Here's to More Progress, Nearly a Month In...

Today was a great Saturday. With Michella interacting with her Daddy nearly all day, today was the first day where I felt like we were a family and not just me and Michella with Andrey on the side.

Michella and Andrey played together just the two of them for a really long time this morning and I was able to get a few things done around the house. This time, it didn't seem to matter if I was around or not. She was so into playing with Andrey that I think she completely forgot about me. She still is not okay with Andrey holding her but given how much sustained interest she is showing in him these days, we believe that is just around the corner. Highlight of the day? This evening she leaned over and tenderly kissed him on the face spontaneously three times, with smiles and eye contact in between each kiss. Precious. So nice to have Daddy home all day!

  

Tonight we went to a place called Tops that overlooks the city before we had dinner. We got going a bit late and didn't get there till after dark but it was worth stopping by and attempting a few family photos despite the black nighttime background just to feel the air. It was quite windy and cool. Definitely the coolest I've felt since being in the U.S. last spring. 

It is safe to say I am falling in love with my daughter. There has been a surge of strong emotions for her over the past few days. We are amazed at the progress so far. It is stark when thinking back to our first week together. Monday is one month since she became our daughter. Here are a few photos from the past few days.

Her favorite kitchen activity while I cook dinner. This time, she stuck her head under the water a few times just for fun. This kid loves anything to do with water. She was soaking wet.

This is her asking me to turn the water back on. "Beee" (please). It didn't take her long after this to figure out how to turn the water on herself.

I added this photo just so you could see the adorable shorts and tee I bought for her in Manila. Oh my goodness she is the cutest thing ever.

  

I just bought a scale for the first time in ages so I can keep track of her growth. While I was getting ready in the bathroom, she donned this headband, picked up my make up bag and got on the scale. Oh my. Too cute.

I already knew our girl loved fried fish. What I didn't know is that she loves eating the fish head, too.

 

We received an unexpected gift in the mail yesterday. In addition to some adorable clothes, there was this beautiful quilt. Michella loved it. Thanks Sheri!

Michella and Andrey's first play time - video

Michella's Breakthrough with Daddy!!!

Something great and unexpected happened last night. Michella had fun playing with her Daddy! We bought a few bouncy rubber balls earlier that day. When Andrey came home I tried to get her to play with him and she was okay with it as long as I was holding her. Then we got the balls out and she just came alive! Who knew this would be the thing that would do the trick? And this morning, there was more of the same - with Michella initiating play with Andrey and even letting him throw her in the air a few times and hold her for a few moments! Yay yay yay!!! I nearly cried!!! Lucky for you I got a bit of it on video. (Well the video is taking forever to load right now and I need to get to bed so I'll settle for the few photos I have and will post that video asap - hopefully tomorrow morning)

And since I started this post, we had an even better night tonight. I am amazed. Michella and her Daddy were having so much fun throwing the balls around that she totally forgot about me! She pointed to the door, indicating to Andrey that she wanted to go outside, so they did and I hung back just to see what would happen. To my surprise, she didn't appear tentative or ever look back. This is HUGE! As she walked out the door with him I realized that this was the first time she'd ever been this far from me physically since we got her (4 weeks tomorrow, by the way). She was having so much fun. The sound of her continuous laughing is the best sound ever. For the first time since we got her, I was the one to clear the dinner table while Andrey played with Michella. When she wanted water to drink, it was Andrey she looked to. He responded and she accepted. We are hoping and praying this is the start of a new norm. Hooray for another breakthrough!! Thank you for praying specifically for this, friends! We believe this is a direct answer to all of your (and our) prayers.

Back in Cebu - This week's progress

We returned from Manila on Friday evening. We've had a full and fun weekend. I sat down to write some of the positive things we've observed over the past week and am amazed at how much there is to report and be thankful for. 

• I exercised for the first time in a month during Michella's nap time today. I've never been so excited to exercise. It felt great and am happy that my month off didn't make me too weak for my Jillian Michaels' workout. I was surprised at how finding time for a 20 minute workout felt like a huge feat, which made it feel that much greater that I accomplished it.

• We've got the grandparents lined up. Andrey's parents booked tickets to come see us end of next month. They'll be here just before American Thanksgiving till just before Christmas. And my Mom booked her ticket to come in February. Yay!

• Michella continues to warm up to Andrey in small ways. She had a few playful interactions with him over the past few days. She has even sought his attention on a few occasions. She'd look at him till he'd look at her. She'd smile, then hide her face in my chest, only to do it again. She seems fine with this as long as it's from a distance. Today at a friend's birthday party she watched Andrey closely as he played with another child around her age. I can't wait till she starts claiming him as her daddy!

• I discovered an activity that occupied Michella for nearly an hour while I cooked dinner tonight. Sounds like such a simple thing but for her to be occupied this long and me completely hands-free was really something special. Thanks to a newsletter we are receiving called Growing Child gifted to us from Andrey's parents, I got the tip that 2-year-olds really enjoy and learn a lot from time spent pouring water and sand (not together). I pulled a chair up to the sink, gave her several different containers, turned the water on to a dribble (and periodically turned it off so as to not waste as much water. I know I'm a water-waster but dinner-making without a 2-year-old on my hip is necessary for our survival as a family and my sanity), and let her at it. She had a blast!

• We attended two birthday parties for friends' kids this weekend and after taking some time to warm up, and as long as there weren't any adults trying to interact with her, Michella played with (or next to) some of the other kids and had fun.

• Andrey and I watched a TV show together in bed after Ella went to sleep the other night for the first time. Flight of the Concords. Laughed out loud. This felt significant to get to hang out with Andrey, enjoy something together and laugh. Feels like a little bit of normal life (our new normal) is setting in.

• Michella and I have seen a real improvement in the sleep department. She has had regular nap times and bed times (I hold her against her will till she falls asleep, which she always does). At night we have gone from screaming fits, to wimpering, to fake crying - to three nights in a row with none of the above, just a little playfulness to try to distract mommy from the bed time routine, which is really, really cute and difficult to ignore. I usually give in for a few short bits of giggling (as she tries to tickle me and put her fingers up my nose to get me to laugh) before I close my eyes and act like I'm sleeping. Eventually she gives up and goes right to sleep. We still have a few wake up times in the night but I'm getting used to that and now know how to handle them without it being too stressful for either of us. Hallelujah!

• Both Andrey and I have noticed an increase in Michella's overall level of happiness.

• Michella's cold (snot river) is finally gone!

• Almost all lice are gone - I sacrificed mommy-time (nap time) for a few days and spent the time manually picking nits out of her hair. She certainly wouldn't allow this during any waking hour. That, combined with a few vinegar washes, tea tree oil in our shampoo, conditioner and combing with a substandard comb seem to be doing something. I'm not sure which one thing is effective or if it's a combination of things. Now I have to look for a while to find nits in her hair and I still can't find any in mine.

• Ella used her big girl chair a few times for eating. It was so nice for me to get to see her face while she eats and is a welcome break from the usual. She's still sitting on my lap for most meals but is willing to use this chair usually about once a day for either a meal or a snack. It's more fun interacting with her this way while she's eating and it's better for eye contact but I don't mind her sitting on my lap till she gets more comfortable with eating this way. 

• Our helper brought her five-year-old son to work one day last week and Ella smiled and played with him a little bit. This is the first time we've seen her warm up to anyone else besides me or the cats.

• Ella continues to talk more, especially to me and she is beginning to talk to me even with Andrey in the room, whereas she used to never say a word if he was near. I learned that when she says "Bee" she means, "Please." And when she says "two," she means "thank you." I've also noticed her counting one-two-three sometimes. Although she skips one and says "do...free"

• Ella loves to travel! She did not seem anxious at all about getting on an airplane to and from Manila. During any and all taxi rides she's sits up straight and observes whatever she can and looks on with curiosity. She particularly likes men on motorbikes although we have no idea why. She has smiled and waived at a few in traffic. Andrey feels slighted when this happens. :-(

• Ella appears to be really comfortable in her home. Coming back from Manila it was great to see her obvious joy in being back at home. She often says, "Yay!" when we arrive home or when we go into a room she likes. 

• One funny thing is that Ella loves to go to the public restroom and usually always converts from a shy and silent girl on my hip to an energetic girl as soon as we go into the stall together and I close the door. She says "Yay!" and proceeds with smiles and unintelligible chatter. She loves pushing the button or pulling the lever to flush if she can and really gets a kick out of watching the water (and other stuff) go down the toilet. It is likely she did not have automatic flush toilets at the children's home but a bucket of water for flushing. Not as fun, I guess. I think because it is an enclosed space with just me she knows she can be herself. I figure this is the 'self' that must be waiting to burst out but isn't comfortable while we are in a public place, and that's why it bubbles forth so quickly while in the CR with just Mommy.

• In our three+ weeks together, we've discovered some of the foods Ella enjoys (favorites in caps): So far... RICE, bread, oatmeal, corn flakes, WHOLE WHEAT CRACKERS, soba noodles, spaghetti, pineapple, apples, mangoes, BANANAS, papaya, pumpkin (sometimes), malunggay (local green leafy veg), MILK, mango yogurt, any cured pork product, CHICKEN, fried FISH, eggs, tofu, miso soup, any kind of soup broth, CASHEWS, chili (she especially enjoyed the kidney beans and black beans), and anything with chocolate. She is so fun to watch eat! I hope to slowly increase her repertoire of acceptable vegetables, which is the food group she is the least interested in. Exposure exposure exposure is my tactic. She rejected carrots three times before she ate them and seemed to enjoy?tolerate? them tonight. :-)

So here are some of the best photos I have from the past week. And a video. I just think our daughter is the cutest thing ever! I can say that because I can't take any credit for her good looks. ;-)

With a pair of Daddy's underwear

Singing

Checking out Manila

This girl LOVES any and all electronics - cell phones, remotes, ipod, camera...

With the air con remote and her new friend, Percy the Penguin

With Mommy's cell phone, and notice our matching bracelets, made for us by a co-worker of Andrey

On the move... I got so many photos that day because I thought she looked so adorable in this dress. It has apples on it.

Busy girl - on the phone and taking care of "baby"

Showing me her "baby"

She loves to climb our stairs and no she doesn't want any help! There is something about that look in her eye that tells me I need to keep an eye on her.

Hopefully soon we'll have some photos of her with her Daddy!

Manila Trip - Citizenship Paperwork Filed

We had our appointment yesterday at the U.S. Embassy and it went really well. Yay! Now her citizenship/visa paperwork is filed and the outcome looks very favorable. We also met with our social worker and she was so excited to meet Michella. She even teared up telling me about when she first saw her photo and saw how beautiful she is. We scheduled our post-placement home studies tentatively for November, January and end Feb/early March. We are required to have three in the six months following placement. Once we complete this, we will get the final papers from the adoption board that will allow us to finalize her adoption in the U.S.

We will finalize in Alabama where my parents live. We learned recently that we will have to go through a bit of a home study process there as well. Not sure how long we'll have to be there but we are making early April the target for travel to the U.S. We should have her visa ready to go early next year. It will be so great if we can be at the annual prayer gathering of the organization Andrey works for. This is a highlight for us each year. We are super excited that it is looking likely that we will be able to go. Andrey has to be in DC in early April regardless so of course it is ideal if Ella and I can join.

We have been enjoying Manila. Ella and I have been hanging out a lot while Andrey works. She continues to appear more and more comfortable with life in general, especially with me. She continues to move in the direction of warming up to Andrey. Our social worker said that it was the same with other families she's worked with and it took about 3 or so months for the child to attach to their daddy. We can deal with that.

Ella and I did a little shopping yesterday and I was so excited to find a Gap. I bought her her first pair of jeans and a really cute 3/4 length sleeve top. I figure we'll need at least one outfit she can wear to arrive in the US in the spring time. And then I found this adorable little shop called Gingersnaps. I did not prepare myself for the strong desire to buy stuff for her! I have done very little shopping for Ella so far - only 2 pair of short and 2 t-shirts - so I decided to get her a few things. Mainly a few casual shorts and t-shirts for day outings. These will be some nice hand-me-downs for Ella's cousin Annika someday. Even though she is tall for her age, the 2T stuff I've bought is too big! Even the 24 months shirts I bought are a little big. The jeans I bought were sized 18-24 months and they are really big. I love how clothes for this age come with adjustable waists so she can wear stuff big and grow into them. These jeans should last for years given how baggy and long they are on her. She's tall but very petite. I hope to fatten her up a little. ;-)

We are heading back to Cebu this afternoon. Gotta get going. It's time for lunch.

Into our Third Week Together...

The lice fight rages on! I can tell you that most treatment advice on the web does not factor in a 2-year-old! "Cover hair with such-n-such , leave on for x number of hours, comb through hair with a nit comb 1 inch at a time, be thorough, even if it takes hours." Hours?? I can barely get her to sit still for 10 seconds! Ha ha! We're doing our best. Today it was vinegar wash and combing. I got further than I thought. Oh the joy! I bought a good nit comb today off of ebay. Only 13-23 days till it's here! That will be my back up plan if all this other stuff doesn't work. The only comb I can find here is not fine enough to get the nits out. Ugh. Lice sucks. Or shall I say louse sucks. Lice suck. That's more correct.

We're going to Manila tomorrow morning till Friday. We will file Michella's visa and citizenship paperwork at the U.S. Embassy. That will only actually take 1/2 a day but Andrey has a couple days of work to get done in Manila so we are combining the two. Works out great since he would be in a hotel for a few nights and it's no extra cost for the two of us to join him. Then we spend less time apart. It's a win-win.

Tonight's post will be short so I can get some zzz's before our early morning departure. Not too much to share except that Michella continues to warm up to her surroundings and new family. She even seems more and more tolerable of her daddy's hugs and kisses. He hasn't been holding back his affection for her as much, often embracing her and kissing her while she's in my arms and even a few times when she's not. He even picked her up for a few seconds to hug her before he left for work yesterday afternoon and she didn't protest! But when he came home a few hours later and did the same thing, she really cried. I am always right next to her when he does this so she can quickly come into my arms.

She has done more playing near Andrey and has even opened up enough around him so he's been able to observe some of her playfulness and laughter up close. This evening after he tried to initiate play with her (during which she had flat affect), she gave a quick little laugh in his direction as he was walking away. Today when she and I were playing alone together she picked up a photo of me and Andrey, pointed to Andrey and looked at me so I said, "That's Daddy!" Then she kissed his face on the photo. When he leaves for work she looks concerned. It must be so scary for her to try to open up to another adult. It is ever so slight and subtle but we are calling it progress nonetheless.

We are continually praying for wisdom as to how to best go about fostering her relationship with her father. We want to be patient and let her initiate it when she's ready yet we are aware that she may not get there without a little help/challenge. It's a tough balance to strike.

Oh yeah, so yes, Andrey went back to work this week. Well, sort-of. He was off for two weeks and started back part-time the past two days going into the office only in the afternoons. I fully expected that he'd be back full-time as of yesterday so his decision to take as many half days off as possible over the next few weeks is much appreciated and welcomed. What a guy. I had freaked out about these days well before we ever heard of Michella and wondered (panicked) at the thought of being on my own with a child I was just getting to know, but you know, it hasn't been too bad! To be honest, in some ways it's a bit helpful to have him out of the house for short times as Michella is much less clingy to me and will really explore her environment (and my arms get a break). That means I am able to get a few things done and even cook without having to put her on the counter right next to me. Speaking of that, can't do that anymore. She really got into playing with something on the counter the other night while I was cooking and fell off. Poor thing. She really wailed but she was fine. She's a tough cookie.

I feel like I am getting the hang of this a bit. We are developing a routine and I'm getting used to it, too. We are feeling like we are ready for more social interactions so we'll be having more playdates soon and a few outings with friends. Had a swimming date planned for this morning but it fell through due to the weather. We went to Sunday worship for the first time this past weekend and it went really well - better than I expected. She spent a lot of time looking around and taking it all in. She only had to bury her head into me afterward when a swarm of people suddenly made her the center of attention. I don't blame her, nor them. But even that she handled better than expected, lifting her head occasionally to watch some of the kids around us.

This girl is amazing!!

We are currently thinking about the middle name we will give her. Michella ________ Sawchenko. We are beginning to call her by her nickname sometimes; Ella. We are liking the sound of it so far but I don't want to stop calling her Michella either so I will continue to use both for now. I have grown to love that name. I've never met another Michella. That name is special. 

Tonight I feel joy and and a sense of satisfaction. This is what I dreamed of for so long. Here I am. Doing it. I was so stunned in the first weeks home that I couldn't say it then but I think I'm ready to say now that I'm enjoying this being-a-mommy thing. I love her. She is worth all the hard work. 

I have a few photos and short video on our camera from the past few days that I'll upload if I get time in the next few days. So this is it for now. Good night.

Two Weeks Home

It's been two weeks since we've been home with Michella. It's amazing to look back at where we started and compare it to where we are now. Today was the first time I thought to myself, "I love being a mom." I was making champorado for Michella's afternoon snack and she was sitting on the counter next to me making funny faces and cracking me up. I just felt joy in making her a special treat I knew she'd love. I got more kisses today and my first high-five. 

Contrast this to Andrey's experience. Man, it is slow-going. I feel for him that she is a completely different person when he is around. Sometimes it's as stark as her suddenly making funny faces to me as soon as her back is to him. Turn her right around and she gives him the stink-eye. So not fair. We are choosing to focus on the tiny bits of progress in this area, however. In her better moments, he can get quite close to her and she reacts less negatively. He's been persistent in kissing her head or cheek when I am holding her. She is tolerating this now. I've even left her with him a few times for about a minute or two and there has been less crying but still head down and no willing interaction whatsoever. He still hasn't yet had the joy of holding her. This makes me ache for him. How long, I wonder!?

She has continued to become more vocal, even with Andrey in the same room. And I think she likes music and possibly singing as she's been doing a bit of that lately and moves to the rhythm of music that is playing sometimes. It's extremely cute. 

It's way too early to tell but sleep has improved in the past day and a half (thank you Jesus!). Two nights ago I hit a major low point when she had me up till 5 in the morning after the three or more nights previous were very restless and short as well. I was at the end of my rope because the only thing that kept her from having a tantrum was me holding her while I was standing. I'd get her to sleep and gingerly extract her, only for her to sleep lightly or wake appearing anxious or scared and every time she woke and found that I was no longer holding her, she lashed out in anger until I would pick her up. If I stayed lying down and pulled her to rest on top of me, it was no good. If I stayed in bed holding her while leaning on pillows, it was no good. If I sat up and physically supported her body it was okay but as soon as I put a pillow under her so my arms could rest, she'd lash out. All I could do was get up and hold her. 

On the fourth night of this I did all I could. I held her till my arms and back were exhausted and when she still wouldn't let me put her down to sleep I lost it. I started crying and praying, "Help me Lord. Help me Lord. Help me Lord!" My whimper turned into an all out sob from shear exhaustion. It woke Andrey up and he supported me and prayed for me. It was clear that I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. We decided that I would find a position I could stay in and let her figure it out. She protested, kicking and crying and eventually screaming. I just held onto her (I had to because she would literally throw herself off the bed if I didn't) and told her, "Mommy's here. Daddy's here. We're not going to leave you. We will be with you all night. I know that you are mad but you need to sleep. It's okay if you are angry. It's okay if you are sad. It's okay if you cry. We love you." I just kept repeating this and found strength from Andrey who stayed awake with me and stayed next to me till she eventually gave up and fell asleep. 

Although it was really, really hard, I think letting her get those feelings out was very helpful. I really believe that the latest sleep issues are indicative of her grief and setting that boundary helped her to face her feelings and express them. Since then, I have done the same thing last night, during nap time today and bed time tonight and each time, she slept great! She napped for two hours today without being on me for the first time in a week. Wahoo! No obvious anxiety or disturbing dreams. And each time, she cries and fights me for less and less time. She was much happier all day today. 

Michella still has this cold and slight cough but at least there is no more fever. It was pretty high for a couple of days last week but is gone now.  I'll be so glad when this running nose gets better! We call it the snot river. We took her for a check up the other day and we both really like our pediatrician.

Well that's enough update for tonight. Here are photos from the past two days. 

My temporary solution to the teeth-brushing issue. Let her do it herself. She's not half-bad actually and is clearly quite proud of herself! The other day I let her brush my teeth then I said, "mommy's turn" and she let me brush her for about 3 seconds before cutting me off. This was progress. We pick our battles and this is definitely one to tackle later.

I really like these diaper covers. Thirsties. I'm getting better at diaper changes. As others have advised me - distraction is key and it usually works. I've just had to get better about doing it while she is in the middle of playing with something. Oh the new skills I am developing!

We went swimming today for the first time today and Michella LOVED it! We were so pleased. She is doing some kicking here. Andrey got some great video as well.

I started getting her to jump to mommy from our kitchen counter or our bedroom dresser a few times, which she loves, so of course it works in the pool, too.

Andrey demonstrated how to blow bubbles in the water and she just went for it and had fun.

Beautiful girl

She is becoming more comfortable with the camera and has started posing without any prompting from me. Here she is enjoying her favorite snack - whole wheat crackers plus a little something I introduced to her: Nutella. This girl loves chocolate. She is such a ham!

I love this picture. She is so cute I could just eat her up! Check out her half mustache.

Grace and Redemption - A Great Day

I am happy to report that today was a much better day. If it weren't for Andrey talking me through a few of those rough spots and for all of your prayers, I think I would go crazy. That was a scary feeling.
I realize now,

• I had prepared myself for being rejected by my child but didn't prepare myself for being the primary caregiver and how demanding it is. Naturally, it is taking me a bit of time to step into this new role. I didn't realize how much I'd have to give up to do it well. I'm willing of course, and this little one is well worth it - there was just a big part of me that had a hard time accepting this new reality.
• Just because something works a few times doesn't mean it is going to work again. I now know I must have very loosely-held, low expectations each day. The past few days were hard partly because I just couldn't understand why what I had done before wasn't working and I was ill prepared for handling things when they didn't go as planned (nor the strong emotions that accompanied them), but the mistakes and failings in how I handled these challenges served to break me down enough to allow me to start fresh today with new insight.
• I had temporarily lost sight of what must be going on in Michella's heart and mind. I feel renewed in my ability to remain empathetic toward her and care for her in the way she needs right now.

We had a really rough night last night. We didn't really get to sleep in earnest till 3 am. Thankfully, we slept till 7:30 together. I'd say we both did pretty great today considering our short night. Here is much of the day in photos.

Morning play time. I was surprised that she didn't mind me snapping a few photogs.

Michella loves the cats and is constantly attracted to them throughout the day. Here she is reaching for Gerald's tail, only to pull her hand back each time as soon as she touches it while giggling with delight. This is a daily occurrence now.

I love this photo. I also love the dimple on her right cheek I discovered when she started laughing. She can be quite silly and we do a lot of laughing together every day. She cracks me up!

Michella has become quite verbal over the past few days, with me anyway. In our play times together I have heard her say, hello, bye-bye, init (hot), indi (no), baby, and dada? (She has said this a few times when pointing to a photo of Andrey.) I read a bit about normal developmental milestones in the 2-year-old. She seems to be on target in her gross and fine motor skills but is clearly behind in language, although it is too early to tell what is just due to the major transition she is experiencing. Besides, there have been changes in languages with each caregiver she's had so it is understandable that she would be a little behind in this department. We are confident in time she will catch-up. Her progress so far (at least with me), is already more than we expected.

A little impromptu post-breakfast naptime. We love how her belly looks so big in this photo and how she is resting her arm on it. She eats a lot.

This is not a great photo but I posted it because of the look on Michella's face as she is laughing here.

Michella and I went outside to walk and play and she was in a very energetic, playful mood (although not wanting to be put down to walk or run like she did yesterday when she chased me and ran for a while and loved it). Michella (not knowing Andrey was there taking photos) kissed me for the first time! How wonderful! She first kissed my cheek, then when I turned to her looking very happy she kissed me twice on the lips. That was when we both noticed Andrey with the camera so she quickly withdrew.

If Andrey is not near, Michella is okay with hanging out on the counter while I cook. Her head is down because I picked up the camera. Here she is playing with the salt shaker, which up until this point had been only shaken for fun but not opened. She put some salt on her hand and then licked it and looked at me with an unsure look on her face about what she was tasting then would quickly start to laugh a loud, "Ha! Ha!" with her mouth wide open before doing it again. Don't worry, I stopped her as soon as she poured about 1/2 tsp in her water and started drinking it. She thought that was hilarious, too. Probably just because she was getting a reaction out of me.

Just as Andrey was finishing dinner for me because Michella was done with sitting on the counter, I held her and swayed to a Ron Sexsmith song called "Never Give up." The words were so appropriate that it brought me to tears as I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It was a mixture of relief for the redemption and grace I had experienced today after the mistakes and failings of yesterday and a welling up of a love that seems to have grown a bit plumper for this little girl. As I sang the words of this song I was making a commitment.

Never give up on you

The world may try to break us in two

I'd never give up on you, darlin'

Whatever I do

A New Kind of Tired

Before I get into this can I just say again how wonderfully life-giving your comments have been to me since we got Michella? The comments have continued and I pour over every word. I'm sorry I can't respond to each one of them like I'd like to so please accept this: I am so grateful. THANK YOU!

The past two days have been challenging. The great part is that Michella continues to smile and laugh easily and seems to really enjoy playing and being silly, with her Mom. When it is just the two of us, she seems completely at ease and her personality comes alive (oh she is a wild one!). When Andrey is in the same area but not not very close, she can still play but is more inhibited. When Andrey is next to her, she either pretends to be asleep or buries her head in my chest or looks down and starts picking her fingernails. She did however, let Andrey kiss her on the head and rub her back today while I was holding her close with out protesting!

The challenging part is that this practically makes me a single parent. I am carrying or holding her or she is sitting on my lap 90% of the time. Add to that the fact that she refuses to nap during the day and every diaper change, clothes change, and bath time is met with strong resistance, makes for one tired mama with a sore back hanging on a thin thread of patience. Today I begged her in my mind to just sleep for 30 minutes. Just 30 minutes. An hour? Dreamy, but I'd take 30 minutes. And that was after I spent over an hour with her in the sling walking outside and then walking inside the house in circles while singing trying to settle her. She did fall asleep but when I laid her down she perked right up. Nuts! I really believe that the nap is God's grace to parents. I just feel like I need a short break. Just one in the day would do wonders for my attitude.


Tonight, shortly before her bedtime I took Michella into the bedroom to have some time in the rocking chair to get settled down. After I finally got her changed (I have to be creative!), she was climbing off the walls (i.e. me). A walk outside in the carrier helped for as long as we were walking outside. As soon as we got back to the room and it was just the two of us, she was ready for action! I felt so frustrated I just let her play in the room while I watched. I thought to myself, 'If I wasn't so tired right now I'd only be thinking about how cute she is when she's so playful'. I knew she was tired but there was nothing I could do! And then I thought, 'A ha!' I brought her out to the living room and we sat right next to Andrey. She rested her head on the shoulder of mine farthest from Andrey and was asleep within 5 minutes. I knew she was tired!

I realize now that she and I need a bit more time just the two of us so she can get our her energy during the day and we can continue to have special bonding times together when she doesn't feel hindered. In addition, we are going to try to do a few outings this week, like take her to a play zone at the mall where a parent is allowed in with the child. Or we may go swimming just the three of us. We may buy a small ride on toy for her to play on outside. With guests so far, even with other kids, Michella hasn't played or been willing to interact so we're not sure how play in a public place with go but we feel compelled to try to give her some more outlets to be active in the daytime. I'm just aware that it is possible that the only time she is willing to be active is when we are alone. That could be tough but we are going to give it a try this week before I declare that this is how it is. When it's nap time or bed time, I now know the key is to stay close to Andrey, as terrible as that sounds, it worked so well tonight!

Thank God her sleep at night has been better the past two nights. It wasn't going well at all for a while there but after some focused prayer time to deal with her apparent fear of going to sleep (I sense that as she's become more attached to me, she's become very afraid that I will leave her like other female caregivers have, perhaps she was handed over when she was asleep?). This has made all the difference! We did some healing prayer that we learned through our church community (based on teachings and a book by Frank and Catherine Fabiano, Healing your Past, Releasing your Future.) Since we prayed about the roots of her fear, she has been sleeping well at night. She does wake a bit unsettled a few times but I am always right beside her to speak the truth to her that we are not going to leave her and that she doesn't have to be afraid. We are no longer using the mattress on the floor, she is in our bed on my side. We feel that her felt secure and our building trust takes priority over getting her to sleep on her own for now. And it helps me sleep better as I don't have to keep moving down to the mattress to rocker her back to sleep or lay down with her on my chest till she falls asleep only to move back to the bed and then do it all over again (or at least that's how it was when she wasn't sleep well).

Sweet Andrey, he wants to help and give me a break during the day but he can't. Mind you he is doing just about everything else around here that needs to be done like defrosting the refrigerator, washing dishes, waiting on me hand and foot for anything that requires more than one hand, putting groceries away and getting a huge pile of paperwork completed for the US government side of the adoption - plus he had to do a bit of work work each day. (What am I gonna do when he goes back to work on Monday!??) He has spent numerous hours over the past week getting stuff together for our US government paperwork (Michella's visa and citizenship) and I am so thankful because I just feel overwhelmed when I think about it.

Lately I am feeling at a loss in terms of knowing what is the best thing for Michella in these days of transition. Go out? Stay in? Have guests over? Play dates? We are getting a bit tired of staying in the house and we really miss socializing with our friends. I have felt really home sick for family and our close friends in the West this past week. This is a big adjustment in so many ways. I just need wisdom on how to navigate it and to do what's best for Michella and our family - even if it's difficult or unpopular. But I'm clueless. I usually have a sense or instinct about what's right but I'm at a loss these days. I read a lot to prepare before we got Michella but working it out in practical ways is another story.

Well I know this post is a bit all over the place. Sorry about that. Just needed to process and vent a little. Thanks for reading. Good night.

p.s. I forgot to mention. I'm pretty sure we have lice. We, that's Michella and me. If so, it's a mild case but treatment starts tomorrow. How I will get this 2 year old to let me leave conditioner in her hair for 15 minutes and then carefully comb through it three times over the next 9 days is beyond me!

Michella in Action

We have resorted to trickery to get photos and videos of Michella in action. It is not easy. This girl is quick!

Michella is holding a cell phone up to my ear. Andrey is hiding in the other room, holding the camera just past the doorway.

Michella sees the red light on the camera and quickly clues in to what is happening here. Busted!

 

We did however get lucky with this one. Andrey set up the camera on video and then hid behind the couch. Score!

Day 10 - Getting to Know our Girl (Sorry no photos this time)

Since I wrote last and after Michella's breakthrough on Friday I expected to have some setbacks. I was feeling ready for that and in a pretty good head space for it, thanks to being able to share and process my struggles here and getting so many encouraging comments and advice in return. Thank you!

Well, it's only been two days but it seems that instead of Michella pulling back out of fear, she has thrown caution to the wind and has grown increasingly more comfortable with me and our home. Michella and I now have several play times each day that include many smiles and much laughter from both of us. She gave Andrey smiles and waved from a distance both days as well (this may not seem like much but it is much more than before!). He's even been able to come close a few times (depends on her mood) and rub her back and tell her he loves her and kiss her on the head without her protesting or even stiffening her body. For portions of our playtime, she walked and ran around the house, leading me or being chased by me. She is beginning to play near me, as opposed to while on me. This is a welcome break for my back. She continues to initiate play with me and is clearly beginning to feel secure in our home enough to explore. The best part? We are beginning to see a bit of her personality.

This girl is wild! I was so tired just trying to keep up with her today! Comparing today with our first days together is like night and day. What happened to the calm girl that just rested in my arms all the time? I noticed today that she is quite funny, very energetic, and tough! Today she played peek-a-boo with me with a hairbrush and accidentally knocked herself in the nose pretty hard. I thought for sure she'd cry but she just cracked up laughing about it. She has started to test me and my boundaries. I see this as a positive sign.

Another thing is her resisting my usual care - diaper changes, bath time, nap time, eating, hand/face wiping after meals... Before yesterday she hadn't protested any of this before, now I have to resort to gimmicks to get her to cooperate (normal 2-year-old stuff, right?). Part of this I know has been due to her being tired from not getting great sleep the past few nights (will have have to discuss the sleep issues in another post) so her mood can deteriorate very quickly. But despite this, I am happy to say I've been successful in most important things and the rest, well, if it's not super necessary, I just let it go.

It's getting late and the little one is actually sleeping well right now so I'd better take advantage and get some sleep. I'd just like to leave you with a few random thoughts:

• I realized today that I used to care more about my appearance. Now I don't even have time to think about how I look. Yesterday I didn't get to shower till 4 pm.
• I am starting to love this little girl! And there is much room for growth.
• I still can't believe I'm a mommy. I'm finally part of the club!
• Andrey and I had a really, really good 8 years of just the two of us. Those days are gone forever! (This is not a complaint, just an observation)
• Yesterday Michella ate 1/2 cup mango yogurt, 1/2 of a mango, a banana, and a huge slice of papaya during snack time. Who is this kid? I love it when she eats and enjoys healthy food; makes me so happy.
• Michella is really, really cute - even when she's mad. I couldn't help but laugh today when she rejected every single thing I had prepared for her to eat for lunch (not usual), all because I tried to help her peel her banana. She nearly threw a fit (she was REALLY tired today). Hilarious. When she threw a piece of mango I handed her across the kitchen I had to take her to our room for a little time to calm down cuddling with mommy before she got her "second chance lunch," which she proceeded to eat a huge amount of. Good fun. 
• I am working on getting Michella warmed up to the camera so we can get some photos of her in action.
• My husband is amazing.
• Our friends and family are the best.
• Good night!