any moment. I am thinking of our child or children - those who have already been chosen for us. For me to continue to stomp my feet and tell the Lord that I don't like his plan is to look into the eyes of that child and say, You were my second choice, Plan B. This is not the way to enter into adoption. And if I did, I know that I would feel guilt and regret about it later.

So I will not. I will choose to prepare myself for that child as if I were carrying him. I will remind myself of something that I know. Once that child is mine, I know that I will be thankful that my plan did not work out; for if it did, it would mean that my son, or daughter would not have come to me and that I would not have the privilege of being called their mommy.

So I am sorry Lord, that it has taken me this long to "get" this. Somehow you knew that I needed this time. This wait. Perhaps it won't be long yet.

burdens, blessings and something about love

My blogging has been spotty. I feel compelled to write something so I'm just going to start and see what comes out. I think sometimes I don't blog because I feel I don't have anything "good enough" to share. It's as if it needs to be a polished thought or an impressive post. I wish this wasn't so because sometimes I just need to write. I do reserve my journal for times like that as it is a place I can write more freely but I'd like to get better at doing a bit more of that here. One reason for that is that my favorite blogs are the ones that are real, raw and unpolished. They're just about life. And life, in its truest sense, is that. Raw. Real. Unpolished. Ugly, even. And, as this post turned out, corny. So at the risk of not sounding as cool and smart as I wish I was, I will ramble a bit about what has been occupying my time and thoughts these days and not waste time trying to make it sound good...

Lately I've been burdened. Burdened in one of the few positive ways one can be burdened. Burdened and compelled to pray, and compelled to treasure the numerous, abundant blessings in my life.

I am burdened by the sufferings of friends I know, of people I don't know and of things that are far-removed such as what I read about online or in the news. I can vascillate between feeling numb or feeling too much in reaction to what's going on around me. Lately it's been the latter. Here are a few examples of the things a little closer to home that make me feel deeply sobered to the realities of life...

I have a friend in Oregon whose 22-month-old son fell through a screen from the third floor of their town home onto his head on the concrete. He's hanging on but the extent of the damage is unclear at this point. Everyday I read her blog to get the latest update and hear her pour out her heart that is grieving, struggling, angry, and so, so sad that her son may never be the same again.

I have a friend at church whose 10-year-old son had brain surgery a week ago for bleeding in his brain after symptoms of a concussion weren't attended to while he was boxing in a neighborhood gym. He was encouraged to keep boxing and ended up unconscious. 10-years-old. His mother is 28 and 7-months-pregnant. Her 8th pregnancy in 11 years. They are very, very poor. Neither parent has a job. Thankfully the gym is paying for all of their son's expenses because there is just no way they could afford any of the care he's received. He woke up from a coma two days ago, thank God but the damage in his brain is yet to be determined.

One of the long-term midwives at Glory Reborn desperately wanted to get pregnant after she married. A year went by, and then another. So many of us prayed with and for her that she'd be blessed with a baby. And then it happened! And there was much joy and rejoicing and hope and excitement - especially on the part of Tina and her husband Vincent. Tina delivered a baby girl last month, "Hannah Monique." After birth, baby Hannah was rushed into surgery for a severe diaphragmatic hernia (the contents of her abdomen were displaced up into her chest cavity, restricting adequate growth and development of her heart and lungs). Everything that could possibly have been done was done but she didn't make it. Tina and Vincent were and are devastated.

I am sorry to depress you. These are just a few things/people that I think about a lot lately. The good side of this has been some of the moments in the past week that I have felt urged to soak up, inhale, take note of, revel in, and enjoy. Most of which have involved being with Andrey. Definitely the best thing in my life these days (& the past 7 years), is my relationship with Andrey. I really enjoyed hanging out with him this past weekend. Not that we don't usually enjoy spending time together, because we do. Time with Andrey - talking, eating, laughing, being silly - is one of the most life-giving things in my life and for some reason this weekend, even though it was full of ordinary life, just felt extra special.

Andrey typically isn't comfortable with being affectionate in public. I'm not talking about making out here. Ick. Not in public. We've become part Asian in that sense as we find ourselves very uncomfortable with inappropriate public displays of affection such as groping and necking. No, I'm talking about holding hands or walking with arms around each other. I love that stuff. I realize it's one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world, for Andrey to put his arm around me in public or want to hold my hand - more so in public because for me it means SO much that Andrey is compelled to express his love, not only just for me but for others to see. It sends the message to me that I am loved, wanted, special and that he's not ashamed to show it that I am his. I love it so much. Last weekend Andrey was uncharacteristically "lovie" with me in public. Once or even twice in the mall he reached over and kissed me on the forehead and smiled at me affectionately. I was beaming. I could have just melted into a soppy puddle right then and there in the pet shop. Few things make me feel happier or more loved.

Perhaps it's the fact that we know these days of just the two of us are fleeting and should be taken advantage of. Or perhaps it's the Lord further strengthening our marriage because we're going to need to be strong and united for the imminent parenting challenge ahead. Perhaps it's the awareness of how tragedy could strike at any time. As others can attest, life is just moving along and then BAM! - it's changed, forever. So I sat in the middle bench seat the other night when Andrey was taking me to work so we could be close and I told him how thankful I was that he's alive and doesn't have an unknown extent of brain damage. Time lately has been extra sweet and I am thankful. So, so thankful for all that we have. So thankful for my best friend. The guy I will team up with in this parenting thing soon enough and for the rest of my life, should the Lord bless us with that.

Part of the fun lately is seeing each other scold our cat Gerald when he does something he's not supposed to - like pee in our plants or scratch up our furniture. I was so entertained seeing Andrey run after Gerald, yelling his name scornfully. I too must look ridiculous when I suddenly get up from my chair to grab the spray bottle of water to discipline a silly little cat, provoked by his latest offense. I mentioned to Andrey something like this, "Man it's gonna be entertaining seeing each other lose our cool with our kids someday. I'm sure I'm going to find it hard not to laugh!" These are the things we look forward to, I guess.

I realize this post has turned corny. But love is corny so I don't care. God has given me a gift greater than I could ever have dreamed up myself. I am savoring and relishing this relationship; this partnership; this friendship. I want to combat the lie that all marriages eventually dry up and aren't fun anymore at some point. What a lie! Marriage is wonderful! We're coming up on our 7th anniversary and I'm still crazy for my nerdy husband!

I realize that if God could give me such a wonderful gift in Andrey, that I expect I will think the same of our future children. I know there will be times when I realize how perfect our adopted children are for our family and how precious they are. Times when I will be filled with love for them and with joy for God's amazingly creative goodness to us - how they were specifically chosen for and meant for our family. I'm really looking forward to that but am also really enjoying today.

We can't expect or demand a life without tragedy or suffering. Not in this world. In fact, living in the developing world has made me baffled at how little suffering I have experienced and how unbelievable that is when the majority of people in the world seem to have so many, inexplicably more serious daily challenges. That's one of the most significant things I've learned since moving overseas - that my life, my experience of life actually represents life of the minority NOT the majority. The majority of humans in this world live with much more pain, suffering, and discomfort. To my surprise, many are full of joy and life, despite the awful tragedies they have had to endure. I am amazed at this. I know that I am to enjoy today, enjoy what God has for me today. Lately, that is a whole lot.

Pregnancy Dream

Last week I dreamt I was suddenly about six months pregnant. Not sure how that happened but the weird part was that my belly was transparent and I could see my baby clearly. The remarkable part of the dream was the emotions I experienced. I was ecstatic. I was SO happy to learn of a baby growing inside that all I could do was hold my belly and smile and talk to my baby. I was so hopeful and happy but with an apparent tinge of worry that all would remain healthy and well until delivery. Then it occured to me that I only have a few months to decide where I would give birth and who would be my attendant.

I'm still holding out for this miracle someday while at the same time greatly anticipating the arrival of our adopted children. Recently I decided I would be like the persistent widow in the parable told by Jesus that illustrated to his disciples that they should always pray and not give up. In the story, a widow kept going to the house of a judge with a plea that he grant her justice against her adversary. The judge did not respect or honor God nor did he care what others thought so for a while he kept turning the widow away. Finally, only because the widow had become so bothersome the judge decided to give her what she asked for so that she would just leave him alone.

Jesus used this as an illustration to demonstrate that if an unjust judge grants justice why would God not bring justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night? He will not keep putting them off. He will make sure they get what they ask for.

At the end of this parable Jesus says, "When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Everytime I read this parable I felt this last line was out of place because I couldn't see how it applied to the story. However recently I realized that it must be there for a reason and so I feel I may have discovered why he said that. I realize that we demonstrate our faith in God when we ask him for things that seem impossible to us and to the world and culture in which we live. I believe he wants us to ask and to keep asking because it shows Him that we really believe Him; that we take him at his word; that we believe he not only can do what we ask but he actually wants to and will if we choose to trust him for it. As soon as we turn to other means and other ways, thereby putting our hope in other things, we are saying to God that we don't think he can or will do it.

So I've decided to continually cry out to God for this. Believing that he is able to do what he promised. Just like Abraham did: "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall our offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that Go had power to do what he had promised."

Blogging and Exercise

I was doing so good. I was blogging regularly. I thought to myself... Yeah, I'm finally in the groove with this, I've kept it up. I felt good about it.

Unexpectedly, I find myself having had a lapse from blogging. And now the longer I go without blogging the harder it is to start again. I haven't even kept up with reading other blogs. It's like I've just chosen to ignore that the entire realm of the blogosphere exists.

I have such similar conversations about exercise, which unfortunately has also dropped off in my life the past couple of months. I have been trying to convince myself that the need for exercise doesn't exist. Thankfully I can't get away with that for too long. Thanks to the fact that I am so in tune (insert extreme sarcasm here) with my body that eventually I begin to hear it screaming at me saying, "You lazy A-hole! Your muscles are turning into jello!"

Well I started back at they gym this week and I think I may get back into it...

It Feels Good to be Home

We made it! Bags intact and all five flights on-time. Montgomery-Memphis-Detroit-Nagoya-Manila-Cebu. Whew! Door-to-door the trip took 42 hours. That included 6 hours of sleep in a hotel in Manila. Not bad. I think Andrey and I are becoming quite the travelers as trips like these just don't seem to be that big of a deal anymore. In some ways they are even fun - a good time to decompress and think and be before delving into life as usual again. We'd better enjoy it while it lasts because traveling with 1-2 kids is going to change that!

There was some stress in the beginning when it wasn't clear if we were going to get seats together on the 12-hour flight from Detroit to Nagoya. Even though we booked months ago and checked-in online 24 hours in advance, we were assigned separate seats and weren't able to change them. Being separated on the shorter flights is no big deal but for that one long one I really like to sit with Andrey so I can prop my head on his shoulder to sleep and not have to worry that I'll lean into and drool on a stranger in my drowsiness. Thankfully, a kind young Filipino man was obliged to switch seats so that we could sit together. I was so happy. We both slept most of the flight. We both had "fat feet" by the end of it.

The title of this post mentions "home." I use this term when going "home" to North America and when we return "home" to Asia. What is "home" anyway? This is something I've pondered lately, especially as I wonder what our future kids will identify as their home. For us home is a very loose term. Now that we are well up-rooted from our life in North America there is no one place that feels like home more than any other. There are elements of home in many places we go.

Home is where family is. Home is where we currently live. Home is the ease I feel when comfortable and surrounded by familiarity. Home is a sense in my being that whispers, you are secure, you are loved. Home is where I am truly free to be myself. Home is with Jesus. And since His Spirit lives in me I can feel at home anywhere. One day I will meet my Jesus face-to-face and in His embrace I will really find out what it feels like to be home.

What will I teach my kids about home? I think that I want them to know their place in God's family first, then their place in our family, then their place in the world/on this earth. I guess if you have your identity straight then your definition of home can be very loose without it threatening your peace. I think home is wrapped up in identity. Maybe that's why I have no problem with home meaning so many different things - because underlying it all I know who I am. I am a child of God, part of God's family. I want my kids to know who they are and where their true home is. I think this will be important as I can imagine that it may be a little confusing to be from the Philippines but have a couple of Americans for parents and potentially live in a country other than either of those two places (because who knows where we will live once/if we leave the Philippines). I do hope we get to stay in the Philippines for a while though and that our kids will have the opportunity to stay in their home country during the initial adoption adjustment/bonding period. I'm not exactly sure why I think that would be great but even if that doesn't happen I believe that our kids can have a healthy concept of home. I mean, what a better way to experience life in God's family? Afterall, we are orphans. We've been adopted into God's family. Perhaps it is a privilege for our kids to have the opportunity to grasp that from the beginning. Perhaps they will have to learn about their true identity early on without being limited to an identity related to their nationality. Not that I won't expose them to and educate them about their Filipino heritage as I think that is important but I want to model and teach an expanded definition of home as I have come to understand it.

I was happy to arrive in Cebu today...even with the dense, humid air that slapped us in the face as we got off the plane. I was happy to enter our house and rediscover its unique smell. America and Canada felt pristine and shiny. In comparison Cebu City is bedraggled. Chaotic. Developing. Foreign. Driving through traffic with the windows down I felt grateful for the breeze and the white, puffy clouds that made the day just shy of unbearably hot. Ah yes, I know this feeling. Sweat immediately forming in the crevasses of my body. My bangs that were so cute and stylish suddenly a nuisance. Even though we have air-con in our car, we drove with the windows down so we could take in the sounds and smell of this place that is remarkably strange yet familiar. There are just so many people. Everywhere. Lots of them.

"Oh look! The pineapple guy!" I tell Andrey to pull over. I plan to buy two (they're small). The man says, "3 for 100 pesos." "Alright," I say. How wonderful! Three delicious pineapples that have already been shaved for about $2! Oh joy. By tomorrow I'll have a few canker sores but who cares.

Well that's all for now. My brain is fuzzy and I'm not sure if I'm making any sense at all, just rambling a bit. It's almost 7 pm here and I'm starting to fade. It's time to get up and do something. I've got to make it until 9 pm at least. That's the rule.

Another furlough is done

Early tomorrow morning we'll begin our journey back to Asia after another year's furlough. We've spent the last 9 days in Alabama with my side of the family. My parents only have dial-up at their house so we've been a little out of touch. We're at Starbucks for a couple of hours making use of the internet so I was just now able to at least get the rest of the photos up from our time in Eastern Canada. I'll post about the Alabama portion once we get back to Cebu.

It's been a wonderful furlough (our 4th since we left the US) with times of relaxation, fun, reconnecting and a few speaking engagements regarding our respective areas of involvement in Cebu. While it's been enjoyable, I have to say that I'm ready to get back. At least for me, it's time to get productive again. Andrey has been working throughout our time here so he's still been able to at least keep up with a few things at the office. I'm ready to get back to the clinic and to dig into those hovering midwifery assignments. I'm ready to see our friends and get back to our church. I feel refreshed and energized for life in Cebu. Getting away like this usually has this positive effect on me. I get perspective and appreciate things about life in Asia that I might not recognize if I didn't get out of there every once in a while. For that I am so thankful to Andrey's employer for this chance each year to step away, take a deep breath, unplug, ponder, stop sweating, reconnect with loved ones, think, breath, rest, laugh and enjoy the benefits of certain longed-for conveniences and edible treats while hanging out in North America. We are so blessed. I am thankful.