Two Weeks Home

It's been two weeks since we've been home with Michella. It's amazing to look back at where we started and compare it to where we are now. Today was the first time I thought to myself, "I love being a mom." I was making champorado for Michella's afternoon snack and she was sitting on the counter next to me making funny faces and cracking me up. I just felt joy in making her a special treat I knew she'd love. I got more kisses today and my first high-five. 

Contrast this to Andrey's experience. Man, it is slow-going. I feel for him that she is a completely different person when he is around. Sometimes it's as stark as her suddenly making funny faces to me as soon as her back is to him. Turn her right around and she gives him the stink-eye. So not fair. We are choosing to focus on the tiny bits of progress in this area, however. In her better moments, he can get quite close to her and she reacts less negatively. He's been persistent in kissing her head or cheek when I am holding her. She is tolerating this now. I've even left her with him a few times for about a minute or two and there has been less crying but still head down and no willing interaction whatsoever. He still hasn't yet had the joy of holding her. This makes me ache for him. How long, I wonder!?

She has continued to become more vocal, even with Andrey in the same room. And I think she likes music and possibly singing as she's been doing a bit of that lately and moves to the rhythm of music that is playing sometimes. It's extremely cute. 

It's way too early to tell but sleep has improved in the past day and a half (thank you Jesus!). Two nights ago I hit a major low point when she had me up till 5 in the morning after the three or more nights previous were very restless and short as well. I was at the end of my rope because the only thing that kept her from having a tantrum was me holding her while I was standing. I'd get her to sleep and gingerly extract her, only for her to sleep lightly or wake appearing anxious or scared and every time she woke and found that I was no longer holding her, she lashed out in anger until I would pick her up. If I stayed lying down and pulled her to rest on top of me, it was no good. If I stayed in bed holding her while leaning on pillows, it was no good. If I sat up and physically supported her body it was okay but as soon as I put a pillow under her so my arms could rest, she'd lash out. All I could do was get up and hold her. 

On the fourth night of this I did all I could. I held her till my arms and back were exhausted and when she still wouldn't let me put her down to sleep I lost it. I started crying and praying, "Help me Lord. Help me Lord. Help me Lord!" My whimper turned into an all out sob from shear exhaustion. It woke Andrey up and he supported me and prayed for me. It was clear that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. We decided that I would find a position I could stay in and let her figure it out. She protested, kicking and crying and eventually screaming. I just held onto her (I had to because she would literally throw herself off the bed if I didn't) and told her, "Mommy's here. Daddy's here. We're not going to leave you. We will be with you all night. I know that you are mad but you need to sleep. It's okay if you are angry. It's okay if you are sad. It's okay if you cry. We love you." I just kept repeating this and found strength from Andrey who stayed awake with me and stayed next to me till she eventually gave up and fell asleep. 

Although it was really, really hard, I think letting her get those feelings out was very helpful. I really believe that the latest sleep issues are indicative of her grief and setting that boundary helped her to face her feelings and express them. Since then, I have done the same thing last night, during nap time today and bed time tonight and each time, she slept great! She napped for two hours today without being on me for the first time in a week. Wahoo! No obvious anxiety or disturbing dreams. And each time, she cries and fights me for less and less time. She was much happier all day today. 

Michella still has this cold and slight cough but at least there is no more fever. It was pretty high for a couple of days last week but is gone now.  I'll be so glad when this running nose gets better! We call it the snot river. We took her for a check up the other day and we both really like our pediatrician.

Well that's enough update for tonight. Here are photos from the past two days. 

My temporary solution to the teeth-brushing issue. Let her do it herself. She's not half-bad actually and is clearly quite proud of herself! The other day I let her brush my teeth then I said, "mommy's turn" and she let me brush her for about 3 seconds before cutting me off. This was progress. We pick our battles and this is definitely one to tackle later.

I really like these diaper covers. Thirsties. I'm getting better at diaper changes. As others have advised me - distraction is key and it usually works. I've just had to get better about doing it while she is in the middle of playing with something. Oh the new skills I am developing!

We went swimming today for the first time today and Michella LOVED it! We were so pleased. She is doing some kicking here. Andrey got some great video as well.

I started getting her to jump to mommy from our kitchen counter or our bedroom dresser a few times, which she loves, so of course it works in the pool, too.

Andrey demonstrated how to blow bubbles in the water and she just went for it and had fun.

Beautiful girl

She is becoming more comfortable with the camera and has started posing without any prompting from me. Here she is enjoying her favorite snack - whole wheat crackers plus a little something I introduced to her: Nutella. This girl loves chocolate. She is such a ham!

I love this picture. She is so cute I could just eat her up! Check out her half mustache.

Grace and Redemption - A Great Day

I am happy to report that today was a much better day. If it weren't for Andrey talking me through a few of those rough spots and for all of your prayers, I think I would go crazy. That was a scary feeling.
I realize now,

• I had prepared myself for being rejected by my child but didn't prepare myself for being the primary caregiver and how demanding it is. Naturally, it is taking me a bit of time to step into this new role. I didn't realize how much I'd have to give up to do it well. I'm willing of course, and this little one is well worth it - there was just a big part of me that had a hard time accepting this new reality.
• Just because something works a few times doesn't mean it is going to work again. I now know I must have very loosely-held, low expectations each day. The past few days were hard partly because I just couldn't understand why what I had done before wasn't working and I was ill prepared for handling things when they didn't go as planned (nor the strong emotions that accompanied them), but the mistakes and failings in how I handled these challenges served to break me down enough to allow me to start fresh today with new insight.
• I had temporarily lost sight of what must be going on in Michella's heart and mind. I feel renewed in my ability to remain empathetic toward her and care for her in the way she needs right now.

We had a really rough night last night. We didn't really get to sleep in earnest till 3 am. Thankfully, we slept till 7:30 together. I'd say we both did pretty great today considering our short night. Here is much of the day in photos.

Morning play time. I was surprised that she didn't mind me snapping a few photogs.

Michella loves the cats and is constantly attracted to them throughout the day. Here she is reaching for Gerald's tail, only to pull her hand back each time as soon as she touches it while giggling with delight. This is a daily occurrence now.

I love this photo. I also love the dimple on her right cheek I discovered when she started laughing. She can be quite silly and we do a lot of laughing together every day. She cracks me up!

Michella has become quite verbal over the past few days, with me anyway. In our play times together I have heard her say, hello, bye-bye, init (hot), indi (no), baby, and dada? (She has said this a few times when pointing to a photo of Andrey.) I read a bit about normal developmental milestones in the 2-year-old. She seems to be on target in her gross and fine motor skills but is clearly behind in language, although it is too early to tell what is just due to the major transition she is experiencing. Besides, there have been changes in languages with each caregiver she's had so it is understandable that she would be a little behind in this department. We are confident in time she will catch-up. Her progress so far (at least with me), is already more than we expected.

A little impromptu post-breakfast naptime. We love how her belly looks so big in this photo and how she is resting her arm on it. She eats a lot.

This is not a great photo but I posted it because of the look on Michella's face as she is laughing here.

Michella and I went outside to walk and play and she was in a very energetic, playful mood (although not wanting to be put down to walk or run like she did yesterday when she chased me and ran for a while and loved it). Michella (not knowing Andrey was there taking photos) kissed me for the first time! How wonderful! She first kissed my cheek, then when I turned to her looking very happy she kissed me twice on the lips. That was when we both noticed Andrey with the camera so she quickly withdrew.

If Andrey is not near, Michella is okay with hanging out on the counter while I cook. Her head is down because I picked up the camera. Here she is playing with the salt shaker, which up until this point had been only shaken for fun but not opened. She put some salt on her hand and then licked it and looked at me with an unsure look on her face about what she was tasting then would quickly start to laugh a loud, "Ha! Ha!" with her mouth wide open before doing it again. Don't worry, I stopped her as soon as she poured about 1/2 tsp in her water and started drinking it. She thought that was hilarious, too. Probably just because she was getting a reaction out of me.

Just as Andrey was finishing dinner for me because Michella was done with sitting on the counter, I held her and swayed to a Ron Sexsmith song called "Never Give up." The words were so appropriate that it brought me to tears as I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It was a mixture of relief for the redemption and grace I had experienced today after the mistakes and failings of yesterday and a welling up of a love that seems to have grown a bit plumper for this little girl. As I sang the words of this song I was making a commitment.

Never give up on you

The world may try to break us in two

I'd never give up on you, darlin'

Whatever I do

A New Kind of Tired

Before I get into this can I just say again how wonderfully life-giving your comments have been to me since we got Michella? The comments have continued and I pour over every word. I'm sorry I can't respond to each one of them like I'd like to so please accept this: I am so grateful. THANK YOU!

The past two days have been challenging. The great part is that Michella continues to smile and laugh easily and seems to really enjoy playing and being silly, with her Mom. When it is just the two of us, she seems completely at ease and her personality comes alive (oh she is a wild one!). When Andrey is in the same area but not not very close, she can still play but is more inhibited. When Andrey is next to her, she either pretends to be asleep or buries her head in my chest or looks down and starts picking her fingernails. She did however, let Andrey kiss her on the head and rub her back today while I was holding her close with out protesting!

The challenging part is that this practically makes me a single parent. I am carrying or holding her or she is sitting on my lap 90% of the time. Add to that the fact that she refuses to nap during the day and every diaper change, clothes change, and bath time is met with strong resistance, makes for one tired mama with a sore back hanging on a thin thread of patience. Today I begged her in my mind to just sleep for 30 minutes. Just 30 minutes. An hour? Dreamy, but I'd take 30 minutes. And that was after I spent over an hour with her in the sling walking outside and then walking inside the house in circles while singing trying to settle her. She did fall asleep but when I laid her down she perked right up. Nuts! I really believe that the nap is God's grace to parents. I just feel like I need a short break. Just one in the day would do wonders for my attitude.


Tonight, shortly before her bedtime I took Michella into the bedroom to have some time in the rocking chair to get settled down. After I finally got her changed (I have to be creative!), she was climbing off the walls (i.e. me). A walk outside in the carrier helped for as long as we were walking outside. As soon as we got back to the room and it was just the two of us, she was ready for action! I felt so frustrated I just let her play in the room while I watched. I thought to myself, 'If I wasn't so tired right now I'd only be thinking about how cute she is when she's so playful'. I knew she was tired but there was nothing I could do! And then I thought, 'A ha!' I brought her out to the living room and we sat right next to Andrey. She rested her head on the shoulder of mine farthest from Andrey and was asleep within 5 minutes. I knew she was tired!

I realize now that she and I need a bit more time just the two of us so she can get our her energy during the day and we can continue to have special bonding times together when she doesn't feel hindered. In addition, we are going to try to do a few outings this week, like take her to a play zone at the mall where a parent is allowed in with the child. Or we may go swimming just the three of us. We may buy a small ride on toy for her to play on outside. With guests so far, even with other kids, Michella hasn't played or been willing to interact so we're not sure how play in a public place with go but we feel compelled to try to give her some more outlets to be active in the daytime. I'm just aware that it is possible that the only time she is willing to be active is when we are alone. That could be tough but we are going to give it a try this week before I declare that this is how it is. When it's nap time or bed time, I now know the key is to stay close to Andrey, as terrible as that sounds, it worked so well tonight!

Thank God her sleep at night has been better the past two nights. It wasn't going well at all for a while there but after some focused prayer time to deal with her apparent fear of going to sleep (I sense that as she's become more attached to me, she's become very afraid that I will leave her like other female caregivers have, perhaps she was handed over when she was asleep?). This has made all the difference! We did some healing prayer that we learned through our church community (based on teachings and a book by Frank and Catherine Fabiano, Healing your Past, Releasing your Future.) Since we prayed about the roots of her fear, she has been sleeping well at night. She does wake a bit unsettled a few times but I am always right beside her to speak the truth to her that we are not going to leave her and that she doesn't have to be afraid. We are no longer using the mattress on the floor, she is in our bed on my side. We feel that her felt secure and our building trust takes priority over getting her to sleep on her own for now. And it helps me sleep better as I don't have to keep moving down to the mattress to rocker her back to sleep or lay down with her on my chest till she falls asleep only to move back to the bed and then do it all over again (or at least that's how it was when she wasn't sleep well).

Sweet Andrey, he wants to help and give me a break during the day but he can't. Mind you he is doing just about everything else around here that needs to be done like defrosting the refrigerator, washing dishes, waiting on me hand and foot for anything that requires more than one hand, putting groceries away and getting a huge pile of paperwork completed for the US government side of the adoption - plus he had to do a bit of work work each day. (What am I gonna do when he goes back to work on Monday!??) He has spent numerous hours over the past week getting stuff together for our US government paperwork (Michella's visa and citizenship) and I am so thankful because I just feel overwhelmed when I think about it.

Lately I am feeling at a loss in terms of knowing what is the best thing for Michella in these days of transition. Go out? Stay in? Have guests over? Play dates? We are getting a bit tired of staying in the house and we really miss socializing with our friends. I have felt really home sick for family and our close friends in the West this past week. This is a big adjustment in so many ways. I just need wisdom on how to navigate it and to do what's best for Michella and our family - even if it's difficult or unpopular. But I'm clueless. I usually have a sense or instinct about what's right but I'm at a loss these days. I read a lot to prepare before we got Michella but working it out in practical ways is another story.

Well I know this post is a bit all over the place. Sorry about that. Just needed to process and vent a little. Thanks for reading. Good night.

p.s. I forgot to mention. I'm pretty sure we have lice. We, that's Michella and me. If so, it's a mild case but treatment starts tomorrow. How I will get this 2 year old to let me leave conditioner in her hair for 15 minutes and then carefully comb through it three times over the next 9 days is beyond me!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes! (Three days till we Travel)

There are a few changes going on around here. Something has compelled me to go through every drawer and every cabinet and every closet in every room to get rid of stuff, organize and rearrange. Nesting perhaps? Today I felt like the work I've done the past few days represents my last chance to control what I can in the face of a great inevitable uncertainty. My excitement lately has morphed into something that is looking a lot more like a 10-year-old on his first roller coaster ride who after inching to the apex ever so slowly and chit chatting with his friends about how fun it's going to be, gets a look of panic all over his face the moment just before he plunges over the edge.

Here are some scenes from around the house that strongly suggest we will have a new family member very soon...

Michella's room is finally finished! All except for the rocking chair I ordered today. It will be ready next week.

On a side note: I just read (obviously after I bought them) about how those foam mats are made out of toxic chemicals (PVC, phthalates, dioxin...). Anyone heard anything about this? It's the same material most yoga mats are made out of. I'm struggling with what to do. Feels like the beginning of about a million parenting decisions I will be faced with that I have no idea how to handle! Let the guess-work begin!