I ran into another extremely nosy and tactless lady at the market yesterday. Opposed to my last nosy lady interaction, I responded so much better this time. I think it was a bit easier to handle the barrage of questions about me and Ella because they were directed at the lady I was buying mangoes from. This woman was verbally processing all the questions she had about us and wanted to start a conversation with the seller about us, perhaps assuming we didn't understand a word she was saying. But I did understand. And the seller, whom I've bought from before, knew I understood, so she was noticeably uncomfortable with this woman's gossipy chatter.
I was thankful that the seller kept quiet and let me handle it. So as the lady tried to discuss how clearly American I was and how clearly Filipino my daughter was and wondered aloud where my daughter's "real" mama was, I acted as if I didn't understand but gave knowing glances to the mango seller. I ignored the nosy woman, but as she continued I began talking to the mango seller in Cebuano and the woman could then see that I understood. You'd think this would cause her to feel a little embarrassed for talking about us so openly where we could hear but no, she just went on as if her curiosity and questioning was perfectly acceptable. She then directed her questions at Ella. Hello baby! Where is your mommy? You speak Cebuano right? At this point I was really annoyed and so thankful that Ella did not understand what she was saying because she said it in Cebuano. I then employed a local expression that people here use to say I don't want to talk about it in a light-hearted way. I looked at the woman and said, "Secret!" with a smirky smile. The woman sort of laughed it off and I left... without giving ANY information and with my daughter's privacy and dignity intact. It felt so good.
I guess I should be ready for the scenario when Ella is asked Where is your mommy? question in English. She would probably just look at the person like they were stupid because clearly her mommy is right here. I really, really hate that question.
I am finding a variety of ways to respond to strangers' questions. I recently decided that when someone asks about me and my daughter and they aren't initially really offensive or annoying, and if I'm in the mood, I would take it as an opportunity to educate the person on international adoption. I tried this last week when I had a conversation with a less nosy woman at our local running track.
On a quick side note. This woman asked if the child in the stroller I was pushing was my daughter. Then she asked, Can she walk? I find this so funny and just tells of the fact that strollers are not commonly used around here. In the mall, yes. But not at the running track I guess. I find it so amusing that her first thought was to wonder if my child was disabled.
Anyway, instead of even letting the conversation move to her asking how it is that me and my daughter don't look alike, I went right ahead and told her that we adopted our daughter and that there are many families around the world who adopt children from the Philippines. I told her that we waited for three years to get her because we wanted her so bad and that she was chosen for us and how wonderfully happy we are now that we have her. And then I directed the conversation elsewhere.
I often get this response from strangers who learn a little about our story - Oh she is so lucky! To this I make a point to say something like, Oh thanks, but we are the ones who are lucky. She is such an amazing girl and we love her so much. She is not a charity case and I don't want her to ever think that we adopted her simply out of "the kindness of our heart". What strangers don't consider is that we needed her as much as she needed us. What they don't know about is the ache in my heart I carried for years and years as we waited for her.
It feels very good to be learning how to take control of these interactions and protect my daughter in the process. I want our discussions about our story and adoption to be on my terms and when I choose to share, I want the conversation to be very positive and natural. At some point when Ella gets older I may have to direct the questions to her and let her decide if she wants to share or not. We will have to work as a team to deal with inevitable interactions like these.
I was thankful that the seller kept quiet and let me handle it. So as the lady tried to discuss how clearly American I was and how clearly Filipino my daughter was and wondered aloud where my daughter's "real" mama was, I acted as if I didn't understand but gave knowing glances to the mango seller. I ignored the nosy woman, but as she continued I began talking to the mango seller in Cebuano and the woman could then see that I understood. You'd think this would cause her to feel a little embarrassed for talking about us so openly where we could hear but no, she just went on as if her curiosity and questioning was perfectly acceptable. She then directed her questions at Ella. Hello baby! Where is your mommy? You speak Cebuano right? At this point I was really annoyed and so thankful that Ella did not understand what she was saying because she said it in Cebuano. I then employed a local expression that people here use to say I don't want to talk about it in a light-hearted way. I looked at the woman and said, "Secret!" with a smirky smile. The woman sort of laughed it off and I left... without giving ANY information and with my daughter's privacy and dignity intact. It felt so good.
I guess I should be ready for the scenario when Ella is asked Where is your mommy? question in English. She would probably just look at the person like they were stupid because clearly her mommy is right here. I really, really hate that question.
I am finding a variety of ways to respond to strangers' questions. I recently decided that when someone asks about me and my daughter and they aren't initially really offensive or annoying, and if I'm in the mood, I would take it as an opportunity to educate the person on international adoption. I tried this last week when I had a conversation with a less nosy woman at our local running track.
On a quick side note. This woman asked if the child in the stroller I was pushing was my daughter. Then she asked, Can she walk? I find this so funny and just tells of the fact that strollers are not commonly used around here. In the mall, yes. But not at the running track I guess. I find it so amusing that her first thought was to wonder if my child was disabled.
Anyway, instead of even letting the conversation move to her asking how it is that me and my daughter don't look alike, I went right ahead and told her that we adopted our daughter and that there are many families around the world who adopt children from the Philippines. I told her that we waited for three years to get her because we wanted her so bad and that she was chosen for us and how wonderfully happy we are now that we have her. And then I directed the conversation elsewhere.
I often get this response from strangers who learn a little about our story - Oh she is so lucky! To this I make a point to say something like, Oh thanks, but we are the ones who are lucky. She is such an amazing girl and we love her so much. She is not a charity case and I don't want her to ever think that we adopted her simply out of "the kindness of our heart". What strangers don't consider is that we needed her as much as she needed us. What they don't know about is the ache in my heart I carried for years and years as we waited for her.
It feels very good to be learning how to take control of these interactions and protect my daughter in the process. I want our discussions about our story and adoption to be on my terms and when I choose to share, I want the conversation to be very positive and natural. At some point when Ella gets older I may have to direct the questions to her and let her decide if she wants to share or not. We will have to work as a team to deal with inevitable interactions like these.
3 comments:
Great job Mama Jen!!
Well done!!!
Nicely done, Jen! You are a wonderful mom for Ella!
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