Love and Attachment

I've been reading like mad these days. Trying to get in as much helpful information as possible. I've called and emailed friends who have adopted. I have a skype date on Saturday with another family who adopted. I want to know how best to make Michella's transition as smooth as possible, how to deal with sleep and food issues, and how to foster attachment.

I am currently re-reading my favorite adoption book, Toddler Adoption by Mary Hopkins-Best, especially the chapters about the transition and attachment. I was reminded of the fact that many adopted toddlers reject one or both parents in the beginning or at least resist their attempts to give love and care. When you think of it, it is understandable, especially with little ones who have experienced several disruptions in their short lives and given the fact that we will be perfect strangers in the beginning. Michella first lost her birth mother, then her foster mother, and she will soon lose those currently caring for her at the small orphanage where she's spent the past eight months. Naturally, it will take some time for her trust. She may resist bonding with us initially as she's afraid of another loss. I knew this but to read about other families who have adopted toddlers who outright rejected (more commonly the mother) one of their new parents, made me realize that I need to prepare myself emotionally for this, should it happen. Of course we don't know if it will but it is better to be prepared and it not happen than to expect that our meeting will be unrealistically dreamy and then be in total shock and dismay when it isn't.

I just know myself. I take things personally often. I'm the one that feels personally offended by the weather! So I am thankful for the "head's up".

I also recognize that it will likely take me some time to grow to love Michella as well. These things are not always instant - even with biological children. So I am bursting my unrealistic bubble about that as well by releasing myself from that expectation to be completely enamored the moment we meet.

As I was praying this morning I realized something. I realized that consistently and faithfully loving and caring for a child even when they continually reject you is such a wonderful picture of LOVE. Not just any love, but Jesus' love, and the love of FatherMother God.

Oh how I rejected God! For years I rejected his love and care as in my brokenness I chose to care for myself. I decided I didn't need him. I had learned to depend on myself in order to protect myself. But oh how he persisted! He never gave up on me. He loved me even when I turned my back and my body became stiff in resistance. Eventually, as I got to know him, I came around. I let him love and care for me. My body relaxed and molded to his body as he held me (I mean this figuratively but also spiritually as I have had spiritual experiences of God holding me like a baby and bonding with me). So when/if Michella doesn't respond to my initial attempts to love and care for her, I will remember that it's not about me. I will not take it personally (although I still might cry about it in my alone time). I will recognize that she is doing what she knows to protect herself and I will empathize with her loss. Who can blame her? I will recognize that there is hurt that in time will be healed. Especially if I persist and continually offer the unconditional love I also received. I will rely on Jesus and His power to enable me to love this little girl in the same way He loves me.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1