Ana Mae Update

I met Ana Mae's oncologist today and learned the details of her disease and prognosis.

Ana Mae has Stage 4B nasopharyngeal cancer. This is one stage short of 4C, which is end-stage. The cancer has spread to a very small part of her brain and also to the lymph nodes in her neck.

According to the oncologist there is a 20% chance of cure, and a 50% chance that the treatment will be effective enough to relieve or lessen the disease without curing it.

She needs a miracle.

Ana Mae began 3D (a newer and better form) radiation therapy last Thursday and has completed the first three of 33 total treatments. She was due to start chemotherapy tomorrow but her hemoglobin and hematocrit were so low that she needs blood transfusion first.  She is all set up to receive two bags of blood tomorrow and will start the chemo next week instead.

Between Compassion and what I was able to raise, we have only enough to get her 2 of 7 chemo treatments and maybe another 7 radiation treatments. The family has been to several local organizations for help, including the Mayor and Governor, and has received promise of some money but are told they can't get it for another month or longer.  Other organizations told them to come back after she's completed half her treatment. We are praying the money will come through by the time it is needed (sometime next week).

Thanks to all who have donated so far.  I was able to give 40,000 pesos (~$950 USD) toward her treatment today.

More is needed.  If you would still like to donate, just hit the donate button on the widget on the right side of this page.  I can assure you that 100% of your donation will go toward her treatment.  Any fees charged by Paypal for receiving donations on my blog will be otherwise covered.

We are doing all we know to do. Please pray with us for complete healing and for provision. I know that God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask for or imagine.

Please Help a Teen with Cancer

Friends,

I rarely do this, but please take a look at the fundraising widget I just posted on the right side of this blog. There's a girl we know here who is in desperate need of cancer treatment and I'm trying to help the family raise the money needed to get her started on radiation therapy as soon as possible.  She is 17 years old and was just diagnosed with nasopharyngeal cancer.

We are also looking for funds from local organizations but since her tumor is rapidly growing, we have a bit of time pressure. That's why I'm going to you at the same time we are looking for help locally.  Plus, it is unlikely we'll be able to get the entire amount donated locally and will need to supplement it with funds from abroad. 

When I had cancer at age 19, it was hard enough to go through diagnosis and treatment but at least my family had insurance that paid for nearly 100% of the medical care I received.  My remission was not dependent on us affording good care.  It saddens me that in addition to being faced with a life-threatening disease such as cancer, this family has the added burden of having to find money for the treatment needed to save her life.

Because she is a Compassion-sponsored child, Compassion was able to provide nearly $1,000 USD and that will go toward 7 weeks of chemotherapy.  The radiation therapy is expected to cost $3,000 USD.

Here's a photo of her I took yesterday. We were able to help her get the CT scan and some meds she needed in order to prepare for treatment.

Please pray for her and her family and donate if you can. Thank you SO much. ~ Jen

What's up these days

Andrey is delayed at the airport in Manila, Ella is asleep and after catching up on a few of my favorite blogs, I suddenly feel inspired to blog tonight.  I don't seem to have as much computer time as I did back when Ella was still napping.  Since I haven't been able get the detailed, in-depth posts I'd like to write accomplished, I will settle for a random and general update.

I feel busy.  Busier than I've been since I became a mom.  I am spending less time at home, which means I'm spending less time running out of ideas and energy and capacity to entertain my daughter. Ella and I get to do lots of fun social stuff with other moms and kids throughout the week, I get time with friends regularly (sometimes with and sometimes without Ella) and Andrey and I get date nights in once a week nearly every week (sometimes at home, sometimes out).  Ella is relatively independent and very secure and so affords us more time for other things.  Life seems to have a pretty good balance these days and I am so thankful for this season.  Sounds about the right time for child #2, wouldn't you say? Life is getting a bit too easy and fun. ha ha.  More on that later...

Some other things keeping me busy are the handful of mom and baby pairs that have come across my path in the past 6 months or so that I've been able to be involved in and use my midwifery and nutrition skills to help in some way.  I just love getting to be of practical help and getting to learn new things and the challenge of it all.  Like a few weeks ago, I did a first postpartum check-up on a woman who gave birth on the street a few weeks previous. I mean, literally on the street. In front of Dunkin Donuts. Can you imagine?  Anyway, it's really amazing that despite some pain she was having, everything was normal.  Healthy mom, healthy, thriving breast-fed baby. 

The past month or so I've been helping create and monitor a feeding plan for an extremely malnourished, brain-affected child.  I learned how to insert a feeding tube this week.  We got a good breast pump for the 16-year-old mom who was living on the street up until a family in our church congregation recently took her and her baby in.  Her baby is 7 months old and weights 7 pounds. :-( We are seeing gradual progress with the help of a pediatrician who never charges us. 

Ella's is generally very easy and so I can either drag her along with me when I visit moms and babies or leave her with one of a few people I am comfortable leaving her with that she enjoys.  It's so nice to have options!  I'm really enjoying getting to do something outside of parenting.  (Am I supposed to enjoy that so much?) 

I found a great plan for getting regular exercise. I recently clued in to the fact that I have until 7:20am when Andrey leaves for work every morning to do whatever I want. I realized that if I just get up a bit earlier, I can get exercise and some prayer time and maybe even a shower in before I need to be on duty with Ella.  Andrey gets her up, gets her dressed, takes her for a short walk and gets her breakfast started and I get a good start to some key elements in my physical and spiritual health for the day.

Ella is doing so amazingly well.  I will do a proper update on her soon.  I will just say that we are loving the things that come out of her mouth these days.  She tells me she loves me all the time.  When I help her do something like lift her up so she can see, she says, "Oh thanks, Mama!"  The other day she told me, "I'm SOOO happy God made you, Mommy!"  Lately she's been asking, "You love me Mommy?" I think she likes to hear it again and again how much we love her.

On the baby front.  I need to devote at least a whole post to that but for fear that that won't happen for a while I'll at least get this out there. 

The headline:  We are considering adopting again.  This time local, domestic process here in the Philippines because we are considered residents and because the inter-country process we did before is no longer possible for US citizens living outside of the US.  The process is still a few years long but quite different in that we could have a child within several months of applying and submitting all the requirements.  Also, it's possible we could get a child as young as 1.

Why? and Why now?

• Andrey recently got a promotion and was asked to stay based in Cebu for the next three years.  We didn't see domestic adoption as an option before when we weren't sure how long we'd be here.
• Ella is doing great and we think she's close to being ready for it.  The timing feels right. She will be a really great big sister.  She needs (I need) someone besides me to entertain her all day and I know there are more children in our future.
• Since before Ella, I've dreamed of having two Filipino children.  I love the idea of our adopted children having a sibling who is also adopted.
• We feel God is presenting us with this opportunity to adopt again, and adoption opportunities these days are become increasingly hard to come by, especially for families like us living overseas.
• We do believe we will have a biological child some day and we are not giving up hope for that, but that hasn't happened yet and we know we want more than one adopted child, so why not now? 

So I wish it was as simple as this. . .

Hey everybody, we have a fun announcement to make! We are adopting again and we'll likely have a child by the end of the year! Yay! It's like I'm 4 months pregnant! 

But it's not.  

• We have been researching this process for over a month and the timeline is unpredictable and we may need to stay in the Philippines longer than Andrey's job would ideally want us here.
• By adopting domestically we will not be able to take our child out of the country while the adoption is in process and even longer before the US government allows us to apply for a tourist or immigrant visa for the child. This means we will not be able to travel to the US as a family for 2-3 years.  No furlough. No Spring trip to DC for the IJM prayer gathering.
• We are not sure we will be able to get all the requirements. Some are proving rather difficult to obtain.

Sooo, all that to say, we are going to try to adopt again.  We are cautiously optimistic.  We believe if it's the right thing it will happen. We are trusting God in this even though the path is not clear knowing that he will direct our steps as we hope in him.  I do wish things were less-complicated.

What a difference a year makes

We just got back from a three-week trip to the US and Canada.  At the end of our trip we got to spend a week with Andrey's family.  Ella and her cousin Annika got along so well and had so much fun that it was difficult to get them to do anything else but play together.  (Suddenly we were having numerous urinary accidents because of how much fun Ella was having. She didn't want to miss any of it!) They held hands in the car.  And for the first time, I saw Ella spontaneously give a hug to a friend.  A few times, she walked over to Annika and gave her a huge hug.  So sweet.

At the end when we were saying good bye, both Andrey and I hugged Annika.  With each hug, Ella mildly protested and said, "Ella's Mommy!" and "Ella's Daddy!" She wasn't upset, she just declared the truth to make sure Annika understood.

It made me so happy to see this.  To me, this was an example of her secure attachment to us. She was claiming us as hers. And she did so confidently.

I compare this to where we were at a year ago.  Same Spring trip.  In DC at a friend's house who had a 2 week old baby.  I held the baby and Ella pitched herself onto the floor crying.  She was so upset that I quickly passed the baby back to his momma so I could hold and console my daughter, assuring her that she was my daughter, I was her momma and always would be.

That is the difference between insecure attachment and secure attachment.

We are a year and seven months in to parenting our Michella, who is thriving.  She is a gem and we love her to pieces.

Now check out this adorable video of Ella and Annika having snacks behind the couch at Grandma and Grandpa's house last week.  Cheers!

Want to hear a good story?

In late January, a young mom came to Sunday worship with an extremely tiny, malnourished and sick baby in arms.  Baby J was clearly very dehydrated and lethargic and her eyes were full of gunk from infection.  I figured she must be a few weeks old.  I was shocked when C told me that the baby was already two months old.  Born premature in November with a birth weight of 1.2 kg (2 lbs, 10 oz), C told me how her baby now weighed less than 2 pounds.  She told me how she had brought the baby to the local health center and was told to put the baby on formula and sent home.

They couldn't afford to go to a doctor so they came to us.  Her brother is also a part of our church community and I had met this young gal back when her first child was an infant.  I am so glad she came on this day.  I knew that without proper intervention the baby would not last long.  When I told her and her partner how serious the situation was and how she needed to get the baby to hospital that very day, she drew her tiny baby up to her face and wept, clearly very worried.

Baby J spent just over a week in the public hospital and was treated for dehydration, pneumonia and sepsis. She responded well.  But with insufficient breast milk, C relied on formula she couldn't afford to feed Baby J.

Sometime in February a midwife friend of mine and I began visiting C in her home each week. With the help of a local doctor who saw them for free, both of C's babies were able to get check ups and medicine for some nagging chest infections.  I really wanted to help her increase her breast milk. Seeing Baby J recover from a critical level of malnutrition and seeing the tiny shack where they lived confirmed to me how essential it was to get this baby off formula. And aside from the obvious reasons for breastfeeding, there was a powerfully motivating economic reason.  They just could not afford it - especially in light of C's 18-month-old daughter, who was malnourished and not yet walking.  If we could get C breastfeeding Baby J exclusively then they can use her husband's small salary for food and not waste it on formula. And they barely have enough money for food.

I have seen numerous moms in the Philippines go from exclusive breastfeeding to "mixed feeding" because of a perceived and sometimes a real lack of breast milk.  Breastfeeding is not always easy and often takes a lot of work in the beginning to get things going.  When a new mom fears she doesn't have enough for her baby, it impacts her confidence and without any support you can see why poor women here feel they need to supplement with formula. (Why most middle-upper class women don't breastfeed here is another issue.)  The baby is given formula from a bottle and there is even less stimulation to the breast and then the milk supply doesn't even have a chance to build.  Formula helps to satisfy a screaming, hungry baby but it is counterproductive to exclusive breastfeeding.  Everyone knows that breastfeeding is best but it's the how that is lacking.  Many women want to breast feed and know they should but often lack the support to do so successfully.

I spent some time with C and Baby J and witnessed for myself that C really wasn't producing enough. We had her feeding on demand and hand expressing in between but we found that after getting formula from a bottle, baby J was becoming less willing to do the work at the breast to get milk. So we took the bottle away and had her and her partner work together to supplement while baby J was at the breast with the use of a large syringe and tiny feeding tube that was placed in the side of baby J's mouth as she suckled at the breast.  They only gave formula when baby J was not able to get enough at the breast.

The result was remarkable! It took several weeks and lots of prayer and encouragement, but C was able to reduce the amount of formula given to baby J from 8 ounces per day, to 4, to 3, to ZERO!!!

As of last week, she reported to me with a big smile on her face that she didn't need to give formula anymore.  She told me that baby J is now satisfied with just her milk.  The change in C's countenance as she told me this was indicative of the confidence and pride she was now feeling at her ability to care for and feed her baby. 

I am SO, so delighted at this I just had to share it with all of you.

Here's a photo (shared with permission) of C and baby J just a few days ago. I am happy to report that baby J is thriving and now weighs over 5 kg (11 lbs). C's other child is also doing well. We've been helping with things on the nutrition side and she is gaining weight and is now walking.  And C is getting help with family planning.

Another Side of Cebu

Cebu City is bordered by the ocean on one side and mountains on the other.  We regularly get to enjoy the ocean but it's not often we get out to explore the mountains.  There aren't any public walking trails or nature parks and so we've been a bit disappointed with lack of options for getting out in nature for a hike.  Now that we have Ella and we see how much she loves and needs to frolic around where there are trees and grass and open space, we recently decided to settle for a walk in the powerful midday sun on a road through lots of farm land that has some nice views.  We enjoyed it so much we wondered why we haven't done this more in the past.  It's perfect for Ella, who loves finding a good stick or two, riding on Daddy's shoulders, skipping with mommy and being social with the many cows and goats along the way.  We are so thankful to live in such a beautiful place.  I realize that by adjusting expectations and having the right kind of attitude we get to experience some simple but great things that we might otherwise miss out on. 

More Nosy Ladies

I ran into another extremely nosy and tactless lady at the market yesterday.  Opposed to my last nosy lady interaction, I responded so much better this time.  I think it was a bit easier to handle the barrage of questions about me and Ella because they were directed at the lady I was buying mangoes from.  This woman was verbally processing all the questions she had about us and wanted to start a conversation with the seller about us, perhaps assuming we didn't understand a word she was saying.  But I did understand. And the seller, whom I've bought from before, knew I understood, so she was noticeably uncomfortable with this woman's gossipy chatter. 

I was thankful that the seller kept quiet and let me handle it.  So as the lady tried to discuss how clearly American I was and how clearly Filipino my daughter was and wondered aloud where my daughter's "real" mama was, I acted as if I didn't understand but gave knowing glances to the mango seller.  I ignored the nosy woman, but as she continued I began talking to the mango seller in Cebuano and the woman could then see that I understood.  You'd think this would cause her to feel a little embarrassed for talking about us so openly where we could hear but no, she just went on as if her curiosity and questioning was perfectly acceptable.  She then directed her questions at Ella.  Hello baby! Where is your mommy? You speak Cebuano right? At this point I was really annoyed and so thankful that Ella did not understand what she was saying because she said it in Cebuano.  I then employed a local expression that people here use to say I don't want to talk about it in a light-hearted way.  I looked at the woman and said, "Secret!" with a smirky smile.  The woman sort of laughed it off and I left... without giving ANY information and with my daughter's privacy and dignity intact.  It felt so good.

I guess I should be ready for the scenario when Ella is asked Where is your mommy? question in English.  She would probably just look at the person like they were stupid because clearly her mommy is right here.  I really, really hate that question. 

I am finding a variety of ways to respond to strangers' questions.  I recently decided that when someone asks about me and my daughter and they aren't initially really offensive or annoying, and if I'm in the mood, I would take it as an opportunity to educate the person on international adoption.  I tried this last week when I had a conversation with a less nosy woman at our local running track.

On a quick side note.  This woman asked if the child in the stroller I was pushing was my daughter.  Then she asked, Can she walk?  I find this so funny and just tells of the fact that strollers are not commonly used around here.  In the mall, yes.  But not at the running track I guess.  I find it so amusing that her first thought was to wonder if my child was disabled.

Anyway, instead of even letting the conversation move to her asking how it is that me and my daughter don't look alike, I went right ahead and told her that we adopted our daughter and that there are many families around the world who adopt children from the Philippines.  I told her that we waited for three years to get her because we wanted her so bad and that she was chosen for us and how wonderfully happy we are now that we have her.  And then I directed the conversation elsewhere.

I often get this response from strangers who learn a little about our story - Oh she is so lucky!  To this I make a point to say something like, Oh thanks, but we are the ones who are lucky.  She is such an amazing girl and we love her so much.  She is not a charity case and I don't want her to ever think that we adopted her simply out of "the kindness of our heart".  What strangers don't consider is that we needed her as much as she needed us.  What they don't know about is the ache in my heart I carried for years and years as we waited for her.  

It feels very good to be learning how to take control of these interactions and protect my daughter in the process.  I want our discussions about our story and adoption to be on my terms and when I choose to share, I want the conversation to be very positive and natural.  At some point when Ella gets older I may have to direct the questions to her and let her decide if she wants to share or not.  We will have to work as a team to deal with inevitable interactions like these.

Ella's First Dentist Appointment

Ella got her first fillings at the dentist last week.  She came to us with what I thought were at least two cavities, maybe more, and there was nothing I could do about them until recently.  I dreaded the whole dental experience.  So I brought her with me to our dentist and let her see the office, meet the dentist and get the feel for the place.  After several visits she refused to sit in the chair.  When it came time to book a real appointment I realized that I didn't have full confidence in my dentist to work on Ella.  I really like my dentist but she is often distracted during appointments, taking phone calls in the middle of cleaning my teeth.

I was thankful when I got a glowing recommendation from a friend of mine for another dentist who had done some work on one of her kids.  So I took Ella in to the new dentist's office to make the appointment so she could see it and get familiar before her actual appointment. We went back a week later and I had very low expectations.  I talked to Ella about it all week leading up to it and only encouraged her to sit in the chair, open her mouth and let the dentist look inside.  I gauged her readiness by her response to this.  She was very positive (and super-cute practicing what she would do when the dentist asked her to open up) and seemed eager to give it a try.  I was nervous.

On our first visit she totally blew me away.  Not only did she do what she agreed to do, she actually sat there and let the dentist give her a good teeth cleaning.  I was able to sit with her in the chair, and while she was a bit nervous at first when it came time to lean back in the chair, she did so with encouragement from me and the dentist who was super matter-of-fact, kind, patient and all-around disarming. He was perfect. Thank God there were only two cavities. He said he could go ahead and do one of the fillings that day but I decided we shouldn't push it.

We came back a week later and she had her two cavities drilled out without any anesthesia and two fillings put in without even a twinge of pain.  I sat with her in the chair again and held her hands the whole time - not because she wanted that, but because I did - and I noticed that her hands and the rest of her body were so relaxed the entire time.  She was SO CUTE sitting there with her mouth open, body relaxed, tongue fishing around, and alternately turning her eyes to look at the dentist, then the assistant, then the dentist, etc.  This was like NO BIG DEAL for her whatsoever.

It appears that I have underestimated her. 

TMI extracted

I had a interaction with a very nosey woman at the pharmacy I stopped in at today.  It all happened so fast that by the end of it, which included the time it took for me to pay and wait for my change, I realized how much information this woman got out of me about my daughter and I almost felt violated. And frustrated with myself for answering any of her questions.

You just don't know how far people will take things when the line of questioning starts. Most of the time it's the usual three questions and then they get the picture, but not this woman. Oh man did she interrogate me.  I just didn't see it coming.

The exchange went something like this. By the way, this slew of questions took place in about 60 seconds, well before I realized it would have been much better to have been rude and cut it off at the beginning. I need to get better at this. Ugh.

Lady: Is she your daughter?
Me: Yes (smiling)
Lady: So are you American?
Me: Yes (looking away thinking, here we go)
Lady: So you live here?
Me: Yes
Lady: Are you married?
Me: Yes, almost 10 years (I'm proud of that and was happy to share it)
Lady: So your husband is Filipino?
Me: No
Lady: Huh? (confused look) But... (examining Ella with her eyes, meanwhile I'm thinking, please stop here, please clue in before I have to spell it out for you)
Me: She's adopted (I smile and wink at Ella)
Lady: So you were not able to have a child?
Me: Not yet! (smiling and trying to look positive. I said this knowing what she was asking me but thinking, I have a child, so I guess we were able!)
Lady: Does she know she's adopted?
Me: Yes! (exasperated tone, because jeez, I just told you that, in front of her, thank God this is not how my daughter learns that she is adopted you crazy lady!)
Lady: So does she see her Mom? She sees her mom often, right?
Me: Umm, No! (THANK GOD my change finally came from the other sales woman and I could walk out the door... As I walked away I screamed in my head, feeling very protective, YEAH SHE SEES HER MOM.  I AM HER MOM! This wasn't some under-the-table deal. What does this woman think?)

You see there is this stigma with adoption here. Families who can't conceive will often adopt a baby from a family they know or have heard of who have more than their fair share. This is done illegally and many times secretly because it is shameful for a couple to not be able to bear a child. I can't tell you how many times this kind of thing was attempted during my time at the maternity clinic. The birth mom asking us to write someone else's name on the birth certificate that she planned to give her baby to.  Sometimes the child is brought up without ever knowing they were adopted. Or even worse, I've heard of situations where the child joins the new family and is more of a second-rate child than a beloved family member. I mean, you know, you have your kids and then you have YOUR kids. My British friend who has 2 biological and 3 adopted children gets this all the time. "So which ones are yours?"

I know all this about local, under-the-table adoption in the Philippines. And it makes me angry to think that someone would apply any of that cultural stigma to my child and think that I adopted her illegally.  After all that we went through to get her I can feel so defensive. And so there is a part of me that wants to share just enough so that they know that our situation is not typical and that I love my daughter as if I carried her in my body for 9 months.  I did carry her actually.  I carried her for years and she grew, as did my love for her well before I knew her name.  And it is so freaking official, it couldn't be any more above-board.

So there. I just wanted to declare that.

I feel like a Momma Bear.  ROAR!!!

Ella and Roo

Ella has a special friend - a little purple puppy she affectionately calls Roo, after the young kangaroo character from Winnie the Pooh.  Ella loves Roo and is with him nearly all day and night.  She brings him wherever she goes.  If she happens to forget about him, she will ask, "Where Roo go?... Roo crying!" and run to find him.  When she is not dressing Roo or changing his bum, she is carrying him in the "baby carrier."

She has found so many ways to carry Roo.  I see now how silly those play baby carriers are for kids that one can buy.  Who needs 'em?  All you need is a scarf, blanket or in this case a removable apron strap.

The other type of baby carrier that Ella uses is a "pouch," which of course is appropriate for a small purple kangaroo. 

Here she is with Roo in the pouch but covered with a long shirt.  I love how she has her arms around her Roo-filled pouch, just like a pregnant woman.  She is so nurturing and affectionate with her "babies."

I was so impressed with this one.  I guess there wasn't enough space in her jeans so she grabbed her bathing suit and put it on. 

She also loves to "feed" Roo.  You can't really see it here but she has her shirt pulled down from the top to expose her nipple so she can line Roo up just right.  After all, positioning is important for a good latch.  ;-)  I have my good friend Hanna to thank for modeling this effective, over the top (no pun intended), nursing style.

She is so into Winnie the Pooh these days.  She has adapted Pooh's common expression of "Rumbly in my tumbly" and has made it her own.  She often lifts her shirt, rubs her tummy and says, "Oh YES! Tummy rumble!!" And it is the cutest thing ever. 

She is such a precious girl.  I am enjoying her so much.

Are we there yet?

I find myself in the throes of potty training... again.  Sigh.

I posted back in September that my daughter was potty-trained.  That declaration was premature.  It came after two weeks of potty success and was the day before she decided she didn't want to give up diapers just yet.

I had initiated this "potty-training" a few weeks before her 3rd birthday.  I did this because she had been showing interest and signs of readiness.  For months previous to this, I polled friends, asked for advice, waited and waited and decided it was time to give it a shot.  It worked for a while and then I gave up when it became clear that it wasn't working anymore.  As I got more and more worked up about it (and got worked up about getting worked up) I realized that I needed to back off and not risk causing damage to her sensitive, developing character. 

Another factor I have to admit was the fact that she was about to turn three, which at some point had become an arbitrary marker and outer limit of when she should be out of diapers.  I'm not sure where I got that except that it seemed most of my friends had their kids potty-trained well before age three.  And so I felt pressured.  Not by anyone directly, mind you.  No one has ever said anything to me to make me feel like I was doing a bad job nor questioned or judged me about why my daughter was still in diapers.  It was simply pressure I had put on myself after comparing my daughter to her friends.  And here lies lesson #1,488 of the undoubtedly infinite number of lessons I am to learn as a parent:  Don't compare your child to other kids her age.  I must do what I feel is best for her and not let myself be swayed by what other people may think.  Like duh!

Another thing I did wrong was that I made a big deal out of it.  I got excited. I thought we had arrived. I praised her when she did it and reminded her when I was afraid she'd have an accident.  What those two weeks in September taught me (and many other diaper-free hours since then) is that she can do it.  She knows she can do it.  She knows I know she can do it.  There isn't any "training" to be done.  I just have to wait till she decides she wants to and is ready. 

It helps me to think of all the strides she has made in the past six months in regard to her level of security and independence. It seems a lot to expect that she will jump ahead with this at the same time. We've only been together 16 months so why I am expecting her to be on the same time line as a child who's been with the same mommy since birth?  In every other area we have strived to let her lead and wait till she showed us she was ready for a new level of independence. This shouldn't be any different.

So everyday for the past 4+ months we have given her the option and let her choose diapers or undies.  Up until about a week ago she was consistently choosing diapers.  Except for the occasional reminder that one day when she's ready she will not need diapers anymore, I haven't said much and have remained very laid back, hoping and trusting that at some point things will change. 

Last week she started choosing undies more often but only for part of a day. One day last week she chose to wear underwear all day even though we were going to be out most of the day.  She did amazing.  We went to a friend's house for a play date and she did great. Then we went to a birthday party and she was 100% successful again.  Either she told me when she had to go or I'd clue in to some cues and ask her and she'd agree to go.  I couldn't believe it.  Each time she used the toilet I just tried not to make a big deal of it and act as if it was perfectly normal but occasionally I'd let my excitement take over and I would say something like, "Wow Ella good job! What a big girl thing to do!" I was so excited that evening when I reported to Andrey how the day went.  He told me not to get too excited.  I suspected he was right but was feeling extremely hopeful.

The next day she chose diapers and only diapers for several days following.  Then today she chose undies even though we were going out.  She did great in the morning but by the afternoon refused to use the potty even though she was giving cues that she needed to go.  I didn't push it and we ended up with pee on the car seat on our way home.  Later at home I knew she needed to go but she was resistant to using the toilet and that's when I started to feel really frustrated.  At this point I just don't get it. 

I'm frustrated because I have been patient and willing to stay put for a while.  I wait until she gets behind the wheel, pulls up next to me and says, "Hey mommy let's do this!"  At first I'm just enjoying the ride, not saying a word, preparing myself for her to pull over any minute. But then we get a ways down the road and I begin to see our destination and it's so close and it looks so fun. So fun that I imagine that we're already there and I start talking about how great it is. And then suddenly she slams on the brakes puts the car in park and starts walking back in the opposite direction.

I guess I thought it would just happen all at once with her deciding she was ready and never going back.  I figure she probably picks up on my hopeful excitement as nudging her to move forward and she begins to feel like she's not in charge anymore so she pushes back.

I really am trying not to get so excited, let her have as much control as possible and keep my expectations low.  I can do it for a while but dang it, I'm human and no matter how hard I try I just don't like living in this tension of thinking maybe we are there but oh not yet.  I have resolved myself to not putting on pressure and waiting for her to do this in her timing but this stopping and starting is just frustrating and sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. 

I just needed to vent about that. 

As I take a deep breath at the end of today I realize that we have had more progress in this area in the past week than we've seen in months.  We have to be getting closer.  Maybe she just needs to make a few stops along the way and I should just enjoy the ride and not get so caught up with where we are going.  I can resolve to start fresh again tomorrow with a loving and accepting attitude of whatever she chooses and help her to feel in control again.  I haven't totally screwed this up again, yet, I don't think.  I can do better tomorrow as I remind myself that she has to be the one to initiate this.  It has to be up to her to set the pace.  If I can keep my mouth shut!

If this is what my gorgeous daughter wants to do with those cute little undies that have been sitting in her closet for the past year, then so be it. 

I mean, how many parents can say their child can swim before they are out of diapers?  

Sunday Morning Snapshot

It's a rainy morning but that didn't stop Ella's morning walk with her Daddy

Oh the joy of morning coffee...
(roasted by our very own brother-in-law)

And helpers in the kitchen

Cornmeal whole wheat pancakes with pears and cinnamon
are made complete with Nova Scotia maple syrup

Happy girl loves her bacon and syrup with a little pancake on the side