One Week Since Adoption Day and Today's Breakthrough

It's been one week since the day we became Michella's parents. What a ride this has been. I always wondered what these days would be like but could never really imagine them in detail. The one daydream (ache) I did have regularly was having a small child cuddling with me and falling asleep on my chest. I never imagined that this would be how I spend most of my waking hours or how many times in a day/night I would wait for her to sleep in this position before gingerly transferring her to the bed during nap time or her mattress on the floor next to our bed at night. I had no idea how bad my back would ache from carrying her or cuddling her in one position or holding while she slept or trying to make dinner with one arm while holding her in the other. I had no idea that I would hold her and cry because of the pain in seeing her hurt. I had no idea about a lot of things.

I must say that the past two days have been a bit hard for me personally. Michella has been restless at night, partly due to the cold she is dealing with as well as some diarrhea. This has made night-times not very restful for either of us. After a fun and cheerful morning together on Wednesday (we ran a couple errands and then took Michella out for lunch when she proceeded to amaze us with her vigorous appetite. She ate so well and fast that I could barely keep up. There was rice everywhere! We had a few half-smiles and Andrey and I laughed with delight at her), the afternoon that day was full of sad, unhappy faces per Michella. The sad faces were not unusual but it's amazing what the heart does when you have signs of progress - it is quick to declare that the worst is over and everything should be hunky dory from here on out. Of course I know in my mind that is not to be expected but in my heart I am quick to run there.

Yesterday was particularly hard. It seemed that even my usual physical care was met with resistance. She wouldn't take any food offered by me and didn't want to play. All of my attempts (as opposed to most) to interact/make eye contact were met with withdrawal and rejection. For some reason I took this hard as I realized that even though Michella has allowed me to care for her physically (cuddles with head buried or turned away from me only, feeding, bathing, sleeping), she has not yet allowed me to care for her emotionally (no eye contact, very little interaction, no communal play, no smiles directed at me, no words, no laughter). I think I had assumed that her allowing me to care for her physically also meant she was starting to open up to me emotionally but the obvious error in that thinking became apparent yesterday and it hurt even though I had supposedly prepared myself for this. I felt emotionally tapped out, emotionally fragile and just plain tired. I admit I didn't feel the usual compassion. I just felt tired and had a hard time even praying for her last night like I usually do.

This morning started out with more of the same. After breakfast I held Michella for our morning cuddle and I prayed a desperate prayer for strength and patience for this new day. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with compassion for this little one in my arms and a welling up of emotion so I cried. I cried for this little one's pain and I cried to the Lord for help, mercy, grace and healing on her behalf. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. 

We began our usual morning playtime. I decided that even though she usually resisted eye contact that I would continue to be intentional in this area. She played facing me in my lap. I would hand her something or she would grab something within reach to play with. After about 20 minutes of this (already a longer than usual time of playing without needing to withdraw and cuddle), I took a chance at a game of peek-a-boo with a small towel. Not much response. We played a little more and soon, using a bamboo fan, she started playing peek-a-boo and I GOT MY FIRST SMILE directed at me from our time of personal interaction. I laughed my joy and relief and kissed her neck. This went on. We continued to play and she continue to smile at me showing a medium amount of pleasure. This would have been enough...

As the day went on we moved to hanging out on the couch with her on my lap facing me. We played more peek-a-boo and her smiles increased in intensity. Then I lifted her in the air and entire face lit up and I got a full-teeth smile! This continued for another 15 minutes! We played many different games involving our bellies, some tickling and some lifting in the air. There was so much continual eye contact and shared smiles. Andrey was in the room at this point and got to observe this. We couldn't believe it! We were overjoyed!! This was BY FAR the happiest we have seen this little girl since we started caring for her a week ago. 

About an hour later I had her in my sling carrier. We went for a walk and then I sat down to do something when she spontaneously leaned back with a huge smile on her face, initiating play. I joined in and swooped to an upside-down position while I went for kisses to her neck. And guess what?? SHE LAUGHED!!! It was a full-on, maxed-out need to release an audible, nearly hysterical laugh! I nearly cried! We did this for a while and she kept laughing!! And when I changed her diaper soon after, she initiated play by putting her feet near my mouth so I would act like I was going to eat them. She loved this - more smiles!

We had a fantastic lunch time with Andrey and she seemed very relaxed around him. She even accepted a few things from him and looked at him a little longer than usual. Amazing. And it seems her appetite is coming back as she ate like a pro!

So thank you thank you thank you for praying! 

Here are some photos from the past few days. We have learned that Michella really really does not like the camera (nor being the center of attention nor being talked about) so we've been selective about when we take photos, thus the several pictures of her sleeping.

Okay, I better go. I have a feeling someone will wake up from her nap soon as she is beginning to stir. Sorry, no time to proofread this!

Our first breakfast home together (Sunday morning)

A trip to the mall to buy her some shoes (Monday). She was actually awake here but closed her eyes as soon as she saw Andrey pull out the camera.

The first of our daily afternoon walks around the yard and on our small street (Monday).

Nap time - she's love the elephant our cousin Katya made her

This girl loves spaghetti! We get much joy out of watching her eat when she's really into her food.

Morning outing to pick up her rocking chair

Another nap time

Yesterday's morning play time turned into an unplanned short nap

We had a few visitors stop by for a trial playdate. Michella was not interested in playing or interacting but seemed fine enough as long as she stayed close to me.

The new rocking chair where we have some pre-bedtime rocking, singing and prayer each night. Thanks Aunt Jan!!

Day 4 - Settling In

I'll will keep this short as I'm tired...

Today's Highlights:

• Seeing Michella's face light up briefly a few times today. First when she saw our cat Fia this morning and greeted her with an "oi!" and a waving hand. Second when I put a new pink headband on her head and showed her in the mirror. She liked it.
• Michella communicating with us, albeit non-verbally. She makes it clear when she's done eating or if she wants to hold the spoon and feed herself or when she is done playing or when all she wants to do is be cuddled by mommy.
• I am learning some of her non-verbal cues and thereby am able to respond to meet her needs before the situation suddenly becomes a stressful crisis for her. A few times today I was able to grab her and pick her up just as she was about to lie down face-down on the ground (we've seen her do this a few times when she gets overwhelmed). 
• Seeing Michella play with blocks, do a little coloring with crayons and fork spaghetti into her mouth by herself.
• Having LOTS of cuddle time with Michella today. We did a lot of sweating together. I am getting to know the top of her head quite well.
• Having a glass of wine with Andrey after putting Michella to bed. He was amazing today! Among many other helpful Daddy duties, he went grocery shopping and made us a delicious dinner tonight. He amazes me with his patience and compassion for Michella, especially in the face of her not wanting to be cared by him yet. Andrey reminded me today that the first character of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13 is patience. Love is patient...

Today's lowlights:

• Changing two to the smelliest diaper bomb blowouts in one day
• When Michella woke up this morning before us, she stood up and apparently walked around to Andrey's side of the bed. Andrey woke up just as she was approaching him. He sat up and said, "Good morning, Michella." She responded by suddenly flopping her body down on the floor face down. The sound of her body landing on the floor woke me up. 
• Seeing Michella mistake our neighbor's care giver with someone she must know from the orphanage. We watched her face get all excited and smile huge when she saw this woman approaching her and even began to reach for her only to suddenly pull back and frown realizing the woman wasn't who she thought she was. Oh the poor little sweetie!

Day 3 - Back in Cebu

Michella slept great last night. Mommy didn't. I hovered around that half asleep/half awake phase for most of the night. I kept replaying the events of the day in my mind and looking over at Michella to see how she was.  Every time I did, she was asleep. I did manage to fall asleep more deeply after about 4am. The next thing I knew it was 6:30 am and Michella was lying awake in bed. I'm not sure how long she was like that.

It took her some time in the morning to warm up. Okay, it was several hours. I'm glad we didn't have to rush anywhere. Once she was up she let Mommy cuddle her for a while. She felt back asleep and I was able to lay her down long enough to get a shower. But while I was getting dressed she awoke and started crying. It was an audible cry this time. She just laid face down on the bed and cried. Andrey rubbed her back but that wasn't what she wanted. I rushed to get my clothes on and then picked her up and she calmed immediately. I was glad that she was at least communicating with us. I am already getting better at doing things one-handed as I pretty much carry her all the time (I don't mind one bit).

Little by little she warmed up enough to eat a bit and let me give her a shower and get her dressed. We decided to try and change our ticket to this afternoon instead of tomorrow. Thankfully we were able to do it without much trouble. We informed the orphanage staff and they agreed to come meet us and bring Michella's belongings and some paperwork we needed to sign.

The staff took us to the airport. We picked up a few other orphanage staff on the way because they forgot to bring us Michella's welcome book.





 










These two "mamas" clearly loved Michella and really started tearing up on the way.

They said their goodbyes and drove away...

Michella watched as the van drove off.

We had a late lunch at the airport. So far, Michella's best, most open times have been when she's eating. She amazed us with how much she ate and drank today! She even accepted food from Andrey (not spoon fed but if handed to her to hold). She also is making more eye contact with Andrey and not tensing up as much when he touches her.

Iloilo countryside from the airport

Walking to the plane - it was a bit rainy and windy. Michella sat up straight for a bit and looked around with this concerned look on her face.

I was SO glad to be coming home today so we can get to a stable place and just stay put and lay low for a while. It was really hard for Michella, who looked very stressed and sad for the first hour or so in our home. After showing her around the house and attempting to play a little, I carried her in the ergo as I got a little something together for dinner but she just seemed so disturbed the whole time and couldn't relax.

As soon as I could, I just sat on the couch with her with soft music, held her close and sang to her. Within minutes she relaxed. After a little while something amazing happened. She lifted her head looked at me, gave me a lighthearted half-smile and put her hand on my face. I kissed her hand and she buried her head again. She did this one more time. I was in shock and so happy. Seems like such a milestone, and way sooner than I expected. We had a bit more cuddle time then bedtime routine (I must remember to get advice on how to brush a 2-year-old's teeth when they refuse to let you. I opted for surrender, try again tomorrow). She listened as Andrey read her a book. She fell asleep around 8. Success! Here she is on a mattress next to our bed. Now it's my turn to get some sleep. We are so thankful for the progress from today. And thankful to all of you who are praying and reading and sending emails. Thank you THANK YOU!!

Day 2 - Michella is with us!

Day 2 was the best day EVER!! Thank you all for praying! We felt the result of those prayers all day. Now as we let the events of today sink in, we can hardly believe how far we have gotten. Our expectations were low. We would have been thankful for any improvement over yesterday. We started the day feeling pretty sure she'd stay another night in the orphanage. Neither of us expected we'd be where we are right now. Michella is sound asleep in a crib right next to our bed. She is really ours. I'll walk you through the events of the day in pictures...

One of the house parents and Michella's social worker picked us up at our hotel and drove us to Michella's orphanage. This is the girls' room. Michella's bed is the lower one on the left. She recently transitioned from the crib to the low bed. The staff and children gave us a tour of the home.
















Michella stayed close to her social worker but looked at Andrey when he took this photo.
















I could get about this close to Michella without her burying her head into the nearest familiar person.




















After the orphanage tour I pulled out a pair of Disney princess flip flops that Andrey's assistant bought for Michella as a gift and gave to us on our way to the airport. She resisted at first and wouldn't put them on but after a few tries, she let me help her put them on.




















We got in the truck to head to the mall. Michella still keeping her distance.

Michella clung to her social worker...

and promptly fell asleep.




















Okay so here is where things get really unexpectedly great. We pulled into the mall parking lot and Michella woke up. As we unloaded out the back of the truck, Michella's social worker hung back a bit. I picked up on the cue and lowered Michella out of the truck. She began to walk, looking a little unsure so I grabbed her hand. I was surprised and delighted that she took it. Then there was a big curb. I held her hand and supported her as she stepped up. A few steps later before she needed to step down off the curb I picked her up and was again surprised that she let me. We crossed the parking lot and entered the mall. This is me feeling totally ecstatic that I am holding her for the first time.
















It was lunch time so we headed for a restaurant and sat down. I put Michella on my lap. She was wary of Andrey, or maybe it was the camera, or both.




















While Andrey ordered our food I chatted with the orphanage staff about the plan for the day. We made a tentative plan for Michella to go back with them later and sleep one last night at the children's home and the staff would bring her to our hotel in the morning with her belongings. When the food came, I cut up some chicken and offered it to Michella. She buried her head in my lap and I held her like that for quite a while. She was not interested in eating.
















Eventually, after several attempts to shift her position so we could see her face, I was able to get her to sit up. So I rocked her and sang a few songs I was told she knew - Jesus Loves Me and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
















After lunch we just walked around the mall as I carried Michella with the orphanage staff trailing behind. The staff suggested we look for a hot dog and that maybe she would eat that. We bought the "hot dog on a stick" (nothing i would ordinarily buy, mind you because it is dyed bright red but I was taking all the help I could get). She wouldn't eat so we walked some more. We gave her some crackers and she held a piece in her hand as we walked but did eat any.

Then the staff decided to leave us alone with her. Michella didn't seem to care that they were distancing themselves and so the staff felt like it was okay to give us space with her to see what happened. At one point I put her down and let her walk but she just kept looking down at her toes the whole time. I thought maybe she'd let Andrey carry her so I encouraged him to try but she wasn't having it so I picked her up. That seemed to be what she was most comfortable with so I carried her all around the mall thinking she might fall asleep as it was her usual nap time. After my back got tired we decided to find a coffee shop. We found a little couch and sat down. We stayed here for close to an hour. I offered her some crackers and started eating. Piece by piece she ate a lot of crackers! Then I remembered the hot dog and gave it to her and she began to nibble on that as well. She got very relaxed and comfortable and seemed to enjoy eating. She just laid on me and ate nearly the entire hot dog!
















After her meal we walked to meet up with the orphanage staff and Michella fell asleep.




















Andrey was the sweetest thing all day - carrying everything, getting whatever Michella and I needed from the bag, ordered stuff for us, talked to and encouraged Michella verbally and basically just did whatever needed to be done. I felt bad that I was getting all of Michella but he was just so happy that she was letting at least one of us care for her. I had to get a photo of Andrey in his new role. Way to go, Daddy!




















We went back to the hotel and on the way, the staff really encouraged us to take Michella now as she had warmed up to us so well. I really wasn't sure what to do. We took her up to our room to think about it and discuss. When I tried to sit Michella down on the bed next to me she protested and wouldn't let go of me. We all agreed that perhaps we'd give it a go. The staff said we could call them if there were any problems at all and they could always come. Since before the parking lot at the mall, Michella hadn't once reached for either of these ladies and when we said goodbye to them she didn't protest. She did watch them walk away though and looked a bit sad. Poor girl.
There have been moments when she has seemed to be crying but not making a sound. I'm not sure how she does that. She has barely said anything all day but at one point when Andrey tried to take her hot dog away she mumbled a grunty 'no!'

After a quick trip to the supermarket we went out for dinner. She buried her head for a while then after she warmed up a bit she ate quite a lot! We are so proud of her for how brave she was today!


































We got back to the hotel and I got her ready for bed.




















I cuddled her and sang to her. She held 'Goodnight Moon' in her lap but wouldn't let me read it to her. She fell asleep in my arms like this.

I transferred her to the crib next to our bed and she just rolled right over still asleep. We stood there and looked at her for a while letting the reality sink in that she is ours. We just think she is the cutest thing ever!

And there she is, still asleep as I type this at 10:30pm. If she is still here in the morning I will know it was not a dream. Good night!

Day 1

We met our daughter today. We saw her, hung out in the same room together, and she glanced at us a few times. Poor thing, I think she knows on some level what our arrival means. She will soon lose the many “mamas” she has and will go to yet another strange place.

We were greeted at the airport by the director of the children’s home, an American Baptist missionary of 72 years who is in remarkably great shape. He has been in Iloilo for 32 years. He was accompanied by one of the administrators of the home. They took us to our hotel to get checked in and then took us to the director’s home for dinner. Their Baptist church nearby is where all the children were attending an afternoon service.

On the way we were told numerous times that Michella is very shy and that we shouldn’t worry if she doesn’t warm up to us right away. They also told us that at some point in the past week Michella kissed a photo of me and said, “Mommy.” I’m not sure what I had in my mind about what our meeting would look like (I realize now my daydreaming vacillated between scenes of rejection and immediate love), but I hadn’t considered the scenario in which any child would react to a perfect stranger that she was encouraged to interact with. Of course she would hide her face and look shy! Especially when she suddenly became the center of attention when she was brought to us surrounded by all the other kids in the home and the numerous house mamas.

She and her social worker/house parent (with everyone else trailing behind) walked in the gate and toward the front door. As soon as Michella saw one of us she immediately reached to be held by her caretaker. They walked in and she buried her face. They sat next to us and she laid her head in her caretaker’s lap. She was holding a photo of Andrey and me. It was one of the photos I sent to the adoption board a few months ago along with a family update. Michella must have gotten it a few weeks ago.

Everyone around her tried to coax her to look at us and interact. Andrey and I kept saying, “It’s okay, she doesn’t have to do anything.” The staff clearly were worried about us feeling rejected. The director kept saying things like, “Don’t worry, she’ll be better tomorrow. I promise you, it’s going to be fine.”

We were called to dinner at a large round table. Michella and her social worker sat next to me. Michella kept her head down the entire time but occasionally, (usually when we weren’t looking) would be caught stealing a glimpse of us. As soon as we turned our eyes in her direction she looked away. I thought it might be a good idea to put a little rice on Michella’s plate but she made it clear that she didn’t like that by shaking her head and retreating into the woman who was holding her.

We made small talk around the table and after Michella reluctantly ate some food that was spoon fed to her she was taken to play with the other kids in the living room. Then the director encouraged the staff to bring Michella back near to us, all the while Andrey and I are saying, “It’s okay, really. It’s fine.” But they did as they were told and Michella ended up spending the rest of the evening, which wasn’t long till we left, with her head buried in another house mama’s bosom – all the while holding our photo. There were several times throughout the evening that someone would ask to look at the photo in her hand or to hold it but Michella wouldn’t allow it. It was hers.

After a short time, she fell asleep. I think the events of this day were a lot to take in and it must have felt exhausting. We were told that just yesterday, a couple from Norway, who had arrived just three days prior, left with their new son. He is the same age as Michella. I can only imagine what must be going on in her mind and heart. She is clearly comfortable and attached at least on some level to many, if not all of the female house mamas. She calls each one of them mama.

My heart breaks for what she is going through. I am just relieved that I didn’t take her avoidance personally. My biggest fear coming into this was that it would rock me emotionally but once I was there it made perfect sense that she would be how she was. I only feel compassion for her and what she must be experiencing. I cringe when I think about her having to experience more loss in order to become part of our family. It’s hard to see a child, any child, go through something knowingly difficult and painful that you are partly responsible for. I could cry for her little broken heart right now. Sweet little Michella.

Tomorrow we’ll be picked up at 10 and taken to the children’s home. We will tour the place and have lunch then will head to the mall to hang out for a while with just Michella and two of her house mommies (one happens to be her social worker, as well). I am hoping to find some kind of a kids’ play place where we can play and begin to interact, even from a distance with some of her secure base still intact.

Adoption Day!!!

Today is the day we will meet our daughter. I can't believe it is here. We just got a call from our social worker who learned from the orphanage that Michella is indeed pronounced "Mi-shell-a." I was quite happy to hear this as we have been calling her that and we have really grown to love it.

Please pray for us.

• That there will not be any problems with travel, especially on the way back .:-) It is possible we will be traveling without any legal documents that explain why this child is with us. We are told it's never been a problem in the past but am hoping that her legal docs arrive this morning before we leave (they are due to arrive). Included is the form that states that we have legal custody of her.
• Pray that Andrey can efficiently wrap up work today before we leave. (We are headed to the airport around noon)
  
• That Michella would sense in her spirit that we are her parents that she's been waiting for and that she can trust us.
  
• That we would have favor with the orphanage staff and be able to get all the information we would like to learn about Michella's background and routine.
• That Andrey and I would have wisdom in all of this! When over the next few days do we take her with us, how to best care for her, how to make her transition as smooth as possible, and just parenting in general! We are newbies!

As you can imagine, we are SO excited!

Thank you for being excited with us on this journey and for your love, support, prayers and encouragement along the way. We are blessed!

(p.s. Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad Haenlein! 37 years!! Now you have to share your anniversary with our adoption day celebrations but I have a feeling you don't mind. We love you!!)

Ch-ch-ch-Changes! (Three days till we Travel)

There are a few changes going on around here. Something has compelled me to go through every drawer and every cabinet and every closet in every room to get rid of stuff, organize and rearrange. Nesting perhaps? Today I felt like the work I've done the past few days represents my last chance to control what I can in the face of a great inevitable uncertainty. My excitement lately has morphed into something that is looking a lot more like a 10-year-old on his first roller coaster ride who after inching to the apex ever so slowly and chit chatting with his friends about how fun it's going to be, gets a look of panic all over his face the moment just before he plunges over the edge.

Here are some scenes from around the house that strongly suggest we will have a new family member very soon...

Michella's room is finally finished! All except for the rocking chair I ordered today. It will be ready next week.

On a side note: I just read (obviously after I bought them) about how those foam mats are made out of toxic chemicals (PVC, phthalates, dioxin...). Anyone heard anything about this? It's the same material most yoga mats are made out of. I'm struggling with what to do. Feels like the beginning of about a million parenting decisions I will be faced with that I have no idea how to handle! Let the guess-work begin!

Love and Attachment

I've been reading like mad these days. Trying to get in as much helpful information as possible. I've called and emailed friends who have adopted. I have a skype date on Saturday with another family who adopted. I want to know how best to make Michella's transition as smooth as possible, how to deal with sleep and food issues, and how to foster attachment.

I am currently re-reading my favorite adoption book, Toddler Adoption by Mary Hopkins-Best, especially the chapters about the transition and attachment. I was reminded of the fact that many adopted toddlers reject one or both parents in the beginning or at least resist their attempts to give love and care. When you think of it, it is understandable, especially with little ones who have experienced several disruptions in their short lives and given the fact that we will be perfect strangers in the beginning. Michella first lost her birth mother, then her foster mother, and she will soon lose those currently caring for her at the small orphanage where she's spent the past eight months. Naturally, it will take some time for her trust. She may resist bonding with us initially as she's afraid of another loss. I knew this but to read about other families who have adopted toddlers who outright rejected (more commonly the mother) one of their new parents, made me realize that I need to prepare myself emotionally for this, should it happen. Of course we don't know if it will but it is better to be prepared and it not happen than to expect that our meeting will be unrealistically dreamy and then be in total shock and dismay when it isn't.

I just know myself. I take things personally often. I'm the one that feels personally offended by the weather! So I am thankful for the "head's up".

I also recognize that it will likely take me some time to grow to love Michella as well. These things are not always instant - even with biological children. So I am bursting my unrealistic bubble about that as well by releasing myself from that expectation to be completely enamored the moment we meet.

As I was praying this morning I realized something. I realized that consistently and faithfully loving and caring for a child even when they continually reject you is such a wonderful picture of LOVE. Not just any love, but Jesus' love, and the love of FatherMother God.

Oh how I rejected God! For years I rejected his love and care as in my brokenness I chose to care for myself. I decided I didn't need him. I had learned to depend on myself in order to protect myself. But oh how he persisted! He never gave up on me. He loved me even when I turned my back and my body became stiff in resistance. Eventually, as I got to know him, I came around. I let him love and care for me. My body relaxed and molded to his body as he held me (I mean this figuratively but also spiritually as I have had spiritual experiences of God holding me like a baby and bonding with me). So when/if Michella doesn't respond to my initial attempts to love and care for her, I will remember that it's not about me. I will not take it personally (although I still might cry about it in my alone time). I will recognize that she is doing what she knows to protect herself and I will empathize with her loss. Who can blame her? I will recognize that there is hurt that in time will be healed. Especially if I persist and continually offer the unconditional love I also received. I will rely on Jesus and His power to enable me to love this little girl in the same way He loves me.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1