Sweet Talker? Sex Educator?

I got pulled over today by a traffic officer for trying to go straight through an intersection that was right turn only. As if anyone pays attention to the rules around here. Apparently in certain areas in the city around rush hour there are traffic officers that actually enforce traffic laws. I have gone straight through this intersection many times before but at other times of day I guess. Today was honestly the first day I noticed the prohibitive sign.

I apologized; Said I didn't see the sign; I'm new here; I wasn't aware (big liar), hoping he'd just let me go. This is probably not what I will teach my kids one day but there I was lying about it and claiming that I was new in town. The reason for doing that was not only as an excuse for not seeing the sign but as an excuse for driving with only my Washington State, U.S. driver's license. I still don't have a Philippines driver's license. I have friends that have lived her for 8 years and still don't have one so I decided I wouldn't bother. Well now I know that that's all fine as long as you don't get pulled over.

The officer informed me I was in violation for driving without a Philippines driver's license and that my American license was meaningless since it wasn't an international license. Again, I apologized. I said "I'm really sorry, sir, I wasn't aware" many times. Apparently the penalty for such a thing is to have our car confiscated until I get a license. Ouch. What? I asked him, "Can't I just pay a fine or something and promise to get my license ASAP?" I told him I even went out of my way to renew my U.S. license (which I did) so that I wasn't driving with an expired license. I told him the car was registered in my husband's name and that he really needs the car to get to work and that I won't drive it anymore until I get my license, just please let me take it home and it won't happen again.

He asked about my work. I told him I was a volunteer midwife in training at a maternity clinic that provides services to the poor (shamelessly trying anything to get on his good side). Then he told me that we can negotiate. He reminded me that I did offer to pay a penalty. I clarified this and told him that yes, I was indeed happy to pay a fine if he gave me a ticket. What I think he really wanted was a bribe but I wasn't going to offer one. I was just really curious to see if he would ask for one so I asked him what he suggested. He said again, "we can negotiate." Again, I said, "Ok, Sir. What do you suggest?"

After a few seconds of his mind seemingly churning and thinking of something he began to ask me what do I think about a woman menstruating twice in one month. He asked me, "What does it mean? Is it normal?" I was taken aback as I did not expect to discuss the female menstrual cycle with him but I decided I'd go along with it and see what happened. I asked him if he was referring to someone he knew, say his wife?... or perhaps... Clearly that was too personal so he said, "Uhh, just someone I know." I'm not sure why I asked that but I did want to know was this woman over 45? Could she be menopausal? No, she was 25. Ok. So I proceeded to explain to him that some women have irregular menstrual cycles because of an imbalance in hormones. I explained about estrogen and progesterone.

I thought to myself that other possible answers to his question depended on how heavy her flow was so I asked. He informed me, "just spotting." Again, I was flabbergasted that I was having this conversation with a traffic officer at 5 pm on the side of the highway in Cebu, but continued on as if absolutely nothing was abnormal about this. I mentioned that it could also be an indication that this woman is pregnant. And that if she was, I'd be happy to care for her myself at our clinic. "Pregnant?" he said with a look of concern on his face. I then explained about fertilization and implantation bleeding but gave a disclaimer that of course, I have no idea because I knew very little about this woman.

He thought about this for a few more seconds and then it became apparent that our "negotiation" was going to consist of him informing me of my violation, warning me of the consequences should this happen again, and letting me go. I wondered what kind of negotiation this was but of course was pleased. I drove away scratching my head and so very thankful that I got out of that with our car and my license still in my possession.

I could not have made that bizarre experience up it was so obscure. That's one thing I have come to enjoy about life in a developing country like the Philippines... you just never know what you'll see each day or what will happen every time you leave the house. Such an adventure. Makes for great stories.

The Engagement Photos We Never Had

When we were in Mexico last month our friend Andrew took us to the park for a photo shoot. We've never done anything like it before so we couldn't help but ham it up for the camera. We had fun, though. Here are a few of the shots from Andrew's photography blog. Check it out!

http://thewillmsphotogblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/guy-and-girl-photoshoot.html

Gerald

We got a cat! His name is Gerald. Our camera is broken, so sadly I can not include a photo of his tiny body. He's a kitten. Not sure how old. He and three siblings appeared out of nowhere at the clinic about a month or so ago. Hilary was trying to find homes for them. She had the genius idea of bringing the kittens to the clinic Easter party yesterday. It was very effective. Andrey happened to be with me so we were able to make the decision on the spot. We have been tossing up the idea of getting a cat but not wanting to deal with finding someone to house sit every time we go out of town, which is often. With Hilary and her husband agreeing to take care of the cat each time we are away, we couldn't refuse.

Gerald is mostly white with a few grayish-black spots on his head and a grayish-black tail. He is very social and cuddly and has bad breath. He is very playful. His meow sounds more like a squawk. He is almost always purring, especially when he's curled up next to one of us. He's quite the happy-go-lucky cat. He's even litter trained. He's super cute! We've barely had him 24 hours and both of us are smitten.

He was initially given the name "Jerry" by those who have been taking care of him the past month. Yesterday we decided to Filipinize his name so we started calling him "Jer Jer." But then we were told that that means "sex" in Visaya. No wonder why the others were giggling when we called him that yesterday! We've since changed his name to Gerald, his formal name.

Adoption Dream

I'm having lots of vivid dreams lately. Maybe it's the jet lag. As I was writing about the dream in my last post, I remembered a dream I had had the night before. This time it was an adoption dream.

In the dream I was at a gathering in a children's home. The scene was very similar to a birthday party at a children's home in Cebu that Andrey and I went to just before we started the adoption process. We were gathered with many others sitting at a long table. Then someone came in and told us that we'd been matched with two children. Immediately Andrey and I looked at each other, overcome with joy at the realization that we were getting siblings like we'd hoped. We were so excited! We didn't expect that we'd meet them right away but in the next instant two small children were brought to us. One child was a girl who looked to be about three or four years old. The other child was a boy, younger than the girl but I'm not sure how old because I didn't get a good look at him. The reason for this was because as soon as the little girl was brought into the room, she immediately ran to me and crawled up in my lap. Her face was smiling and bright. I was delighted at this! She was so tiny and seemed to be very malnourished. Then we were told that she was actually six years old. I thought to myself, Wait! I asked for a child under 4! But I felt such love for the child that I decided I was willing to consider it and wondered if this was really what the Lord had for us.

The best part of the pregnancy and adoption dreams was a common element in both: an immense feeling of joy. Ecstatic joy. Excited happy delight. The feeling was so similar in each of the dreams.

Who knows what they mean but I find dreams like these significant in some way and like to record them. Anyone gifted in dream interpretration?

Pregnancy Dream

Last week I dreamt I was suddenly about six months pregnant. Not sure how that happened but the weird part was that my belly was transparent and I could see my baby clearly. The remarkable part of the dream was the emotions I experienced. I was ecstatic. I was SO happy to learn of a baby growing inside that all I could do was hold my belly and smile and talk to my baby. I was so hopeful and happy but with an apparent tinge of worry that all would remain healthy and well until delivery. Then it occured to me that I only have a few months to decide where I would give birth and who would be my attendant.

I'm still holding out for this miracle someday while at the same time greatly anticipating the arrival of our adopted children. Recently I decided I would be like the persistent widow in the parable told by Jesus that illustrated to his disciples that they should always pray and not give up. In the story, a widow kept going to the house of a judge with a plea that he grant her justice against her adversary. The judge did not respect or honor God nor did he care what others thought so for a while he kept turning the widow away. Finally, only because the widow had become so bothersome the judge decided to give her what she asked for so that she would just leave him alone.

Jesus used this as an illustration to demonstrate that if an unjust judge grants justice why would God not bring justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night? He will not keep putting them off. He will make sure they get what they ask for.

At the end of this parable Jesus says, "When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" Everytime I read this parable I felt this last line was out of place because I couldn't see how it applied to the story. However recently I realized that it must be there for a reason and so I feel I may have discovered why he said that. I realize that we demonstrate our faith in God when we ask him for things that seem impossible to us and to the world and culture in which we live. I believe he wants us to ask and to keep asking because it shows Him that we really believe Him; that we take him at his word; that we believe he not only can do what we ask but he actually wants to and will if we choose to trust him for it. As soon as we turn to other means and other ways, thereby putting our hope in other things, we are saying to God that we don't think he can or will do it.

So I've decided to continually cry out to God for this. Believing that he is able to do what he promised. Just like Abraham did: "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall our offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that Go had power to do what he had promised."

Back in CEBU!

Yeah! We're home. There is much to fill in since my last post. Computer access is always very spotty during our annual trip to the D.C. area each spring. I'll give it a shot...

After we left Mexico we flew back to the D.C. area and stayed the night with some friends. Andrey spent the following day at the headquarters office of his job in some kind of training. I got the day to myself but had the task of getting to the hotel where we stayed during the annual prayer gathering (the main reason for going to DC every spring). A coworker of Andrey lent me his Ford Ranger truck. My job was to bring all four of our heavy bags down three flights of stairs into the cold rain and into the truck. I did this, one by one while thinking of how silly I would look doing something like this in the Philippines. I realized how thankful I was for life in the Philippines where there are porters to help you carry stuff. Yeah, I know I sound lazy but it made me appreciate life in the Philippines.

I learned that being in a big city without a cell phone driving on massive freeways that I don't know in the rain in a truck with an unfamiliar clutch is somewhat intimidating. I kind of forgot how to interact with drivers in the U.S. No honking, that's for sure unless you really want to piss somebody off. I was shocked - completely surprised when someone stopped and gave me space to make a U-turn to get ahead of him in a long line up at a traffic light. Shocked. What is this? I also find I'm nervous going through intersections with a green light. I'm scared to just blow through them, anticipating and expecting someone to pull out in front of me. People in the U.S., not always I realize, actually stop and wait at read lights. These are a few ways in which I experience culture strain when I come the U.S.

I made it to the Sheraton after all. That's the hotel where the prayer gathering was. We stayed there for three nights. The prayer gathering was FANTASTIC. This is where 900 people came together to prayer for the work around the world. Andrey's parents, sister and brother-in-law joined us and we had several good times together. It was very great having them there.

Andrey and me with Lisa & Mike (beloved sister and brother-in-law)
Mom, I stole this photo from your blog, I trust you don't mind :)

I can't share a ton about it here but I can tell you that the prayer gathering is a big highlight for us each year. It enables us to step back and get a bigger picture of why we are in Cebu. Plus, being around so many people who support and pray for us is AWESOME. We go away feeling exhausted at first, especially for Andrey since it's a lot of work for him, but overall hugely encouraged and refreshed. I get a chance to hang out with the other spouses of the directors serving around the world - in India, Africa, South America, Southeast Asia - and Andrey gets to spend a week afterward in a beautiful location on the Chesapeake Bay with the rest of the overseas field office directors. The spouses also joined them there for the first two days of the week. I reveled in the fresh, cold air and ample open space to enjoy outdoors. What a privilege to be a part of this organization and this work. They take great care of us!

While Andrey was at the rest of Team Week, as it's called, I stayed at Sean & Shannon's house in Virginia. Sean & Shannon lived in Thailand while we were there and we became very close with them and their kids. A friend of mine from Thailand, who now lives in NYC, came to visit for two days while I was there. I took her to see the cherry blossoms and the monuments and the White House. I am very Metro savvy now. I love getting around on the subway in DC. I also spent a day at the Arlington Cemetery with spouses of other directors - a British woman who will soon be moving to India and a politician from Zambia. I felt the most proud of my country being there with foreigners. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to be a very good tour guide as my level of knowledge of historical facts is sadly scanty. Shameful even. I blame it on my not-so-great public school experience and having probably one of the worst history teachers who actually convinced me that history wasn't practical or of any importance to our lives today. Or at least that is what I gained from class that consisted of copying his notes from the overhead projector instead of him teaching us anything interesting. I now think differently. I'm getting better though and learning more, little by little. It was a gorgeous, sunny day and I learned even more about the cemetery, as it was my third visit there. My cousin is buried there.

The last portion of our visit to America was spent in a cabin in rural West Virginia with Sean & Shannon and their two kids. Sadly, our camera bit the dust and so I currently have no photos of our time there. I'm hoping to get some from Shannon later. We spent four nights in a lovely wood cabin right near a river. On the first of our three full days we took a four hour hike through the Dolly Sods Wilderness. It was a beautiful, sunny and warm day. When the kids got tired of walking Sean told them stories to get them through. Katherine got to ride in a kid carrier backpack on Sean. That also helped. We stopped along the way and ate our packed lunch. So fun!

Dolly Sod's Wilderness (photo taken from here)

The next two days were spent either in the cabin or outside by the river for short periods of time because a storm came in and it SNOWED! It snowed for 36 hours and dropped at least 6 inches of powdery snow. It was beautiful. Snow is still quite a novelty for me so although I was a little worried about whether we'd get out of there, I was more excited about seeing it snow outside. We had a fire going constantly and I did lots of reading and relaxing. We did get out a few times to play in the snow. We even built a fire by the river while it was snowing and then Sean went fishing in the river. It was a gorgeous place to relax.

Early yesterday morning when we packed up and left we weren't sure we'd get out. The cabin is deep in a valley so we had some distance to travel uphill. After one scary 5-point-turn at the base of a hill we found an alternate route that got us out to a main road. The road was snow covered and icy and we remained in a winter scene for about an hour and then suddenly it looked like spring again. We made it to the airport on time, early even.

We had an easy trip back to Cebu on Korean Airlines. DC-Seoul-Cebu. It was the best itinerary we've ever had. Every time we travel like this we try to enjoy every bit of it, being just the two of us because we can't help but wonder if it will be our last trip without children and extra stuff to tote around. We watched three movies, ate several meals and slept quite a bit. We're enjoying it while it lasts because something tells us (hmmm, let's say families with kids sitting near us and every one else we know who travel with kids) that traveling just won't be the same. Although we really look forward to being parents, here's to living in the moment and being grateful for today!

It's great to be back in Cebu.

A Few Shots From Mexico

A waterfall outside of Monterrey at Cola de Caballo.

"Guy" taking shots of "Bud" on a very short donkey ride

The view of Monterrey from our hotel window

Rey del Cabrito "King of Goat" restaurant in Monterrey, displaying their specialty - As it turns out, not one of us was interested in trying it.

Parque Fundadores in Monterrey

We were only in Monterrey a few days. We spent the rest of our time in Torreon in Dana & Andrew's home but I didn't take any shots. That's when our five-year-old camera started going on the fritz.

Thanks Willms Family for showing us a fantastico good time!

In Mexico

Hi friends. Just want to share that Andrey and I are having a blast hanging out in Mexico with Dana and Andrew and their two kiddies. We spent the first two nights in Monterrey at a great hotel. Yesterday we drove to Torreon, where we'll be until Wednesday when we fly back to the D.C. area.

I don't have any photos to post right now because I didn't bring my computer or the cable I need to download any photos. Will have to do that another time.

Best things so far about being in Mexico:

• Quality time with great friends including lots of chats and laughs and silliness (for the kids' sake, of course)
• Real Mexican food - spicy salsa, gorditas ("little fatties") for breakfast, endless amounts of tortilla chips and fresh limes, queso, yummy cerveza... if i keep this up I'll turn into a gordita myself! I've just been ignoring the painful burning in my stomach post spicy salsa. I figure it will be over soon...
• Dry air - the chapped lips are a bit annoying but the novelty of dry air is being enjoyed just for that reason; it's even a bit cool here still in the morning
• Seeing Andrey and Andrew chatting it up and giggling like a couple of girls, just delighted to be in each other's presence
• Dana & Andrew's trampoline

Not so fun things:

• Burning stomach after spicy food and indigestion after too many gorditas
• Looking like a dumb-ass when I give the nervous blank stare when someone speaks to me in Spanish; Dang it! This dumb foreigner tourist thing is just uncomfortable. Thankfully, Dana and Andrew's Spanish is quite good (as if we would know) so at least they look good, which is the way it should be

We're very blessed to have this time with D & A. We've made the trip since it looks like they won't get to join us for Nerdfest in August this year so it might be a while before we see them.

Hasta luego!

In America

Andrey and I made it to the D.C. area today. We had one of the best itineraries. We flew Korean Airlines. Cebu-Seoul-D.C. The flight out of Cebu left just before 2 a.m. It was just okay as it was a smaller plane and we both found it difficult to get any sleep. But that flight was only four hours. We had a 3 hour layover in Seoul, which has a very nice airport. The best part was the seating that was very conducive to sleep. Andrey worked on his computer and I took a nice, long nap.

Our long flight to D.C. was great. We slept on and off throughout and enjoyed good food and excellent service. Korean airlines is great. They fed us two nice meals. I chose the Korean option both times and loved it. We watched Slumdog Millionaire, which we really liked. It was probably one of the most enjoyable 15 hour flights we've ever taken. In my sleepy state, I recall hearing fussy babies and toddlers nearby and I thought about how tired I felt and wondered what it would be like to take a flight like this and have a child or two to care for. Oh dear. I guess I'm enjoying these days while I only have my own whiney needs to deal with.

Now we're at a friend's house. We'll be staying here tonight. We're going to Mexico early tomorrow morning to visit Dana & Andrew. We're meeting in Monterrey, where we'll stay in a hotel for a few nights before driving to Torreon. We'll be back in the D.C. area on Wednesday, where we'll be until we go back to Cebu on April 8th. We'll be attending the global prayer gathering before Andrey has a week's worth of work-related meetings. Then we get to spend a few days in a cabin in the woods with the Litton family. Their daughter is our god-daughter. We were quite close with them during our time in Thailand so we're really looking forward to spending some quality time together. We are so blessed with such great friends and so many fun things to look forward to on this trip and others.

For now, the goal is to stay awake until at least 9 this evening. The coffee is already wearing off so I'd better keep moving. Maybe a walk outside in the brisk air will help.

Our Compassion Child, Ivy

When our former Compassion sponsored child graduated from her program in Africa, Andrey and I decided to sponsor a child from the Philippines. We knew that the child they picked for us could come from anywhere in the country. What we didn't expect was that the child they'd assign to us would not only live on the same island, but would live an hour's drive from Cebu City. Perfect!

Andrey's mom is a Compassion advocate, which means she represents Compassion's sponsorship program and finds sponsors for waiting children around the world. In January, while Andrey's parents were in town we made it a point to visit our sponsor child together. Her name is Ivy.

The four of us drove an hour south of Cebu City along the coast to a small town called Sibonga. There, we met with the leaders of the local church that run the Compassion program. It's a new program that provides sponsorship to 100 children in the area. The children receive everything they need to go to school and regular medical and dental check-ups. The pastor and administrator who hosted us were very excited to meet us. We were the first sponsors to visit one of the children.

In Sibonga, we met at the church where the program is held and were introduced to Ivy and her mother. We chatted for a few minutes and then we all went to lunch together at Jollibee in a bigger town nearby. Jollibee is the Philippines version of McDonald's. Kids light up when they see the restaurant's mascot, "Jollibee," which is just as it sounds - a very jolly bee. Ivy was ecstatic when she heard where we were headed.

Like most Filipino children, Ivy was incredibly shy and nervous to be around tall, white people. She would barely make eye contact with us. In the car on the way over her mother kept telling us (in Cebuano, thankfully I could understand her) that Ivy is so shy around us because she is afraid of our long noses. Filipinos make a very big deal about the differences in our noses. They are quick to make disparaging remarks about their own short, flat noses. It usually comes either just before or right after the self-deprecating remarks regarding the "blackness" of their skin. Why can't we all just be happy the way God made us!? Anyway...

We enjoyed our time at Jollibee. After lunch we followed the leaders to Ivy's home where we gave a few gifts and were stared at by a gathering crowd from the community. We met more of Ivy's family before we drove back to the city.

Ivy enjoying her lunch at Jollibee.

Andrey, Ivy and me with Jollibee (the poor girl was terrified of us)

Walking to Ivy's house

Ivy at her door step

Ivy with her grandmother, brother and mother

Starved Baby Boy

Can I just tell you another ridiculously shameful story of crap that happens in the Philippines that I have the joy of witnessing? It would be oh so easy to assign 100% of the blame on the poor excuse of a city hospital here but in this case the mother herself left me bewildered.

Last week we had to transport a patient to the hospital because she was in early labor and the heart beat of her baby decelerated to a dangerous level. This patient was 38 weeks pregnant with a fundal height (belly measurement) that reached 30 centimeters at its largest. At the time of admission her fundal height was 28 cm. This is incredibly small.

During the first half of her pregnancy her belly was growing as expected but since about 20 weeks or so, the growth of the baby really started to lag and never caught up. All through her chart there is evidence that our staff advised her to eat well and take her vitamins. Numerous midwives explained to her the importance of good nutrition in pregnancy and the risk to the baby if it doesn't get the nutrition it needs and doesn't grow well. She claimed she didn't have money for food, yet there was evidence that she actually did have more choices available to her.

In fact, she was spending her money on white bread and fortified, powdered chocolate milk drink, which has a lot more sugar than protein. We know for one that the milk powder is a lot more expensive than fresh vegetables and eggs, for example. And since she apparently had no problem paying for meds we prescribed for an infection she had and the lab work we required, several of us agreed that something just wasn't right about her story.

We have numerous women in our clinic who have very little money and who truly struggle to eat well and pay for needed labs and meds but this woman didn't fit the usual profile. Most of these patients still find a way to eat at least three meals a day. It may not be the ideal diet but at least it's not one that induces the level of malnutrition seen in this woman and her baby. In addition, our women who are truly impoverished do not have a husband with a decent, stable job like this woman does. And this was her first baby so it's not like she had many other mouths to feed. Each midwife attempted to get to the root of the problem but she maintained that it was a financial problem that kept her from eating.

So that brings us to this point, where we were last week with this patient in early labor and her baby giving us some very nonreassuring signs of its well-being. Unfortunately she was only 2 cm dilated so there wasn't much we could to facilitate delivery. We hooked her to IV. We filled a bag of medical supplies and gave it to her husband to hand over at the hospital to alleviate some of the cost just like we do for all of our patients who get transported. I called the OB resident and told her we were coming. We took her to the city hospital. After waiting over 30 minutes for a doctor to see our patient, the OB finally determined she needed an emergency C-section.

They informed me that the provincial hospital (the only other public hospital in the city) is closed for two weeks for fumigation just like it does every year and that because of this our patient was 5th in line for C-Section.

24 hours later... Yes, 24 hours later our patient had her C-section. Although I haven't confirmed this, we heard that the woman just ahead of our patient, in line for C-section because of dangerously high blood pressure (preeclampsia), went into eclamptic shock and died - waiting for C-S.

As for our patient, she delivered a three and a half pound baby boy. He required resuscitation at birth. Once he was stable they did a gestational age exam and determined that he was indeed 38 weeks (full-term) and therefore was confirmed to have suffered from intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR), which is in most cases a result of extremely poor nutrition. It was exactly as we had suspected. That in and of itself is more than enough for a little baby to be up against.

Unfortunately though, in addition to this the baby clearly experienced hypoxia due to the decelerations of his heart beat and was likely in metabolic acidosis at birth. (Acidosis is what happens when there is deprivation of positively-charged oxygen molecules in the tissues and organs, and there is a subsequent build up in hydrogen ions, which have a negative or acidic charge. Organ and tissue damage is certain when prolonged.)

God knows what additional damage has been done just by leaving him in so long. His heart rate was dipping down to 80 beats per minute when we took them to hospital, which is always an emergency situation. A normal fetal heart rate is 120-160. Since then (a week ago) the baby has stayed in the ICU (which is really just a small room adjacent to the pedia ward with 3-4 babies to a bed, no incubators, and only 1 oxygen tank) and has been receiving meds for metabolic acidosis. We learned yesterday that he coded again and had to be resuscitated again. So far, he's still alive.

According to the obstetrician that works closely with our clinic and who saw our patient in the hospital, the patient admitted she didn't eat because she didn't want a big baby. I can't say for sure that this truly was the reason why she decided to starve her baby but the thought of it is heart-breaking. Awful. Awful. Awful.

Internet Troubles

After days of little to no internet connection, several phone calls to the phone company, and a long-awaited visit from a technician, our internet connection is back up! Yeah!

Without internet connection for what we consider to be a significant amount of time, we were surprised at how disconcerted and discombobulated we felt. We felt isolated, disconnected and cut off from the world and from friends and family especially. It's an awful feeling actually.

It makes me realize how much having the internet enriches our life overseas and how different life would be without it. At the same time it's disturbing at how dependent we are on it. I'm not sure it's worth analyzing whether it's a good or bad thing. It is what it is. I'm just thankful we're back in action.